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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

About my birthday.......

67 replies

geisha · 05/12/2008 12:13

Dh is very last minute, always has been. I don't expect him to change because it is part of who he is and I knew that when I married him. It's my 30th birthday tomorrow. It obviously occured to him on Tuesday that he hasn't thought about it. So he rang up the local spa and book for me to go on Saturday. I am horrified, I do not have much self confidence. The thought that I am going to have to wear a swimming costume, be massaged, prodded and poked by attractive women is unthinkable to me. I am dreading it. He did not put any thought into this at all or ask me what I would like to do, he just threw money at the situation. He says I am ungrateful and don't go if I don't want but I will waste money. He said he booked it because he knew I wouldn't want to spend the day with him (things are not well between the two of us).

AIBU to expect him to ask me what I would like to do..... I would have liked to put the christmas tree up with the girls and maybe go to the local pub for lunch with the girls?? I know going to a spa is many womens idea of heaven but its my idea of hell.

OP posts:
pamelat · 05/12/2008 14:42

Worst case (if you really do not want to go) they may delay it for 6 months or so for you?

megnog · 05/12/2008 15:10

Even if you are booked in for certain treatments they will swap to other treatments if you ask them, so long as they're the same price or you're willing to pay the difference.

HaveYourselfAJammyLittleXmas · 05/12/2008 15:27

Geisha - I haven't had a chance to read all of everyone's replies so apologies if I am repeatingbut I wanted to say that I am very much a plus size woman and the thought of going to a spa used to scare me. But I went. I couldn't face going for a massage, but had a lovely facial and pedicure. And I had a lovely time swimming and relaxing either in the hot tub or just lying around. It wasn't boring, but if you think it might be then take a magazine or book? You will probably have a lovely fluffy robe to wear, so you won't have to be seen in your cossie all the time, and tbh everyone will be so intent on themselves that they prob wouldn't notice if you walked past them stark naked! I can't wait to go again!!

SOunds like you need a good boost, and this might just be the thing to spark that off. And don't be too hard on DH - he's not the only man to leave things to the last minute/not really think things through and he was trying, bless him! Perhaps come back and tell him what you (hopefully) did enjoy and that will give him inspiration for another time?

Oh and I've never bothered shaving "down below" but prob worth sorting your legs out, then you won't be worrying about them on the day at least. I really hope you go and that you enjoy it and that this is the start of a whole new happy relationship with yourself and DH!

Original poster
geisha · 05/12/2008 18:06

thanks for all your replys. I will be going and I will shave all the necessary bits. Can't say i'm looking forward to it and that's a shame but i'll do my bit to be positive. I sometimes think as mums we spend all year, everyday doing things for the other members of our family and ask for nothing it return because that is what being a mum is all about. It would be nice just 1 day per year to be asked what we would like to do wouldn't it!?

OP posts:
compo · 05/12/2008 18:10

I really feel for you Geisha
Has nayone on here suggesting going to the doctor? Imo oyu sound depressed

MincePirate · 05/12/2008 18:12

i guess the spa day is not going to fix what is really going on here. You and dh are not getting on, and thats the problem.

LilyMayPlumpington · 05/12/2008 18:18

I agree with compo, you do sound a bit depressed Geisha. Not majorly so, but certainly on that scale...(the thing about pjs all day and having such a downer on yourself)

Original poster
geisha · 05/12/2008 18:26

don't feel depressed, but when i am not at work (full-time) i come home, put my pyjamas on because I am not comfortable in my jeans for pottering about the house. does no-one else get changed into their pj's when they get home?

OP posts:
pamelat · 05/12/2008 19:49

I do, immediately!!

MollyCherry · 05/12/2008 22:45

My favourite bit of the day!

themildmanneredjanitor · 05/12/2008 22:51

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

LoveBeingAMummyKissingSanta · 05/12/2008 22:54

The package dh has bought includes a 45 hydrotherapy treatment which doesn't sound hands on (but sound very boring, sitting in a bubble bath for 45 mins) and a scalp, back and face massage. We have to get there at 9 then the first treatment is at 11.00 45 mins each as there is only one bubble bath then lunch then massage thing at 1.30. No idea what we are supposed to do between 9 and 11. The lady on the phone said bring 2 swimming costumes so you don't have to eat lunch in a wet cossie! I only have one! I haven't shaved my legs or anything else below my belly button for months! That is going to be attractive for the other poor guests.

This sounds like one I went to with my mum. The hydrotherapy was fab very relaxing a bit like a massage, and I'm normally very funny about being in a cossie.

Lots of times these places will mark the treatments and how they were carried out so if you let them know you've never been before and are a bit unsure they'll do whatever they can to help. Plus lunch was yummy.

Take a good book with you and have a day to oyurself, maybe even decide what you want to do about you and DH.

They main thing is he has done something for you, if he didn't care then he wouldn't have done anything

PS when you put SH before I thought you'd come up with your own new acronym for SHIT husband

Original poster
geisha · 07/12/2008 06:55

So I went for the spa day - it wasn't as horrendous as I imagined it could be but not sure it was worth the monen he paid (and pointed out that I would waste if I didn't go). Dh also gave me some cash to go and buy some new clothes which shows he doesn't undertsand my confidence problem - because my lack of clothes is not a money issue! I understnad to many women a spa day and wad of cash would be a dream present but not to me. Just feels thoughtless and last minute. He said that he hadn't had time to organise something and we would do something in Jan (don't know what something is). The thing is I told him what I would want for my birthday (never usually do that and usually get nothing) - a watch or a cat!

