To want to just kick her in the head for this?

[Naive]

MIL doesn't like me for no apparent reason.

Anyway, she smokes like a chimney and has asked my DP if she can have DS over night. He said she can't smoke in the bedroom and asked me and I said no because a)she co-sleeps which I am not having. B) she smokes so much that the house stinks, it's in every fibre. It's not ok for my son to be around that. So she gets SIL to ask me and I said not until she stops smoking. She has him in day time but I don't want him there getting all cot-deathed by her smoke at night.

Anyway, she's wearing a white dress to our small wedding of 16 people. Great.

DP and I said we wouldn't spoil the surprise so he wasn't to know anything. No colours, nothing. We made this into a big thing and told everyone not to tell him as it was a huge surprise. I told MIL this. When SIL came to get fitted for her bridesmaid dress I asked her not to tell ANYONE the colour and she said she wouldnt.

We went for the final fittings today. DP went to visit MIL and came home saying 'oh I absolutely love the colour --- for a bridesmaid dress'. Which happens to be the correct colour. He even said the shade!! This colour runs through the whole wedding. SIL wouldn't have been able to help herself telling MIL but why did MIL have to tell DP just to spite me? Why does she have to try and ruin every aspect of the wedding?

She told us to have it abroad, so we booked it abroad and then she said she wasn't going. DP was upset to eventually she said she was going but goes on about how she's doing us such a big favour by going. MY parents also wanted us to do it abroad and they're even paying for us and the actual wedding package which is over £2000. They're the one's we are really grateful to.

Why is she trying to ruin my wedding? I'm not a Bridezilla, but I'd like her to respect my wishes and have some respect for me, DP and DS. Is that so wrong?

do you like her?

Cor, is my MIl said that to me I would have merrily skipped out the gates and that be the end of that.

She sounds like a nightmare, but it also sounds like you are pandering to her, I personally wouldn't let mil dictate my feeding choice or date of christening. She sounds spoilt and childish.

You know the only way here us to start standing up for yourself and getting dp to back you.

Sounds like a horrible position to be in, the way things are for you.

at BFing. If half that is true then your MIL has serious issues and 'hates' you as she is the only woman allowed to be in your DP's life.

I think this too. I'm 24. I know I sound petty kicking off about wedding colours and things but you can see why it's the straw that broke the donkey's back. She's horrible to me.

I put DS on formula and he was intollerant and so she said 'oh you've just picked the wrong milk. I would have said earlier but you won't listen you just want to do everything your own way'. Imagine hearing that when you have PND!

I agreee - not at night - at least in the day he's moving around so not in such close proximity (though TBH I wouldnt let her have my child at all if she smoked).

Dont worry about being a bridezilla - I can see where you are coming from (although in a couple of years you may look back and wish you hadnt worried about it?!). A good job your DP likes the colour - so that's nice - it doesnt all have to be a secret does it??!!

Good luck - try not to let her get to you. Or just be passive agressive like I am and make remarks about her smoking - her dress will probably be yellowed by your wedding anyway!!!! hahahahahahaha

Being 24 is relivant because I put up with some right nonsense at that age and by the time I had my 3rd at 28 I was much more confident.
Not sure what to suggest other than as little contact as possible with her and then if she wants to have a relationship with her grandchild, she damn well better be nice to you.

The wedding thing is annoying, and she is being childish but tbh all you can do is rise above it knowing that she is being unreasonable. But you have to stick to you're guns about her having your son overnight and I would limit time spent during the day if she smokes inside as well tbh. You know best and you have to be advocate for your child. Good luck

Lol it will be if I throw a pan of custard at it.

The bridesmaid dresses are really cold traditional colours so I was hoping she'd pick hot pink and look like a numpty!

i know how you feel naive!!

try having a mil that when i said i was having no bridesmaids etc (got married at a hotel small ceremony) found out my colour scheme for tables etc went and brought sil 2b a bridesmaids dress the same colour and herself a suit that matched!!!!!!!!!

so on day i turn up to sil dressed as BM and MIL in matching colours!!

que the look of upset of other sil and best friend and DCousins!!!!

Oh my word. Yours has just beat mine. What did you say to her?

i didnt! kinda wish i had though!! i couldnt i thought what can i say?!?!? i just grinned and beared it!!

i went round all my Dcousins and other sils and BF and said im so sorry i didnt know!!!
luckly they all knew what she was like and knew i had said i wasnt having any BMs etc!!!

oohh the wedding is just a LLLOOONNNGGGG list of things dont even get me started on my DC's upbringings!!!

but in all fairness i think you should have a word with her and just say it upset you and in future would she mind maybe not butting her large head in your business in a nice way of course!!!!! it will only get worse!!!!!

