AIBU regarding PILs, cos everyone else seems to think so - long

[kirsty1980]

name changer here.

DH and I have separated, a large reason for this is due to his parents (mainly his mother?s) behaviour. We say we love each other but I cannot stand his mother?s behaviour and he says he is fed up with MY behaviour towards his parents. He is a mummy?s boy. This is going to be long, but please tell me if I am unreasonable because everyone including my own parents seem to think I am 

I have been with DH for 11 years, married for 3 and we have an 8 month old baby. PILs never showed much of an interest in me. They would look at me as if I had 3 heads if I chatted away to them, I would get one word replies and I?d think they were really weird but that was really all. I would stay over at their?s no problems, go up for tea etc.

When I fell pregnant with dd, that?s when it began to change. She nagged me to go into hospital when I wanted a home birth (I did go into hospital but only due to complications during pregnancy), she criticised my decision to BF, turning to other DIL and saying ?good for you? when other DIL mentioned she hadn?t, making me feel like less of a mum or something and when I was in hospital due to placenta prevaria and lots of bleeding plus SPD, she visited only to spend the entire time talking about how tired and stressed my DH was!

Once dd was born, she was never away from here. She turned up at 10pm unnannounced, dd was in the mist of a colic episode, I was stressed and she proceeded to follow me around the house giving instructions when I just wanted her to FO. She would ask us to come up to hers all day Sunday and sulk if I did not want to, or if I wanted to leave after an hour or so. If dd was getting cranky and I wanted to go, she would ignore me and so would DH, because he wanted to keep his mum happy. DH works 6 days a week and sometimes Sunday overtime, so any spare time we have, I want it to be us three. So I stopped Sunday visits all together.

Now that has led to her moaning she never sees dd. When she does, it?s as if I don?t exist. She completely takes over and if I try to take dd, she turns away from me, or walks away, even if dd is crying for me. She says everything I do with dd is ?nonsense?, she says its my fault dd doesn?t sleep well because her boys were in their own room from birth plus if they woke, she would just leave them, which I don?t want to do with dd.

I tried to be nice though, at DH?s pleading, and invited her to visit us and to help bathe dd etc. She moaned to DH afterwards that she felt she was being supervised. She started turning up unannounced again 3 times that same week. Finally I told her to FO the third time and things have been strained since. Apparently, I am unsociable and queer.

She keeps asking for dd to stay overnight. I refuse, I don?t want dd to be away from me, especially if MIL won?t do things the way dd is used to. Plus MIL works full time, so it?s not realistic.

She encourages DH to leave me, hence the current separation, and apply for full custody of dd as that will allow them to see dd more, plus I apparently can?t cope with her! I?m very upset and scared I will lose dd. She encourages DH to have lads nights out, lads weekends away and never mind me left alone with the baby. She also keeps talking about a girl DH was ?close? to before we met (we were 16 when we met ffs!)

Anyway, my parents have been told the full story but they seem to think I?m exaggerating  They say they are the grandparents, I am being unreasonable and I need to let PILs see dd. Its not the ?seeing? her that matters, its their behaviour when they DO see her, plus the amount of time they want to see her. I don?t think MIL will be happy unless dd was living with her or something!

I?m sick of feeling like the bad guy, and feeling guilty. I?m sick of DH promising to take my side but it only lasting a few weeks before he returns to being a mummy?s boy.

Please be honest, AIBU?

I haven't got much to say, except, write things down. Print out the thread, keep looking at it, remind yourself of what to say when you do meet. That will help you to keep as calm as possible.

Oh that phrase: "I was only trying to help." It's so ghastly and insidious and mendacious. Poor you.

They are the grandparents but they should have some respect. You sound like you are well shot of the OH.

YANBU.

Poor poor you. She's sounds like a right cow- just like my MIL. But at least my side of the family fully support me.

You need to do a list of all the snidey, nasty things she has said to you.

Don't let her organise any discussion on her terms. She sounds like a bully and your DH is the typical wet fish mummy's boy.

