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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To be really brassed off with another mum

51 replies

herewegoagain02 · 20/11/2008 18:18

My 12 year old daughter chose a friend to go out shopping with her for her birthday , I treated us all to a nice pasta meal while we were out and let them have space away from the boring old grown up (me) so as not to cramp their style whilst going round the shops, a great day was had by all. Right, my dd was invited out to various things for the same girls b-day which were then cancelled (no communication from other mum)this all coming thru the grape vine, in the end they went out for a few hours. My dd got home and said that the mum in question went off and left them with two other girls I dont know in town for 2 hours. I've never let dd go round town without an adult, I don't feel ready and I feel really hacked off that something I feel should have been my decision to make has been taken away and disrespected.

OP posts:

KatieScarlett2833 · 20/11/2008 18:21

My DD has been allowed to go shopping with her friends since she was 12. All her friends are too. Maybe the other mother didn't know this was an issue?

KatieScarlett2833 · 20/11/2008 18:21

My DD has been allowed to go shopping with her friends since she was 12. All her friends are too. Maybe the other mother didn't know this was an issue?

purpleduck · 20/11/2008 18:23

hmm, tough one
She probably did it in all innocence.
Its done, she was in a group, she was safe...
When were you going to let her go on her own?
Just wondering if it was imminent, or a very long way off...

psychomum5 · 20/11/2008 18:26

my DD's have also been shopping on their own since they were 12............and TBH, I actually would not think it an issue with other mums of children 12+ either.

I have always thought tho that once they are at secondary schooly, they need that extra responsibilty as they are needing to make their own way back from school and stay home-alone for half hour each day while I collect the younger ones from school, so shopping alone for a couple of hours while I was also in town (obviously not them going off alone on the bus), is, IMHO, acceptable.

they need to develop independence, so what better way than slowly like this. It sounds like (from your post), that they were not sent off alone on the bus to an unknown town, but taken and left to do their own thing while the mum was also in town.

nappyaddict · 20/11/2008 18:27

she probably didn't think it was an issue. i got the bus into town from age 12.

Ronaldinhio · 20/11/2008 18:28

yabu

how did you allow them space exactly?

Original poster

herewegoagain02 · 20/11/2008 18:29

We live in the stix,so dd isn't terribly street wise in that respect, maybe I'm over protective but I don't think one phone call to check if I was ok with this would be too much to ask.

OP posts:

Tiggiwinkle · 20/11/2008 18:31

I feel that 12 is old enough to go round the shops with others of the same age-and I am over-protective if anything...

psychomum5 · 20/11/2008 18:32

maybe tho, she asked your DD if you would be ok with it, and your DD said yes for fear of embarrassment of looking 'odd' (I don;t mean that she is odd, but that she might have felt she was) in front of her friends.

Ronaldinhio · 20/11/2008 18:33

I would never have considered phoning to ask you if it was ok for them to look around a few shop

YAstillBU

StewieGriffinsMom · 20/11/2008 18:33

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

piscesmoon · 20/11/2008 18:39

I expect the other mum didn't know that it was an issue.
They were only on their own for 2 hours, in the daytime in a town that they knew. I expect that the other mum was contactable and it seems as if she travelled home with them.
I think it is something 12 yr olds ought to be doing.

wannaBe · 20/11/2008 18:40

I think yabu. I would imagine most 12 year olds would be taking themselves to/from school at this age, so walking around town alone would just be an extention of that surely? It wouldn't even occur to me to ask if a 12 yo was allowed to be in town alone - and mine is only 6.

Trafficcone · 20/11/2008 18:41

I'd never have thought it was an issue or thought to ring you.. I had no idea people were that over protective tbh.

Merrylegs · 20/11/2008 18:47

Are you perhaps a bit put out because you did something nice for the other girl - bought her lunch and seemed to organize your day better, whereas the other mum seems to have left the kids to it with seemingly little or no effort?

wingandprayer · 20/11/2008 18:51

Did you phone the other girl's mum to ask if she was OK with what you were doing with her and your DD when you took them out for the day?

Original poster

herewegoagain02 · 20/11/2008 20:12

Actually Merrylegs, I think if I'm honest your right, I do feel a bit put out but it's obviously just me on mumsnet who feels like this over her leaving dd in town when I'd been given the impression they'd be together. And yes wingandprayer I saw her at school and told her what we'd be doing and what time we'd be home roughly.and she said thanks for letting her know.

OP posts:

KatieScarlett2833 · 20/11/2008 20:15

Your day sounded much better according to my DD. Top mummy points to you, don't feel put out!!!

janeite · 20/11/2008 20:18

I don't think you're being unreasonable - you are not alone! DD1 is 13 and has just started going to town with her friends. I think a year makes a big difference. We live in a big city though.

Lotster · 20/11/2008 20:45

YANBU - she probably should have checked.

Although I used to go in to town when I was 12 with friends, but I not sure if I'd let mine do it nowadays. Even then the mums would agree it.

LadyGlencoraPalliser · 21/11/2008 01:01

My DD1 is 11 and goes into town with her friends for two or three hours most Saturdays. They try on clothes in Topshop and New Look, test the make up in Boots and if they have enough pocket money they buy something small. None of the parents that I know have a problem with it. I think you are being over protective, quite frankly.

PootyApplewater · 21/11/2008 01:08

I would be happy for my DCs to be given the amount of freedom you describe at 12, but it is fine for you not to be, of course.

I think the 'grapevine' is the problem here.
It would have been better to have spoken to the other mother before the event, in order to make sure you knew her plans, rather than be left upset and angry afterwards.

seeker · 21/11/2008 01:23

Oh come on - of COURSE it's all right for 12 year olds to go round the shops by themselves! And why does it matter that there were two other girls you don't know? Presumably your dd is at school with hundreds of girls you don't know all the time!

Lotster · 21/11/2008 09:37

Yes, where she is kept safe by teachers

OrmIrian · 21/11/2008 09:41

IMO not a problem but she should have checked with you first.

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