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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To not want my MIL for christmas AGAIN!!!!

74 replies

FiveDollarShake · 07/12/2008 22:06

This christmas we were looking forward to a nice quiet family time. Just me, DP,DS and DD (it'll be her first christmas).

For the last 2 christmas's my MIL has been to stay for 2 weeks (we live in different countries) with her friend. The first year she came was stressful. She basically took over everything. She made xmas dinner her way, at the time she wanted it. Opening presents was done how she usually did it, after breakfast etc.....in my family we alwys did presents first. I basically couldnt relax in my own home. Couldnt watch what I wanted on tele. Had no control over anything.
Last year I told DP that as I was heavily pregnant with DD I wanted a quiet xmas and no house guests. MIL invited herself anyway and DP didnt stand up to her so she ended up staying again. It caused untold problems between us and I cried for days mourning my perfect xmas just the 3 of us.

This year we decided that we definately wanted it on our own so to avoid arguement DP told MIL that my mum was coming to stay.

So we just assumed that was it we had finally got the day to ourself. MIL arrived yesterday for the week to bring xmas gifts etc. Tonight she commented that she couldnt wait to see DS's face when he opened his presents. She then told DP that her and her friend have booked to come over for xmas . DP said she couldnt....my mum was coming. MIL said ,"I dont mind."
DP is fuming.

She said she's coming regardless. I'm and .

What do I have to do to get a bloody quiet xmas without my interfering MIL.

OP posts:

alicet · 07/12/2008 22:09

I think your dp needs to stand up to her and tell her that you are very sorry but she is not invited at Christmas. She can't come regardless - if you tell her that she is not invited and she turns up anyway I would either not open the door or else tell her politely but firmly that she is not invited and needs to leave.

Perhaps as a sweetner you could invite her over on Boxing day and tell her that you will save her pressies to your dc to be opened then when she can see them?

But she is well well out of order.

alicet · 07/12/2008 22:11

Or tell her that you understand that she would like to see ds's face when he opens his presents so why doesn't he open them now while she is here? But that you already have plans for Christmas.

If you don't want to be honest and tell her that you just want time alone I would tell her that given that she has been lucky enough to spend the last 2 christmases with you it is only fair your mum gets a turn so she cannot come too.

ilovemydog · 07/12/2008 22:12

Wow - she doesn't do subtle

What about telling her that you've changed your plans and are going to your mom's for Christmas?

Or get DP to sort it out. His mother, after all.

Original poster

FiveDollarShake · 07/12/2008 22:14

We cant invite her for boxing day as we live in different countries. If it was a case of one day it wouldnt be too bad but it would be for at least a week I imagine.

She did say to DP,"What about all the presents ive bought!" Like they're condtional or something! Ive said that if it bothers her she can give them next time she visits after xmas.

OP posts:

alicet · 07/12/2008 22:15

I would also be putting a very big stop to her taking over in your own home. You (or preferably dh as she is his mum) needs to be calmly telling her that you will do things your way.

She sounds as though she has been very very out of order but to be fair to her if you have put up with it and let her do things her way she can't be expected to be a mind reader

BibiJesus · 07/12/2008 22:15

Does she actaully stay with you in your house? If you Mum is coming then there won't be room surely?

Tell her you don't want to be overcrowded and it would be lovely to see her in january some time.

Original poster

FiveDollarShake · 07/12/2008 22:18

She usually stays at our house. But as she thinks my mum is staying, she and her friend plan to rent somewhere.

OP posts:

alicet · 07/12/2008 22:19

So if she and her friend are renting somewhere why can you not tell her she is invited for boxing day but not Christmas?

BibiJesus · 07/12/2008 22:20

Sounds like she wants to get her way no matter how much it inconveniences her or others. I really don't know how you get out of this one short of saying "We don't want you here this Christmas"

Will your dp be that blunt? Can you not say plans ahve changed and you're going to stay at your Mum's house. Surely she'd not invite herself there?

scrooged · 07/12/2008 22:21

If they plan to rent somewhere else then she wont be under your feet. If she insists on opening presents after breakfast than save hers for after breakfast .

catweazle · 07/12/2008 22:22

Your DP sounds just like my DH. I have been waiting for 25 years for him to say no to his mother. He won't. I'm afraid the messages get diluted from son to mother and they get "of course you can come" and not "we want to be alone".

