to find the number of people who hate their MILs rather depressing (yes I have a DS, how did you guess)

[ExtraFancy]

My little boy's only 15mo at the moment but the more time I spend on MN, the more depressed I get at the thought of any potential daughter-in-law hating me!

Obv most of the people on here who complain about their MILs have very good reason to do so - there are some horror stories out there, and I sympathise. But I also see a lot of "he's MY family now, she needs to get over it and keep her nose out" type comments, which always make me cringe a bit.

I can't help thinking that if a man said such a thing to his wife's mother, all hell would break loose and he would be accused of being toxic, controlling etc etc.

So - is it really different for mothers of boys? Can you really have a good relationship with a DIL without her secretly thinking you're a sad interfering old witch who just wants to get her claws on the grandkids?

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YANBU - I think both sets of grandparents should have the chance to see plenty of their grandchildren and people should not be so unkind to MILs.

Obviously some MILs can be difficult but an effort should be made to get on with them for the sake of the grandchildren.

I have not had a FIL as he died before I met DH and my MIL is elderly. I feel envious of people who have MIL and PILs who are in their 60s and young enough to take an active interest in their grandchildren, have them to stay etc..

However, I do see why some people get wound up by MILs. Some mothers worship their sons and find that no daughter in law is good enough...I would hate to feel looked down on in this way.

My ds1 is 19 so i might well be a MIL some day soon,

i am planning on being an eccentric MIL, i am going to wear clothes that dont match, and purple leg warmers, and tie my hair up in multiple colourful scrunchies

I am going to walk around mutteriing under my breath and sniggering everytime dil is near by

I am going to develope a phobia of driving and public transport on shopping days, so ds and his wife will have to take me shopping, i will embarrass them in supermarkets by picking up pg tests and shouting 'do we need one of these yet for you dear' to dil

I am quite looking forward to it

My dil will be a MNer who rants about me constantly

Hmmm mine is horrible at times but she doesn't show any sort of love and affection to DH or the DGC's so I think he's glad he found me and has his family now.
I think you have got to tread carefully with DS's girlfriends and wives and endear yourself to them, that's what i would do.

blunt, if the baby comment was with regards to what I said, it was my baby (who is 7 months old) that MiL introduced as her baby.

Also, yes some mothers can be controlling and possessive, as can some wives.

I agree with you ExtraFancy - it is depressing - and I'm one of those who have dreadful mother-in-law problems, so much so that dh and I have had to put a distance between us and dh's family She doesn't have a problem with me specifically it's with all of us and the rest of the world too! It just sometimes feels as though she is picking me out!

However, I don't feel guilty about it as I have tried very hard for 14 yrs to make the relationship work. I'm just sad for my dh. Ironically, it's me who actually prompts him to phone or go and visit now.

I won't go in to the problems here but suffice to say whatever we do is NEVER enough.

We're polite to one another, we see one another once or twice a year, we try and keep the relationship respectful and I try my best to focus on her good points. I'm no by means perfect either.

Before I met dh, I went out with a guy whose parents I absolutely adored. I went out with him for too long really just because I loved being part of his family and I adored his mother!! So I'm sure it IS possible to be a good mother-in-law and I'm sure you will be because you are so sensitive to the issue!

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But he is, to them, I'm sure my MiL still views DP as her baby, because he is, he was an always will be, saying he's 'my baby' is different to saying he's 'a baby'.

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Yet another agreer with Kewcumber - it's a case of "happiness writes white" - that is to say, people want (& need) to vent about problems, but where there aren't problems there isn't much urge to do postings.

Bit similar to how MN can seem full of troubled marriages - which was so nicely offset in the last couple of days by the "text your partner" experiment

Personal view on MIL relationships - it can have a lot to do with individuals' courtesy level too: natural (or deliberate) politeness. My MIL and I are very cordial with each other, but lots of that is that we both are (try to be) mature & polite just in general. Both of us have quite a sense of lines not to be crossed.

(This was demonstrated in a lovely way once when I was talking about trying to persuade ds not to be too brutally honest about things - that dissembling a bit is a perfectly OK skill to have. MIL said "Oh I AGREE! I'm a completely horrible person, but I've learnt how to keep that hidden!" (Obviously thereby proving she isn't at all horrible, naturally.))

there is that old rhyme:
Your son's your son 'til he takes a wife
your daughter's your daughter for all of your life

This does seem to hold true in a lot of MIL/DIL relationships BUT it shouldn't need to.