DH and I went for counselling about his mother and it was the best thing I could have done. I went armed with my list, and calmly recited off examples of things she had said and done and in the end the counsellor told DH that I was being reasonable.

I would have your mum and at least one other neutral person present when you have your discussion. Keep calm, and just give examples.

I'm sure my own MIL would dearly love my DH and I to separate because then she would get the children all to herself every fortnight. Don't let her ruin your life.

your oh needs to grow a backbone and your pils need to show some respect - i hope the meeting goes well, good luck

I'd get a tape recorder tbh. That would convince your Mum and DH if there was any argument.

list and tape recorder v g idea. A bit shocked that your own parents aren't backing you up on this one . You poor thing, MIL sounds like a vicious loon.

Ok. obviously you are not BU and it´s good you will have a chance to sit down and talk about it. Will your dh be there? He should be.

Try (hard I know) not to get upset. I tend to get very defensive very quickly too if I feel attacked so try and be prepared for that and plan to stop and breathe before responding to something that upsets you. Or if really bad, jump up and offer to put the kettle on so you can have a quick time out.

My dh also works 6 day weeks every 2nd week and we used to have to see his family every saturday rain or shine for lunch (but always approx 3-4 hour visit). My mil is not like yours so I can only imagine how much worse it would be if she was. However this obligation put a lot of strain on us and only now (5yrs together and ds 18mo) has it settled into a flexible routine we can all live with.

We now go for lunch on the saturday that he doesn´t work and stay the normal several hours. On the week he works we either go for an hour on the sunday for a coffee and a chat or we don´t and dh takes ds on his own at some point in the week. This means his mum still sees ds once a week at least and our saturdays don´t get lost to family lunches every week.

She will want to see your dd more, my MIL would love to see ds more but I agree with others that say they (and we will too when our turn comes as grandparents no doubt) will always want to see them more.

Some people will advise keeping visits in your own house where you feel more in control. for me, it´s better going to their house because it´s easier and quicker to leave than it is to chuck someone out!

The rest of the issues are really to do with your dh though. she can encourage him to have lads nights and weekends all she likes, he should know whether or not he can realistically take them.

I would not want to have this meeting without your DH being there. Sounds like MIL will not act in your interest.

I would insist on counselling/mediation to deal with the seperation and get some proper legal advice.

You poor thing. Your DS is only 8 months old for heaven's sakes. Your MIL needs to back off. I'm glad you've got the meeting with your mother present, but I agree with the idea of getting an independent 3rd party.

I also think that you and your DH need some counselling to deal with this issue. Whether you manage to stay together or separate, at least you can get some help.

Get help which will then help you stay strong.

update: met again with dh to arrange meeting with his parents. during meeting he 'casually' mentioned the debt I knew he had, and revealed it was more than I had thought! Over 20,000! I'm horrified and angry that he lied to me and that as his wife, I had no idea what was going on. he said I had no right to know and that it's none of my business and he's 'on top of it'. He said he would leave again unless I dropped it. he wouldn't stop shouting at me to leave it then he stormed out. THEN my FIL phoned my dad and gave him abuse down the phone, telling us to leave dh alone, swearing and saying horrible things about me. My parents have finally seen them for what they are and say they are sorry for ever doubting me. But I am still worried about access to dd. Dh says he will take dd whenever he wants and bring her back whenever he wants. He is going to go for full custody and wants her all day xmas when there will be 20 people in his house, including relatives dd has never met...I don't know what to do, I'm so emotional and angry. My parents are nagging me to see a lawyer, I think I will have to but I worry thinks will work out in his favour

You must see a solicitor immediately. He has threatened to take your child whenever he wants. This is not on and you need to get a legal arrangement as soon as possible.

Poor you. He sounds like a complete nob and you're well shot of him and his appalling family. At least your parents are on your side now. Can you go and stay with them for a few days until you feel a bit more able to cope?

Oh God, it all sounds horrible, sorry.

