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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To want to just kick her in the head for this?

87 replies

Naive · 22/11/2008 20:22

MIL doesn't like me for no apparent reason.

Anyway, she smokes like a chimney and has asked my DP if she can have DS over night. He said she can't smoke in the bedroom and asked me and I said no because a)she co-sleeps which I am not having. B) she smokes so much that the house stinks, it's in every fibre. It's not ok for my son to be around that. So she gets SIL to ask me and I said not until she stops smoking. She has him in day time but I don't want him there getting all cot-deathed by her smoke at night.

Anyway, she's wearing a white dress to our small wedding of 16 people. Great.

DP and I said we wouldn't spoil the surprise so he wasn't to know anything. No colours, nothing. We made this into a big thing and told everyone not to tell him as it was a huge surprise. I told MIL this. When SIL came to get fitted for her bridesmaid dress I asked her not to tell ANYONE the colour and she said she wouldnt.

We went for the final fittings today. DP went to visit MIL and came home saying 'oh I absolutely love the colour --- for a bridesmaid dress'. Which happens to be the correct colour. He even said the shade!! This colour runs through the whole wedding. SIL wouldn't have been able to help herself telling MIL but why did MIL have to tell DP just to spite me? Why does she have to try and ruin every aspect of the wedding?

She told us to have it abroad, so we booked it abroad and then she said she wasn't going. DP was upset to eventually she said she was going but goes on about how she's doing us such a big favour by going. MY parents also wanted us to do it abroad and they're even paying for us and the actual wedding package which is over £2000. They're the one's we are really grateful to.

Why is she trying to ruin my wedding? I'm not a Bridezilla, but I'd like her to respect my wishes and have some respect for me, DP and DS. Is that so wrong?

OP posts:

Original poster

Naive · 23/11/2008 13:07

That's the weird thing. She's not a chav. She's not posh but she's classy in other ways. Then swears like a trooper but I think it's to really piss me off. I think maybe she wants to be perceived as rough and hard and fiesty IYSWIM.

DS won't be swearing, I just won't have it. DP said he's going to tell her that if she doesn't stop it, she'll not be seeing DS. She's really been such a let down to DP this last year.

OP posts:

pamelat · 23/11/2008 13:12

Unlike most responses, I think the colour thing is fairly important. I got married 18 months ago and a lot of effort when in to the colour coordination. I didn't keep it a secret from DH as he needed to know the bridesmaid colour to get a matching cravat. Its not the end of the world (of course ) but a bit nasty of her to let is slip, maybe intentionally?

The smoking would bother me. I wouldnt let me DD stay over night in a house that smelt of smoke. The swearing isn't ideal either. Could you be honest with her about that.

The breast feeding stuff is completely out of order. You should not feel that you have to give in to her about things that are important to you.

Stand your ground. You are the mother of DS and if she wants to see him a lot (which is all well and good) then she needs to be nice to you and do things your way.

claw3 · 23/11/2008 13:13

Could you not ask her to give the house a good airing and smoke outside while your child is there.

Sounds like your MIL wants to be involved, why not let her help with arrangements, delegate her some jobs that you wouldnt mind her doing?

PootyApplewater · 23/11/2008 13:15

I'm not going to comment on the wedding issue, except to say that your soon-to-be MIL is doing her best to wind you up, and you are letting her.

The smoking issue is one you will have to stand your ground on.
You've slightly weakened your argument by letting her look after your child in the day whilst she continues to smoke, so she probably can't see why overnight will be a problem.
I think you need to set some firm boundaries round this.
Maybe suggest that she looks after your DS at your house, to keep him out of the smoky atmosphere at hers?

You need to stand up to her now, before you get married, or she will ride roughshod over you.
Make sure your DP makes it clear to her that you and your child are his top priorities.
She does not get to make the decisions for your family, that is up to you and your DP.

wotulookinat · 23/11/2008 13:17

Your MIL would co-sleep with your son? I find that a little odd.

OrmIrian · 23/11/2008 13:18

DOn't kick in the head naive. But I do agree that she sounds like a bit of a bully. I also tend to go with the flow and do what others want me to - thankfully I don't have anyone that unreasonable to deal with,

wonderstuff · 23/11/2008 13:20

Sounds like DP is on message which is really important. Hopefully she'll get better as time goes on, my mil has got much easier ovr the last 10 years as we have gotten to know each other better. How long have you been with dp?
You seem to have a healthy attitude, pick your battles and try to not let her upset you, if you don't engage in her power battles she may get bored and give up.. Good luck

MadameOvary · 23/11/2008 13:28

I feel sorry for you, having this old boot making you miserable. And I am [shocked] at her attitudes and comments re BF.

You know, MN is great for learning coping strategies to deal with people like her. If she really is out to wind you up, dont rise, just smile serenely and pefect the art of the vague, inoffensive, non-committal comment/response.

