Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be really brassed off with another mum

51 replies

herewegoagain02 · 20/11/2008 18:18

My 12 year old daughter chose a friend to go out shopping with her for her birthday , I treated us all to a nice pasta meal while we were out and let them have space away from the boring old grown up (me) so as not to cramp their style whilst going round the shops, a great day was had by all. Right, my dd was invited out to various things for the same girls b-day which were then cancelled (no communication from other mum)this all coming thru the grape vine, in the end they went out for a few hours. My dd got home and said that the mum in question went off and left them with two other girls I dont know in town for 2 hours. I've never let dd go round town without an adult, I don't feel ready and I feel really hacked off that something I feel should have been my decision to make has been taken away and disrespected.

OP posts:
claw3 · 21/11/2008 09:43

If you dont let your DD go out without an adult, you should have made this clear to the other mum.

seeker · 21/11/2008 11:28

Safe from what?

ForeverOptimistic · 21/11/2008 11:32

Most 12 year olds go into town on their own. She probably didn't ask because she assumed it was ok as it is the norm. YABU.

Threadworrm · 21/11/2008 11:32

From age 11 DS1 has been going round town with pals. To start with I or another parent would drive them in and pick them up, but by twelve he was more independent.

Agree with other posters that at twelve it is reasonable for the other mumm to have assumed that the kind of outing you have described would be no problem.

In her place I would have double-checked with you, so it is reasonable for you to feel a little bit miffed. But I certainly don't think the outing was unreasonable.

Lotster · 21/11/2008 14:06

No the outing wasn't that unreasonable, but being true to the original question, the OP can't really be told she is unreasonable for feeling a bit brassed off. They're her feelings, and if the OP would check with another parents before leaving their kids unattended, you might expect a bit or mutual respect. However, the warning signs from the other mum (i.e. total lack of comm's) in hindsight show that she probably didn't share the same values..

Seeker, I assume you're not joking and actually want me to spell out the dangers (not at school but in town). Perhaps where you live you can leave the back door open and know everyone by name etc, personally I live in a city and understand the OP's point.

12 year olds are kids and as such could be more vulnerable when out and about than when they have an adult with them. Obviously this could be affected by how streetwise they are, and depend on the sort of area they live in - but they might be offered drugs, drink, sex, get dared in to shoplifting, anything really. Not to mention the increasing amounts of knife crimes on the streets.

Not saying I'm lying awake at night panicing over these things but just illustrating that there are reasons that some parents wouldn't allow their kids out alone. Should be obvious really.

piscesmoon · 21/11/2008 15:57

Unless a 12 year old is deliberately hanging around looking for trouble I would say that they are perfectly safe around city centre shops. The chances of anyone offering them drugs, drink or sex at 2'oclock on a Saturday in Debenhams is negligible!
If you think they will seek danger, or shop lift, the moment they are away from your supervision then you have a lot of work to do with your DC so that they can manage on their own.

wannaBe · 21/11/2008 16:03

anyone who thinks that children are safe from being offered drugs in school is very naive.

Drugs are rife in secondary schools, I would be far more concerned that they would be offered them at school than in a city centre tbh.

seeker · 21/11/2008 16:14

So what age do you let them go and buy their own picnmix or try on t shirts in New Look? 18? Or would it be safer to leave it til 21?

cory · 21/11/2008 16:31

I live in a city and apart from my own disabled dd I don't know a single secondary school child who is not expected to make their own way to school, either on foot or by public transport.

I would still have double-checked, but would have been surprised if the Mum had said no.

piscesmoon · 21/11/2008 16:32

You should be aiming to give a lot of independence over the next few years; in less than 4 yrs they can work in New Look!

Mumi · 21/11/2008 18:41

I lived in the sticks and was travelling by bus with only 1 other friend to the next town to spend the whole day shopping from the age of 11.

I do unfortunately think YABU and cutting it fine before letting your DD learn how to be independent enough to be unaccompanied to either college or work in the not so distant future.

