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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To stay at OUR home this Christmas and not travel!

25 replies

dottiepeas · 17/11/2008 17:16

Do you think its rude to not see family on the Christmas Day?

Before getting married, we used to go back to our own parents for xmas, which in hindsight was pretty easy and straightforward.

Now we are married with a 2 yr old, things seem to have gotten more complicated. My MIL has already decided there should be a "taking turns" thing, where I go to hers one yr, and then my parents the other. Both our sets of parents live far (ish) away, so THIS year we would prefer to stay in our home for xmas and not have to do all the travelling.

But!...this would mean mine or his parents spendig xmas day on their own! Which maybe is alittle mean!? I know xmas should all be about family etc...which means we probably will not ever be able to stay at OUR home for future xmases ever!!! :-S

Maybe we shouldn't be so selfish...and think of our parents wishes instead!?

Any suggestions or anyone else in the same situation with tips would be much appreciated!

OP posts:

piratecat · 17/11/2008 17:19

i would say that for this year, your decisionis to have an at home xmas . Thats your 'this year' decision. I don't thik it's fair for anyone so set it in stone, as things change, and as your dc gets older you may want to make more of the day and spend it with the gps.

thats my exp anyhow. so many things change along the way, but a quiet day for you this year is what you want. it's not selfish.

queribus · 17/11/2008 19:14

Xmas is about families - but you have your own family now! There is absolutely NOTHING unreasonable in spending Xmas Day in your own home with your DP and child. You should not be made to be feel guilty about this decision - and should anyone try to make you feel guilty, ignore them. There is something very special about spending Xmas with your own little family unit

Can you see your parents betwen Xmas and New Year? How about Boxing Day or New Year's Day?

Can you tell I've been through this before ?

Good luck!

pointydog · 17/11/2008 19:25

how far away do the gps live?

I would rather not rush about travelling at Chrsitmas but we do because

The dds really like visint g relatives and don't want us to be on our own all day
gps' houses are bigger than ours so it does seem a little silly and impractical to ask them here

glaskhamhasoneintheoven · 17/11/2008 19:35

We were in the same kind of situation last year... DH's parents rarely give a toss, but on xmas they think its their right to see the DC's... and my paprents also wanted us to go to them as i'd never had a xmas day that wasn't there.... anyway last year we had our own home (even though we'd been here the xmas before too but had only lived here a couple of weeks that 1st year), had both our DC's able to eat xmas dinner and enjoy opeing the presents. We decided not to do the travelling 1hr to PIL's just to sit there for an hour and have another hr's drive back, and visited them between xmas and new year instead, and told my parents we were staying at home and if they wanted they were all welcome at ours either before or after lunch to see the DC's give and recieve presents etc.

Neither were happy, and this year my mum said 'are you going to be sensible and come for xmas lunch here this year' i said no we'll be doing the same as last year... DH likes to be able to chill out and enjoy a little drink while watching the DC's open all their presents... and he couldn't do that when travelling all day!!

Do what you feel best with- i do believe that xmas day is for family, but your DH and your DC are your family too- and i say put them first- xmas day as a young kid is so special and i'm sure your DS wouldn't find a day in the car much fun!!

Smithagain · 17/11/2008 19:36

We are staying at home this year, just the four of us with no grandparents. We just said that we really needed a quiet year because stuff is busy at work etc.

We do it about one year in four, with no set pattern, so no expectations are raised. Both sets of parents have been fine about it, although mine will probably decide to descend at some other point during the December/January period.

It feels sooooooo good to know that we can do things just the way we like it this year - which will include eating what we fancy on Christmas day and doing the roast another day, so I don't spend all day cooking. Result!

Scifinerd · 17/11/2008 19:46

YANBU but I know what an emotional quagmire Christmas is. i take it it is out of the question for them to come to you?

CupcakeQueen · 17/11/2008 19:46

I've just had a similar dilemma as you Dottie. Last year was nightmare, we visited 3 houses on chrismas day and totally disrupted DD routine. I was so annoyed.

Anyway, this year we've ended up inviting my mum to join us - she's no problem and really helpful around the place so we love her company anyway.

We felt we had to invite the rest of the family over at some point so we're doing a lunch on Christmas EVe for the rest of them and they all seem, or at least are saying, that they're happy with that.

My dad is having a hard time of it as he's just split up with his wife so I was thinking that I should invite him too but he's already arranged to spend Christmas with his sister and their family and then he comes to us on Boxing Day. Hopefully (fingers crossed) it will all work out for you. xx

Hulababy · 17/11/2008 19:46

We always spend Christmas Day just the three of us. DH and I started that right fromt he first year we lived together. We love it. It is the one day in the year that is just for us as a family. We do chat with family on the phone, and we see them Christmas Eve and Boxing Day - but for us it is special for us to be home together.

TheCrackFox · 17/11/2008 19:50

Does your MIL expect you never to have a Xmas in your home with all this "take turn" system she has devised?

Stay at home this year and start worrying about Xmas 2009 another day.

I am with Hulababy and always have Christmas at home, just the 4 of us.

ChippyMinton · 17/11/2008 20:32

Xmas at home here too - no way would I drag my DC around the country when it's supposedly "a time for the children". We extend an open invitation to anyone who wants to join us for lunch though. I don't mind how many i cook for as long as I am at home.

Could you invite both sets of parents?

