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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Am I out of order, or is my (child-free) friend?

56 replies

somefriend · 08/12/2008 20:23

God knows why I am name-changing for this as said friend is hardly likely to be on here but I'm feeling a bit upset and paranoid and don't really want MN's who know me in RL to read this and know it is me...

Anyway, to get to the point, I have a 3 month old DD. Before I had DD one of my friends made a great point of saying that she would be the one who reminded me to make time for myself, not get over taken being 'just a mother' (her words) etc etc.

I have only seen her twice since DD was born - once when she came round and once we went out for lunch while DH looked after DD.

Anyway, I invited her round for xmas drinks this weekend - she lives about 15 miles away and said that her DP could collect her.

Today I emailed her to confirm and she has replied that she is now busy - she wasn't going to go out of her way to see me seeing as I hadn't offered to put her up for the night?

I know she lives a bit of a distance away but tbh, I have enough of a nightmare keeping on top of the housework without making beds up for friends who don't really live that far away. I tried to explain this and she said that I have let DD take over my whole life - well of course I have, she's a tiny baby, she needs me!!

AIBU to not have invited her to stay over??

OP posts:
Original poster
somefriend · 08/12/2008 20:54

I think you're right earlybird and others, thank you.

I guess I feel a bit bad because I wanted to see her for xmas drinks but we are busy all weekend nights until xmas except for on Friday. DH has his works xmas do though, so I can't go out and I thought she could come round and we could have a night in. Perhaps she feels sidelined..

OP posts:
Weegle · 08/12/2008 21:01

I think you've got a green eyed monster - and I don't always assume the "having a baby is so wonderful all childless women must be jealous" stance.

But some seem to have such a chip on their shoulder about you having a child, and being so vocal about NOT wanting them... and then hey ho a few years down the line they get pregnant and it's all a different story. Whether it's denial, fear, whatever, the result is the same - at this point in your life you need to pull back a little. If the relationship survives that then you can pick it back up again in the future if appropriate then.

LobstersLass · 08/12/2008 21:02

Perhaps she works hard all week and likes to have a few drinks on a Friday night and because she couldn't stay over this wouldn't be possible.

15 miles in a cab is quite expensive.

Couldn't you ask her to stay? I know I wouldn't get a cab for 15 miles.

Original poster
somefriend · 08/12/2008 21:10

Lobsterslass I said in the OP that when we made the arrangement she said her DP would pick her up. There was never any arrangement for her to get a cab home.

OP posts:
Joolyjoolyjoo · 08/12/2008 21:15

OK, I'm going to try and give her the benefit of the doubt- MAYBE she is having horrible Christmas-type stress. Maybe there is something going on in her life that you are unaware of, and she is being uncharacteristically snippy because of it. maybe her DP started moaning about having to give up his night to run her about the place, they had a row, and she is taking it out on you. If she's not normally so sniffy with you, it might be that her renegal on your night out is nothing really to do with you, and the state of your friendship, and whether or not you have children and she doesn't??

(Or maybe it is! Just trying to think of other scenarios before you get too upset with her)

Lizzylou · 08/12/2008 21:17

I had no idea what having a baby meant when I was childfree, but she still sounds very self-absorbed and rude tbh

sandyballs · 08/12/2008 21:24

Having kids does change friendships. It sounds like she can't cope with the change in you but that is her problem, not yours. Of course you are different, you are now a mum, you have a gorgeous DD who needs you, but you also need her, its a lovely time (most of the time!), but your friend can't understand this.

Myy best friend of 30 odd years found it very hard to cope when I had my twin DDs. Me and DH spent the first year in a sleep deprived haze with no time or inclination to socialise and she really offered no help or support. We've since built bridges now they are 7 but it's been hard, some friendships just can't survive these life changes.

LobstersLass · 08/12/2008 21:29

Perhaps he's being a berk. Would it be too much to invite her to stay?

Original poster
somefriend · 08/12/2008 21:33

She could stay lobster, but she's so pissed off with me now I think it would be really tense.

Obviousyl I would rather she stayed than I didn't see her, but she said she was getting a lift and then this, out of the blue.

Perhaps as others have said though she has had a row with her DP.

OP posts:
JRocksaNadelekLowen · 08/12/2008 21:38

I had similar issues with a friend, she looked disgusted when I was changing DS's nappy at less than 2 months old, made comments about us not having anything in common, and didn't really bother much with us for quite a while. I don't think she was child hating, or overly jealous - more that she couldn't get her head around the huge life change.

Sounds like fear that's making your friend say these things. She can't understand it all, therefore it must be bad. And your fault, obviously.

If she's a good friend, just give it time, she'll work out how to be in your life if she wants to be. And if she doesn't, well better to find out now.

Hope it sorts out

QueenTinselShadow · 08/12/2008 21:41

(I am addition the traditional YABU, due to the topic you are postin in )

I did not stop having my friend staying over after a night out or in, after I had a baby. I would just select bedding, a nightie, fresh undies and a towel shortly before bedtime, and ask her to put the linen on with me. Having a friend over is not much different after having a baby as not. She goes to bed, she sleeps, you get up in the morning, you feed / change the baby, she or you puts the coffee on, you natter over breakfast...... etc. If she is up. If she isnt, then what does it matter whether she is with you or not? You can have a chat and more coffee when she wakes up.

