to refuse to shag my stoned DH?

[sotellme]

Namechanged, for obvious reasons.

My usually lovely DH can be somewhat depressive, and the onset of winter generally sets off a fairly major bout. He traditionally deals with depression by getting mildly stoned (cannabis) and staying that way pretty much day and night until he feels better. He is never what I would call out of it, just a bit mood altered.

I have a really weird set of reactions to him when he does this. On one hand, I appreciate the fact that it makes him feel better, and this does have a knock on effect to the rest of us (he's pretty damn moody when depressed). I don't have a problem with the illegality of the drug.

On the other hand, I absolutely and utterly cannot stand the smell of it, it grosses me out, plus gives me (psychosomatically?) a headache. And I can always smell it on him, even though he smokes at the bottom of the garden. On top of that, I grew up with an alcoholic mother, and find the fact of him being "altered" all the time really difficult.

Usually we get through it okay, I ignore it and after a few weeks or so he gives up and we go back to normal.

However before he started this time we'd been trying to get our sex lives back on track, ie more regular than a couple of times a month. He wants to carry on down this path, as it was all going pretty well. In fact he's probably hornier than usual now he's started smoking again. I however just don't want to shag him, he stinks of dope but also he's somehow not quite my much loved DH.

AIBU?

cannabis is far from a 'harmless drug'

I can't agree more with ThePregnantHedgeWitch, personally I'd rather my dh smoked the odd splif than drank alcohol.

Op, am I being dense here or could he not just have a shower before going to bed?

Sotellme has written that her husband traditionally deals with depression by getting mildly stoned.

By the use of the word "traditionally" I take it that he has been trying this method for a number of years. Clearly its not working for him as the problems remain and he keeps having to reuse. His behaviour also is having a wider affect on both his wife and children.

Has he actually considered why he is depressed in the first place?. He needs to look into that and treating the root causes of his depressive state. I am not just suggesting the use of ADs in that regard. The solution is clearly not an annual use of cannabis which just dulls the senses, saps motivation and turns a person into a crushing bore. He's self medicating with his mental health here and that is extremely serious indeed. Cannabis is far more powerful these days than it was even 5 or 10 years ago.

I don't think cannabis and mental health problems are a very good mix

is probably better than alcohol but not as good as fresh air and exercise

"yes is can but so can other ads"

i find this an odd comparison. to compare it to somethng equally as bad to validate it.

i used to be all fine and hippy about it - as will be the trend on this thread i am sure. I can guarentee you if you goback in the archives it will be me saying that weed is fine and bettwe than alchohol etc.

then i realised that for a non addictive drug, so many people seem tobe addicted to it.

my SIL has just given up the weed after 20 years. she smoked it when she was pregnant.

sure she didn't have to go to betty ford and be in lockdown - does that mean she wasn't addicted?

my son has left jobs, has no 'umph' no determination to do anything. he doesn't live here anymore.

and you wathch your son, go from a bright amiable young lad with a future as bright as he can make it

into a pleb head jellyfish amoebe, with glass eyes watching the world in slow motion.

and if seeing the people that you love - lose their 'light' their inner light - your child...thingk about THAT. your kid sits there like a fucking vegetable. no spark, no life...if thats not enough
what about the come down the day after.

oh what now?
yes the come down, you know the day after, the wake up and the modd swings and the anger as real feeling set back in ang the world isn't dulled.

becuase you can't dull the world , you have to face it and deal with it.

so please do not patronise me with its not a dangerous drug - i don't know anyone who does "the occasional spliff"

they smoke weed regularly - weekends - like the op - just in winter - occasional use , bullshit.

i had a severely disabled cousin who was in much pain and he was given cannabis. and for these kinds of medical uses - sure why not.

watch the light of your life muffled by this insidious drug that is considered largely by society to be fine

Prozac is not addictive. Very few people experience any difficulties coming off the drug once their depression has lifted.

am still not understanding why you validate with cannabis might be bad - but there are worse things

its a poor argument i'm afraid

Prozac has some very serious problems. Someone ein my family has been on it recently. It is personality altering and given out far too freely.

would your dh consider cognitive therapy? a recent study showed it to be more effective than ADs.

It doesn't have to be a straight choice between weed and anti-depressants, surely?

I should think there are lots of things you could try, like light therapy, fish oil, seratone, a (good) broad-spectrum vitamin and mineral supplement specifically designed for men, plenty of excercise. Play games and reconnect. He can't argue that any of these things will affect his creativity, so no excuses not to try them.

btw, yanbu to not fancy him. Stoners are only interesting if you're stoned. Though you could try getting mildly stoned too. You might feel differently.

there are studies, increasing evidence, to suggest cannabis can cause and worsen depression, in fact his use of it is probably a symptom of depression? the two do go together v often but is it causal or self-medicating

its link with psychosis is pretty well known

there are loads of ways to deal with depression without risking car accidents, relationship problems, unwanted celibacy etc

CBT, increased exposure to sunlight, peer support, medication, supportive social contact, exercise, taking up new hobby are all tried and tested ways of improving mood. of course it is v difficult to motivate self to do these things when mood is very low but there is help available via GP, community mental health teams, self help groups

doesn't have to be marijuana or prozac

I know one person for whom using cannabis was a very very bad idea. But he smoked skunk, and he used a lot. Really a lot. My dh and I (and many people I know both socially and at work) enjoy a spliff or bong every now and then, in the same way as we enjoy a bottle of good wine, or a glass of port. They all function completely normally once the effects of the puff wear off. Of course you can get side effects, but no more than from drinking a little too much (headache in the morning, that sort of thing). If we purchased supplies at the same time as our friend the same amount that would last us a month he would go through in a day. He had a breakdown, hit a policeman and was sectioned, with a diagnosis of bipolar disorder. Turns out he had problems in the past, and had used a lot of skunk at university (young men seem to be very vulnerable to skunk triggering psychotic disorders from current research).

I think that cannabis should be considered in the same way as alcohol. Potentially dangerous, can become addictive (but mostly through habit forming rather than chemical), but in small amounts not an issue (but no drink driving etc). If it was legalised then the issues about strength, suppliers etc would become irrelevant.

Anyway whether or not the OP's dh could use alternatives, if he finds that seasonal use of marijuana works for him I am not sure why he would be looking to try anything else?

sotellme did your dh try the medical route first for his depression? I don't think it is something that the NHS does very well with/holistically.

Well said, Custardo.
I too have had too much experience with this drug. I felt too lazy to type all the details, because I have had this conversation too many times in RL.
I also agree with the comment about using cannabis for pain relief.
I just leave the pro cannabis posts to it, they are only kidding themselves.

I never used to have a problem with cannibis ..but have seen at least 2 young lads fuck up their lives big time with skunk ..not good

I've got no problem with people who want to smoke weed, but I wouldn't and couldn't be with a weed smoker (they're so fucking dull...and I used to smoke, so I know!)...and I certainly wouldn't be shagging any smoker on a regular basis. Urgh. YANBU.