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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To make my 17 year old son use the launderette because I am so sick and tired of him treating the rest of the family with disdain and our house like a hotel?????? Tis long.. Soz.

87 replies

Beelliesebub · 01/12/2008 10:25

DS3 is in 6th form, he has a part time job where he earns about £300 a month and because dh was on a really low income last year ds3 also gets the full £30 EMA every week. Out of this we take no money from him whatsoever, it's his to do with as he sees fit. All we ask of him is to walk the family dog for 10mins a day and perhaps the odd chore like put the bins out or bring them in, unstack the dishwasher occasionally or put his stuff in it....
I decided in the summer that all my ds's would do their own washing as to be honest they were really taking the p*ss. I was doing three loads a day and where me and dh would try something on decide not to wear it we would then hang it back up my ds's put it in the wash. This included stuff that had been ironed and put on their bed but when they came in it got dumped on the floor, creased and they then decided to put it back in the wash. When I implemented this rule their washing load mysteriously reduced to 2 loads a week...
Anyway, over the last few months he's become increasingly more annoying.
He rarely takes the dog out, the one thing he's been specifically asked to do. If I ask him to do anything he looks at me like I'm an arsehole. He treats my home like it's a hotel. He's moody, arrogant, and dismissive with me and I really can't be arsed to appease him any more.... Little shit!
I run out of plates and glasses because they're all in his room with his very own special brand of mould growing in them.
Anyway, this weekend was the final straw. On the Saturday night when he came in he took 4 socks and a tea towel out of the washing machine that I'd put in there for the next wash, shoved them on the breakfast bar (dirty) and then proceeded to wash a half load of washing on a full load??? WTF! AND on the Sunday morning he ordered a taxi to take him the 1 mile to work and then let it wake the whole house up by being in his room while the taxi decided he'd had enough of waiting outside for him and knocked on the door at 7.50 on Sunday morning.... Knowing full well that his dad gets up between 4.30 and 6.30 all week depending on what shift he's on and only gets a lie in at weekends.
SO...........
Did I do wrong giving him this:

House Rules.

Since you behave the same (or worse) than a lodger, here are your new house rules as of Monday 1st December. If in the future you become less self obsessed and want to be part of a family again then we will look at relaxing the rules.

You will not be asked at any time to do any jobs or tasks.
You will be in the house by 11.00pm every week night. Unless arranged in advance.
You will be in the house by 12.00pm at weekends. Unless arranged in advance.
You have access to your bedroom, the bathroom and the kitchen only.
Any other room is out of bounds (including ds4's) unless you are invited.
If at home you should be in your room by 10.00pm.
You can shower once per day between the hours of 7.00am and 10.00pm (Mon-Fri).
At weekends showers to be taken between 10.00am and 10.00pm.
The kitchen or anything in it are not for your use.
The car is not for your use.
Washing to be done at launderette.
The washing line is not for your use, nor is the drier.
The only reason you will be in the kitchen is to fetch a drink or have breakfast.
You will be offered 1 cooked meal per day.
Visitors are not allowed.
Loud music is not allowed.
The PC is not for your use. Homework to be done at schools computer.
If you phone for a taxi ask them not to knock on the door. Wait downstairs.
If your friends pick you up ask them to turn the stereo down before they arrive.

If you choose to ignore the above rules, or we end up working for you again ( clearing up the bathroom, having to fetch pots from your room because we?ve ran out, clearing up because you can?t tidy the kitchen after you) etc etc then you will be paying weekly board. There will be no more warnings. In consideration of the fact that you don`t eat here every night your board will be set at £30 per week with the same rules as above. In consideration of paydays you will be given two weeks notice that you will be paying for board and lodgings.

OP posts:
Wizzska · 01/12/2008 10:38

He's a teenager - what do you expect?

pramspotter · 01/12/2008 10:39

If I would have behaved like that as a teenager I would have been kicked out. It's called tough love.

leoleomakingalist · 01/12/2008 10:40

YANBU - you are only human.

He is a teenager and prob doesn't even notice that he does these things.

