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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

to refuse to shag my stoned DH?

68 replies

sotellme · 20/11/2008 16:45

Namechanged, for obvious reasons.

My usually lovely DH can be somewhat depressive, and the onset of winter generally sets off a fairly major bout. He traditionally deals with depression by getting mildly stoned (cannabis) and staying that way pretty much day and night until he feels better. He is never what I would call out of it, just a bit mood altered.

I have a really weird set of reactions to him when he does this. On one hand, I appreciate the fact that it makes him feel better, and this does have a knock on effect to the rest of us (he's pretty damn moody when depressed). I don't have a problem with the illegality of the drug.

On the other hand, I absolutely and utterly cannot stand the smell of it, it grosses me out, plus gives me (psychosomatically?) a headache. And I can always smell it on him, even though he smokes at the bottom of the garden. On top of that, I grew up with an alcoholic mother, and find the fact of him being "altered" all the time really difficult.

Usually we get through it okay, I ignore it and after a few weeks or so he gives up and we go back to normal.

However before he started this time we'd been trying to get our sex lives back on track, ie more regular than a couple of times a month. He wants to carry on down this path, as it was all going pretty well. In fact he's probably hornier than usual now he's started smoking again. I however just don't want to shag him, he stinks of dope but also he's somehow not quite my much loved DH.

AIBU?

OP posts:
twoluvlykids · 20/11/2008 16:46

yanbu

no more comment from me - too close to home

Tortington · 20/11/2008 16:47

what a crock of shit, if he has SAD he goes to doctor and thats that.

i hate weed. hate it.

why isn't he working?

TheGrillerPedant · 20/11/2008 16:48

can you not just tell him all this?

What you are saying sounds perfectly reasonable

hf128219 · 20/11/2008 16:48

It usually has the opposite effect on men.

moondog · 20/11/2008 16:48

Smokes day and night??
Eh?
How deos he pay for it?
Stoners are well tedious.

Ronaldinhio · 20/11/2008 16:50

yanbu

don't fancy him don't fuck him

mrsmaidamess · 20/11/2008 16:50

I'm sorry but I don't know how you can tolerate your husband indulging in a habit which has so many negative consequences.

Does he know how you feel??

sotellme · 20/11/2008 16:50

He is working, very hard and doing well. He's self employed in a creative industry where drugs are not really frowned upon.

He's been to the doctors any number of times, they give him anti-ds and he says they don't work well for him and they get in the way of his work.

OP posts:
sotellme · 20/11/2008 16:51

Oh god yes he knows how I feel.

I've spelt it out repeatedly.

OP posts:
moondog · 20/11/2008 16:51

If he smokes 'day and night' it obviously isn't doing its job which presumable is to alllow him to functiona normally.

tiedsville · 20/11/2008 16:53

Of course your not.
In my younger days, I had dated someone who smoked cannabis daily. Looking back,he was a complete dreamer and spoke a lot of shit (also stating he had no addition going on, yeah right)
No offence, but I don't know how you put up with it. I know I couldn't.

Miyazaki · 20/11/2008 16:53

No, course not.

very much agree with Ronaldinhio.

dittany · 20/11/2008 16:54

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Message withdrawn at poster's request.

WifeandMotherof4 · 20/11/2008 16:56

Tell him how you feel and see if he can have a couple of nights off, the more sex you have the more you want..... perhaps that will perk him up more than weed anyway.

sotellme · 20/11/2008 16:56

Thats just it MrsM - for him its like it doesn't have negative consequences, apart from me not liking it which really should be a pretty big one actually. As far as he is concerned, it helps his depression, enhances his creativity and is fun to do.

DH's dad (also a creative type) was a pretty big stoner himself while DH was growing up, I think that has a big influence on how he feels about it.

OP posts:
LazyLinePainterJane · 20/11/2008 17:01

Maybe you have to be blunt.

say

I don't care about the drug itself

I want our sex life back on track

I won't have sex with someone out of it who stinks.

Your choice mate.

sotellme · 20/11/2008 17:03

God at least he's only like this for a few weeks every year! Don't think I could live with him if it were a permanent state.

Have tried that WifeandMother - will remind him when I see him.

Thanks all, was starting to feel that AIBU to object to something that he feels fine about. But I'm not, and will hold out..

OP posts:
sotellme · 20/11/2008 17:04

LLPJ - I'm going to say that exactly! Very nicely put.

OP posts:
ThePregnantHedgeWitch · 20/11/2008 17:16

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SexOnFire · 20/11/2008 17:19

Ok, I'll probably get flamed for this but could he make cakes? No smoke smell, he's more chilled out and you might feel like jumping into bed with him.

sotellme · 20/11/2008 17:26

SexOnFire - well this is the real heart of it isn't it.

On one hand, I know I should be pleased that he feels better.

On the other I don't like my DH being in an altered state all the time, regardless of the smell.

The question is, if he was on a prescribed medication that altered him, would I feel the same way?

I think I probably would but I can't be sure..

So am I being selfish here?

OP posts:
ThePregnantHedgeWitch · 20/11/2008 17:29

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ThePregnantHedgeWitch · 20/11/2008 17:31

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nooka · 20/11/2008 17:35

I think SexOnFire has made a good suggestion. The only other idea would be to consider what might make you similarly relaxed so you weren't bothered about the smell/slightly different persona. My dh smokes, which I hate hate hate, but I can get past the disgusting smell all over his body if I try, and I have to otherwise we would be in a sorry state as he does not yet appear able to give up. Is it the smoke smell in his clothes or on his body that puts you off? Would a smoking jacket help (ie something he takes off after smoking). Could you ask him to shower before getting ready for bed (assuming that's when you have sex).

I don't think self medicating with a small amount of dope for a few weeks a year is particularly terrible.

ruty · 20/11/2008 17:35

Prozac induces an altered state too, as do many other anti-ds. Depression is an altered state in itself really, brain chemistry and all that. if it works for him i would try to tolerate it, but sex a difficult one. I would be worried about long term use of hash tho - paranoia, etc.

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