Am I out of order, or is my (child-free) friend?

[somefriend]

God knows why I am name-changing for this as said friend is hardly likely to be on here but I'm feeling a bit upset and paranoid and don't really want MN's who know me in RL to read this and know it is me...

Anyway, to get to the point, I have a 3 month old DD. Before I had DD one of my friends made a great point of saying that she would be the one who reminded me to make time for myself, not get over taken being 'just a mother' (her words) etc etc.

I have only seen her twice since DD was born - once when she came round and once we went out for lunch while DH looked after DD.

Anyway, I invited her round for xmas drinks this weekend - she lives about 15 miles away and said that her DP could collect her.

Today I emailed her to confirm and she has replied that she is now busy - she wasn't going to go out of her way to see me seeing as I hadn't offered to put her up for the night?

I know she lives a bit of a distance away but tbh, I have enough of a nightmare keeping on top of the housework without making beds up for friends who don't really live that far away. I tried to explain this and she said that I have let DD take over my whole life - well of course I have, she's a tiny baby, she needs me!!

AIBU to not have invited her to stay over??

I know when I was younger and my friends all started getting engaged/married/starting families, I wasn't really jealous but there was part of me that felt they would look down on me for not reaching these 'milestones' of adulthood, that it marked me out as a sort of failure. It does sound like this is what your friend might be experiencing, especially if she is constantly putting down children, pregnancy, childbirth and motherhood. When you have a baby, your life changes but so does your status, and it can be quite threatening to those who you used to have more in common with.

As for her changing arrangements at short notice, I'd just leave her be to be honest. She sounds a bit overly defensive and I don't suppose she's going to change quickly. Ideally she would come over and see you with the baby and realise that yes, you are the same person, but also how demanding a little person can be and how difficult it is to maintain any element of your old life. Don't be evangelical about motherhood in her presence though. Will only make things worse.

YANBU. Whatever her reasons, she has handled it badly. Out of my very close friends, only two have children and I adore their children. Even though it's not something I'm ready for, I really do feel maternal towards my honourary niece and nephew and cannot imagine behaving this way towards either of my friends.

Some of the best nights I've had with my friends recently have been spent sitting and chatting and cuddling their babies, it's a magical feeling. Don't feel bad, you've done nothing wrong.

To be honest, I think both of YANBU.

I had my DS in my late 30s, and so I had a lot of friends over the years have children, and it was difficult to relate to them. Having a child is a more dramatic change to a friendship than anything else could have been.

She finds it difficult to adjust to your new situation, you find it difficult to relate to her as you used to.

And I don't buy the whole 'women who say they hate kids are just jealous' - big load of crock. Some women take a lot longer to adjust to the idea of having children than others. I wasn't an overly 'child friendly' person before I had my DS, and to be honest, although I love my DS to bits, I find other children a bit blah, so would never, ever expect some other woman to be utterly delighted with my DS.

YA definately NBU!!!
I had a similar situation with a 'friend' when ds was born. She did the buying gift thing, the visiting us at home thing, the babysat 1 night thing but everytime I spoke about ds, she said something like "Can't you talk or think about anything else?" Now don't get me wrong, I know it's annoying when all people do is talk about their dc's but she'd ask! She'd say "How are you and...... what are you upto?" So I'd tell her.
Sounds to me that you're better off without people who can't accept that life has completely changed for you.
She'll see when it's her turn and let's hope she doesn't have a friend as selfish as herself then.

YANBU.

A lot of my friends became like this once we had DD (now almost 11 months)

Up until 2 days over due I was still going out with them to coupley meals on saturday nights but they just didnt understand once DD came along. We were invited out one night when she was 10 days old, I mean .... really?!!

I was too tired and no one offered to compromise. I would have loved someone to have taken DD for an hour whilst I slept but all people wanted to do was to get drunk with us. I found this quite depressing.

Its not so bad now as we do go out again but I cant wait for them to have children ..............

the comment re dd taking over your life is a bit unreasonable (don't know where you live etc so can see that staying with you may be better option than dp picking up etc). but she could be suffering in same way fennel is and could not see where you're coming from.