to have told my SAHM friend she shouldn't moan about her DH not helping round the house

[wonderwoman73]

In a nutshell, she doesn't work, he works a 50 - 60 hour week plus 2 hours commuting a day and she's just been bending my ear about how he doesn't help round the house. Given he works really hard so she doesn't have to I think she should accept that she has to do most or all of the chores (oh, and they have a cleaner too).

The latter
FFS who hasn't the time to chop up a bit of veg or mash a spud or fry an onion.

It sounds like you have your balance exactly right slayerette.

I think on Mumsnet sometimes we get obsessed by this mentality that looking after DCs is the hardest job in the world ever that we forget to project ourselves onto the other side of the fence.

I remember being horrified once by a thread where a SAHM was annoyed because her DH wouldn't do anything round the house. However said DH was out of the house for 70 hours during the week and was perfectly happy to pay for a cleaner. But the poster wasn't happy until someone hit upon the fantastic suggestion of her DH doing his own ironing. I do hope that went down like a lead ballon or the DH just paid a company to do it.

If one partner is in paid employment for long hours then I think it is encumbant on the other to do the majority of the housework. There are some basics that I would expect anyone living in a house to do such as putting own dirty laundry in the basket, emptying dust bin if its full. But realistically if someone is away pretty much all of the time from Monday - Friday, surely the most important thing they can do at the weekend is to be actively involved with their DCs including all the dull bits such as nappy changing when young and schlepping to parties when older.

I even save on the heating up prepacked meals by getting takeaways every night. Just eat out the plastic containers with plastic cutlery and chuck it (still dirty) in the recycling. Bob's your uncle - no more stress about "what to cook". When the sheets get dirty I just throw them away and buy new ones. Ditto clothing. My life is tough but I somehow make it through the day.

As a SAHM who has DC of school age

What is there for her DH to do????
She has a cleaner all there is the washing and ironing.

Which can be done in the week when hes at work

If its a case of him not bathing dc or loading dishwasher etc etc at the weekend then he is being a lazy git because he should

I'd still like to know the age of the children. All of this is acedemic at the moment.

Well said Rookie.
MN is full of self indulgent women who eat biscuits all day in front of CBeebies, moaning about how hard it all is.
They need a kick up the arse.

YABU

It's not "helping round the house"

It's being an adult.

Something v worrying about anyone who never makes a meal, tidies up, loads a dishwasher, wipes a kitchen etc.

Love you moondog

Dunno on this one, I do think you were bing unsupportive to say it to her though.

I feel bad I rely on DH a lot with housework, but find it gets too much but I am in exceptional circumstances- apart from a particularly clingy baby I have 3 others, two of whome are sn and need 24/7 watching, and sleep poorly- Saturday night I got from 5 -8 for example to sleep (5 am ) because of all the feeds/ waking.

So to me she seems to have it lightly but I am perhaps biased and see it from an unusual angle- oh and feeling guilty too

If he's not interacting with the kids then he's an arse. If he can't be bothered to put his own dirty cups etc in the dishwasher then he is an arse (am presuming they have one as they can afford a cleaner).

Otherwise she is just plain lazy (unless she has 3+ kids all under school age, but even then she should be doing the bulk of it).

Or they have SN obviously....

I think you're being a bit unreasonable. I stay at home and dp works sometimes 60 hours a week, but I won't have him doing sweet FA when he gets home. Even if he just washes up while I bath ds, but it's bloody hard staying at home.
I don't make him hoover or change beds on any heavy duty stuff, but there's no reason why he can't wash up, cook dinner ewtc a couple of times a week.

But if they have a cleaner........

where has the OP gone?

To the OP: are you an incy wincy ?

LOL georgimama- de;iberately didn' pick you up on that as being charitable today

The problem is it doesn't matter how hard we work in the day, there are certain things like lunchboxes, evening meals and bathtimes that obviously cannot be done until the evening. So generally the man's day ends when he walks in the door, the womans day ends when she sits down/goes to bed. Well that's how it seems to be in my house and I work 30 hours a week too.

Its the same at our home

By the time DH gets in the kids are bathed homework done dinner made.There is nothing for him to do unless the kids are still up so maybe bedtime story which DH love doing

At the weekend he cooks as I am a crap cookand he does help with DC doing homework bathing etc etc .
But if he didnt he wouldnt get to see them and he would lose out.

But he has never mopped the floors or changed the beds unless DC been not well
(he is very thoughtfull leaves me cups and bowls to wash up to give me something to do in the day)bless

Thats a completely different scenario though isn't it Daphne. I work p/t, well 26 hours p/w so not exactly minimal like yourself. In my case I insist that DH and I both finish "work" at the same time i.e. if he baths DS I will clean up the dishes from dinner. Absolutely no way I would have him sitting watching TV/on the internet whilst I am still beavering away. However apparently I do believe that my parents may think I am somewhat lazy as a result. Tough.

But I have to add, if I was a SAHM and did not work the 30 hours I currently do, I think I would be feeling a little guilty asking my DP to empty the Dishwasher etc when he has just driven a few hundred miles down a motorway!

Mine are school age, so I don't expect dh to return from his 15 hour day and do anything around the house Monday - Friday since I have a good deal more free time than him (it would be different if I was a SAHM with pre-schoolers)

However, he has to pitch in and do some household chores at the weekend (as do I) - since it's my weekend as well as his, and moreover, it demonstrates to the children that this is not exclusively 'women's work'

Did you friend have any guidelines for you regarding how you should live your life?

Just because one partner works outside the home does not mean the other partner has to be their slave, and work 16 hours a day picking up after another adult. Unless you think being paid = not having to take any responsibility for being an adult who is perfectly capable of washing up/changing nappies/putting the dishwasher on.

I have no personal axe to grind here as both dh and I do paid work but I do think things have come to a pretty pass when people in the 21st century think SAH means you have to be a servant. Blimey, next you'll be telling SAHMs to put on a new pinny and freshen up their lipstick before their dhs come home like those manuals in the 50s used to say.

I work around 30 hours a week too and I make sure that when my DH gets in that the chores and homework are all done and supper is ready. I do this so we can all enjoy our time together as a family. I view the extra time I have relative to my DH as a great luxury and I want to make the most of family time and in particular, his time with the kids.

Well my DH works 730-1630ish sometimes 5, I go out with dcs am or do things indoors. Can't leave the 2 together because the dd1 (2.10) pushes and has sly digs at dd2 (7mths), so can't do upstairs and they get in the way if they come up with me iyswim. I am lucky if I can do dishes, load washer or dryer and put ironing away during the day. DH and I split chores because most can only be done (except downstairs dusting and my room) while dds are asleep. I have a 1hr window after dd1 has lunch. I refuse to not have a break so make that 30mins.
If they are pre-school/babies YABU.
If the DCs are at school she has oodles of time and no distractions to do chores so YANBU.

Thing is chocolatedot, by working 30 hours, you are probably sacrificing career progression, salary and pension. Lots of women do. And given 1/3 marriages end in divorce, they often end up suffering for it. He may work longer hours than you, but you are contributing equally to the family and are likely to be much worse off if (I hope not, of course) your marriage ends in divorce.

In ans to ques my friend has a 13 month old DS who her mother looks after 2 afternoons a week. Her DH drives to work so does 10 hours driving a week on top of 50 -60 hour week. He took a promotion (and longer hours) so she could stay at home and the only reason I said anything was because she asked me if I thought she was being unreasonable!

Oh, and I never meant to imply that being at home isn't work, I work 3 days a week and my days at home with DD are harder than my days at work - less mental stimulation and no lunchbreak!