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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

About my birthday.......

67 replies

geisha · 05/12/2008 12:13

Dh is very last minute, always has been. I don't expect him to change because it is part of who he is and I knew that when I married him. It's my 30th birthday tomorrow. It obviously occured to him on Tuesday that he hasn't thought about it. So he rang up the local spa and book for me to go on Saturday. I am horrified, I do not have much self confidence. The thought that I am going to have to wear a swimming costume, be massaged, prodded and poked by attractive women is unthinkable to me. I am dreading it. He did not put any thought into this at all or ask me what I would like to do, he just threw money at the situation. He says I am ungrateful and don't go if I don't want but I will waste money. He said he booked it because he knew I wouldn't want to spend the day with him (things are not well between the two of us).

AIBU to expect him to ask me what I would like to do..... I would have liked to put the christmas tree up with the girls and maybe go to the local pub for lunch with the girls?? I know going to a spa is many womens idea of heaven but its my idea of hell.

OP posts:

whomovedmychocolate · 05/12/2008 12:38

You can put the tree up on Sunday - go to the spa, the staff will make you feel special, and it sounds like just what you need.

I'm still waiting for my birthday pressie - from October so YAB(a bit)U.

fluffles · 05/12/2008 12:43

I don't know what to say

He knew you wouldn't want to do something with him - and you don't say anything to contradict this idea

You have such body issues you can't enjoy a spa treat which SHOULD be lovely

He doesn't seem to KNOW you have such body issues or understand it

YANBU to be a bit upset at the whole situation but i think you need to address both issues 1 and 2, which should solve issue 3.

Maybe going to the spa will help you feel better about yourself????? You don't have to do any treatment you don't want to. It could all be 'hands off' or facial only if you want.

StephanieByng · 05/12/2008 12:48

Agree with fluffles, go along to the Spa; they will not WANT to do anything to make you uncomfortable, that's not their job; you can have fantastic and not too intrusive treatments like head massage, manicure, pedicure...

also it would use the present he gave you which while it might have been thoughtless, is at least something that he has done!

Also agree that there are clearly HUGE communication issues between you otherwise this situation wouldn't have arisen. I hope you can get things sorted between you, good luck

ginnny · 05/12/2008 12:52

I'd love a spa day.
Don't worry its their job, they will put you at ease and make you feel wonderful.
Why don't you want to spend the day with dh?
Maybe that needs sorting out more than what to do on your birthday?

MollyCherry · 05/12/2008 12:55

I am very overweight and the thought of spa's sends shiver down my spine, but over the years my hubby and MIL have treated me on a few occasions (once even had a male masseur come to the house - eek!), and the staff have never been anything other than professional, friendly and approachable. Once you've got over the initial going in and stripping off you may find it's not as bad as you think. I tend to feel a bit nervous if I go anywhere like that now, but I still enjoy it once I'm there.

Shame that your DH didn't give it a bit more thought though...

pamelat · 05/12/2008 13:03

The staff are not always even gorgeous!

The only time I was uncomfortable was when I got a 20 year (very nervous) trainee lad, I was 27 at the time and mortified.

Why not call ahead and explain that you are body conscious (I have done this before and I am only a size 10 but still not a lot confidence with my body, I would like boobs!) and ask for a more mature female masseur.

Seriously you may enjoy it.

Which one are you going to>

Original poster

geisha · 05/12/2008 13:31

At least no-one seems to think I am being totally unreasonable, maybe just a bit! I do feel ungrateful, but not because I wanted something better or more expensive. Just a lovely day with my DD's and to feel appreciated by dh would be all that I would ask for and this doesn't have to cost anything. Dh knows about my self confidence but doesn't get it at all iyswim. As an example, I own 2 outfits (my work uniform and a pair of jeans which the knee has now gone in), the rest of the time I live in pyjamas -because I do not have the confidence to buy myself anything new incase it looks hideous. He really doesn't understand why I can't just go and buy something to wear.