GrapeJelly · 17/11/2008 20:33

You should be able to stay in your own home at least one Xmas out of three. You'll have to have triplets then no one will want you to visit and you can stay at home every Xmas!!

mumof2andabit · 17/11/2008 20:39

We are a stay at home family. See half of my family on christmas eve, the other half and dh's family on boxing day and everyone is happy - well perhaps not my mum and grandparents but dh and I are so we are not stressing out and can enjoy our kids opening their presents properly.

lizziemun · 17/11/2008 20:59

We have Christmas day at home or go to my mums in the afternoon (mum lives around the corner) and boxing day at MIL's.

Mum normally does christmas day lunch.

I think sometimes our parents forget christmas is realy about children.

I mainly do this because i can remember many childhood christmas spending all day going from nan & grandad and grandads. So it was like open presents then out for the rest of the day, then home to bed. I refuse to do this to my children.

Wallaroo · 17/11/2008 21:06

We have only just moved back to the UK and really want to spend Xmas in our own house as the 4 of us usually spends Xmas flying home and then travelling round trying to keep everyone happy. We've done this for 3 years now with 2 small children. i am pregnant with no3 and really want to stay in our new house.

We've opened the invitation to anyone who would like to join us on Xmas day but my mum is giving me a hard time. My Nan has dementia and my mum will not leave her on Xmas day and they feel she is too confused to travel to ours (about 2 hours away). I am really disappointed as my children are their only grandchildren. My mum can play the martyr sometimes though.....am I being a bit harsh? Should we pack the children up and visit them instead?

mumeeee · 17/11/2008 22:01

YANBU. We hardly ever visit family on Christmas day. Christmas day is just for our family.

TheButterflyEffect · 17/11/2008 22:11

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

bb99 · 17/11/2008 22:14

No no no - at last I have conviced DH not to go to his parents house (BIG smile - they do treat us well, but there's no place like home, specially as it has meant missing a lot of xmasas with my parents...) and now we have another DC he has at last relented - thank goodness.

It does mean we'll have both sets of parents for most of xmas, but we will be able to wake up AND go to sleep in our own home.

Invite them all over if you can, they could always stay in a b and b and they don't HAVE to accept the invitation if (like me) you have an over anxious SIL...

alicet · 17/11/2008 22:41

YANBU - I echo everyone else that your dh and dc's are your family now!

We have had the last few Christmas's here and are going to mum and da's this year mainly as my sis is over from New Zealand where she lives. Dh isn't bothered about going to his parents and they seem happy with either coming here or seeing us sometime over the festive period.

Good luck. I think it is worth establishing NOW that you are not going to get into any set patterns of what you will / won't do and that you are going to arrange each Christmas depending on what is important to you that year I mean how can you possibly know what you want to do any year other than this one? Aim to see all important (to you ) relatives over festive period but make doubly sure that what you and your immeidate family want is a strong priority

LuckySalem · 17/11/2008 22:45

Nope - Me and DP always go to everyone else's house for xmas. This year with DD here we're staying at home and we've told people they are welcome to come to ours but we aint going no-where!!

They should understand!

Twinklemegan · 17/11/2008 22:48

I think it reaches a point where you yourself do the hosting of Christmas. When we were children the grandparents always came to us, or our uncle's. Would you consider having your parents and/or PILs to yours for Christmas?

This is a contentious topic in our family at the moment because I have offered this several times over the years and there have always been reasons why they couldn't come. Now this year my parents have decided to spend Christmas with my DB and gf in their new flat 100's of miles away - without even consulting us! So we're on our own for Christmas, just us and DS.

sunnygirl1412 · 17/11/2008 22:51

Transporting a family christmas when you have children can be a nightmare - we did it once with our three sons, and we had to buy a roof-box for the car so that the luggage and presents and all of us would fit in the car.

You've every right to have the christmas that you want - as others have said, it's a family time, so you should prioritise your own family.

Could you perhaps arrange to see your families on Boxing Day instead?

Hope it goes well
sunnygirl.

Boobalina · 18/11/2008 12:23

My mum always said that when you are married with kids, you need to start your own christmases with your own traditions... I'm a firm believer that kids should wake up in their own beds on Christmas day. Just like we did?

DaphneMoon · 18/11/2008 12:57

Anyway, at least if you stay at home you can eat as many quality street as you like, instead of longingly looking at the tin hoping someone will ask you if you want another!

Agree with Boob, you need to start your own traditions, perhaps this year is as good a year as any to start this.

CatIsSleepy · 18/11/2008 13:03

go for it I say!
oh I am so hoping for xmas at home with dh, dd and bump this year. am quite excited at the prospect-would be our first at home with dd with presents under our own tree etc.
Am not 100% sure we are going to get away with it though...and will have to make the trek from London to Anglesey and back just before xmas to see the ILs if we are to stand any chance of managing it...then there's my mother who is insisting she wants to stay at home on her own despite my sister having invited her to stay with them...dh seems to think we'll end up at my mum's house instead...

oh it's a blooming minefield I tell you
I'll do it if you do it- just got to be strong-minded

helenhismadwife · 18/11/2008 15:40

I would say do what is best for you and your family having last year spent a hellish christmas travelling from our home in sw france to kendal to see in laws who we stayed with for a few days, before we had to move out with our two dd's on christmas day as sil was travelling down and she had to stay with them, I would not do it again. This year I am taking my 3 dd's to mum no idea what ex hubby is doing!!!

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