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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DD sulking and tearful - AIBU?

76 replies

gonemissing · 09/12/2008 20:28

ok - I am a regular, name changed incase I get recognised as I don't want other stuff I have said on here traced back to me in RL

DD (9)has been chosen as one of 30 from her school to represent school in final of local radio's school christmas singing competition.

the thing is, they have to travel an hour on the motorway on monday afternoon and will not be back at school till 6.30. So they are travelling on a motorway, in winter, poss bad weather, in the dark, in the rush hour. And they are going in "volunteer parents' cars" - this means it could be ANYONE, as neither me nor DP can do it. he cant get off work, I have other LOs to think about.

I don't want her to go. Going on a coach is one thing, but sending her off to travel with who knows who, with no idea of their driving standards scares the hell out of me.

And the mad thing is, the contest is being voted for online over the weekend, the kids from all the schools singing live on the day before winner is annouinced make sod all difference, it's not like they are the ones charged with the responsibility of making sure they do their best - the winner will be known before they even leave to go.

So, AIBU in saying she can't go as it's a waste of time and i will be worried sick about her being safe?

OP posts:
MmeHereWeGoAWassailLindt · 09/12/2008 21:00

YABU

You need to take a step back. She will be fine.

MmeHereWeGoAWassailLindt · 09/12/2008 21:06

Ah. Just read your last post.

It is absolutely understandable that you are a bit overprotective with your DD after losing a child. I am so sorry to read that.

Still, you have to allow your DD to experience the things that other DC her age are experiencing.

AnyFuckerForAMincePie · 09/12/2008 21:06

For what it is worth, I would share the OP's unease.

I wouldn't want a complete stranger driving my child on a long distance at night time. Yes, I know that coach/bus drivers/airline pilots etc are all strangers but they are trained and experienced in what they do.

I am not saying all other parents are dangerous drivers and that they wouldn't take care. It would just be a hellish hour or two for me. Maybe that is selfish, in fact I know it is selfish.

Your dd is only 9, she has many yrs ahead where she will be here, there and everywhere and you will have to let go a bit. And there will be other, more local activities coming up where you can be in control.

I let my dd go on her first long trip without me in yr 7, to a PGL trip. I tell you, I bloody hated waving that coach off! (6 hr drive).

I sympathise.

MmeHereWeGoAWassailLindt · 09/12/2008 21:08

Could you speak to the teacher and explain your fears? Perhaps they could make arrangements for you to meet whoever is to drive your dd.

AnyFuckerForAMincePie · 09/12/2008 21:08

sorry, cross posted so didn't see that you have lost a precious dd

so sorry

DorisIsAPinkDragon · 09/12/2008 21:08

If you're absolutely determined not to just let her go why not phone the school and put the ball in their court, maybe the teacher will take her as one of his/her party and problem would be solved.

You know the teacher, she has travelled locally with other youth leaders this is moving on to the next step

You do realise this is a step you will have to take at some point, even if it is in babysteps!

Original poster
gonemissing · 09/12/2008 21:13

Mmeherewego -please do not say she will be fine...blase comments like that chill me right through. I KNOW the stats are in her favour. If i had a quid for everyone who told me that"it will be fine" when we were having a shitty time of tests and more tests in PG number 3, then I would be rich, but DD 3 would still have had what she had and be dead. The odds then were "less than 1 in a million" - but we were that 1 !!

good point about seeing if I can get other DCs minded. But it would mean whoever having a toddler and doing school run for other DC too, so again a driving issue! If i took her to the comp, my other DC wouild need to leave school early and I would have them away from home, over tea time for 4 hours, don't know what I would do at the venue, whether there will be an audience, green room or what?.

Am gutted for her, honestly, I WANT to find a way round it so she can go. OF COURSE we are proud, and we KNOW it will be one of her memories.

why does being a parent have to be so hard!!