OP posts:
Original poster
geisha · 07/12/2008 06:56

BTW - I'm not really overweight (size 12 or 14 on top). Just have no confidence.

OP posts:
BlueCowNowIsLowing · 07/12/2008 07:26

I've been reading the whole thread, and to me it sounds like although you have no confidence in your body, your dh does! It is tricky when men get things so wrong, but at least you had a reasonable day (away from your dc!) and 'thoughtless and last minute' is so typical of many men.

Maybe it's time for upgraded pj's - the realm of leisure wear (sorry, just joking!) but perhaps something less work-like and more comfortable for after work.

NewKnickersFromSantaOnMaHead · 07/12/2008 07:41

I am the same. I hate things like this. I wouldnt even go to the hairdessers. Last year, dp bought me a girt cert for a hairdressers and one for a spa. I went to the hairdressers but never went to the spa. The gift cert is still in the house somewhere.

But well done for going

LilyMayPlumpington · 07/12/2008 12:49

Come on - admit it, you enjoyed it just a little bit

sticksantaupyourchimney · 07/12/2008 12:54

I don't think YANBU but I don't think your DH is, either. To be a bit blunt, I think this may be his way of trying to help you gain some confidence and take some notice of your appearance.
This is not to say that a woman should 'look good for hubby' or any such crap, more that your posts suggest a rather more serious issue with your self-confidence and perception of how you look that you might actually need to consult your GP about. I think you might actually be clinicially depressed and this could be a big factor in your problems with DH: he is trying to jolly you along with a nice pampering day because he doesn;t know what else to do and thinks, in some way, that you would be better off going out into the world than staying at home. He may not be going the right way about it but I think he means well.

(Having said that, a Spa Day would be my idea of hell but everyone who knows me knows that.)

StephanieByng · 07/12/2008 13:35

I agree with sticksanta. Good post. I too do not think you have to look nice to keep a man etc; but neither do we have the luxury of living like a hermit if we have chosen family life; I mean, if your DH had lived in your pyjamas when you met him, how attractive would that have been?

I think it's unfair to inflict that on a partner and children TBH; quite apart from yourself; you are worth so much more and your children will benefit from the role model of a mum who does have the confidence to show them how to go out and deal with day to day life.

I hope you can get at least enough confidence to work on your self esteem to start thinking about small changes. Good luck.

StephanieByng · 07/12/2008 13:36

or even HIS pyjamas when you met him

Fantastic mental picture of your DH in girl's pj's

bubblagirl · 07/12/2008 13:45

i thinkt he fact your not getting on is showing here

whatever hang ups you have he has suprised you witha lovely relaxing day and probably was hoping to please you and yet has had it thrown back at him because you have insecurities

go be pampered and relax no one is bothered aboput how you loook they are there to make sure you relax and enjoy

i think the main thing here is your problems together you should of regardless mag=de effort to appreciate his gift maybe said cancel i'll prefer to do something together masybe go be pampered and go for a lovely meal

i dont know what the problems are but maybe this is a time you can put an end to them and make effort it takes 2 and even if you dont like what he has booked he has given you a gift many of us would dream of instead of a card and garage flowers lol even then im so happy as he made some effort

you really sound so negative and this wont help when he has made effort to make you happy shave your legs and whatever else and go be pampered and enjoy try and be happy and he will be too to see you happy remember ther eideas may not be what we want but it really is the thought that counts he clearly loves you and is trying at least

bubblagirl · 07/12/2008 13:49

sorry noticed you ahve already been glad you enjoyed it but you sound really ungrateful im sorry how can giving money be thoughtless or a spa trip be thopughtl;ess

too many women comp,lain dp have bouhght them ugly clothes havent done anything for there special day havent suprised them but have asked them what they want

Original poster
geisha · 07/12/2008 16:38

Giving me money to buy myself some clothes feels thoughtless because the reason I don't go out to buy clothes is nothing to do with lack of money. I can however quite ubderstand why I must seem very ungrateful and fully appreciate that these gifts would be ideal for many women. stephaniebying - I hadn't thought about the bad example I am setting the children. I so want them to grow up to be confient women and agree it is unlikely to happen with a wallflower for a mum.

OP posts:
StephanieByng · 07/12/2008 17:07

I do think now is the time to sort things geisha; when we're parents it's no longer just us who are affected by things. Kids learn strongly by example and to be frank they will struggle to cope in the world if you can't.

The pressure is not all on you; they have their dad as well, but it is important I think. If you can't do it for you, do it for them!

kettlechip · 07/12/2008 19:52

This sounds so sad and so unnecessary. I think you need to speak to somebody - sounds to me as if you have some kind of body dysmorphia going on. Sounds like your dh is trying to help but is probably slightly at a loss as to what to do. I can't think that his gift was anything other than caring and well intentioned. Please go and see your gp.