to find the number of people who hate their MILs rather depressing (yes I have a DS, how did you guess)

[ExtraFancy]

My little boy's only 15mo at the moment but the more time I spend on MN, the more depressed I get at the thought of any potential daughter-in-law hating me!

Obv most of the people on here who complain about their MILs have very good reason to do so - there are some horror stories out there, and I sympathise. But I also see a lot of "he's MY family now, she needs to get over it and keep her nose out" type comments, which always make me cringe a bit.

I can't help thinking that if a man said such a thing to his wife's mother, all hell would break loose and he would be accused of being toxic, controlling etc etc.

So - is it really different for mothers of boys? Can you really have a good relationship with a DIL without her secretly thinking you're a sad interfering old witch who just wants to get her claws on the grandkids?

Ah - a topic close to my heart. DS1 is 21, has a long term GF. She's lovely - good company, good for DS1 etc. But I seldom ever see DS1 now without the GF in tow and there is a tiny, unreasonable part of me that wants to spend some time on my own with him - he may be 21 and over 6 foot but he's never not going to be my little boy. You don't lose that protective instinct just because your child has grown up - nothing really changes.

I am effectively a MIL now, and I will be a nice, supportive one, but I have a lot more sympathy for my own MIL since I became one myself.

I think often a lot of the issue is that when we marry someone their family aren't necessarily the kinds of people we would choose to have a relationship with if we weren't married to their son iyswim and vice versa.

I don't really have any issues with my mil - she doesn't interfere in our lives at all but I know that she would be there for us if we needed her to be. She often rings me for computer advice! and we end up chatting for ages and far longer than she and dh chat on the phone. I went to stay with them in the summer hols while dh had to work - I wouldn't have felt comfortable doing that if we didn't get on.

Fil on the other hand I have had issues with in the past, we had an argument a few years back and he didn't speak to me for two years, even when they came to stay at our house but he seems to have snapped out of it now and although I suspect he doesn't think much of me he doesn't make his opinion known so we all get on fine. My ds has a fabulous relationship with them - far better than he has with my mum even though my parents live just a couple of miles away and ILs live 2.5 hours away.

SIL on the other hand hates me (although she's never said it directly but I'm well aware) and I'm not really sure why. We don't see them hardly ever though so it doesn't have a huge impact on our lives.

my MIL is lovely, sometimes i think she feels a bit left out as my DH is an only child so our DC are her only GC, and i am very close to my mum, and i get the odd comment about the kids, such as not giving them dummies, breastfeeding and co-sleeping. but she is great and will take my DD on a weekend to give me a break if my DH is working so i can catch up with the housework etc.
i let the odd comment go over my head it's not worth upsetting the applecart, my FIL is very quiet with me and i don't see that much of him even though i've been with my DH 10 years. plus we had an arguement on my wedding day over something he did and things haven't been the same since.

Ugh, yes, the 'he's my family now' bit is totally cringey, you're right! People who say that are surely a bit ignorant. That's just possession.

True love sets you free!!

I don't have a MIL, I wish had got the chance to meet her but she passed away when DH was 19. DH tells me we are very similar and is certain we would have got on famously. I'm sure he is right, she produced an amazing son, she must have been a pretty incredible woman.

my MIL is broadly speaking a bit of a treasure. she adores DD and is patient and kind with her, and babysits when she can. she has never criticised our parenting bought me tickets to see Elbow as an early Christmas present .

she does sometimes completely disregard what we say about DD not being allow to eat cake until she's sick, and buys her far too much plastic crap, but that's all quite small fry really.

BUT I think the real difference in my relationship with MIL is that on the odd occasion she does something that I'm not happy with, I have a chat about it with DH, and ninety-nine times out of a hundred, he raises it with her. He sees it as his job to ensure that we get on, and he does it bloody well.

Like Puzzle, I don't have a MIL and am sad about this for us all but especially for my dh and our wee ones.

Sometimes it's justified, you know. It's not always the DIL's fault when there are ishoos with MILs.

Bear in mind that for some people, MN is the only place they have to vent about their MILs. So you get a disproportionately large amount of posts about nightmare MILs compared to the amount of posts about lovely ones. There's not the same need to post about a lovely one.

Puzzle, I am sorry to hear that.

I do sometimes think the fact that my own parents died many years ago means my relationship with MIL is easier, as there's no competition over who sees DD more often/who comes for xmas and all of that trivial rubbish that causes disproportionate offence.

I am a MIL, with a only child, it was just us for many years as I divorced his father for DV, when he was only 2, I divorced a second time after only a few years when he was 12, I also lost two other children shortly after birth.

So by all accounts I should be a nightmare MIL, who never wants to let he baby go, that nobody would be good enough for him.

NOPE, my DDIL is brilliant, and you know something, SHE IS HIS FAMILY NOW.

I handed him over to her (actually in a letter) the day they got married.

In return I got a DDIL who I love and respect, and the feeling is mutual.

