AIBU regarding PILs, cos everyone else seems to think so - long

[kirsty1980]

name changer here.

DH and I have separated, a large reason for this is due to his parents (mainly his mother?s) behaviour. We say we love each other but I cannot stand his mother?s behaviour and he says he is fed up with MY behaviour towards his parents. He is a mummy?s boy. This is going to be long, but please tell me if I am unreasonable because everyone including my own parents seem to think I am 

I have been with DH for 11 years, married for 3 and we have an 8 month old baby. PILs never showed much of an interest in me. They would look at me as if I had 3 heads if I chatted away to them, I would get one word replies and I?d think they were really weird but that was really all. I would stay over at their?s no problems, go up for tea etc.

When I fell pregnant with dd, that?s when it began to change. She nagged me to go into hospital when I wanted a home birth (I did go into hospital but only due to complications during pregnancy), she criticised my decision to BF, turning to other DIL and saying ?good for you? when other DIL mentioned she hadn?t, making me feel like less of a mum or something and when I was in hospital due to placenta prevaria and lots of bleeding plus SPD, she visited only to spend the entire time talking about how tired and stressed my DH was!

Once dd was born, she was never away from here. She turned up at 10pm unnannounced, dd was in the mist of a colic episode, I was stressed and she proceeded to follow me around the house giving instructions when I just wanted her to FO. She would ask us to come up to hers all day Sunday and sulk if I did not want to, or if I wanted to leave after an hour or so. If dd was getting cranky and I wanted to go, she would ignore me and so would DH, because he wanted to keep his mum happy. DH works 6 days a week and sometimes Sunday overtime, so any spare time we have, I want it to be us three. So I stopped Sunday visits all together.

Now that has led to her moaning she never sees dd. When she does, it?s as if I don?t exist. She completely takes over and if I try to take dd, she turns away from me, or walks away, even if dd is crying for me. She says everything I do with dd is ?nonsense?, she says its my fault dd doesn?t sleep well because her boys were in their own room from birth plus if they woke, she would just leave them, which I don?t want to do with dd.

I tried to be nice though, at DH?s pleading, and invited her to visit us and to help bathe dd etc. She moaned to DH afterwards that she felt she was being supervised. She started turning up unannounced again 3 times that same week. Finally I told her to FO the third time and things have been strained since. Apparently, I am unsociable and queer.

She keeps asking for dd to stay overnight. I refuse, I don?t want dd to be away from me, especially if MIL won?t do things the way dd is used to. Plus MIL works full time, so it?s not realistic.

She encourages DH to leave me, hence the current separation, and apply for full custody of dd as that will allow them to see dd more, plus I apparently can?t cope with her! I?m very upset and scared I will lose dd. She encourages DH to have lads nights out, lads weekends away and never mind me left alone with the baby. She also keeps talking about a girl DH was ?close? to before we met (we were 16 when we met ffs!)

Anyway, my parents have been told the full story but they seem to think I?m exaggerating  They say they are the grandparents, I am being unreasonable and I need to let PILs see dd. Its not the ?seeing? her that matters, its their behaviour when they DO see her, plus the amount of time they want to see her. I don?t think MIL will be happy unless dd was living with her or something!

I?m sick of feeling like the bad guy, and feeling guilty. I?m sick of DH promising to take my side but it only lasting a few weeks before he returns to being a mummy?s boy.

Please be honest, AIBU?

I think you have more cards in your hand than you realise. The fact that MIL and DH work long hours is actually good - how can they then share custody?

From the things Dh has said, I wouldn't think he's got legal advice - or any good advice - because some of the things he has said just sound plain wrong. However, I do think you should go along to the lawyer with your dad asap.

From my understanding, if you divorce, final custody arrangements will be worked out then. In the meantime, and because these things take time and dd should have some contact with her father, some kind of arrangement for her to see him will need to be organised (possibly by your solicitors) for example - one night a week and alternate weekends maybe. (Could be more/less)

I do think that you ILs behaviour could actually constitute harrassment - you could ask all contact from now on to be through your solicitor rather than put up with FIL etc shouting down the phone at members of your family. It may also take the heat out of the situation and make them get some sensible advice, which it seems that they need.

