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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To not want my MIL for christmas AGAIN!!!!

74 replies

FiveDollarShake · 07/12/2008 22:06

This christmas we were looking forward to a nice quiet family time. Just me, DP,DS and DD (it'll be her first christmas).

For the last 2 christmas's my MIL has been to stay for 2 weeks (we live in different countries) with her friend. The first year she came was stressful. She basically took over everything. She made xmas dinner her way, at the time she wanted it. Opening presents was done how she usually did it, after breakfast etc.....in my family we alwys did presents first. I basically couldnt relax in my own home. Couldnt watch what I wanted on tele. Had no control over anything.
Last year I told DP that as I was heavily pregnant with DD I wanted a quiet xmas and no house guests. MIL invited herself anyway and DP didnt stand up to her so she ended up staying again. It caused untold problems between us and I cried for days mourning my perfect xmas just the 3 of us.

This year we decided that we definately wanted it on our own so to avoid arguement DP told MIL that my mum was coming to stay.

So we just assumed that was it we had finally got the day to ourself. MIL arrived yesterday for the week to bring xmas gifts etc. Tonight she commented that she couldnt wait to see DS's face when he opened his presents. She then told DP that her and her friend have booked to come over for xmas . DP said she couldnt....my mum was coming. MIL said ,"I dont mind."
DP is fuming.

She said she's coming regardless. I'm and .

What do I have to do to get a bloody quiet xmas without my interfering MIL.

OP posts:

Original poster

FiveDollarShake · 08/12/2008 07:16

She has lots of friends she could go to. She isnt on speaking ters with anyone else in her family really.....its a long story and completely her doing. I dont think we'd be mean not to have her as she comes to stay lots at other times during the year. And she has been for the last 2 years.

I wish it was a easy as to say 2 " you can come but on our terms!" It just wouldnt happen. I'd be railroaded into everything.
Me and DP had planned everything....what we would have for xmas breakfast, some nice champagne with xmas dinner and a couple of friends over for nibbles and drinks on xmas evening. None of this would happen if she came. If I challenge her she sulks.
I mean while she's here she's even trimming up my house and doing my tree to her taste.....I mean control freak or what.

OP posts:

Nighbynight · 08/12/2008 07:41

you paint a very vivid picture five dollar...lots of sympathy, hope you and dp can manage it!

alicet · 08/12/2008 07:44

So purpleduck you think its reasonable of her mil to decide, even though she has been told 'no not this year we have other plans' to just book a flight so that they have no option but to have her?

No fcking way is this reasonable of her. So although it would be sad if she was sat in rented accomodation with a mate at Christmas while her son and family did their own thing I would have to say tough shte

FiveDollar honestly if you give into her on this it is giving her carte blanche to just railroad you into doing whatever she bloody wants in the future regardless of what you want. If you are not going to be able to put up with it and bite your tongue for as long as she is about I think you need to tell her.

alicet · 08/12/2008 07:45

And by saying you have to tell her I mean acollective you - you and / or dh

Original poster

FiveDollarShake · 08/12/2008 07:50

I totally agree with you Alicet. I know that if we dont stand up to her it will be one thing after another that she thinks she can control. I do think its up to DP ultimately and I'll back him up. If it was my mother (my mum has her faults but would never do this!) I feel I would be able to sit her down and be straight with her. But its not my mum is it? Its his. He should be able to tell her straight....he's 39 years old FGS!

OP posts:

throckenholt · 08/12/2008 07:59

if you don't say no this time it will have become and ingrained tradition that she is there to share christmas with her grandkids - so you can kiss goodbye to your own ideas.

You and DP must decide which you can face - that scenario forever, or a very uncomfortable time this year as you deal with her disappointment and disbelief that you are saying no.

earthpixie · 08/12/2008 08:03

What a stressful situation for you. Your MIL needs to realise that you are a family in your own right now you have kids and should call the shots for your own Christmas. She is riding completely roughshod over your wishes and feelings. I's not on. You've been nice and now I think you need to get tough. If your DH won't handle it, you'll have to. I'll be hideous but imagine how good you'll feel afterwards knwoing that you've asserted yourself. Simply say 'MIL, I must just clarify what's happening at Christmas. My mum is with us on Christmas Day and we'll be happy to see you on......' Don't leave any wiggle room and keep repeating what's going to happen until she gets it.
Good luck!

earthpixie · 08/12/2008 08:04

IT's not on. IT'll be hideous (although I can be too sometimes!)

