To make my 17 year old son use the launderette because I am so sick and tired of him treating the rest of the family with disdain and our house like a hotel?????? Tis long.. Soz.

[Beelliesebub]

DS3 is in 6th form, he has a part time job where he earns about £300 a month and because dh was on a really low income last year ds3 also gets the full £30 EMA every week. Out of this we take no money from him whatsoever, it's his to do with as he sees fit. All we ask of him is to walk the family dog for 10mins a day and perhaps the odd chore like put the bins out or bring them in, unstack the dishwasher occasionally or put his stuff in it....
I decided in the summer that all my ds's would do their own washing as to be honest they were really taking the p*ss. I was doing three loads a day and where me and dh would try something on decide not to wear it we would then hang it back up my ds's put it in the wash. This included stuff that had been ironed and put on their bed but when they came in it got dumped on the floor, creased and they then decided to put it back in the wash. When I implemented this rule their washing load mysteriously reduced to 2 loads a week...
Anyway, over the last few months he's become increasingly more annoying.
He rarely takes the dog out, the one thing he's been specifically asked to do. If I ask him to do anything he looks at me like I'm an arsehole. He treats my home like it's a hotel. He's moody, arrogant, and dismissive with me and I really can't be arsed to appease him any more.... Little shit!
I run out of plates and glasses because they're all in his room with his very own special brand of mould growing in them.
Anyway, this weekend was the final straw. On the Saturday night when he came in he took 4 socks and a tea towel out of the washing machine that I'd put in there for the next wash, shoved them on the breakfast bar (dirty) and then proceeded to wash a half load of washing on a full load??? WTF! AND on the Sunday morning he ordered a taxi to take him the 1 mile to work and then let it wake the whole house up by being in his room while the taxi decided he'd had enough of waiting outside for him and knocked on the door at 7.50 on Sunday morning.... Knowing full well that his dad gets up between 4.30 and 6.30 all week depending on what shift he's on and only gets a lie in at weekends.
SO...........
Did I do wrong giving him this:

House Rules.

Since you behave the same (or worse) than a lodger, here are your new house rules as of Monday 1st December. If in the future you become less self obsessed and want to be part of a family again then we will look at relaxing the rules.

You will not be asked at any time to do any jobs or tasks.
You will be in the house by 11.00pm every week night. Unless arranged in advance.
You will be in the house by 12.00pm at weekends. Unless arranged in advance.
You have access to your bedroom, the bathroom and the kitchen only.
Any other room is out of bounds (including ds4's) unless you are invited.
If at home you should be in your room by 10.00pm.
You can shower once per day between the hours of 7.00am and 10.00pm (Mon-Fri).
At weekends showers to be taken between 10.00am and 10.00pm.
The kitchen or anything in it are not for your use.
The car is not for your use.
Washing to be done at launderette.
The washing line is not for your use, nor is the drier.
The only reason you will be in the kitchen is to fetch a drink or have breakfast.
You will be offered 1 cooked meal per day.
Visitors are not allowed.
Loud music is not allowed.
The PC is not for your use. Homework to be done at schools computer.
If you phone for a taxi ask them not to knock on the door. Wait downstairs.
If your friends pick you up ask them to turn the stereo down before they arrive.

If you choose to ignore the above rules, or we end up working for you again ( clearing up the bathroom, having to fetch pots from your room because we?ve ran out, clearing up because you can?t tidy the kitchen after you) etc etc then you will be paying weekly board. There will be no more warnings. In consideration of the fact that you don`t eat here every night your board will be set at £30 per week with the same rules as above. In consideration of paydays you will be given two weeks notice that you will be paying for board and lodgings.

i think he should pay board and have chores.

i dont think your list will work. its a good startingpoint for a discussion, i rather think a chores list stuck on kitchen door would be better.

agree re - own washing. - if its downstairs i wash it - i am not searching for your skiddy gruds fgs. if my kids complain they have nowt to wear - they know how to use washing machine.

couple of concerns.

mind you dont drive him away - you will miss him if he goes. you will worry - oh how you will worry.

no use of home PC? encourage him to finish 6th form, i couldnt tell himto do school work at school - and trust him to do it and make most of his education. - and if you do trust him to do it - then i think that says a lot about the young man in question.

rules are great - there has to be bounderies, but i think your list needs to bephrased different.y - simply 'rules'

have specific for eldest ds but have some int here for other family members too

I understand your pain, Bell, and agree that you have to do something about it. The only problem is that there are parts of that list that make you seem almost as OTT as he is.

I think it is extra important when dealing with this age group to represent the voice of sanity. Authority, yes, but reasoned sensible authority.

Also, that the one thing that you need to stick to is the idea that you do actually (underneath all the irritation) love him and want him. Teenagers may seem as if they don't care at all, but they do, oh they do.

