to refuse to shag my stoned DH?

[sotellme]

Namechanged, for obvious reasons.

My usually lovely DH can be somewhat depressive, and the onset of winter generally sets off a fairly major bout. He traditionally deals with depression by getting mildly stoned (cannabis) and staying that way pretty much day and night until he feels better. He is never what I would call out of it, just a bit mood altered.

I have a really weird set of reactions to him when he does this. On one hand, I appreciate the fact that it makes him feel better, and this does have a knock on effect to the rest of us (he's pretty damn moody when depressed). I don't have a problem with the illegality of the drug.

On the other hand, I absolutely and utterly cannot stand the smell of it, it grosses me out, plus gives me (psychosomatically?) a headache. And I can always smell it on him, even though he smokes at the bottom of the garden. On top of that, I grew up with an alcoholic mother, and find the fact of him being "altered" all the time really difficult.

Usually we get through it okay, I ignore it and after a few weeks or so he gives up and we go back to normal.

However before he started this time we'd been trying to get our sex lives back on track, ie more regular than a couple of times a month. He wants to carry on down this path, as it was all going pretty well. In fact he's probably hornier than usual now he's started smoking again. I however just don't want to shag him, he stinks of dope but also he's somehow not quite my much loved DH.

AIBU?

yes eating it a good idea. and if only a few weeks a year ot that bad.

Exactly HW.

This where I really think the problem lies with me.

One on hand I absolutely don't want him to be depressed, its rotten.

On the other, because of growing up with an alkie mum, its almost like I'm allergic to people being chemically altered. I go kind've passive agressively furious, but don't say anything, just hide away.

I'm having a similarish reaction to my father who is on meds which have a personality altering effect.

Oh god, I am both BU and NBU at the same time aren't I.

I'm NBU to object to the smell, but BU to object to meds (legal or otherwise) that help when my reasons are so utterly unconnected to the present circumstances.

does it really cause his personality to alter though?

How altered is he?

If you could not smell it would you know he was stoned?

Good points.

SEastra - yes though not massively. He just gets a bit relaxed and silly.

And distant, though a lot of that is because he falls asleep on the sofa instead of coming to bed, partly because he's too relaxed to move, partly because he knows I don't like the way he smells!

I think you have to decide how much of a fuss you want to make. And whether you making a fuss will make any difference anyway. On the one hand he feels really low at this time of year and he has found pot helps. It's not a permanent habit, so he isn't addicted. It doesn't cause any problems at work, and presumably finances are not a problem (you haven't said this is an issue). So the only negatives are the smell, and the mood change.

Re the mood change you need to consider whether it is better to have him slightly out of it, moody, or with whatever potential side effects Anti-Ds might give him.

Re the smell you should think what might reduce this. It my be worth talking to him about this one. Perhaps the end of the garden is not the best for wind reasons (does the smoke swing around him for example, could he keep at a different angle maybe, or go in the shed, or go for a walk afterwards to reduce that just smoked smell hit on you.

I think you need to find a compromise here.

artichokes - god yes I would know.

The change in sense of humour is the give away.

Out goes any attempt at sophisticated humour, in come schoolboy bum jokes.

No you are not being unreasonable.

Cannabis will in all likelihood make his underlying depressive problems far worse. There surely must be better ways of dealing with his depressive state rather than just getting stoned. He is playing with his own mental health here particularly if he has used this for many years.

Do you think he is physically dependent on it, what's the longest period of time he has not used cannabis?.

It is having a detrimental effect on your family unit (you state that yourself) and your children are witnessing all this as well. It will not do them any favours, what are you both teaching them here?.

It sounds like you're enabling him and are acting as his enabler (many people in such situations end up as enablers); the problem also lies with your own self too as well as him. You also grew up with an alcoholic mother which in itself is very damaging. You need to stop enabling him as enabling helps no-one, you need to show him that there are consequences for his actions.

