Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2 3

Original poster

Am I out of order, or is my (child-free) friend?

56 replies

somefriend · 08/12/2008 20:23

God knows why I am name-changing for this as said friend is hardly likely to be on here but I'm feeling a bit upset and paranoid and don't really want MN's who know me in RL to read this and know it is me...

Anyway, to get to the point, I have a 3 month old DD. Before I had DD one of my friends made a great point of saying that she would be the one who reminded me to make time for myself, not get over taken being 'just a mother' (her words) etc etc.

I have only seen her twice since DD was born - once when she came round and once we went out for lunch while DH looked after DD.

Anyway, I invited her round for xmas drinks this weekend - she lives about 15 miles away and said that her DP could collect her.

Today I emailed her to confirm and she has replied that she is now busy - she wasn't going to go out of her way to see me seeing as I hadn't offered to put her up for the night?

I know she lives a bit of a distance away but tbh, I have enough of a nightmare keeping on top of the housework without making beds up for friends who don't really live that far away. I tried to explain this and she said that I have let DD take over my whole life - well of course I have, she's a tiny baby, she needs me!!

AIBU to not have invited her to stay over??

OP posts:

Bluestocking · 08/12/2008 20:25

Oo-er. Sounds like your friend has issues about you being a mother - is she aching to have babies herself?

Original poster

somefriend · 08/12/2008 20:26

No, she hates kids - says she doesn't want them, certainly wouldn't put herself through pregnancy and birth just to have a child, although she would consider a surrogate to do that part for her

OP posts:

Joolyjoolyjoo · 08/12/2008 20:27

I don't think you are BU- most of my child-free friends would not WANT to stay overnight at my house after a few drinks- waking up with a hangover to small children is bad enough when you are their mother, must be worse if you are used to a long lie in a peaceful environment! Maybe you could tell your friend that!

babyloveschristmas · 08/12/2008 20:27

YANBU. She does not understand what it is like having new baby - I think. Why don't you ring her and explain that you really want to see her and what you have said about beds etc. If she does'nt understand she is a selfish moo.

santasinmywaistband · 08/12/2008 20:27

YANBU
She is meant to be your friend has hardly been in contact for 3 months and can't even get a taxi or a lift 15 miles(not that far)

I realise that a childless woman the total change in your life that comes with being a mum is beyond her comprehension- I was the same til I gave birth.

I think that if she makes no further effort then you have to accept she is not that good a friend

nickytinseltimes · 08/12/2008 20:28

Yanbu.
She sounds rather unreasonable.

rookiemater · 08/12/2008 20:28

She is clearly being unreasonable, I remember that feeling well of not having the energy to do one additional thing above the bare minimum. When some friends came to visit when DS was 6 weeks old, DH was away, and to my eternal shame I made them bring their own bedding.

Cut her some slack though, she has no idea what is going on in your life and how having a baby makes such a difference. Annoying though they can be it is nice to keep a childless friend for socialising and shopping.

DesperateHousewifeToo · 08/12/2008 20:29

She sounds as if her nose has been 'put out of joint' by you having a baby.

She'll soon realise what being a parent is all about when she eventually has children.

I guess if she is really important, maybe put her up for the night. But is she really worth it?

Earlybird · 08/12/2008 20:30

Did she typically stay at yours in the past before your dd was born?

skidoodle · 08/12/2008 20:30

I probably would have asked her to stay over, yes. But that's just me, I like having people to stay and don't make much of an effort for them anyway

But her reaction is WAY over the top. Even if she was a bit discommoded, she should have just turned down your invitation and said it didn't suit (and given you a break since you have a small baby)

To accept your invitation, back out at the last minute and then give you an earful about how you've changed since your life has, um, changed completely is so ungracious.

Give her LOTS of space for the foreseeable future. Having a small baby is enough work without having to pander to childish friends who don't want things to change.

