About my birthday.......

[geisha]

Dh is very last minute, always has been. I don't expect him to change because it is part of who he is and I knew that when I married him. It's my 30th birthday tomorrow. It obviously occured to him on Tuesday that he hasn't thought about it. So he rang up the local spa and book for me to go on Saturday. I am horrified, I do not have much self confidence. The thought that I am going to have to wear a swimming costume, be massaged, prodded and poked by attractive women is unthinkable to me. I am dreading it. He did not put any thought into this at all or ask me what I would like to do, he just threw money at the situation. He says I am ungrateful and don't go if I don't want but I will waste money. He said he booked it because he knew I wouldn't want to spend the day with him (things are not well between the two of us).

AIBU to expect him to ask me what I would like to do..... I would have liked to put the christmas tree up with the girls and maybe go to the local pub for lunch with the girls?? I know going to a spa is many womens idea of heaven but its my idea of hell.

Could you spend the clothes money on something more constructive, maybe something like personal shopping advice (for how to feel more confident), or maybe something which might help your mindset (like acunpuncture/reflexology) etc or if you want to change your body shape, maybe you could buy a subscription to a fitness magazine (I like Zest) and/or a basic skipping rope. 5 minutes a day is enough.
Sorry, not saying that you should change, just that you sound like you want to?????

After baby no2 (one day) I am going to pay for sessions with a personal trainer and feel confident once and for all.

Geisha, The men you marry are rubbish about remembering your birthday etc.. The cad who fancied you, did everything to get a shag then you found out he was shagging everyone else they are brilliant at getting you presents (or was that just me! )
Sorry just want to lighten the thread. DH and myself laughed at 'smack the pony' when the woman wanted the bloke to ask her to marry him in the perfect way. Not with the pub behind her but in front of the river, not on one knee but with a rose in his hand etc... My DH said that was me and fell off the sofa laughing. They can't read minds and don't read romantic fiction. get a personal shopper with the money (I went to debenhams great) and say thank you. No I don't wear PJ when I get home. because I/we have friends pop round. Why don't you go out with the girls with the money and laugh about pro and cons of marriage

Is the money enough for the cat, the watch or both?

When's the spa day?
Is it soon?
Have you been?

You poor old you. Yabu, I'm afraid, but definitely not intentionally. You sound depressed as hell and your body image is unusually negative. Severely negative. I bet you're just fine, and even if you look like Bubbles de Vere, what the hell do spa staff care?!? They're nice people! They want you to have a good time!

I'd bet money on DH being at a total loss - man-style - to know what to do. But then so are you. So.

See a GP please. AND raid the internet for good diy tips for battling depression, anxiety, SAD, body-dysmorphia, or whatever your intuition thinks might be a good line of enquiry.

xxPB

She had it, she hated it

I expect she did.

Thank you for your replies. I will sort this out, for myself and my girls.

I appreciate that the OP possibly is depressed and struggles with her body image and may well need some help with this.

But am still a bit at how quickly the other posters jumped to the conclusion that if you don't enjoy a day at a spa, which any woman ought to enjoy, then you've got to have body issues.

Why are there certain activities that all women ought to enjoy just because they're women?

And does the same go for men? ("Darling, if you don't want to spend your birthday at home watching the World Cup surrounded by cans of lager there must be something wrong with you, because that would be a wonderful treat for most men").

Personally, I would feel quite hurt if dh bought me a day at the spa, because after 20 years he ought to know a bit more about what I really want. And I would rather my birthday did not focus on the-things-about-you-that-I-would-like-to-change; he can choose any old Tuesday for that.

I would of course thank him nicely anyway- as I will thank my son very sweetly for his birthday gift of Mamma Mia tomorrow (have hated Abba since my 1970's childhood in Sweden!).

Cory, it's not just the spa, it's the pyjamas and the no clothes and avoiding friends etc etc. Plus the OP has been fairly explicit about how she feels about her body.

I wouldn't want a spa day either, tbh!

Cory, Does your DH know what you really want? Not being sarcastic but does he? Or do you communicate so well that you tell him what you want so he knows? I think we sometime believe that the people that care about us should know us. My Mum hasn't got a clue about me. I don't think its the spa thing, its her apparently lack of confidence and child oriented ideas. Not that we know its only our impression.

Geisha - at least you got something. birthday has just been and gone with not a present in sight. (from DP that is) My only present was from his older sister. Feeling rather sorry for myself tbh. SOmeone slap me and tell me to get a grip.

Geisha - I can see where your coming from, if my DH gave me saucepans or something like that for my birthday, i would hit him around the head with them!

Men do 'sometimes' give inappropriate gifts and if you dont let them know that you would have preferred something else, it will never change.

Ask him, to ask you next time.

Ohhh - we share a birthday me and you!

And Donny Osmond, I think

COry: it wasn't just the not liking a spa day that made me think the OP might be depressed (I would hate a spa day, I loath being poked about and have never seen the 'thrill' of spending longer in a bathtub than it takes to get clean - but I don't hate my body and am not depressed). It was more the repeated comments she made about her low self-esteem and poor body image that suggested to me this was more than just her DH not knowing what to give her for her birthday.

Folks, I did say that I appreciate that she probably is depressed. I just couldn't help notice noticing that the second poster got in with body issues long before the OP had mentioned the pyjamas.

And I quote:

fluffles on Fri 05-Dec-08 12:43:26

"You have such body issues you can't enjoy a spa treat which SHOULD be lovely"

The pyjamas (which I agree sound bad) didn't actually surface until 13:31. Before that there was very little evidence of body issues or depression. But maybe fluffles is clairvoyante? Otherwise, I find the idea that something SHOULD be lovely just because you're a woman totally off-putting.

And my birthday is tomorrow, so we can put dh to the test.

Spa days, perfumes, makeup- and I have clearly failed in the signalling.

David Attenborough's Life in Cold Blood or Practical Fishkeeping Magazine, and he has been using his special knowledge- or remembered something from the beginning of the year, either of which would be impressive.

But I agree, it is a sensitive question. I still shudder at the memory of my Mum's 50th, where she had failed to communicate, he had failed to be a mind-reader (or indeed to take any action at all ), and the whole day ended up being about their failure to communicate. It wasn't about her not getting a present (we pooled our pocket money and bought her a lolvey present), it was about her not feeling cared about by Him. Not a highwater mark in what has otherwise been a very happy marriage- and I do feel that part of the fault was hers.

Bravo, Cory

For what it is worth when I was 8months pg with DD1 Dh forgot my birthday altogether despite being out with friends the night before discussing birthdays! I don't generally bother with presents but as it was my 30th I said I'd like preferably a cat or a watch (a bit different I know). So he knew what I would like but didn't get organised in time!