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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to be thinking about a fling with someone I work with?

70 replies

scarlets · 09/12/2008 18:38

I'm fed up with my husband of ten years. He contributes less than I do financially and he does no housework. I'm the one holding the cards, which I don't like - I want an equal partner. He is an amazing dad to our girls and son though and I want to give them a stable up-bringing so leaving him is out of the question. I also love my parents-in-law and his sisters.

A man at work is very interested in me and I really fancy him (I don't fancy my husband). He's 11 years younger and is going travelling in April, so it'd be a brief, no-strings fling. It's our company's Christmas dinner on Saturday and I'm thinking about what to do...I'd love some "action" to be honest, with someone who isn't relying on me to pay the rent, get the children to school and wash the floors.

AIBU?

OP posts:

kitbit · 09/12/2008 18:40

Nope. Don't be daft. Fix or finish your marriage first otherwise it WILL end in tears. Especially for the kids.

ESPECIALLY not at the Xmas do - are you nuts??!!!

noonki · 09/12/2008 18:42

imo. far worse for your children to stay with your husband in a loveless marriage, than be a bit 'unstable'.

He will find out, the kids will suffer.

IdrisTheDragon · 09/12/2008 18:42

Don't do it.

Not worth it.

mishymoo · 09/12/2008 18:43

What Idris said!

tillyblue · 09/12/2008 18:45

Cant you just have a bit of harmless flitation instead?

That way noone gets hurt.

hollyivypoppy34 · 09/12/2008 18:45

bad bad idea - not only will it not make things any better at home you'll open a can of worms at work. No strings maybe but you're mad if you think this won't get out and create some kind of issue at work

tiredsville · 09/12/2008 18:46

I never know what to say in situations like this because I guess it's a personal choice.
I'm sure if the shoe was on the other foot, and it was a man that had posted, we'd all be calling me a bastard.

hollyivypoppy34 · 09/12/2008 18:47

scarlets I'm guessing that "harmless" flirtation unlikjely to be an option given the equation of alcohol and pent up feelings.. as I said don't do it as it is almost inevitable it will get out and the collateral damage will be horrendous.

hollyivypoppy34 · 09/12/2008 18:47

if it was a man that posted, I'd say the same.in fact I have said the same when asked this by male friends

HalfMumHalfBiscuit · 09/12/2008 19:00

I wouldn't do it. I am sure there are loads out there who would say Im wrong and their marriages are still exciting but any 10 year old marriage is never going to hold the same excitement of an illicit relationship with a younger man. But once the excitement wares off will there be anything left?

I have had a relationship with someone at work before and considered it a particularly bad mistake for my personal life and career.

Sounds like you have a lovely family and need to spend a bit of time with your DH or at least have a conversation about his contribution.

Please don't do it at the xmas party!!!!

piscesmoon · 09/12/2008 19:07

It's not worth it. If you want to stay with DH talk to him or get outside help.
You will create problems at work and at home.

needmorecoffee · 09/12/2008 19:08

so you'll risk everything for a bit of shagging?

Pantofino · 09/12/2008 19:17

"He is an amazing dad to our girls and son though and I want to give them a stable up-bringing so leaving him is out of the question. I also love my parents-in-law and his sisters."

So is your only complaint that he doesn't earn as much as you though? If this was a man posting there would be much righteous indignation I'm sure! If it is just a matter of the housework then kick his arse a bit.

When DH and I first got together, he lived in "my house" and earnt much less than me. I even paid off the balance of his student loan. (From the equity in "my" house). We are now married and have dd and the question of who earns more never comes up - but it is now in fact him. He's 10 year's older than me, so I will probably subsidise him in his old age too.

HolyGuacamole · 09/12/2008 19:17

Don't do it. Not fair for you to have your secret santa shag. Also, the xmas do - do you really wanna be this years gossip....yuck, yuck, yuck. Forget it and sort yourself out.

KatieDD · 09/12/2008 19:18

Men do it all the time, trust me I have proof hundreds of loving caring husbands have sex behind their wives back and they don't feel a moments guilt.
Not right but if you don't think you'll get caught and can live with yourself.

prettybutterfly · 09/12/2008 19:20

Yabu and you know it.
How would you like it done to you?

Get some counselling, go to Relate, put a bit of effort in. Don't muck about with whippersnappers. You will seriously regret it. 'Regret' will be your middle name. Your kids will suffer. Your DH will suffer. You will suffer. Everyone will hate you.

piscesmoon · 09/12/2008 19:23

It will end in tears-so save yourself a lot of grief by resisting.

nooka · 09/12/2008 19:32

I don't know why you have even entertained the idea to be honest, or why you are posting here. Do you seriously expect other people to say, yes go for it why not? You are after all only risking your family's happiness

Sort out your relationship with your dh, but do not use your disappointment with his underperformance in the housework or income front as some sort of excuse for infidelity.

CrackopentheBaileys · 09/12/2008 19:33

Even if he didn't find out could you live with the guilt and shame? Everytime you watched a programme that had adultery on it, any time someone made a 'bit on the side' joke?
It sounds like a lot to live with for a little bit of hanky panky?

Kathyis6incheshigh · 09/12/2008 19:36

It sounds like you want to do it to punish your dh for not pulling his weight around the house. So deal with the issue itself and sort out the housework thing.

prettybutterfly · 09/12/2008 19:36

Where is the OP? Has she eloped already?

MrsMattie · 09/12/2008 19:36

Don't be a dummy. Having an affair wont fix the problems in your marriage. In a very short while the novelty of naughty sex and flirting and compliments will wear off and you'll be left with the same unhappy relationship with your husband and the millstone of the 'other man' (who will probably start to bore you very quickly...) around your neck.

ScottishMummy · 09/12/2008 19:38

doh!sort out your lazy husband keep your knickers on doll.lets see will shagging someone else because my man wont wash up ruin my marriage,or cause mayhem?

reality check you are both parents:that does involves paying rent,floor mopping and other mundane tasks (glamorous it aint).just because your man is a lazy sod doesn't mean you go get you jollies with some young thang

sort out your domestics.

momto3 · 09/12/2008 19:51

Definatley not worth the risk..and in the work place. Doesn't sound good to me - trouble at home and work.

Remeber - we have to keep things "fancy" it just doesn't stay that way with the everyday trials we face in life.

Good luck!

AnyFuckerForAMincePie · 09/12/2008 19:54

what a skank

I can't believe some of the replies have been so nice.

If this was a bloke, he would have been pasted all over mumsnet and back again

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