to have told my SAHM friend she shouldn't moan about her DH not helping round the house

[wonderwoman73]

In a nutshell, she doesn't work, he works a 50 - 60 hour week plus 2 hours commuting a day and she's just been bending my ear about how he doesn't help round the house. Given he works really hard so she doesn't have to I think she should accept that she has to do most or all of the chores (oh, and they have a cleaner too).

I am a SAHM and my DH is a chef. He works crazy hours and leaves the house at 9.00am and returns home at midnight, 5 days a week.

I do not have a cleaner or family nearby to help. [sigh emoticon]

I do the majority of the housework, but he is capable on his days off of loading the dishwasher and making dinner etc. He is a grown up after all.

I am his wife, not his mother.

I think that 'being a parent' has to be shared. But that doesn't neccessarily mean doing chores. I think it's a bit unfair that some SAHPs see their job as bringing up the DCs and the shared bit of which the non-SAHP has to do his/her share is the the crappy chores.

What Lequeen said

I found being sahm the easiest option, and am so thankfull I didn't need to work out of the home, it was a doddle

Even with 4 under 5, I only needed to do 30-60 mins housework a day (and that included picking up his dirty socks) ExH did nothing around the house but he did muck in with the children (bathtime/bedtime and sunday mornings)

NBU at all

i think you are being harsh and probably unreasonable. My husband works very long hours and is often away. i make sure that he helps around the house for these reasons..
at the weekend it is also my weekend and so we should share the housework.
if he was on his own with no family he would have to wash, clean etc..all by himself
He is the childrens father and needs to show it..
He is not just working for me and my daughter but for himself also..
My job is a stay at home mum so if i was to make a contract for this job it would state that my job would be to cook, clean, wash , entertain etc the children. NOT TO INCLUDE to cook, clean, (wash LOL!!) the husband/partner. I am not a Stay At Home Wife!!!
Enjoy your arguments....

Oh, the poor man. Unless she is at home with newborn quads, he shouldn't really have to do any chores on a working day if he's working those sort of hours. He should do some at the weekend, because it's not healthy to let them forget how housework is done.

But God, give him a break!

by the time my DH gets home I am more than happy to hand over DD and do chores instead, its easier!

My DH loves cooking too.

I am making chocolate mousse this evening but its probably the first time I have made any food for about 2 months.

He loves cooking, I find it frustrating.

He does bath, milk, bed and cooks my tea.

I have some sympathy with the OPs friend.

The DH does the financially rewarding, perhaps even enjoyable, outside of the house work.

She does everything at home (except for what the cleaner can do in three hours).

It is boring and depressing and there is no money to be earned from it.

The DH needs to do his bit (even if much less of a bit than she does) because it is extremely demoralising to have the whole lot dumped on your plate just because you are the SAHP.

Presumably her being SAHM suits the whole family, not just her. If she was a WOHM then he would probably have to do more than he does now. He should be just as appreciative of her as she is of him, I think.

YANBU - she did ask your opinion after all. She clearly has more spare time than he does, and it's unreasonable to expect him to come home and start doing the housework after such long days. It would be the same if he was a SAHP and she was at work.

YANBU if kiddies are school age...lazy woman!!

If kiddies not school age the YABU

'Show me the SAHM who claims to spend 50 hours a week doing housework and child-related stuff, and I'll show you either a liar or someone who is hopelessly rubbish at running a home. '

I'm neither a liar or crap though, and I fitted in a degree up until ds4 arrived at Easter.

en garde, moondog! You are lunging today, with all your talk of Icelandic folk

My heart bleeds purple pee for her!!! Not much respite with just1 child LOL God I could pull out all the house in 2 afternoons minus kids!

"Presumably her being SAHM suits the whole family, not just her"

Well quite, these arrangements are generally mutually beneficial

I've never really understood this kind of indignation, and the idea that EVERYTHING should be split 50/50- that being the case, your friend should work pt and so should her DH, then they should split the chores right down the middle and time themselves as to how long they each spend with the child- not terribly practical.