OP posts:
piscesmoon · 09/12/2008 21:14

I am not surprised she is upset, she is missing a great opportunity through your anxieties.
You will have fun when you get my stage! My DS hasn't started to learn to drive yet but he regularly goes out with friends who have passed their test-and on the motorway.

StephanieByng · 09/12/2008 21:15

TBH if this was me I would pile all the kids in the car and take her myself. Because having lost one precious child of course you are anxious; totally understandable and that's not going to go away however I would not want my issue to affect my DD; I think it sounds an exciting, enriching experience for her and it is only your issues that are making you feel 'it's no big deal'....I think it is something she should have the opportunity to do.

And yes it may be a nightmare for you trying to entertain all the kids on the journey etc but I think your DD should be able to go; and at least this way you're in control.

Original poster
gonemissing · 09/12/2008 21:15

Mmeherewego -please do not say she will be fine...blase comments like that chill me right through. I KNOW the stats are in her favour. If i had a quid for everyone who told me that"it will be fine" when we were having a shitty time of tests and more tests in PG number 3, then I would be rich, but DD 3 would still have had what she had and be dead. The odds then were "less than 1 in a million" - but we were that 1 !!

good point about seeing if I can get other DCs minded. But it would mean whoever having a toddler and doing school run for other DC too, so again a driving issue! If i took her to the comp, my other DC wouild need to leave school early and I would have them away from home, over tea time for 4 hours, don't know what I would do at the venue, whether there will be an audience, green room or what?.

Am gutted for her, honestly, I WANT to find a way round it so she can go. OF COURSE we are proud, and we KNOW it will be one of her memories.

why does being a parent have to be so hard!!

OP posts:
NCRedBreastedBirdy · 09/12/2008 21:15

dd3 being still-born is a horrendous thing to have gone through and I am very for your loss. However that does not mean dd1 will be in a motorway collision! I can understand exactly why you feel over-protective but that doesn't make it ok!

Your dd has achieved something and she deserves to get the spoils! If they loose she will look back and think "ah, I remember the day I got to SING LIVE ON THE RADIO" if she wins I would guess that the overriding memory will still be singing live on the radio!

You are allowing your fears to steal a major memory from your daughters childhood. No-one can say the worst won't happen but you shouldn't be so certain that it will happen.

MmeHereWeGoAWassailLindt · 09/12/2008 21:18

I am very sorry if my comment upset you, I posted before I read about you losing your DD.

Does the school know about your stillbirth? Would they be understanding of your fears?

Or could a friend or relative do the drive for you?

spicemonster · 09/12/2008 21:21

I am so sorry for your loss and I can completely understand that you want to minimise risks for your other children. But I also feel that you're letting your fear shape your other children's lives.

Serious question, what will you do in a few years' time when she is wanting to go out with friends who may be driving? You cannot let your pain and loss frame your existing children's lives, hard as that may be. It's not fair on them.

I'm sorry - I know this must be really hard for you but I think you need to deal with this now before it becomes a real issue.

Original poster
gonemissing · 09/12/2008 21:23

sorry about the double postings, my computer is on a go slow tonight!

PGL, oh yes,I am dreading that already and have 2 years to go! Have food allergy issues to add to my paranoia on that one too!!!

piscesmoon - must be worrying for you. Hope his friends are sensible!

we have not said for def to her yes or no, have said I need to talk to her dad again he will be in very late tonight, we always put the Dcs first and try to work round whatever their needs/opportunities are. Just running short of options.

