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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To want DH to help out in the mornings WITHOUT being asked?

53 replies

TreeTrunkThighs · 26/11/2008 13:40

I think I probably am BU but still. DH works full time, own business, lots of stress etc. I am SAHM with 2 children, one at school, one 13 months.

In the morning I get up with the baby (this morning just before 6am) - change, dress, entertain and feed her til 7am. Then I sort out the big one's clothes, make sure her teeth are brushed and hair is done. Get myself showered and dressed. Finally do breakfast for we three.

Meantime DH gets up at 7.30am, showers, has breakfast and goes at 7.45am.

I know this is not balanced and he should probably do something. He would if I asked I'm sure. But this is where my being unreasonable comes in. I don't want to have to ask. I want him to see the imbalance and do something about it. Given that it has been going on for 13 months now I think it unlikely.

So AIBU to want him to help out but not because I have asked him to?

Ah, that feels better. This was trawling through my head at 4am and I feel better for writing it down.

OP posts:

inzidoodle · 26/11/2008 15:06

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

babylovesmilk · 26/11/2008 16:11

I would'nt say my DH has it easy, infact I think he works much harder than me! He helps in the morning when he is here (ok, he does it all (in my defence am preggers) and does bedtime most nights when here. He also cooks at the weekend and sometimes during the week when he is about.

doggiesayswoof · 26/11/2008 16:16

7.30 is a long lie

He should be up and spending a bit of time with them (and dressing or feeding them) before he leaves imo.

My dh WANTED to do that.

Now he is SAHD and I go out every morning and now the shoe's on the other foot I want to see them for a bit before I go out.

fizzbuzz · 26/11/2008 16:30

Why is his job harder than yours?

He should definitely help you, either by alternating lie-ins, (until 7.30!), or getting up and helping you.

My dp would get a firm kick up the rump if he stayed in bed whilst I was doing all that.

seeker · 26/11/2008 17:12

OF COURSE going out to a high pressure stressful job is harder than staying at home looking after children!

There are days - OK, sometime weeks - that are pretty grim when you are a SAHM - but there are also such glorious highs, and all the time you have the knowledge that you are doing a hugely important, worthwhile job. And there are always trips to the park, coffee at friends houses, flops on the sofa watching Postman Pat, naps when they nap........you can't do that if you've got a boss breathing down your neck and other people snapping at your heels waiting for you to make a mistake so that they can put the knife in. And always with the back of your mind worry that if you lose your job you can't pay the mortgage.......

Lowfat · 26/11/2008 17:21

YANBU - but be careful what you wish for. When DH and I share a routine he always cocks it up - not on purpose - he just doesnt know how I like to do things.

for instance like getting DD completely ready for school except coat and shoes, before letting her have breakfast as she is a really slow eater and easily distracted. So once ready the rest of the time before we leave is hers.

I love having DH home in the AM's but he does just get in the way on a school morning.

Blondeshavemorefun · 26/11/2008 18:12

7.30 is a long lie

He should be up and spending a bit of time with them (and dressing or feeding them) before he leaves imo.

excalty what i think as well - its not as if OP hubby leaves the house at 6am

LoolaBoys · 26/11/2008 21:16

I read the OP thinking this is me. Almost anyway. DH has own business, works long hours 6 days a week.

I have two DC, one 5 at school and one 14m onths and I do everything in the morning. I occasionally nag DH to help. He doesn't see mt oget that I find the mornings stressful and a bit of help would make a difference.

seeker · 26/11/2008 21:27

Do you help dh with his business?

psychomum5 · 26/11/2008 21:37

I have similar issues with DH about the unbalance in the mornings.

I aksed DH once why he never helped unless I yelled for it....

he said that it seemed to him that I had such a good routine going he was loathe to interfear for fear of me stamping on his toes!!

I now ask him to do certain stuff, (well, tell would be more like it), and we gete on much better, and it is far easier too.

fluffles · 26/11/2008 21:45

I can't believe how many people on here have just referred to a WOH Dad spending time with his two daughters as a 'chore'!

The OP is talking about a father entertaining and perhaps feeding HIS baby, not doing dishes, scrubbing the floor, cleaning the bathroom!

[although OP YABU to expect him to be psychic]

ohdearwhatamess · 26/11/2008 21:46

Even if he doesn't help, I think it is a bit unreasonable of him to have a lie-in while you run around. I'd be inclined to encourage your dcs to go and say hello and bounce on him to wake him up (unless he makes up for it by letting you have a lie-in at the weekend).

My dh had to look after 9mo ds2 for a whole 3 hours this morning, and declared himself exhausted by the whole ordeal. He dashed out the moment I got home because he 'needed a break'.

Blondeshavemorefun · 26/11/2008 22:09

"Even if he doesn't help, I think it is a bit unreasonable of him to have a lie-in while you run around. I'd be inclined to encourage your dcs to go and say hello and bounce on him to wake him up (unless he makes up for it by letting you have a lie-in at the weekend)"

i like the sound of this

seeker · 26/11/2008 22:17

IMHO, the breadwinner wins bread - and does the fun bits-stories, bathtime...that sort of thing.