Bring your sons up to cherish there wives, and they will forevermore cherish you.

That's interesting Perkin as I have thought that my mother (no disrespect to her) would probably be competitive if DH'S mother were alive. Not in a deliberately negative way.

ExtraFancy, VictorianSqualor did a fab explanation of what makes her relationship with her MIL good here on on Tue 17-Jun-08 09:57:37.

And my PIL are great too

Shoshe, sorry to hear of your loss. That was a lovely post. Your DIL is very lucky.

I had to say that I think this thread is wonderful. It's so nice to hear that so many people have good relationships with their MILs. Shoshe - you are clearly an amazing mum and MIL and they are both lucky to have you.

This topic is something that worries me, too. Unfortunately, I really hate my MIL, but I try very hard for the sake of my husband and now my DS. I say this, not to worry the OP, but to explain why I also worry,too. My DS isn't even 6 months old yet, but the thought of me causing him and his future wife the amount of grief, sadness and anger that my MIL has caused us makes me feel physically sick.

I can only hope that I remember this feeling and that this helps me to develop a good relationship with my son as he becomes an adult (it feels strange saying that when he isn't even a child yet - just a wee little baby!!) and creates his own family.

I most certainly did

I actually said

I think my MiL is great.
She made my DP the person he is today so she obviously did something right.
If she loves him as much as I love my DC's then who am I to complain if she gets protective? (which she doesn't thankfully).

I've said before a good MiL IMO is like a god waitress, never in the way, but always there when you need them.

The same can be said for a good DiL, I will never get involved in DP's relationship with his mum in a bad way, in fact I'm the one that makes sure birthdays/fathers days/mothers day/xmas etc is thought out well, I'm the one who makes sure we go over for at least an hour or two every week, I'm the one that sometimes tells DP something really unimportant he needs to ring his mum about because I know she likes to have a chat with him.

I do think though, they say that a man will choose a wife like his mother, if his mother is likely to be considerate of his wife, then the reverse will be the same.

Also, how can I possibly complain about someone who dotes on her PFBGC even more than I do?? Or will always say yes to babysitting?? That did my ironing when I was in hospital having a CS?? That took a lot of her holiday entitlement off work to pick up my DD (not even her GD, as it's DP's dsd) from school??

Yep, she's great, but I am a fabaroony DiL too.

Oh also, a point custy always makes is the whole alpha female bullshit.
It's often ego so let it go.

I was at the hospital with MiL visiting her mother on sunday. Her uncle came in and met my youngest ds for the first time. MiL introduced him gushingly as 'this is my baby' whilst grinning from ear to ear. I laughed and said 'ha! who's baby?'

Time and time again I've seen threads where that kind of comment would be met with a stony stare and a fuming thread about how MiL was a dragon etc.

Why? Ego and possession. No-one owns another human being, man, woman or child.

I have a wonderful MIL as well. She is 82 and lives 2 hours drive away so we don't get to see her that much, but I do speak to her most days.
She is has also very good friends with my mother now, they have been on 3 holidays together this year alone.
Only problem with this is if they don't approve of something we have done (not very often thankfully) they gang up together and we get it from both sides.

I never met my FIL, which is sad as he sounded a real character.

My mother died when I was a teenage and since I became a mum both my stepmother and MIL have been amazingly kind and supportive. I had PND and my MIL who lives near us has been brilliant - cooking us meals, babysitting and just regularly telling me I'm doing a fab job. There's been the odd comment that's annoyed me but in the grand scheme of things it doesn't matter.

Reading some of the comments on here I do realise how lucky I am.

I have a generally good relationship with my MIL (we both have our moments ) but I do have a very different relationship with my mum (tho' she has been known for a moment or two herself). The longer it goes on the more I do appreciate that my boys will have wives who will always want their own mum over me as their MIL and not having a daughter to maintain that type of relationship does make me sometimes (that, and never being the mother of the bride!).

I think the whole "'he's my family now'" thing stems from when some DH's put their mother's wishes before theirs.

That's why I have made comments such as that, it's nothing to do with ignorance, it's to do with how much influence MIL has over DH and how that can be detrimental to my relationship with DH.

My MIL is really annoying, interferring and judgemental - but she is still DH's mum and I respect that.

I think you just have decide for yourself how you want relationships to be. MY DS is nearly 2 and I have already planned to give a warm welcome to any GF he has and try not to be over bearing. I see the way my MIL behaves as teaching me how not to do it.

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My mil is super - a wonderful person who when she visits has a great time with her grandkids. I think the key is too not interfer

I think my MIL is ok, I certainly don't hate her. After 5 years with dh I have still never said much more to her beyond the normal social niceties (how are your parents? How are your sisters? {tumbleweed}). I don't really know why, she doesn't seem to really talk much which is odd as she has raised 4 very exuberant and confident individuals.

My dh is every inch the stereotypical latin male who loves his Mama and I am hoping this model of how to behave towards your mum as an adult rubs off on ds