HollyCherry · 08/12/2008 08:28

FiveDollar - Your MIL sounds v. like mine, and my DH is also 39 - if we hadn't already made our plans I'd be starting to wonder if he's a bigamist !

Can't offer a great deal of advice, but much sympathy as the last 3 Christmasses for us have been horrendous (MIL expecting to travel halfway round the country on Christmas day afternoon so we can see them at BIL's place, my parents feeling they're being sidelined cos we have to arrange everything round IL's). Last year we ended up spending Christmas day on our own, then visiting our parents individually with DD on Boxing Day (I went to mine with DD, he picked her up after lunch and took her to his while I stayed with my folks).

Touch wood I've got my own way this year and have my olds coming Christmas day and we're off to the IL's Boxing Day.

I know you've already said it's unlikely to work, but what if you (or DH) offered her an ultimatum - you wanted a family Christmas on your own, and if she insists on inviting herself, thing will be done your way or she will not be welcome at Christmas again - ever. Tell her what your plans are and (I know its a pita and a lot of work) prepare as much as you can before she descends so she can't get away with just overriding you.

Good luck - I really hope it all works out for you.

Fizzylemonade · 08/12/2008 08:40

I have had lots of run ins with the in-laws never over Christmas but about child rearing and the likes.

If you don't nip this in the bud now you will be spending Christmas with her for the next 20 years.

It is hard to do confrontation and to be honest although my DH felt exactly the same he found it very hard to confront his parents. I started the conversation and DH backed me up so they could see it was a joint thing and not just me (the girl they didn't want him to marry)

We even practised scenarios with me being FIL and Dh being himself to see if he could handle the conversation. I used to be a debt collector so I am used to thinking on my feet but DH is just IT guy and not used to it.

I wish you the best of luck, it is hell but worth it in the long run. I think maybe you need to be rude back and say "you cannot invite yourself to something when you have been expressly told you are not invited"

bouncingblueberries · 08/12/2008 08:45

Ok, I'm going to go against the grain here. Reading between the lines, it sounds like your MIL might be a very lonely lady.

My mil is also very controlling and interfering (I didn't buy a stitch of clothing for ds when he was born - mil sent so much stuff there was no point, most of it not to my taste), but once I realised a lot of it was to do with her being lonely and wanting to be useful to us (indispensable in other words) it did make it easier for me to grit my teeth and accept it.

I know it's hard. DH and I have horrific rows whenever in-laws visit or we visit them. But they love ds to bits and he adores them, so I steel myself as much as I can and then rant and rave to my mum about how psycho they are! I just say over and over "it's only for 2 weeks, it's only for 2 weeks, they'll be gone soon, deep breath, deep breath".

Good luck. I hope you manage to sort something out so that everyone has a nice Christmas

Nighbynight · 08/12/2008 09:24

well she probably is lonely, but thats no reason to let her move in and take over.
Inviting herself and friend, ignoring hints, rearranging her son's house... loneliness may be the reason, but its not an excuse.

if she behaved a bit better, she probably wouldnt be lonely. tough love appropriate here imo.

DoesntChristmasDragOn · 08/12/2008 09:29

"What do I have to do to get a bloody quiet xmas without my interfering MIL."

Tell her you don't want her to stay. Don't lie about your mum coming to stay. be honest

purpleduck · 08/12/2008 10:10

alicet
No, I don't think thats reasonable of the MIL, but I just think that at Christmas, family should be together. I grew up in a home where everyone was always welcome.
I find it really really hard to understand any other way - and I don't mean the OP, my MIL always wants a "quiet" christmas, and that means we HAVE to spend most christmases on our own. Sometimes nice, but also sad for my children to not have any memories of big family christmases like I do.

Thing is, how is the OP going to solve this long term? Is it really feasible to have either a christmas without the MIL, and create bad feelings, or a Christmas WITH her where you are on edge? Doesn't seem like either is great.

Wouldn't it be a better long-term solution to DEAL with her meddling ways?

I know it would be hard, but she will be your MIL for a long long time.

I just think that if I were older, my family moved out, I would be DEVASTATED if they didn't want me. You have the upper hand here -use it to your advantage.