I would sit down and discuss an arrangement which involves him contributing to the family finances- as he should do if the is using them and earning, tidying up after himself in the kitchen and not using the computer after a certain time if this disturbs the rest of the family. Visitors to leave after a certain time.

But I would also offer him support with his work. This attitude of his- could it be that he is secretly afraid of failing?

I have 5 DSs-DS4 is 15 so I have been through it all several times over!
I agree with MMJ on this-your list is too draconion. Pick a few things-the ones you feel are most important-and work on those.
You are setting him against you and he will feel too hard-done-by to work with you if you present him with your list-imo anyway.

The washing machine bit is because he'll put a load of washing in or half a load as the case may be and then leave it in there until he decides that he'll put it in the tumble drier. I have taken it out for him and hung it on the line for him in the past and his return gesture is to stick my dirty washing on the breakfast bar!
He's not excluded from the family, he's excluded himself. He doesn't want to spend anytime with any of us unless of course there's something in it for him...
It irritates me that he uses the tumble drier because I only use it in emergencies as it's so expensive and he knows my views on this but still he ignores me and I really had got to the point where it was easier to just let him get on with it because when he just ignores me anyway.... but Sunday it dawned on me that I couldn't just let him get on with it any more...

Well, if you tell him he's not allowed in the living-room, that sounds like a pretty good definition of excluding him.

"He has excluded himself" - well, your job is to give him a chance to come back. Or alternatively, to throw him out and never see him again. But to live with him in your home as if you did not enjoy his company seems a damaging way for both of you.

I agree with Dittany- you need to ask yourself what you are hoping to achieve. And then think about how to achieve it. If your main objective is to make him feel bad, then you are probably in for a pretty unhappy homelife. If you want him to change, you need to get him to feel involved.

And btw we are all saying, ask for a financial contribution.

You could be describing my 19 yr old DD
Always mouldy cups/plates in her room.
She leaves kitchen in a mess
clothes all over her room too.
I have sort of tried to ignore most of it,tbh,and obv I do clear up because I cannot stand it.
Not sure what t he answer is,she is (fingers crossed)going to university next yr so will have reprieve until the other 3 hit teen years
Parenting teens is bloody hard. Give me slleepless nights and toddler tantrums anyday!

to me it sounds a bit harsh. Why not just stop running around after him and start making daily trips into his room to reclaim the cups and plates?

He recently said that he thinks, in his words, "6th form is cak and so are the teachers because they treat him like a kid" so I said ok, are you sure it's not because you act like a kid?? No mum, he said,I really don't like it! Ok sez I, why don't we see about getting you into college or ring up the careers lady at connexions and see if they can suggest anything else you could do. I even went as far as getting a lad a couple of years older, who didn't like 6th form but changed to college ring him and give him advice because as far as he was concerned, I didn't know what I was talking about!

He's doing sports science at 6th form and he actually rings me up at least twice a week to bring him his football boots or his shinpads or his dinnermoney..... he's 17 ffs..... he's doing a sports course..... what makes him think he won't need these things.... and when I refuse to bring them to him he keeps ringing me back.... CONSTANTLY.... and when I still say no he storms back into the house with a taxi waiting like I'm an ogre!
Incidentally, his 6th form is 3/4 of a mile away!

No teenagers yet in this house, but worked in a hostel for homeless young people (16-25) for 5 years.

i know it is extremely hard when it's your own child, but you need to try and take some of the emotion out of all this. Believe me, you do not want your child moving out and ending up in council temporary or hostel accommodation.

In a hostel there are rules for everyone and clear consequences for breaking them. Your rules need to apply to all and be couched in those terms (not directed at him).

You need to take some board from him (and from all others if they also have some income).

You need to stop picking up after him and teach him how to be independent. Don't do his laundry - put clear instructions by the washing machine, but don't expect him to get it right every time (I shrank DH's fav jumper last night)! Ask him if he wants to eat the family meal and if he says no, stop cooking for him. Limit computer time. Etc etc etc...

You need to find a way through that stops you losing the plot but doesn't break your relationship completely. In a few short years he will be in his 20's and probably desperate to come home for lovely food, clean pants and a hug. Don't risk all that.

Your house rules list says to me - " You are not welcome in MY home."

Whilst you have good reason to feel annoyed and fraustrated, I dont see this list as doing anything but allienating your son further.

Also, if he is earning £330 a month and your family finances are tight, I think you should charge him rent/ board - not as a punnishment but because he is part of the family and can afford to contribute.

He sounds a lot like me as a teenager! Definitely charge him board regardless. £30 a week sounds ideal, but charge him a percentage of bills on top of that to make him think twice about using the washing machine and tumble dryer so wastefully. He will undoubtably be surprised how much they actually cost once he has to pay for them himself.