Men don't care about the colour theme at their weddings so I would not worry about that issue.

Sounds like you're transferring all your resentment and irritation about her onto the wedding colour issue.

Please don't get hung up on wedding themes, honestly, nobody gives a monkey's fart about them apart from the bride. Everybody just nods and smiles enthusiastically about them becuase they're humouring you, but they seriously don't care.

The MIL sounds a nightmare, you need to pick your battles carefully with her and if you pick trivial battles, you'll be utterly exhausted. Save your energy for the big ones.

This sounds like a violent over-reaction.

Tbh you really need to put your foot down! I mean, she tells you to get married abroad and you do!! She tells you which day to get your child christened and then is pleased because you cant bf!!

The woman is a total nightmare and I think that until you stand up for yourself, things will always be this way for you.

She sounds like a bit of a nightmare, but try not to be indiscriminately irritated or angry with her.

Focus on the important stuff and put your foot down. If you kick off about too much, you'll just sound like you have a bee in your bonnet.

She sounds horrifying. I am with you on this.

However the more worked up you get, the more she will love the effect she is having. You need to cultivate total nonchalance and a look on your face of utter seriousness that says 'I do not have time for this crap, what are yout alking about you mad old bint?'

And prove to her ahd dp what a grown up person you are and that you are high above her in the petty stakes.

Do you know what I'm saying?

Btw yellow/black combo very avant garde

On the wedding thing - can I just clarify as I got a bit lost in the story...

Your DP didn't know the "colours" for the wedding (small wedding abroad), Your SIL knew, she told MIL, who told DP...

Were you keeping thje colours a secret as a big surprise for your DP...??

Trust me, she has ruined NOTHING. Unless you are marrying a very top interior designer, there is not a chance in bejabbers he would ever have noticed anything...!! Did you serious envisage that he'd walk into the wedding room and the thrilled/astounded/dlighted/in awe to discover "Oh fantastic - Periwinkle/Coral/Manderin/Twilight Shimmer - that has just made the day - the wedding would simply not have been the same without that delightful surprise..."

Pick your battles - the "secret" that was the wedding colours is not a battle to be fought...

It was a case of every last thing being a secret so that as we all walk down the isle we look spectacular not just oh yeah, I was guessing it would all be that colour.

It's really all platinum not yellow and black but I might change us all to bumble bees now just to spite MIL!

Extra upset today as DS cries when he's around her as he doesn't know her and she's too outgoing and crude and swears like a trooper at him and never makes an effort to comes and sees him but kicks off telling everyone that we don't take him to see her and she's pissed off that we're not taking his presents round to hers on xmas morning so he can open them there as she wants to see him open the presents but refuses to come to our house to see it even when I said I'd make bacon butties for everyone! Anyway, she's been telling people that DS never stops moaning and he takes after me when really he never stops smiling and laughing. Everyone says he's the happiest baby they've ever met, so they know it's because she marches in and says 'Oh give me MY grandson' and takes him from me, infront of all the family, and then when he cries she's says all these horrible things about him.

((hugs)) How old is ds? He sounds gorgeous. Of course he will cry if she just marches over and grabs him, my grandmother does this with dd, I say to her she's just woken up, give her five mins, and she sits there itching to grab her and after about 2mins she wisks her away from me! She tries to cuddle and rock her and dd just isn't a cuddly baby!
Try to let mil wash over you, you know she is unreasonable and ds is fab.
I would be livid though if anyone swore at my child. Can you say you would rather she didn't use bad language around the dcs?
Has she given reason why she won't go round your house? How far away is she. I would be tempted to stick to your guns and stay home at christmas, travelling around is a nightmare.

distance yourself from this woman. In a non - tantrum throwing way, without having to have the last word or convince her of the error of her ways, just do it. and chill about the wedding stuff. She does not take your power away, you choose to give it. (obv all easier said than done..)

She's about 20 minutes walk away- which would be 5-6 pound in a taxi on xmas day, I checked. I'm even going to offer to pay for it because I don't see why DS's 1st xmas should be all messed up because she's selfish, lazy and tight.

DP asked her not to swear at or around DS and she said 'No, other GC swears, what's the problem? He'll pick it up at nursery anyway'. He's 7 months old and just saying mama, dada, iya, etc. I know it'll soon be 'shit', 'little shit' 'bugger' 'F off' 'shut up' next.

In that case I would try to see her as little as possible and limit her contact with ds as much as you can. He won't be picking up swearing at nursery, he'll be teaching the other kids!
DP needs to tell her again, doesn't matter about the other gcs YOU don't want YOUR ds swearing. She sounds like a total chav.