Maybe she thinks she is helping?

Bad situation, and I feel for you!
Good Luck

compo · 08/12/2008 10:19

it makes you wonder how she can enjoy xmas knowing she has invited herself and that she isn't really wanted, not to mention her friend!

2pt4WiseMen · 08/12/2008 10:20

If she hasnt told you herself and has only said it to your DH then GET IN QUICK and say to her casually 'God, we are so looking forward to xmas with my Mum this year, it will be lovely seeing her as we havent seen her for ages. Its so nice that you managed to come over this week so we will have still seen you as well. What are your friends and your plans for xmas day? I bet you are looking forward to having a grown up xmas with just the two of you?' BIG SMILE and see how she digs herself out of that!

Original poster

FiveDollarShake · 08/12/2008 13:16

I dont doubt that my MIL is lonely....but it is her own doing really. Its a very long story but she had 3 children including DP but she hasnt seen the other 2 for probably 20+ years, she once told me that she didnt go her own mothers funeral and abused DP as a child. This is a woman who I feel is trying to make up for the past...but with my children. I tolerate her.

I have just spoken to DP about it. The thing that annoys us the most is that she assumed she could come without asking. And that she was devious and booked the flights behind our backs! She thinks that because everything is booked we cant say no. DP asked if we should compromise and invite her for a bite to eat on xmas evening? Ive said no.

OP posts:

hertsnessex · 08/12/2008 17:18

Stand up to her now - you and he HAVE to - otherwise as another poster said you will be having her for the next 20yrs.

the fact she said she abused my DP is a child would have be packing her bags for her.

alicet · 08/12/2008 20:05

purpleduck actually I totally agree with your idea about christmas but that's not the point is it? I very much doubt you will be in this situation a few years down the line as you will be sensitive to what your children want to do and therefore they will be a lot more likely to want you there.

Forcing an invite in this manner is out of order.

Think 2point4wisemen has a good plan. But its probably too late now as she will know by now that you and dh will have spoken about it. I think you are right to stand your ground - good luck and let us know how you are getting on

Original poster

FiveDollarShake · 08/12/2008 21:08

Hertsnessex- Sorry I worded my post a bit wrong.....MIL didnt tell me that she abused DP as a child, DP and other members of the family told me.

Thanks for all the suggestions on how to handle the situation. She still hasnt brought up the subject and I know I should but its so difficult. She's staying with us for 7 days before she goes home so if we're not speaking etc it'll be a nightmare.

OP posts:

BibiJesus · 08/12/2008 21:50

You really should, regardless of how long she's staying. If you leave it until she's leaving she'll get awy with the last word along the lines of "oh we'll talk about it later..." and never bring it up again.

You're going to need some times to reinforce you point by the sounds of it.

Original poster

FiveDollarShake · 09/12/2008 12:03

Ive just skirted around the subject of xmas with MIL.
She has ordered some trousers off the internet for DP for xmas. I asked whether they will be delivered here or to her house. She said here. So I said would you like me to wrap them for you? ( I felt like adding....since you wont be here for xmas! ...but i didnt).
She said no dont bother. I said ok, I know they're from you so I'll just give them to him at xmas and say, "These are from your mum!" She said what? So I repeated it. She just looked at me.

OP posts:

BibiJesus · 09/12/2008 16:55

...a breakthrough...?

YAY!!!!!! Well done for bringing it up!

DeckTheHallsWithBling · 09/12/2008 17:11

Well done on saying something, but I don't think this woman is going to get you being subtle. And you mentioned earlier that one reason for not saying anything is that she will just sulk. My response to that would be "so?" Sulking is a manipulation tool and even though it's hard to just ignore it, you should try. If she sulks, that's her problem. Not yours.

She sounds lonely. But family should be able to compromise. So if she wants to be invited into your home, she needs to start realising it is your home.

I am a bit concerned about DP's mum who has a habit of turning up for the whole of summer without discussing it with us in advance. I need to do some pre-work to make sure it doesn't happen again as I've just realised that if it does happen this year I'm going to be seriously cheesed off (although DP is amazing and makes it clear to her she can't be at our house all the time, that I need space etc etc). But we will be ttc (or maybe even pregnant?) by then, so dealing with her on top might be too much for me!

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