Teenagers think very much like 2-3 yo that the world and everyone revolves around them. But unlike a toddler you can't control them.

Have you shown him the list? What did he think?

leoleomakingalist · 01/12/2008 10:41

BTW - I have a 3yo so I am only guessing based on what I was like as a teenager.

poppy34 · 01/12/2008 10:46

yanbu.. in fact am tempted to copy some of your rules

themildmanneredjanitor · 01/12/2008 10:46

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

FlirtyThirty · 01/12/2008 10:47

I probably wouldn't have gone with the formality fo the list, but then...you are clearly desparate! By the time you are at the stage of communicating by written letters/rules, communication has badly broken down and needs major recovery!
I can completely understand your frustration...though I'm not sure I understand how it got so bad in the first place.

I absolutely don't accept the 'but he's a teenager' response...the majority are not like this.

I like that you included: "If in the future you become less self obsessed and want to be part of a family again then we will look at relaxing the rules." and when you talkt o him, I would labour this point the most. Explain that you really don't like having to do this and want to be able to treat him in the same was as the rest of the family, and not like a lodger, and maybe give him somethign very practical to do to achieve this in the short term...

Hope you can sort something out that works for you all...

FlirtyThirty · 01/12/2008 10:49

PS. Agree with the MMJanitor...coming up with a joint agreement of rules and chore division would be far preferable if you can...

pramspotter · 01/12/2008 10:49

If you don't instill some values into him now he won't learn. MIL used to run around after 19 year old bil cooking for him, doing his ironing etc etc even whilst she was dying of cancer.

When she died he had no idea how to look after himself and didn't want to get a job so dh let him move in with us.

Fast forward to 3 months later when I didn't have one dish in my kitchen cupboards and found them all piled up with old food in his room. And I was coming off of a 15 hour shift only to have him hand me his laundry.

Out on his ass. It's the only way they will learn.

compo · 01/12/2008 10:49

I agree with mmj
You are definitely bu
He is under 18, he is still at school, he needs help and encouragement with school until he leaves
telling him he can only do his homework on the school pc is completely over the top
you seem to have a disdain for him tbh

leoleomakingalist · 01/12/2008 10:50

I would tone the rules down a bit - stick the the issues?
What about limiting use of the washing machine and a rule on washing already in there?
Not sure on the curfews though.

chopchopbusybusy · 01/12/2008 10:51

As you have older teenagers I am making the assumption that DS3s behaviour is worse than theirs was and for that reason I'd say most of the list is probably OK. I would query the homework to be done on computer at school. DD1 is only in YR10 but I know that with the amount of time she spends on homework, using the computer only at school would mean that she would be unable to complete it. I would imagine that in 6th form there is possibly even more homework to be done.
Also the no visitors rule. I do think it's a bad idea to have a rule that means any socialising needs to be done outside of the house.
Access to only the bathroom, bedroom and kitchen? It doesn't really leave much room for him to be a member of the family - that rule is unreasonable I think.

chopchopbusybusy · 01/12/2008 10:54

I've also just noticed that the kitchen cannot be used. Is he supposed to eat take aways at all times?

frankbestfriend · 01/12/2008 10:56

YABU

Ask him to pay board instead.

girlandboy · 01/12/2008 10:58

All I want to know is what on earth does he do with £330 a month?!?!?!

Shit, I don't even earn that!

cory · 01/12/2008 10:59

The problem is you are moving from one extreme to another.

From letting him run rings around you to presenting him with a formal document, stating more or less 'you are not a member of this family at all'. "You have access to your bedroom, the bathroom and the kitchen only"- does that mean that the rest of you are going to be nice and cosy in the living room together and he's not allowed in?

And as the ultimate threat you mention charging him £30. After you have already excluded him from joining in family life and made it virtually impossible for him to keep up with his school work

I would have had that money off him as a start, not as a punishment but as a reasonable contribution. But if I ever felt the need to exclude one of my offspring from the family living areas, then I would ask them to leave outright. And it would have to be for something pretty grim, not just for being a teenager.

cory · 01/12/2008 10:59

The problem is you are moving from one extreme to another.