It is no big deal, it doesnt have to be any different neither to you nor her. You get on with caring for your baby whether she is there or not. She gets out of bed, whenever, regardless of your baby.

If anything, it is the perfect chance for her to see first hand what life with baby is like.

LobstersLass · 08/12/2008 21:44

I think the gracious thing to do would be to invite her to stay. I reckon you'll have a lovely time together catching up.

Original poster
somefriend · 08/12/2008 21:51

Queentinsel, I totally understand what you're trying to get at.

BUT - it's not a question of stopping having her over, it's a question of starting having her staying over, IYSWIM.

I'll also be honest, DH and I barely get any time together as a family and Saturday mornings are one of our only quiet times. I know that's selfish but with xmas madness coming up I just don't really want her staying over. I do totally see your point though.

OP posts:
beansontoast · 08/12/2008 21:56

move on...don't be paranoid...get back on the horse and all that!

both parties need to be gentle with each other,these are early days.

she stayed with you through the tee total months ,so there is hope ...plan something together that you both think you will enjoy.

TheGreatChristmasEvie · 08/12/2008 22:04

Its very tricky this type of thing.My BF and I are not really so much BF's anymore at all.
She has undoubtedly been very insensitive and hasnt put in much effort re seeing me, making time to do stuff with me that isnt impossible with kids, understanding that it is never a good idea to complain to the mother of a newborn that you are 'too tired' to go for the drink you have had planned for a month in partic when said drink was said Mothers only forseeable 'night off'.
But I on the other hand probably get a bit jealous of her single girl lifestyle and am a bit oversensitive to her behaviour (these things wouldnt have bothered me pre kids and for her her life hasnt changed, the only thing that has is my reaction to her iyswim)

I have elected, as someone else said, to stop letting it bother me so much.Our relationship is not as strong as it was and we dont see each other as much.When we do its fine, when we dont, well I have other friends who are more where I am now.I just hope one day she has a baby and we can be more of a shared mindset (except that by then my kids will probably be teenagers and I will be experiencing either different kinds of woes/or more hopefully getting my independence back a bit

I would explain to her that you are knackered, that you'd love to see her and that she can stay if she wants..then the balls in her court.Chances are she wont come as she has clearly taken the nark for some reason but at least you will have offered the olive branch..

QueenTinselShadow · 08/12/2008 22:05

Well, then it is fine, if she hasnt stayed before, I wonder why she expects it now suddenly??

FleurDelacour · 09/12/2008 08:41

My thoughtful MIL always brings her own bedding (sheets, pillowcases, towel) when she stays as she knows I generally have a mountain of washing to do. Perhaps suggest your friend brings a couple of sheets or a sleeping bag to save you the extra washing. If she brings the ones off her own bed it isn't even giving her extra washing as she'd have to change them anyway (she can plan ahead and not change them for a bit!).

piscesmoon · 09/12/2008 08:58

I think she is jealous, she wants the friendship on the old terms.
If she really wanted to come all she would have asked if she could have brought a sleeping bag.

ScottishMummy · 09/12/2008 09:09

shame she cannot see that you have commitments and still come see you and get a cab home.obviously you prioritise and suit your own preferences

her loss really.bitty churlish of her to decline to come over

KatieDD · 09/12/2008 09:17

I'd ditch her now save yourself 12 months of crap before she flounces off anyway, she sounds a spoilt brat.

jimjamshaslefttheyurt · 09/12/2008 09:20

Oh she sounds far too much like hard work.

If she wants to come, fine, if she wants to behave like a petulant child let her.

I'd just let her make the next move, be perfectly pleasant etc when she wants to be nice and not get involved when she's being hard work.

ScottishMummy · 09/12/2008 09:21

not so sure about being to hasty to sling her.clearly she doesnt grasp how hard it is

tbh prior to having a baby noone can really tell you how hard and exhausting it is.so ime give her another chance.try tell her about your new life. if she is still snippy then maybe adios time

Fennel · 09/12/2008 09:23

It's hard. I feel a bit like this about a friend who has, in the last year, got a new husband, a new baby and a new house. When I met her 2 years ago she was relatively footloose and fancy free, single mother but went out socialising 3 nights a week, had lots of time for our friendship. and now, she doesn't. And I'm a bit sad about it. And I have 3 children myself so I understand how overwhelming it is, but I still miss her friendship.

I would make an effort with this friend, for a while, try and show her I do still value her friendship. and if it doesn't work in the long run I might give up but not this soon, she might just need to adjust.

It's hard, losing friends to babies. Even if it's understandable.

meandjoe · 09/12/2008 09:28

She sounds a bit bonkers to be honest, sorry. Of couse your dd has taken over your life, that's what babies do! What kind of a mother was she expecting you to be??? Maybe she is jellous or maybe she's just an insrnsitive cow but it's not your job to be making up beds and running around after a house guest that only lives 15 miles away. Why hasn't she made an effort to come see you more than twice in 3 months? Sounds like a crap friend tbh.

jimjamshaslefttheyurt · 09/12/2008 09:29

oh I wouldn't sling her (I never sling friends tbh), I just wouldn't do any chasing or trying to make it rights etc.

When you back off sometimes the friendship gets picked up again at a later date, and sometimes it fizzles out - although there's always the chance for the fizzled out ones to get picked up again.

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