You cannot act as his saviour and or rescuer much as you'd like to. You can only seek help for your own self. He needs to be shown by you that there are consequences for his actions.

My mother used to smoke one joint each evening when I was growing-up. She was a single parent and it got her through the boredom of nights alone (she never drank).

When I was young I never noticed any change in her, but as I got older it really bothered me - not the illegality, but the personality change. She talked too much when stoned and paused alot between sentances, even thinking about it now irritates me. Pot has got stronger over the years and I think being stoned is more serious now then it used to be (although I would still favour an evening with a stoner than a drunk).

Sorry, that is waffle, but I do know how you feel and YANBU.

Nooka - you're right probably making a fuss will make no difference!

I'm going to continue to ignore the smoking. He's already careful to not reek of it around the DC, so he is trying.

On the otherhand I'm just not going to have sex with him while he's smoking, because I simply don't want to. But I will make it very clear that its the smoking thats the problem, and as soon as he stops I will be more than happy to jump into bed with him.

And I will do my best to support him in healthier ways to combat his depression!

Thanks all..

Nutritional support - b vitamins, essential fatty acids, oats, st.john's wort...
and maybe one of those light bulb thingy's?

He's not really fixing the problem is he?

Sorry Attilla but I don't think that the OP needs, can, or should try and act as her dh's mother (show him the consequences). My dh smokes. I hate it, but I am not "enabling it" what exactly would that entail in any case? It is his habit and he is the only one who can do anything about it. Just because we are partners does not mean I am responsible for his actions. I have made it very clear I am very unhappy with what he is doing, that I would love for hm to stop, that he is killing himself and that it is very bad for the children to see, but beyond that there isn't actually anything I can do. Of course if he was doing something terrible that hurt others it would be different, but I can't see that this chap is doing anything awful by spending a few weeks in the year self medicating. Also what exactly are you advocating that the OP does about her husband's habit?

Smoking puff can actually trigger depression. He's not doing himself any favours.

Any addiction where someone cannot stop, when a family, or work suffers is negative.

It is, OP's sex life is suffering through the stench

this is a crock of shit. He is a bloody drug addict and putting his need for cannabis and 'being out of it' above anything, everything and anyone else

he a bloody ADULT WITH RESPONSIBILITIES

sorry very very close to home.

kick him into touch if he dosn't sort this shit out

cannabis is a harmless drug

The OP says that her dh "is never out of it", and that he does it for a few weeks in the year when he would otherwise be depressed. She says that it does not have a negative impact on his work, but even helps it. He has tried the medical route with ADs and found them unhelpful. He has been doing this for a while now (traditionally at this time of year) and stops each time. I would be concerned if the usage went up, or the length of time increased, but I really don't think this is an addict, but a case of self medication (which many people do). I do know someone who had a psychotic episode triggered by overuse of pot, so I know there are dangers, but many people use it without any particular problem (indeed the active compounds are on trial for a number of medical uses).

The issues are that it makes sotellne anxious because of her experience with her mother, she doesn't like the smell, and the silliness is irritating.

My dh smokes, and is also inclined to silliness. I sympathise! If it was only for a few weeks a year I would be very happy though

I think this is a situation where a bit of discussion and possible compromise might help. "kicking into touch" the OP's "much loved" dh seems a little extreme.

Nooka,

I agree with you re her Mother; the op may feel this is happening all over again. However, showing him the consequences of his behaviour is not mothering him; its actually stopping the enabling.

What's sotellme's role in all this?. I'm not so much interested in him but her instead; its his choice to smoke cannabis but many partners to the person using any addictive substance end up as enablers. Her family unit is being affected by his actions. Surely there is a better way; it can certainly make people far less motivated.

LST's experience may be "extreme" for some to stomach but cannabis usage can certainly cause serious problems within some families. That cannot be denied. I won't even discuss where the money spent could end up.

The OP should seek support for her own self (there's plenty of info online)and also learn more about enabling behaviours. She can't save him nor should she try to.