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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To want DH to help out in the mornings WITHOUT being asked?

53 replies

TreeTrunkThighs · 26/11/2008 13:40

I think I probably am BU but still. DH works full time, own business, lots of stress etc. I am SAHM with 2 children, one at school, one 13 months.

In the morning I get up with the baby (this morning just before 6am) - change, dress, entertain and feed her til 7am. Then I sort out the big one's clothes, make sure her teeth are brushed and hair is done. Get myself showered and dressed. Finally do breakfast for we three.

Meantime DH gets up at 7.30am, showers, has breakfast and goes at 7.45am.

I know this is not balanced and he should probably do something. He would if I asked I'm sure. But this is where my being unreasonable comes in. I don't want to have to ask. I want him to see the imbalance and do something about it. Given that it has been going on for 13 months now I think it unlikely.

So AIBU to want him to help out but not because I have asked him to?

Ah, that feels better. This was trawling through my head at 4am and I feel better for writing it down.

OP posts:

phraedd · 26/11/2008 13:44

men don't think. It really is that simple.

You do need to spell it out if you want help.

PrettyCandles · 26/11/2008 13:46

YANBU to want him to help out, but YABU to expect him to do it unasked.

Many men just don't think that way. Because he doesn't see the work you do, he doesn't realise just how much you do - or even that you do it at all. And because it has been going on for 13m without question, it has become the norm and it won't occur to him to change the norm unless he is shown, and told, that it needs changing.

Communication, communication, communication, m'dear.

(Love the nickname, BTW )

laweaselmys · 26/11/2008 13:47

If you don't ask he has no way of knowing you're unhappy with the current set up.

Majeika · 26/11/2008 13:47

but he is out all day and you are at home and could catch up on a little nap if you so desired which I know is not the point but still............why not tomorrow, dress the baby and put her in bed with DH?

the only thing I have asked DH to do is empty the DW in the evening - has he done it yet? NO

I could do it now but am Mumsnetting!!

pingping · 26/11/2008 13:49

My Mum used to say if you don't ask you don't get!

YABU

Iklboo · 26/11/2008 13:50

Don't get me started. Had a row with DH about this on holiday. Apparently he can't 'take a hint' (eg putting empty suitcase on his side of bed with hos clothes folded up next to it = I want him to pack the suitcase) and I have to ask him directly and clearly

Miyazaki · 26/11/2008 13:52

I don't know, am prob in the minority, but I don't think his behaviour is massively unreasonable... If you want help I think you do need to ask for what you want. We all have to take responsibility for having our needs met by communicating them. As a relate counsellor once said to me.

Tommy · 26/11/2008 13:54

could you suggest it to him as a way of spending more time with her?

When she wakes up, you could ask him to get her up and dress her while you have a shower. He might enjoy it!

countingto10 · 26/11/2008 14:01

You have to ask (but you might not necessarily get). It really hacks me off that my DH spends at least half and hour in the bathroom every morning - I wish I had the time to do that - "but I have to shave" is his answer when I query the time spent.

He does get the two youngest dressed when he has finished though (obviously I have got their clothes ready for him).

Blondeshavemorefun · 26/11/2008 14:06

agree men don think - and even if he is at work all day, getting up at 7.30 is a major lie in

maybe suggest that he does 2 early mornings - i week day and 1 weekend

it would be nice for him to spend time with your dd

is there anyway you can retrian your daughter not to get up till 7am?

neverknowinglyunderdressed · 26/11/2008 14:07

I am the only one who thinks that If your DH works full time and you are a SAHM of 2 one of which is at school - thats its perfectly reasonable for you to get the kids ready in the morning?