Bluestocking · 08/12/2008 20:31

Sounds like she has massive issues! I don't think she's someone you need in your life while you have a tiny baby - maybe once your daughter has gone to university you can get back in touch with her.

ben5 · 08/12/2008 20:32

tell her she can stay but she'll have to put the bed up and she'll probably have a bad nights sleep because of your lovely dd.

alicet · 08/12/2008 20:32

Very sensible advice on this thread. Unfortunately life changes so much when you have children that unfortunately it is inevitable you will lose touch with some friends.

I have another solution though. Why not tell her she is welcome to stay. However as you are busy with dd she either needs to make up beds herself or look after dd while you do this. Then let dd play noisily outside her room when she wakes in the morning and she won't ask again!

Original poster

somefriend · 08/12/2008 20:33

She never used to stay, no EarlyBird. When I was pregnant I was teetotal so we just used to drive for lunch or dinner somewhere in the middle between us both and she wouldn't drnk either.

OP posts:

thatwasfun · 08/12/2008 20:34

That thing about hating kids is always just a smoke screen - she's jealous. Either her DP doesn't want them, she can't have them, intends to have them but not yet, but really wants them now.....

Rise above it, explain that it's no fun waking up with a hangover in a house with a baby and arrange to do something together in the New Year.

FWIW, I have a friend of 30 years who I barely saw for 1st 7 years of DS1's life, just kept in touch by e-mail because, for a time we really had nothing in common, but now my life is getting back to "normal" we go out often again. Try to keep in touch, but don't worry about not meeting up very often.

Earlybird · 08/12/2008 20:35

My point is that if staying over at yours after a night out was previously the 'norm', she probably doesn't realise that things need to be different now - and that it's nothing to do with how much you value the friendship.

Childless friends often have difficulty realising how different things are after a baby.

Earlybird · 08/12/2008 20:36

Ok - have just seen your message that staying over was never the norm. Seems she's having a strop then...

Original poster

somefriend · 08/12/2008 20:37

Sorry Earlybird, I did understand your point, was just explaining that it has never happened before so there is no precedence.

Thanks everyone, glad I'm not being totally unreasonable.

In many ways I feel like I have let her down as I think she enjoyed us being childless together and now she doesn't quite know waht to do with me

OP posts:

Gorionine · 08/12/2008 20:37

Might she be jalous thst you have less time for her than before DD?

stillenacht · 08/12/2008 20:38

its the classic nothing in common anymore thing really isn't it - it happens such a lot

incidentally my best friend has no kids and my eldest is 9. We have known each other since primary school but we are still the best of friends - however for first few years of DS's life we weren't so close - it came back tho and now she is the best support i could wish for and the best friend to have a laugh with

Bluestocking · 08/12/2008 20:39

Agree that "hating children" is always whistling in the dark.

Original poster

somefriend · 08/12/2008 20:43

Yes, I do wonder sometimes about the hating children thing.

She is really into her career though, and is pretty young (25) and I tend to just believe my friends when they tell me about how they feel about things - why would they lie to a friend?

Actually, there are other things that she's said that have upset me since DD was born. She makes such a meal of how pregnancy and childbirth destroys your body, makes comments about ruined pelvic floors etc. I think, what is she saying? That my body is a train wreck now?

OP posts:

stillenacht · 08/12/2008 20:44

i think she is jealous tbh

stillenacht · 08/12/2008 20:44

perhaps not of the baby but the attention you may have got during and after pregnancy

Earlybird · 08/12/2008 20:52

Maybe the way to keep the friendship intact is to do as you did previously - go out to lunch with her on the weekend while dh babysits. That way, there is no question of staying over and she gets you 'to herself' without having to 'share' you. Obviously you will have to decide if you are willing to continue the friendship on those terms.

I recall what a huge difference there was in my friendships with pals who became parents while I was childless. It wasn't a matter of jealousy, etc - it's just that their lives were completely different and mine was more or less the same. Inevitably,our friendship was different.

I think some friendships fall away when major life changes occur. Perhaps this is one of those?

Flip

1 2 3

Swipe left for the next trending thread