From letting him run rings around you to presenting him with a formal document, stating more or less 'you are not a member of this family at all'. "You have access to your bedroom, the bathroom and the kitchen only"- does that mean that the rest of you are going to be nice and cosy in the living room together and he's not allowed in?

And as the ultimate threat you mention charging him £30. After you have already excluded him from joining in family life and made it virtually impossible for him to keep up with his school work

I would have had that money off him as a start, not as a punishment but as a reasonable contribution. But if I ever felt the need to exclude one of my offspring from the family living areas, then I would ask them to leave outright. And it would have to be for something pretty grim, not just for being a teenager.

poppy34 · 01/12/2008 11:02

have you actually tried sitting down with him - I'm sort of guessing you have...have similar position here and trouble is having agreed to rules now completely ignoring them/pretending he doesnt know them so not sure where to go.

nzshar · 01/12/2008 11:05

I think YABU

I had these kind of rules placed on me at 17 so I left. Parents thought it was funny at first and that I would be back but I never did return.

pigleto · 01/12/2008 11:06

I think agreeing rules would be more effective. You are very cross with him at the moment, which is understandable.

He is not a lodger; he is your son. He needs to have more consideration for you than a lodger would have.

He should be doing chores, including cooking and cleaning as well as walking the dog.

Make a contract with him and stick to it. Remind yourself not to nag as he will tune it out and it will lead to you falling out big time.

mm22bys · 01/12/2008 11:12

He is old enough to take some responsibility, that includes helping around the house, and paying (some of) his way. I wish I had been earning that amount when I was 17!

You need to have him on board otherwise you will alienate him, can you sit down and talk with him and come up with some rules together?

Good luck,

Lilymaid · 01/12/2008 11:14

I would stick to the main issues only and hope that in a year or so he will be off at university. I have a 17 year old who is a little like that but I know he will improve (or at least appreciate the efforts I have to make for him) once he has to do all these things for himself.
I think it is unreasonable for you to expect him to do all his homework at school.

Beelliesebub · 01/12/2008 11:16

To be honest, I've tried talking with him, explaining to him, pleading with him, bargaining with him and for the last two weeks I've been warning him and this is the upshot! When I've tried to explain to him he's as good as said "is that it then? can I carry on with my busy social life"

I know he's a teenager but that doesn't mean he can have disregard for every other member of the family and it certainly isn't what I expect!

The rule about the kitchen is because at night I cook a proper meal, meat and two veg type of thing and he won't eat it cos its crap as far as he's concerned. He then decided to go and make a pizza or some crap junk food and when he does he makes an almighty mess of the kitchen. I could understand if he had to wash up but there's a dishwasher and it's just another way for him to show his disdain.

And as for his school work, he comes in from being out with his friends or his girlfriend and decides to settle down to do his homework at 11pm and when I've come through to the kitchen or into the dining room all I can here is the tell tell bleep of MSN!!!

His sixth form teacher rang me and complained about his attitude on Friday and this is the only way I can see of making him realise that there are other people in this world that he has to get on with and the whole universe doesn't centre round him and him alone....

OP posts:
onthewarpath · 01/12/2008 11:16

I think you list is a bit OTT but I do agree with you strongly on the fact he hass to pull his weight a bit more. I eould insist more on what he can do to help than what he should not be doing. I do not understand why you do not want him to do his laundry in you washing mashine? Or use your washing line etc...? is ther something I missed from the Op?

I think you have to have maybe more reasonnable expectetions , you do not want him to feel that you would prefer to get rid of him (or would you?) You certainly should not feel like his mmaid but surely he should not feel like he is in boot camp either. Sit down with him and let him know that you are tired of the situation (I know I would be) and that when you grow up, responsabilities grow as well.

Try to ask in a positive manner like "could you please bring cups back to kitchen?" rather than "do not let the cup get mouldy under your bed?" ( I do appologise if you are already doing that).

onthewarpath · 01/12/2008 11:16

Cross posted, sorry!