My DH leaves at 7am. He doesnt do anything here in the mornings. If he is back in time (70% of the time) he loads dishwasher and then reads bedtime stories. I think that is fine. If i worked all day (outside the home) and had a SAHD i wouldnt expect to do loads of chores on a weekday.

seeker · 26/11/2008 14:11

But if he has a high stress full time job outside the home and you have a full time job inside the home then isn't it a bit unreasonable to expect him to do stuff with the children in the morning?

countingto10 · 26/11/2008 14:18

Hasn't it been proved that a SAHM with young children is more stressed that a high flying executive. My DH can't wait to get back to the office after spending time at home with the DC. He freely admits this and has said he doesn't know how I keep sane which is why he does all he can to help out when he can (after I've asked him ).

seeker · 26/11/2008 14:20

I am absolutely sure that hasn't been proved!

babylovesmilk · 26/11/2008 14:20

YABU to expect to read your mind!!!! I'm not sure if YABU about getting more help on your DH work days or not - only you know what the baalance is like.

Blondeshavemorefun · 26/11/2008 14:22

underdressed - in your case dh leaves at 7am - therefore having to get up dressed/showered all before then - so ok for him not to do anything child related

think op is annoyed that her dh has a lie in till 7.30 every work day - where he could get up at 7am and sort out eldest child

or even get up when 13mth does

compo · 26/11/2008 14:25

the only reason we are ever late for school is because dh doesn't use the bathroom early enough so by the time i get in there, and he has swanned off to work I have to be extra quick

babylovesmilk · 26/11/2008 14:25

Have to say, think Seeker MIGHT be right. Having said that my DH works crazy hours in a high level job - and still does loads with DC.

Neeerly3 · 26/11/2008 14:36

My DH has recently started to go to the gym in the mornings (struggling to lose 5st before next baby arrives in feb), so is up at 6 and out the door at 6.15. Kids wake at half 6, maybe 6.45, when i then get up and shower while they watch peppa pig in my bed - we all then get dressed at 7 and downstairs by half 7 for brekkie.

He used to 'help' previous to being a gym junkie, in that he herded children, perhaps got clothes ready, but had to leave by half 7 at the latest for work. However I also work full time, so we do share everything 50/50, we always do bathtime together and he gets up on both mornings at the weekend and does breakfast with the boys and leaves me in bed (currently 27 weeks pregs and milking it for all its worth!).

Ohforfoxsake · 26/11/2008 14:41

Sounds like my DP. I get up and go to the gym some mornings at 6am. But I've got the clothes and bags ready the night before, breakfast bowls out, lunches made. I get back by 8 when the kids get up, then get them to eat their brekkie, have a wash, get dressed, teeth, coats and shoes.

DP gets himself showered and does a bit of shouting and takes the oldest two to school.

inzidoodle · 26/11/2008 14:44

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster

TreeTrunkThighs · 26/11/2008 14:51

I take it all on board - including the point that if he works f/t then really it is my job to get everything sorted in the morning. It just rankles sometimes when he sees me struggling occasionally after a bad night and still doesn't think to move from the bed until the very last second.

And, I know that I have to ask and not expect him to read my mind which is why I know I ABU but it definitely feels better to get some perspective.

Thanks all

OP posts:

ilovetochat · 26/11/2008 14:58

i'm a sahm and tbh don't expect dp to do any chores or help with dd in the morning before work, we tend to all get up at 6am but dp has to be out for 6.45 wheras i have time to wait 30 mins while dd throws her breakfast at her mouth.
one suggestion that works for us is some days dp will get dd from cot, change her nappy and then bring her in to me for milk so he gets a little cuddle before work which he loves.

StephanieByng · 26/11/2008 15:00

Of course he should help. When you are both in the house it's a joint thing. Just because he works out of the home and you work in it does not mean that he shouldn't do some of the morning routine.

However you do have to take responsibility for asking for what you want. It is unreasonable to have one routine for 18 months and then expect him to realise you want it to change without actually saying anything.

StephanieByng · 26/11/2008 15:03

am constantly amazed at how easy some DH's have it. Can I marry some of you?

In all seriousness though I do think it can be GOOD for the DH and the children to be more involved than that. OK an hour in the morning is not much and it may just be getting dressed/giving morning bottle but IMO and IME it is very important and valuable.

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