LadyGlencoraPalliser · 21/11/2008 19:24

21 much too young, Seeker. Maybe they should only be allowed to shop on the internet?

seeker · 21/11/2008 19:26

Not the Internet!!!! Don't you realize the dangers that lurk on the INTERNET!!!!!!!

LadyGlencoraPalliser · 21/11/2008 19:30

Wot, like they might accidentally stumble across Mumsnet, you mean?
And only reemerge into the daylight 20 years later? Yes, I take your point.

chipsandtart · 21/11/2008 19:46

gosh how times have changed, when i was 12 i was allowed to go from portsmouth to southampton on the train with my friend and then we moved and i was allowed to go from barnet to brent cross on the bus (about an hour away) and that was when we didnt have mobiles.
my mum is the most overprotective person ever the sort that still tells me not to talk to strangers watch when im crossing the road etc.
im 23 now btw

mumof2andabit · 21/11/2008 19:46

Well I read the poost and thought well I was 10 when I went into town 'by myself' so perhaps YABabitU and then I said to dh how we would feel when dd is old enough (calling every five minutes, biting my nails etc dd is 8mo lol) and he said yes 12 is acceptable but OP should have been consulted/asked first. 12 is still quite young and honestly the dangers that can be fall children when they are on their own no matter how small a chance are horrendous. You only have to look at news from the last 10 years to realise that.

I think its finding a balance between giving a child freedom but also protecting against the worst - because it does happen.

mumof2andabit · 21/11/2008 19:47

The poost LMAO

pushkar · 21/11/2008 19:50

i think the mum should have asked yr permission if that was ok first........

seeker · 21/11/2008 21:38

A 12 year old is at no danger at all in a shopping centre for a couple of hours in daylight on a Saturday afternoon. No matter how closely you scan the last 10 years worth of news, you will not find any case of harm coming to a child under those circumstances.

Lotster · 22/11/2008 16:13

found this in about 3 seconds

piscesmoon · 22/11/2008 16:34

Lotster you need to give your 12 yr old a few strategies, not make her a prisoner through your fear. Make sure that she yells for help -in a busy shopping centre the man would disappear fairly quickly.In the case of OP she wasn't on her own. Make sure your DC knows to stay around the main shops and avoids underpasses.

piscesmoon · 22/11/2008 16:37

Your example also happened 5 yrs ago which shows it is uncommon.

Lotster · 22/11/2008 16:48

{grin] yes, I'm well aware. It was only a sily response to the even sillier claim above.

Please don't worry about me, I am not a prisoner to my fear And don't plan to make my daughter one either

On a serious note though, it does slightly piss me off when lots of mums pile on another making her feel stupid for having her own natural fears for her daughter. Making wild claims about there being absolutely no danger out there, ever, especially not in shopping centres (?) is as daft as being overprotective to the extreme IMO...

piscesmoon · 22/11/2008 17:02

There is risk in everything-you have to weigh it up.
It is far more important for a 12 yr old to have some independence IMO. It was daylight, at a weekend, busy and with others-the risk is slight.
A 16 yr old is sailing around the world single-handedly at the moment! (I am sure his mother let him go into WH Smiths on his own at 2pm on a Saturday when he was 12yrs old!)

I wouldn't want my 16yr old to do it but I am sure it is a wonderful experience!!

seeker · 23/11/2008 09:38

Of course we all have natural fears - it's acting on them that's the problem! I would ideally have my daughter delivered to and brought home from school every day in a bullet proof limousine and never let her out of the door at any other time. I want to protect every hair on her head, and the thought of anybody saying a cross word to her, never mind anything worse makes me quiver with fear and anger. But she goes on the bus and train, she goes out with her friends, she goes to her friends houses, she goes swimming, sailing, trampolining, riding.

On Friday she missed her usual bus, lost her purse and bus pass and her phone battery was flat so she had to make her way home by explaining and giving her name and address to the bus driver and the train ticket office. She was half an hour late home and I was beside myself. But I was SOOOO proud of her for being able to deal with a difficult situation so competently. If she hadn't had any practice at being independent she wouldn't have known how to manage.

Swipe left for the next trending thread