Non bread-winner makes it possible for the breadwinner to win bread by doing everything else so breadwinner can relax and get on with winning bread, secure in the knowledge that his partner, children and house will still be more or less in one piece when he gets home.

onthepier · 26/11/2008 22:56

I drop not-so-subtle hints in the morning, for instance I always make both my dc's breakfast + get the youngest dressed, (oldest can dress herself). School bags are packed the night before + lunches done.

There is however a stream of requests from my two in the mornings, "Can I have another drink, I can't find this, telly remote has stopped working, can you put new batteries in?!", + after about the 10th request I start counting loudly, "Shift 10, shift 11, don't mind me, I'll do shift 12 with my left foot!!" Eventually my dh will pitch in + help reluctantly, having been slurping coffee + reading the paper throughout most of it!!

I know how you feel, unless we say something men just assume we're coping, even though we're charging around like mad!

puffling · 26/11/2008 23:12

DP does nowt for us in the morning. He wouldn't even if asked. He says it's because he goes to work. He doesn't get up till 8!!
When I worked part time, he'd help a little if asked but expected me to tell him exactly how many minutes I required of him and exactly what I needed him to do in that time. It made it more trouble than it was worth to ask for help.

neverknowinglyunderdressed · 27/11/2008 17:18

I think the key here is to get up at the same time - then you wouldnt be resentful that he is sleeping when you have already been up for an hour. Im extremely attached to my sleeping but I also have twin boys (age 4) so i just kinda trained them to stay in their cots/rooms until a reasonable hour.

Might be stuff you can try to get baby to stay in bed longer than 5.45!
What worked for me was when they were younger i piled loads of toys/soft books (diff ones every day) into their cots after they went to sleep - then in the morning when they woke up they would play with then for a while quiet ish which would give me a bit longer in bed. Now they are older they have had bunny nite light/clock things since age 2. Dont know if youve seen them? It acts as a night light, then at a set time the bunny 'wakes up' and the child knows its time to get up. Sorta trained mine to stay in bed til 7.30 with this method. Then they go down stairs and swich on cbeebies in the playroom - without any involvement from me. I get up at 8am, DH thinks 8am is a lie in! I dont do 6am!!

skidaddle · 27/11/2008 17:30

YANBU at all. Why should YOU have to tell HIM what needs doing when you both live there, and you are both parents? He is not stupid - he knows that you are running aroud liek a headless chicken while he is sleeping - this is absolutely not fair. Yes he works but so do you. I would be very annoyed if my DH did this and my DH would be annoyed with me if I did it (we both work part-time).

wintersapproaching · 27/11/2008 17:37

I think YABU

Whether your DH knows you would like more help or not I see it as my role to get the kids up and dressed and ready, its the start of my day but later on when the kids have their nap or when they are happily playing at toddlers I sit and get my break then whereas DH will be in the thick of his job then.
If you have had an awful nights sleep then I think you should ask him to get up with the kids but otherwise I do see it as your job during the week

llareggub · 27/11/2008 17:45

This thing you have about not telling him what the problem is reminds me of being a child. I remember so many childhood arguments that went something along the lines of "well if you don't know what the problem is then there's no point telling you."

Just talk to him.

If I was left to lie in until 7.30 without protest I'm not sure I'd voluntarily get out of bed either.

traceybath · 27/11/2008 17:56

i agree with seeker.

My DH has own business stressful job etc and he does actually most morning make the boy's porridge and feed the youngest but i don't expect him to.

But then he's currently doing about 18 hours work a day and surviving on very little sleep.

Some days my life is hard as a SAHM with one 4 year old and one 11 month old - especially today actually but my life is still immeasurably easier than DH's.

Jux · 27/11/2008 18:08

When I was really really ill and I had to take pills 3 times a day, I couldn't pop them out of their blisters. I asked dh to do it for me. I thought he would realise that I needed him to do it every day....

Some men really don't see what's in front of their noses and don't engage brain much. You have to ask.

Horton · 27/11/2008 18:13

I'd probably ask him to get up fifteen minutes earlier so you can have your shower on your own. My DH also works long hours while I only work three very short days a week but he always gets up with us so he can read to DD while I have a few minutes alone in the bath. It really makes a difference to me to have those few minutes alone. Even if DD then comes in to see me, at least there's someone else there to tell her not to eat the soap etc.

mumeeee · 27/11/2008 22:14

YABU. If you want help then you should ask.

giantkatestacks · 27/11/2008 22:27

I dont think yabu and its kind of insulting to men to say that 'thats just what they're like' and that they dont engage their brains - thats rubbish, they get away with doing nothing because (some) women allow them to.

How is it that your dc's dont just run in and wake him up - is it because they're not interested? Why doesnt he want to do stuff with them in the mornings?

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