You sound like you're doing all the right things. Keep taking notes, go to the solicitor asap and tell them everything - sometimes helps to jot a few things down first.

Good luck - must dash as DS spreading chocolate over rug....

You poor thing, what a horrendous situation for you. Tbh, I think you are well rid of your dh if that's what he's normally like. I know it's easier said than done but try to stay calm, especially when you speak to dh or his parents, so that they can see that you are calm and in control. If you start yelling like a fish-wife then they will hold that against you. I'm glad that you now have the full support of your parents but I agree with the others when they say that you must seek legal advice immediately. Good luck.

I used to do some family legal work involving children but it was a long time ago and things might have changed.

From what I understand, you might be a bit vulnerable through working full time. I'm not sure that the courts would look at what your mother does, they might just look at the parents and say "well, they both do 50/50 at the moment so a shared care order would be fair". This might mean your DD living one week with you, and one with your DH (which I'm sure would mean his control freak mother in practice).

Is there any way you can reduce your hours in the short term. Would your parents help you out financially?

From what you've said, I'm quite sure that jealousy over your mum is a prime motivating factor for your MIL.

yes she's definitely jealous.

do you really think that working full time will work against me? I don't even know if my employer would allow me to change my hours as so many colleagues have asked for this recently...

Something else that concerns me - DH twice tried to push me down the stairs, once when 8 months pregnant and once when holding a newborn.

but i never went to the police So it's my word against his. What can I do about that?

Thank you all for your help, waiting to find out if dad has made an appointment yet.

sorry the figures you refer to were me trying to do smileys but they didn't appear properly!

I really wish I had gone to the police, now I'm worried no one will believe me. I tried so hard to make things work and kept thinking he would change but I was wrong.

Sorry for the drip feeding thread a, I am at work and b, when I'm home, I'm kinda busy with dd and fending off horrible phone calls etc!

He is reminding me more and more of my ex. Did you not tell your parents about it or any friends? did you go to the hospital or doctor? Imo you definaely have grounds for an injuction, but you need to prove it-have you got any threatening emails or texts?

have a look here

yes, i told my parents, DH convinced them I was exaggerating (believe me, they really regret all this now, they are fully on my side now). I did not go to hospital no.

He nagged me to see a doctor about PND as his mum thought I had it, doctor basically told me to sod off, I was perfectly fine, but the fact I went...will it count against me? See, he's so manipulative, emotionally abusive, makes me doubt myself

aww Honey, i very much doubt it will go against you, i think i had PND because of exdp, not sure they will access your medical records anyway, unless he starts saying things like you are unstable..etc, and even that needs to be proved etc. Have you heard from your Dad about an appointment with a solicitor yet?

You really need to get this sorted. If he is capable of trying to push you down stairs when in such a vulnerable state then I'm worried about what he may be capable of when he realises that things won't go his way with custody, access etc. Does he generally try to manipulate and intimidate you? Can you stay with your parents until this is all sorted out - I really don't think you should be on your own right now. And if you meet him again make sure there is someone with you. PLease don't meet him on your own.

Sorry not read all of thread, just scanned, but I wanted to offer my support to you and say that although this seems really awful at the minute things will get better.
My best friend went through something very similar to you (her ex p sounds very much like yours) he was very manipulating and managed to turn a lot of people against her, he dragged her to court so many times but every time she came out on top, (the courts can see through people like this). There is no reason why the courts should take your DD away from you or your mum (who is a big part of her life), my friend also worked full time and this wasn't an issue,your DD is well cared for by your mum and I presume is healthy and happy in her weekly routine.
You must mention the physical attacks on you as this could result in supervised visit only for exp to DD. Good luck with the solicitor and take any help you are offered (physical or mental) as this is going to be a tough time for you. Sorry for ramblings, hope something I've put may help you.

Kirsty really sad to read your thread as it progressed.

A really good way to comunicate with your dh is through email, as then you have a dated documented trail, so any demands would be in black and white and given the abusive phone calls this would be a very reasonable demand for you to make of him.

i.e. you have taken advice and you do not have to listen to him ranting in your spare time and if he wishes to commincate with you regarding your future and care for your dd then he will need tyo email you as obviously the separtion etc has distressed you and you want things to remain as normal as possible for dd.