There are communication issues which I cannot overcome. I have given up trying.

My next question was going to be would you go? However it seems you would....?

OP posts:

StephanieByng · 05/12/2008 13:36

To be fair to him though Geisha, that is in fact a highly unusual situation, to live in pyjamas through lack of confidence. It's going to be very hard for you both to communicate because it IS going to be hard for him to understand where you're coming from. Personally I think if this were me I would take steps to deal with those feelings of lack of confidence because I think that may help you communicate with each other in the long run.

I think you could approach your GP and explain this and ask if they can refer you for counselling; often there is a counsellor attached to the GP surgery, it doesn't have to be anything big or scary and lasts a few weeks.....

Unfortunately no-one is going to GIVE you that confidence, it's up to you to take steps.

But I think it would be worth it

And personally, yes I think you should go! It may be a little step toward you feeling a bit better even.

megnog · 05/12/2008 13:48

I just wonder whether you would really be able to enjoy your spa day, given that you feel bitter about it? I agree with other replies which say you should not be afraid to go - I've got low body confidence, but really the people there have seen all sorts, I'm sure you're not going to shock them, and it might actually give you a real boost to be touched in a therapeutic way by someone - it will be proof you are not repulsive (or whatever you seem to think you are), and will also be relaxing. As others have said you could go for minimal contact, e.g. pedicures, manicures, a soak in a bubbly whirlpool etc, it's your day so you choose completely what you do.

All that aside, it sounds like you do have some serious personal confidence issues that you really need to address, it would be great if you could organise some kind of therapy. Your GP will definitely be able to help - if you go and they aren't helpful, go and see a different GP. You could also use the counseling sessions to discuss your relationship issues as well.

I hope you have a wonderful 30th whatever you decide to do! Perhaps you could invite a friend along to the spa day - it would be more fun than going alone!

neolara · 05/12/2008 13:51

I know this might be a bit off the point, but can I suggest getting a personal shopper to help you buy some clothes. I hate, hate, hate shopping because everything I tried on always looked awful. As a result I felt crap and had two pairs of trousers and some holey jumpers. By chance I found out about personal shoppers at John Lewis and now my wardrobe and confidence about my physical appearance has been transformed. I've now got lots of clothes that fit and look good.

StephanieByng · 05/12/2008 13:56

I agree with that neolara - someone neutral to help you shop is a good idea; If I go with a friend I find I buy what THEY like rather than what suits ME!! And alone I was utterly clueless; I used a personal shopper once and they had really useful ideas on what to wear for my body shape, I would thoroughly recommend it!

Original poster

geisha · 05/12/2008 13:57

My mum is going with me. She doesn't get my issues either. The package dh has bought includes a 45 hydrotherapy treatment which doesn't sound hands on (but sound very boring, sitting in a bubble bath for 45 mins) and a scalp, back and face massage. We have to get there at 9 then the first treatment is at 11.00 45 mins each as there is only one bubble bath then lunch then massage thing at 1.30. No idea what we are supposed to do between 9 and 11. The lady on the phone said bring 2 swimming costumes so you don't have to eat lunch in a wet cossie! I only have one! I haven't shaved my legs or anything else below my belly button for months! That is going to be attractive for the other poor guests.

OP posts:

babylovesmilk · 05/12/2008 14:01

Sorry but you souns a right misery guts. Go and enjoy it fgs woman.

Original poster

geisha · 05/12/2008 14:02

A personal shopper is something I would never have though of. Susannah and Trinny is what I need (and a confidence boosting miracle). Not even sure I could do that though.

OP posts:

StephanieByng · 05/12/2008 14:02

Geisha I have to say you may be in danger of sounding the teensiest bit ungrateful

Sitting in a hydro bath for 45 mins - not 'boring' - relaxing! Be positive!

Time between 9 - 11, maybe it's for a swim, or relaxing! Blimey! Sounds lovely to me!!