I'm afraid I disagree with the other posters saying it's his mum make him sort it out. He won't and you'll have a 3rd Xmas ruined, just like I did last year when yet again the ILs rolled up at 11.30 am Xmas Day (not invited- or so I thought ). As I'd planned to have dinner at 12- 12.30 that scotched that, for the 3rd year running.

You will have to speak to her, make a big thing about DP getting his wires crossed and say she definitely cannot come this year. Sorry but you're sure she understands. Big smile.

Original poster

FiveDollarShake · 07/12/2008 22:23

TBH i dont want her for either. DP works long hours and for the last 2 years has worked boxing day ( therefore leaving me with MIL). I know that if she comes over and stays nearby she will inevitably be round all the time, turn up on xmas day regardless.

OP posts:

alicet · 07/12/2008 22:26

Could you stand up to her and tell her that you are very sorry but you have other plans that do not involve her. And that you would love to see her in January to give your dcs their presents but that she cannot come at Christmas.

If you do say this to her what are the chances she will come anyway? Because if you are this frank with her and she still turns up I think you would not be unreasonable to tell her that you are sorry, you made yourself clear, but that she cannot spend the time with you and will have to go and sort herself out.

This seems harsh but she would get the message then wouldn't she?

alicet · 07/12/2008 22:27

I am gobsmacked that anyone would think it is OK to book flights to come and stay without asking first at any time of the year and especially Christmas!!!

Original poster

FiveDollarShake · 07/12/2008 22:30

Alicet....as I type she is sat across from me reading a magazine and it is taking all my restraint not to chuck her on our open fire! Thats how angry I am.
She has booked the flights, so in her mind she's coming. The nerve of this woman is unbelievable!

OP posts:

BibiJesus · 07/12/2008 22:32

CHUCK HER ON THE FIRE! Problem solved.

Original poster

FiveDollarShake · 07/12/2008 22:34

The subject has not come up between us yet. DP only found out tonight and I wasnt in the room. Im waiting for her to bring up the subject again. Then I will tell her that my mum is coming, we never see each other, mother daughter time etc etc. Whether she'll listen...

OP posts:

alicet · 07/12/2008 22:34

I appreciate how hard it is to stand up to her. TBH despite all I have said I am not sure I would have the balls.

But you have to decide how important this is. not just the Christmas but the taking over thing and thinking that she has the right to do whatever she pleases regardless of your wishes. Where will it stop?

I think either you need to decide that you will not let this upset you and grin and bear it. And take advantage of her for babysitting etc so that you and dh get a couple of nights out together or something.

Or you need to stand up to her and tell her that it is not Ok for her to book flights without asking first and that she is not invited for christmas nver mind whether she has flights or not

scrooged · 07/12/2008 22:34

Can't you cancel the flights for her? (avenanap walks away whistling)

Or... could you tell her that you have arranged to stay at your mums this year but not go?

alicet · 07/12/2008 22:35

Crossposted... Don't wait for her to bring it up.

If you are going to confront her on this then tell her what your dp has told you and tell her that it is just not possible for her to come this year and you are sorry for her inconvenience in booking a flight already but that she really sould have asked first.

Go on - go into the kitchen, neck a mahoosive glass of wine, and tell it to her straight!

BibiJesus · 07/12/2008 22:38

Do it, do it now! You can them come bck to us victorious and give hope to all those other DILs of overbearing MILS. (i.e. me)

bellaBuonNatalevita · 07/12/2008 22:38

Gosh - my heart is racing for you, the nerve of the woman.

scrooged · 07/12/2008 22:39

I had to do this. You'll feel so much better. My MIL went into ds's school and asked for a coy of his school report as she didn't think I was giving her enough information about my child!

Be brave and lay down the law!

Original poster

FiveDollarShake · 07/12/2008 22:40

I cant grin and bear it....ive done that for 2 years. I cant even take advantage of babysitting as DD is still BF and as we live out in the sticks it wouldnt just be a quick drink at the local IYKWIM.

Alicet.....im a wimp . I cant. Im scared of her .

OP posts:

bellaBuonNatalevita · 07/12/2008 22:41

Blardy 'ell scrooged - that's not on

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