OP posts:
StephanieByng · 09/12/2008 21:28

Just take the kids out of school early then. I'm sure it hardly EVER happens. Treat is as an adventure - take a car picnic or something...promise them a meal out on the way home if they're good; OK it's unlikely to be the most fun 4 hours you ever spent but it's what I would do to ensure that DD could get this opportunity.

piscesmoon · 09/12/2008 21:28

I am very sorry for your loss.
You need to start to deal with your anxieties. My DS went out all day Saturday, down the motorway with his 17yr old friend-am I supposed to isolate him by saying that we all know the statistics on 17yr old male drivers? What will you do when your DD wants to go on an activity holiday with the school and go rock climbing, kayaking etc? What about trips abroad without you? Life is for living-it has an element of risk-you can eliminate it as much as possible- but would you want to live that life? I certainly wouldn't!

piscesmoon · 09/12/2008 21:32

Sorry gonemissing, perhaps I seem a bit hard, I know how difficult it is when you want to protect. My mother was like it and I can't tell you how irritating it was!!

DorisIsAPinkDragon · 09/12/2008 21:32

Does your husband have the same fears ??? or does he provide you with a good sounding board?

I am truely sorry for your loss FWIW dd2 was born with a genetic condition which was a complete shock to our family and is described as " life limiting" we've kind of taken the opposite appraoch that we want to fill her days with as much fun and as many experiences as we can.

You will always have your dd3 with you but please for the sake of your other Dc don't let it cloud your decision making too much.

Have you considered some form of counseling for your anxieties as If you are already worrying about the PGL trip 2 years down the line I think this will only get worse.

I hope i don't upset you but just wanted to give a different perspective.

Original poster
gonemissing · 09/12/2008 21:39

I know I can't keep her a baby forever, she will grow up and need some independance,and I AM gradually getting better at letting go and letting her make choices & take risks etc. It is VERY hard.

I do worry that she will resent me/rebel because of my fears, I just try telling her its because we love her SO MUCH. She remembers DD3 saga, but it has not had a lasting effect like it has on me and DH, nor would we want it to.

another thing is that it is approaching DD3s anniversary, always a difficlut time of year and this yr SIL is expecting a baby bthat week, we are really hopiong it does not come on the same day.

Might see if I can speak to the music teacher tomorrow, see how many STAFF are going to drive up etc. Might be reassured then

OP posts:
Original poster
gonemissing · 09/12/2008 21:46

Am really appreciating all the input guys, am moving towards the idea of making it an afternoon out for all the kids and what the heck, go for it, regardless of all the other problems that throws up.

with PGL, main issue there is being away from us so long and the serious food allergy side, not the travelling as much, though it will be hard to wave them off!!it will be a long few days!

DH is very wary too, he is out late tonight otherwise we would be having a long heart to heart, I have got lots of options from you to suggest now!

Am seeing more ways out of this than I thought there were, and do see how it might have a lasting impact on DD1 if we jsut say no when she will love it.

OP posts:
jimjamshaslefttheyurt · 09/12/2008 21:50

"I do worry that she will resent me/rebel because of my fears, I just try telling her its because we love her SO MUCH. She remembers DD3 saga, but it has not had a lasting effect like it has on me and DH, nor would we want it to."

Sorry, but I'm going to be blunt. You can't let what happened to your baby affect how your deal with your dd. Therein lies the path to resentment (I understand, I have to balance things in a family with one very severely disabled child and 2 non-disabled).

If you prevent her doing normal stuff because you lost a child she is going to resent you. There is no way round that. How about some couselling of some sort to find ways to manage the anxieties (which are understandable) in such a way that they don't affect your dd.

piscesmoon · 09/12/2008 21:50

Go for it-I'm sure they will all be excited by a day out.

NCRedBreastedBirdy · 09/12/2008 21:51

Could you not have someone pick up from school and you take dd and your toddler? That way (sorry I am unclear on numbers!) dc can stay in school and dd, you and toddler can have a trip out for the afternoon?

Otherwise, I second asking a teacher to have her in their car or just taking the whole brood for an adventure!

I hope you find a resolution to this that fits everyones needs and expectations!

jimjamshaslefttheyurt · 09/12/2008 21:52

Cross posted. Good luck with finding a solution.

spicemonster · 09/12/2008 21:56

I really hope you find a way to let her go that you feel comfortable with. Good luck

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