Not shaved - so shave!!!

Obviously I do get that this is not your ideal day, but your negative mindset is making it worse, in my very humble opinion.

At the very least it's nice to spend your 30th with your mum - do you like her? Get on ok?

Original poster

geisha · 05/12/2008 14:02

I am a misery guts!

OP posts:

babylovesmilk · 05/12/2008 14:04

Well stop it at once and go and shave your lady garden.

Original poster

geisha · 05/12/2008 14:05

Mum is ok. She and sh hate each other and I get fed up of each complaining about the other to me. Obviously I don't tell either that they don't like each other so feel like piggy in the middle

OP posts:

Original poster

geisha · 05/12/2008 14:06

sory should have been mum and dh don't like each other

OP posts:

nailpolish · 05/12/2008 14:07

have yhou tried to get your money back? phone the spa and tell them you are ill and cant go

even if they give you a voucher you can pick and choose treatments to your own choice

btw - they will do waxing as well i bet

LilyMayPlumpington · 05/12/2008 14:08

Geisha - I'm carrying some excess weight and I'm 40 years old (so officially ancient), but I don't mind the Spa at all (and I am self conscious about my body). You will find that many of the other customers are not disimilar to this. The Spa therapists couldn't give a damn (unless you smell, have poor sanitary habits or a fungal disease)....

Perhaps you can ask them to give you a facial or just and indian head massage if you don't want your back done etc

Give your dh a hug, work on your marraige. I know that many dh's are simpleminded and frustrating - they are men after all, but you need to focuss on his good points. I have recently learnt to do this with my dh - focus on the positive rather than his many failings (because he is good bloke, just exasperating). Please try to do the same

Original poster

geisha · 05/12/2008 14:18

exasperating and simpleminded are the perfect words!
No refund policy if cancelled within 7 days unforunately (sure that still applies even if booked within 7 days!) I'm listening to the advice I'm being given and will go. Just wish it could have been different.

OP posts:

deckthegirlandboywithholly · 05/12/2008 14:25

Yes you go! It will be a change if nothing else.

I got f--k all for my 40th from dh. Apparently he thought I wouldn't want a fuss making of me.

Shiner · 05/12/2008 14:28

Geisha,
A lot of DH's have the same approach as yours. Perhaps a few hints:

Next year, gently suggest to your DH what you would like as a present? eg, "if anyone was looking for a present for my birthday, xyz would go down a storm". I'm afraid this is what I and my DH do to each other, and actually it works really well.

Regardless of whether you enjoy the spa day, can you tell your DH that you appreciated the gift and that he wanted to give you something nice. As he's basking in the positive praise, add that it would be a fabulous conclusion to your birthday weekend to put the xmas decorations up and go for lunch at the pub with the girls? Worth a shot...

I used to hate showing my body for massages, too. Then I realised that the poor masseuses got to see every shape of body, many of which were in a far worse state than I perceived mine to be. It's their job. They don't care what you look like, they are quietly working out what to cook for tea. However, I would shave your legs, at least for your benefit!

I can vouch for the benefits of a personal shopper. My husband is a Tommy Hilfiger addict because there's an assistant at our local shop who puts together whole outfits for him, and does it really well. He goes in saying he just needs a pair of trousers and comes out with three pairs, plus shirts and jumpers which all match the other.

Try online shopping, eg from M&S. Get clothes delivered in two sizes, try them all on in comfort at home, send back (or take back) what you don't like. Start with basic things where you can't go far wrong. Black trousers. A black t-shirt. A white t-shirt. A brown jumper. Ta-da!!! Try them on in front of your mum, if it helps to have another opinion.

And...congratulations on your 30th! Remember to smile lots!

pamelat · 05/12/2008 14:41

I would go and try to enjoy it (personally I would love it but appreciate thats just me!!)

Shave your legs though.

Have a look online at the spa.

You have youth on your side anyhow! x

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