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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To have sent out Christening invites that are ^me^ inviting people and not exH and me????

55 replies

guyFAwkesreQuiem · 20/11/2008 12:59

Because I've just been verbally attacked by DS2's Godmother over the fact that exH wasn't included on the invite - because "it's a family thing for DS3".

She made me feel like I was deliberately "excluding" him and not acknowledging him as their dad "because they need a father".

ExH and I are now very amicable and there's never been any question of me organising the Christening who was invited/when it was/godparents etc etc. He's going to be there, and when the parents and godparents stand up to say the vows is going to do so too (but at the opposite end of the Godparents to me - again something we agreed on without any real debate over it) But now I feel like total shit.

So should the invite have been "G & N" invite you - or just "G" invites you???

OP posts:
irises · 20/11/2008 13:02

Is he the father? In which case, yes, tbh, I think he should be named on the invites.

NorkyButNice · 20/11/2008 13:02

Oooh tricky.

Bearing in mind that I'm not separated/divorced and therefore may answer differently...I think that YABU (maybe).

ExH is his father, and as such I would have put him on the invite (sorry!)

flowerybeanbag · 20/11/2008 13:03

Well I would have said do it from both of you tbh. Yes fine you are organising it all, but you are both the parents, and both saying the vows, which is the important bit.

nickytwotimes · 20/11/2008 13:03

I'd have expected both names tbh.
Sorry!
However, you shouldn't have been given a hard time about it.

Original poster
guyFAwkesreQuiem · 20/11/2008 13:04

yes he's the father - and sees them regularly (currently every fortnight for the weekend) but I am the one that has organised this Christening right down to finding an organist and choosing the hymns.

We agreed before he moved out that I could sort it all out.

OP posts:
ComeOVeneer · 20/11/2008 13:04

I have to say I agree with irises, as he is the father and a christening is a family affair, I too would be surprised not to see the father's name on the invite (same as for a weding invitation if it was being done the traditional way.)

ComeOVeneer · 20/11/2008 13:05

But I also agree it was a bit off her having a go at you about it.

nickytwotimes · 20/11/2008 13:05

Even though he has done sod all, I'd still expect both names.

irises · 20/11/2008 13:05

Chances are, even if you'd still been together, you would have been the one sorting everything out (unless you had that elusive beast, the Unusually Involved Father), and if you were still together, of course it would have had both names on.

flowerybeanbag · 20/11/2008 13:06

If I'd received an invite to a christening where both parents would be there taking part in the ceremony and were involved in the child's life but the invite only came from one of them I'd be very surprised and would wonder about it, and would think it was a shame.

Aimsmum · 20/11/2008 13:08

Message withdrawn

Original poster
guyFAwkesreQuiem · 20/11/2008 13:08

He wasn't even bothered about getting him Christened - hence me doing it

Can't believe I've fucked it up - knew I'd do something wrong with it

OP posts:
coppertop · 20/11/2008 13:08

I think that if you've arranged the christening then it's just you who is doing the inviting so YANBU.

I don't think it's a case of not acknowledging exH as their dad. If you have split up you won't want to spend the next 16+ years adding exH's name to every invitation to family events.

NCbirdy · 20/11/2008 13:09

Definitly Chrisiting is about family and Exh is part of your family too! (Even if slightly more removed than before!)

Aimsmum · 20/11/2008 13:09

Message withdrawn

Original poster
guyFAwkesreQuiem · 20/11/2008 13:10

well yes Aimsmum - I think my family and his family (who I also sent invites to) would have found it odd if it was from both us.

If we'd been together still he would almost certainly had chosen the hymns with me and would have helped decide what type of celebration we would be having after the service.

However it would seem the general consensus is that I should have sent the invites from both of us

OP posts:
irises · 20/11/2008 13:10

If the invites have already gone out, don't beat yourself up about it.

NorkyButNice · 20/11/2008 13:10

The christening is different to other family events though - putting him on wouldn't mean you'd have to have him on every invite till your child is 18

What's done is done though, assuming the invites have gone out, so no point worrying about it!

If your ExH isn't bothered by it then who cares what other people think.

nickytwotimes · 20/11/2008 13:10

You haven't fucked it up! I think I would put both personally but it's no biggie.

Noone will really care.

They'll just think "Oh, sod it, another bloody gift I have to buy."

NCbirdy · 20/11/2008 13:10

Sorry, I x posted with you.

Don't worry, we are just answering your question.

If your question had been "Is it worth being upset about" then the answer IMO would be no! It is done and, ok not perfect, but not bad enough to lose sleep over! Organising is stressful enough without adding guilt to the mix!

BalloonSlayer · 20/11/2008 13:11

Um I would say that if it is a ceremony followed by a gathering/reception as most Christenings are, then the same rules as weddings should apply: the person hosting it is the person who invites people.

If you are paying for it all and it is in your church and your house then why should the invitation not be from just you.

I don't know any of your background FAQ, but suppose your ex now had a new partner? They would go ballistic if the invitation was from the pair of you. (So in that instance, yeah, do it )

Original poster
guyFAwkesreQuiem · 20/11/2008 13:12

Yes the invites have gone out, and I'd kept one to keep in his box of cards/present etc he gets for it - and now it's going to be a constant reminder

OP posts:
BalloonSlayer · 20/11/2008 13:15

Oh just make sure you get a picture taken with all of you and clip it to the invitation in the box. Then when you talk to him about the invitation you can say in the next breath, here we all are, there's Mummy, there's Daddy, look.

NCbirdy · 20/11/2008 13:17

brilliant idea ballonslayer!

Seriously, life is too short! Your cild won't think about it when it comes to a memory box anyway! It is just you keeping it in your head!

LooptheLoop · 20/11/2008 13:17

Just to add my tuppence - I would have found it weird if you had put both your names on the invite in the circumstances. I guess it's back to that old saying, you can't please all the people all of the time.

So I don't think you did anything wrong, let alone f*cked it up.

From reading your previous posts, I have nothing but admiration for how you are handling things.