To me, marriage (or any other relationship, come to that) is about teamwork, where each person fills a role (and sometimes those roles overlap a bit) in order for the whole thing to roll along as smoothly as possible. To that end, my DH works long hours and commutes so that I can afford to work just 1 1/2 days a week. I consider myself to be the lucky one. Quite surprised that people seem to think the husband gets more pleasure out of work than the wife will have at home with the kids- surely it's far more pleasurable to set your own hours and standards, while watching your children grow up than it is to spend long hours doing a job that you might not even like all that much (although, admittedly, after the day I have just spent with my 3, work does sometimes seem the attractive option!) While I'm home, it's not really a huge sacrifice to do an hour of housework a day. Yeah, I do a lot of other stiff (walk dogs, do all the finances, shop, do all the laundry) but I'm happy for DH to come on at night and spend some time with the kids he has fathered. TBF, he does usually pitch in with the dishes/ hoovering/ tidying if he is home early enough, but I don't feel outraged if I am left doing those things while he catches up with the kids and their news. At weekends, we tend to do things as a family, the housework can wait. I suppose we are fairly stereotypical, but I'm certainly not offering to clean out the gutters/ service the car/ build a new fence etc. I think it's ok to have different, complimentary roles, as long as you both realise you are working together and noone gets petty and resentful.

If she asked your opinion, then yanbu, i totally agree with laqueen on this one

A man may work from sun to sun, but a womans work is never done....

I am an eternally grateful SAHM - I LOVE mamaging my own time and not having to clock watch or dance to another persons tune (well, provided that person isn't under 3 feet tall).

I ALWAYS moan that my DH doesn't do enough around the house and can be a really slobbish pig. I usually follow up that despite his faults (well, he's a MAN after all ) he is a good father, a successful provider, and a reasonable husband (most of the time).

BUT that doesn't stop it hacking me off awfully when I HAVE cleared the whole house up and he can't even be bothered to put his stuff in the dishwasher OR the linen basket...

Maybe if I had a cleaner

It can be frustrating if the two of you aren't dancing to the same tune and you feel alone or overwhelmed. Maybe she just needs to let off a bit of steam. Being married isn't often easy, raising children isn't often easy, with or without a DP.

I am lucky and have VERY indulgent friends who forgive me if I do have the odd rant about 'this man' I married.

I meant managing my own time...

"SAHM" can be used to refer to somebody who has 4 pre-schoolers and a 5 dogs, who knits her own jam, cultivates her own lentil patch and runs her own M&T group in her shed, and somebody who does the school run and then divides her time between the nail technician and the golf club.

I think the OP's friend and LeQueen do have time to do housework. As to SAHM's in general, who knows?

have been SAHM, couldnt cope, went back to work for a break. think the op freind might be frustrated and wants to "do" something outside her main role of carer/nurturer of darling children???? its nice to be yourself sometimes and not just mummy/wife.my dh is amazing ALWAYS helps with house and kids, ALWAYS brings me coffee in the morning.changes nappies baths kids.he cant cook though so when its his turn to do dinner its usually a takeaway!!!(smug )my exH was opposite ,even when he didnt work he never lifted a finger, after our divorce he moved back to his mums{hes 40 ffs}wonder why???op everyones different and if your freind needs help she should be able to rely on her dh/dp for it.

My exH worked loads of hours and all that, I would have really liked him to help in the house, but I don't mean I wanted him to hoover when he got home, or put on a load of washing or whatever. What I really wanted was for him to be part of the household and not a lodger.

Things like taking an interest in the kids going ons like checking school letters and making sure they have dinner money, putting some stuff away in the kitchen while waiting for the kettle to boil, putting a new loo roll out, helping make dinner on sundays, listening to reading homework, put away some clothes, just general stuff that means being a bit more involved, otherwise whats the point in having a partner and kids.

YANBU in my eyes she sounds like she has a peach there. I never had anyone to take mine for an afternoon when they were little.
AND she has a cleaner