Hm
Oh right
Really?
Is it?
Maybe

Ronaldinhio · 23/11/2008 13:37

i think that you are being unreasonable

She does not rule you so stop blaming her for things that you have a say over.

so what she told your dp about your wedding colour..it's hardly the end of the world
ditto her swearing around a baby.
Sounds like complete overreaction imho

if you don't want her smoking around your child don't leave him there for her to babysit at any time, your choice

the bf thing is mental but so are you for allowing her to say this to you or for you to be swayed by it in any way

claw3 · 23/11/2008 13:43

Wotulookinat - My 4 year old always wants to sleep with nanny if she has a 'sleep over', i dont find it at all strange, unless the OP's son is 18 of course!!

juicyjolly · 23/11/2008 13:59

Naive...This seems to be getting a bit nasty if you ask me.

Yes, there are things you dont like about her..but so bloody what! You can stop certain things...babysitting,etc...but for your dp to say he will stop his mother from seeing dg if she continues to swear seems harsh.
Has MIL always swore...even when her ds was a child?

Before you know it, the whole family is warring. It just doesn't seem worth it in my (humble) opinion.

wonderstuff · 23/11/2008 14:05

Really Ronaldinhio/Juicy you wouldn't have a problem with mil swearing at your children?? I would be well upset.

Original poster

Naive · 23/11/2008 14:11

Swearing around him is bad enough, constantly calling him little shit and saying 'well fuck you then' when he cries is not acceptable. She can't mind DS if she's going to teach him to swear.

OP posts:

claw3 · 23/11/2008 14:25

Naive - What do you say to her when she does this?, how do you react?

seeker · 23/11/2008 14:32

Hang on - your initial post was about her letting slip the colour of your bridesmaid's dresses and asking for sympathy about that - and now you're saying that she calls your ds "a little shit"

Of course you're being unreasonable about the dress colour. But if ANYBODY calls your child a "little shit" to his face (and if you actually heard this - you're not relying on what somebody else has told you) then you have a perfect right to say you are not going to allow that person to look after - or even spend time alone - with your child ever again.

mrsruffallo · 23/11/2008 14:36

Naive- do you pick her upon these things?
She should be in no doubt that you will not tolerate such language.

juicyjolly · 23/11/2008 14:36

naive...my response was to the post you gave.

To be honest, I would not be allowing her to call my dd a little shit etc. but that was not what you were angry about!

Ronaldinhio · 23/11/2008 14:38

tbh

i simply don't believe you that she calls him a little shit and says "well fuck you" when he cries.

I think that she told your dp about the colour of your bridesmaid dresses and you've gone off on one (btw this is so disinteresting to everyone at the wedding except you)

I don't believe for one moment you or your dp would allow her to behave in this way as responsible parents.

You asked if she was the most narcissistic person in the world...well no, but now you come to mention it......

i think that you are being unreasonable still and the importance of having a relationship with gps is far more important than petty squabbling

fancyliontamer · 23/11/2008 14:42

maybe she doesn't like you because you want to kick her in the head?

what a thing to say?

mrsruffallo · 23/11/2008 14:45

There are inconsistencies here- does she want to spend time with your son or doesn't she?
And why wouldn't you mind her having him in the day if she speaks to him like that?
What has honestly happened between the two of you?

Claire236 · 23/11/2008 14:56

What does your dp think of the way his mother is behaving? I think you both need to present a united front & tell her she won't see any of you if she doesn't stop smoking & swearing around your child. I've done things with ds that my mum doesn't approve of but generally she hasn't said anything. I did discover she'd been giving ds crisps which I didn't let him have once when ds recognised Quavers in Tescos one day. I asked her why she let him have them when she knew I didn't & she said she didn't think they'd do any harm but she didn't do it again.

Original poster

Naive · 23/11/2008 15:06

Why on earth wouldn't you believe what my MIL says to my DS? Thought we could DISCUSS things on here, didn't realise people got so caught up and touchy. I don't care if people agree with me or not. I'm stating what has happened.

I tell DP and he tells his mum. I never tell her to her face.

The way she treats my DS doesn't come under the title of 'petty squabbling' I'm afraid. I was annoyed at what she did about the colour. But I am annoyed at a lot of things she has done, like I've explained.

OP posts:

Ronaldinhio · 23/11/2008 15:09

why did you ask if you were being unreasonabe or reasonable then?

if you don't care....

Original poster

Naive · 23/11/2008 15:10

I think we'll just leave this thread at I don't think I'm being unreasonable, I think she is, some people think I'm unreasonable, some people don't. Not too impressed with being called a liar so I'm going to leave this now.

Thanks to all those who posted- even the comments I don't agree with.

OP posts:

Dragonfly74 · 23/11/2008 15:20

My mil is a very heavy smoker and swears like a trooper too..BUT.. my dc's don't go to her house she visits us here as its a no smoking house. And if she swears infront of them we ask her not to and over time she's getting better.

She has also done things in the past that have upset me and I used to feel like you do, but once I spoke to her and made my feelings clear she wasn't the unreasonable person that I thought she was. Don't get me wrong she can still be bloody annoying but i'm not perfect either. Its not easy but try and talk to her!! Good luck with the wedding.

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