Don't exclude him, that is utterly counter-productive. Ditto limiting his computer usage for homework. He won't suddenly warm to you if you're not allowing him in certain parts of the family home, he'll just feel more and more victimised and alienated which will make this behaviour worse.

mmj, not reasonable to call the OP a tad crazy. She may be driven to desperation, that doesn't make someone crazy.

Agree with the sentiment that sitting down and talking is the way to a solution. Assuming you can get him to do that. It's clear, though, that the OP is very, very upset and I can see why. Being a teenager is not an excuse for being a git and he needs to know how his behaviour affects other people even if that is extreme.

So, OP, YANBU on the way you feel and I hope you can use this event as a turning point to making things better.

I've tried giving him chores custardo and he just doesn't do them. All they have to do is sort out their own room and do their washing. Very often, I do it for them anyway but the only chore they have to do for me on a daily basis is walk a dog and the dog he has to walk is on it's last legs anyway so he can't walk her for longer than 10 mins. Once a week put the bins out the front or get them in, occasionally peel some potatoes and maybe once a week stack or unstack a dishwasher. If they don't like what I'm making for dinner, there's always stuff in and then they can make something else but he can't even get his head round that. He never likes what I cook even if it was his favourite last week at someone else's house, so he makes something that he likes and then leaves pots and pans and milk and eggs, just stuff all over the place and when I call him to put it away, he ignores me or he's gone out!
Why the fck should I have to live like this any more. I am sick and tired of telling him for it to fall on deaf ears. I don't want to be a nag, what a waste of my life.... nagging a child that doesn't give a fck anyway!
As for dh it upsets him to see me so upset and he thinks its the only way left to go. The trouble is I'm normally the one to say to dh "aww don't be so harsh, he's only a lad etc." and look where it's got me!

YANBU to want things to change but not sure if that is the way to go about it.

When mine are teenagers I am going to make damn sure that they do their fair share.

I would sit down with them all, write a list of all the jobs that are done in the house and each in turn go round and pick out their chore until they are all gone. I would also get them to cook each once a week.

worked really well for a friend of mine. At 17 loads of people live on their own and if they can't do all these things they will suffer (and their future partners).

and if they refuse/ don't pull their weight etc charge board.

The stupid thing is I'm actually sat here sobbing away because I didn't want it to come to this at all.... (apart from the bit about kevin dittany, that made me giggle cos tis true)... I do think you could be right though, I do feel he's really confused about being a kid one minute and an adult the next but the disruption is horrendous..........
I s'pose out of all my ds's he was the one that I thought was most like me and the realisation that really he's nothing like me at all is a bit of a shock......
Money, isn't an issue.... Me and dh had gone through a pretty rough time financially for the last couple of years but this year its all sorted.... so it's not the money and besides I'd said to him while he was at school I didn't want money of him but if he left and got a full time job, then I would expect board and I won't go back on my word.

WHy not sit him down, tell him that you are at the end of your tether and that if he doesn't start pulling his weight then you will start charging board. Let him see how upset you are. Ask him to justify why you should spend hours chasing round after him.

Do you think he would stick to the rules if you did go down that route?

I think that some of your rules are fair enough but some, eg you are only allowed in certain rooms and no going on the PC, not using the washing line (wtf?) are a bit OTT and will only alienate him.

I'm a bit confused at you saying you wont take money for board off him, as you wont go back on your word. In your OP didnt you say you would use that as a final sanction?

Oh teenagers are awful I think this age is worse for boys ime.

The problems we had with dss behaving like this. Dishes everywhere, crap everywhere, doing just what he wanted all the time.............and then when he moved out, coming and hogging the washing machine for 5 hours the morning after dd had been sick all night .

Leave him to get his own meals if he doesn't want yours, can't advise on left over pots etc. I think they all do this tbh.....sometimes you just have to ignore it although it really pisses you off.

I rememeber feeling like that...why the fuck do I have to live like this...but then they grew up and changed. One moved out, and one just matured...........and now I do battle with ds 15 who "hates this house"

HTH a bit...they are pretty much all the same

op good for you!!!you have taken a strong stance against awful behavoiur, you have given ds a list of whats expected and needed from him, well done!!!! im all for mummies cutting the apron strings and this is clearly what you are attempting to do. your teaching and preparing ds for the real world away from the family home, by the time your ds moves out he will be totally able to look after himself and his new home(throw in some finance lessons and youve covered everything).i bow down to ur wisdom, and will be following your example with own dc....i strongly feel its our duty as mothers to prepare our kids for the real world, because once mine fly the nest they are not comming back!!!!lol(except by invatation).other posters ,the op has tried everything!!!! shouting ,being sweet ect, this is her last attempt at reasoning with a teenager.......very difficult to get through to, theyre on a different plannet(plannet memyselfandi i think)