Try always to put dd at the centre of your actions ( as ultimately that is what the court will should do)

In addition a quiet word with your manager at work if you do want to change your hours in the shoprt term you have a reasonable case, seperation and loss of help at home 9 we k now he didn't but hey)

Good luck with the lawyer I think you'll find that you're in a stronger position than you think

• dh and MIL full time work
• dh accruing debts he sdidn't reveal
• the abuse (emotional and physical)

PS DON'T whatever you do have the meeting with H and MIL without a third party (solicitor?)

It would probably be even better if you have the meeting with the tape recorder going.

Why do you think the problem is with your MIL when your husband has tried to push you down the stairs twice?

Absolutely, do not meet them without either a solicitor or a tape recorder. And seeing as you have to tell them you are recording the conversation I can see your DH flying off the handle. I would have a solicitor present.

To be honest I dont get why you are meeting the MIL at all. Its your H who needs to me making the effort to resolve your family situation,although I think it's a bit late for that. I dont understand why you would go near that old bitch.

Not much use, but I'll be thinking about you.

Kirsty please don't worry about the threats your not so D- H is making regarding access. I suspect he is speaking his mother's words instead of his own. If he has his daughters best interests at heart he'll eventually realise that he being a twunt.

There is no way he can insist he has your DD all day over christmas as he isn't the resident parent. Your position as the resident parent is that you should be seen to facilitate access on a regular basis and if it does go to court (try mediation first though, it often works) this will definitely work in your favour. Write down every piece of access you have organised/attended.

It's a horrible position you're in and I know you will be feeling anxious and that you have no control. Bear in mind that your DH's current actions say that he too is feeling this way and he is lashing out. If you can keep a cool head you will come out of this mess with an agreement you and your daughter are happy and comfortable with.

this is nasty, nasty behaviour. You need to go back and write down every negative action, word, every instance of the bullying and controlling behaviour your dh and pil have exhibited in the past. Try to be as accurate as possible.

Look on ebay for a hand held tape recorder of the kind used by journalists and start holding it to the phone every time they call. Time and date and log every conversation. I know it's a lot of work, and is probably overwhelming whne you've got an 8m/o to look after, but you need to be able to show the courts exactly what these people are like.

No way on gods green earth should these people be allowed any kind of custody of your dd, but you need to be prepared to fight to prove this. My mil is also a monster, who i have barely spoken to in years. although sounds like yours could give her a run for her money, so you have my total sympathy.

Oh my God! WTF?

Completely agree with all the advice here. GO AND SEE A SOLICITOR before the end of the week, failing that, the CAB are brilliant at this kind of thing (and it's free). Start keeping a diary of every conversation you have (dates/times/rough outline of what was said). Record conversations as far as possible.

You can certainly bring up the domestic abuse, whether or not you went to the police. He needs to be stopped.

I also agree that I would sever all contact with in-laws. The more they phone and abuse, that is harassment and it's a criminal offence.

Thank God your parents have seen reason and started to support you.

Big hug for you from me

Bloody hell!
Oh, how awful for you.
Everyone's given good advice - SOLICITOR, TOMORROW

Can I also suggest that you buy two notebooks. Mark one 'contemporaneous notes'.
Write down everything that occurs between any and all of you from now on, including things like his parents calling yours. Mark each entry 'contemporaneous' and add the date and the time that you made the entry.

Then mark the other notebook 'retrospective notes' and write down any and all details of past confrontations/underminings/emotional attacks that you can remember.

Bloody hell, what a hideous situation.

update: spoke to CAB and feel a bit reassured. lawyer appointment on monday. FIL phoned my mum asking if she could recommend a builder (mum had an extension done) we are like WTF?? DH also phoned saying he loved me and dd.... Still a bit confused

Well done Kirsty. Keep strong. The stairs thing is very, very bad. Good luck tomorrow.

Good for you. Stay strong. Remember how manipulative your DH can be. I'm not saying that you shouldn't listen to what he has to say, but you should remember his behaviour towards you in the past. It may be his way of worming back in there, only to do it all over again.

{{{hug}}}

Hi Kirsty, well done for taking first step. Whatever happens, you are forewarned now, and can do the thing with taking notes and a diary (don't underestimate their power) and preparing independent resources. Needmorechoc is right.