My Dad and his MIL (my nan) had a fantastic relationship - almost to the point where my mum was jealous! Certainly when my nan died, I think my Dad was if possible more upset than my mum was.

My MIL is a lovely woman who is desperate to be a great MIL - I hope I can be a great DIL to her as well.

I actually love my MIL but really couldn't live with her (I know, I've tried, for 9 years). She specialised in undermining our discipline, but realised after we spent a year away in Canada that the children were far better behaved without all the mixed messages. So she refrains from overruling us now, and finds them much easier. I do think that people don't necessarily cut their in laws enough slack. The whole founding a new family thing is about melding two families together to create something new. Unless your in-laws are truly psychotic, of course they should have some input into your family life.

i am so jealous to see how some people get on so well with their MIL. i obviously dont, she is not nasty but she is very controlling and uses emotional blackmail with my DH.
we dont agree in how to bring up my DD and it makes me angry as she is MY responsability and i always try to do my best.
i have learnt quite a lot and know how NOT to behave and how not to interfer in anybodys life...

My MIL is great.

The first time we met, she stood behind FIL (so he couldn't see her) and waggled her fingers over her eyes in imitation of his enormous fluffy eyebrows. While I was trying to have a serious 'I'm your son's very nice new girlfriend' conversation with him.

She's not someone I'd ever have met without DH, and I value her for herself - we don't see eye to eye, we don't have the same beliefs or background, but she's lovely.

similar to 'my baby' comment ...

sorry as I know this is meant to be a positive thread BUT

mil when visiting dh and me for the first time after we were married stepped over the threshold with fil saying "I'm so glad to be in our house at long last" (they have a house and a flat of their own in another country)

at this stage I was very naieve and said "yes and you are always welcome" ... little did I know what was to come and what that comment signified ...

I reckon if you don't interfere, only offer help when asked and be a positive energy, you can't really go wrong.

I think it's MILs who think the world revolves around them and their needs that are the problem.

I have a wonderful mil. She always helps out and is wonderful to the lo.
My sisters all have nightmare mil so it makes me realise how lucky I am (as do all the mil threads on here.

My MIL has a lot of good points but is very controlling, but I know that part of the reason she bugs me is because I have an independent streak.

I'm afraid to say I come from the 'we are a family now' school, I don't want to exclude MIL but want her to understand that now we have DD her son won't always be going to her at Xmas or for randomn DIY/family problems at the drop of the hat.

She has made a couple of tactless comments and done some insensitive things since the birth which has served to reinforce the bonds between DP and I. Having said that compared to some stories you hear she really isn't that bad so I know on the whole I got lucky.

I get on great with my MIL and in some ways am closer to her than my own mum. That said I am much more relaxed with my mum looking after DS and am less sensitive to her helpful but well meant parenting advice. Probably because I'm immune to her after all these years but also I get a lot of my values and ideas from how she brought me up so we don't disagree on the big things. My son is more comfortable with her too although she sees him less - her mannerisms and voice are very much like mine so that calms him. My MIL still scares me sometimes with some of the things she comes out with . I am a lot more tolerant of both mums since my son was born and I'm trying hard to remember what they do that winds me up so i don't do it with my DIL!

YABU. You are lucky to have a nice one - rare! I don't hate mine but she does drive me potty - but that is because she can be a right old bag.

What a wise and wonderful woman you are Shoshe I wish you were my MIL. I am determined to be a good MIL when my DS is older because I would never want my future DIL to hate me like I hate my MIL

{Blush]

I was taught bey the wisest woman I ever knew, my own mother, the mother of 4 sons and 1 daughter, who brought her sons up able to look after themselves, to respect their partners, and that all things are equal.

One of those sons is also married in a Civil Registration, how more equal can you get than that

Plus she brought her daughter up to believe that she could do anything, if she put her mind to it and worked hard enough.

Mom dies 17 years ago, I still miss her everyday.

Use the comments on here about bad MILs as a step by step guide on how not to be hated by your DIL so that in the future your DIL will love you. That's what I'm doing- with MN and my own MIL.

my inlaws are fab...well, sadly mil is only a shell of her former self due to having late stage alzheimers...but I was very lucky....they took to me straightawway, which helps...
I have 3 sons....and also find the mil hating depressing at times....but am trying to convince myself that at least 1 future dil hopefully will like me, lol

I have 2 ds's and when I'm a MIL I will know not to blather on and on about fashion when my DIL can't afford clothes and will definately not suggest she has a child adopted if its born disabled so she can have a 'proper' baby.