He's talking out of his backside though - things are very very very unlikely to work out in his favour, and the more threats he makes the less likely he is to get any kind of custody.

Do go to a lawyer, and start keeping records of who says what and when. Sorry

Also, get yourself a mini tape recorder and start to record any conversations with him and his family. If this all goes to court you may need the evidence.

I know this is easy for me to say, but please, don't panic.

His family and he are being unkind as well as utterly unreasonable and unrealistic. From the things you have said, there doesn't seem to be any reason for him to get full custody. You sound like a lovely mum. If you do split up and end up sharing custody, from the arrangements I've seen, one parent doesn't just have the child whenever they want. It's usually far more organised than that.

I would try to see a lawyer/CAB today with your mum and dad for support and find out what your rights are - and in regards to the debt if there is any way you can ringfence yourself from it.

Good luck and I'm sorry they are being so cruel x

Go to CAB/solicitor today.

Best of luck!

I am staying with my parents, thanks. I don't feel I can stay at mine by myself. he is living with his parents though, his mummy has him to herself again! I will try to keep a record of what is said but do written notes make a difference? It's not the same as tape recorded proof plus I think they would spot something like that! I do have a tape recorder though!

It's very sensible to keep a contemporaneous record - notes are good, along with details of who else was there.

Hope this helps!

BC x

YA definitely NBU and I feel for you about the Christmas Day demand.

It is a horrible situation but he needs to realise that being with all those people (some of them strangers) will be frightening for her. He HAS to think of your DD in all this. Can you have a conversation about the access issues alone and make it clear that there is nothing you want more than for him to see your DD but that it has to be arranged to be comfortable for her above anything else and cutting off either parent is not in her interests.

Can you suggest an interim arrangement until your issues with PILs are resolved (if ever - but you don't have to say this)? Hopefully he will stop demanding so much as I think at the moment he is panicking as he thinks he is losing her.

As upset as you both are the main thing to make you and your daughter happy is to stop the threats and put her first. You obviously already are but he needs to realise this too.

As far as the staying overnight thing goes - I love my mother and trust her implicitly with my DD but would not contemplate leaving her overnight (she is 6mths) except in a real emergency and I don't think my Mum would feel happy about it either although she is more than capable. It sounds as though it is more important to your MIL to have control than to make your DD happy.

The chances are they have already taken legal advice already and are working as a pack team to try and get either joint or full custody. He may even be accruing debts in order to pay less child support.

Are you a full time sahm? I cannot see any way that he would get full care of an 8 month old baby. My biggest worry would be a shared order meaning that your in laws would effectively be co-parents with you(because they allow your DH to behave like a batchelor).

You should read "Toxic In-Laws"- it's quite helpful. But in the meantime, take legal advice and call his bluff because he will not be able to do just take your child whenever he feels like.

I really detest these controlling in-laws that feel they have a right to take over someone else's child.

I have read 'toxic in laws' thanks, its a good book but hasn't made that much of a difference, in that DH wont' take my side.

I am not a SAHM, I am actually a full time working mum. My mother who is retired looks after dd (which MIL, who works f/t, hates). I don't want to change dd's routine in any way. But I am prepared to change my hours etc for dd's benefit but DH can't afford to.

I don't know much about access to be honest. What's a shared order? What sort of orders can I take out and do you think i should take out an injunction or something? dad is going to arrange an appointment with a lawyer asap but it would help to know a little first, thanks x

I'm sorry, I'm so confused. i am actually at work (shouldn't be on the computer!)

Sound like loonies to me, you are best out of it. I doubt very much they would get custody.

By the way, I might be being stupid but what does &#61516 in your OP mean?

you poor thing, how horrible.
sorry, but your DH seems like a complete prick, please arrange to see a solicitor asap, then he/she can talk you through the next steps, my ex and his bitch of a mother threatened all this, the judge gave him 4 hours a week access, although he does see her a lot more now because i am reasonable and feel it is in the best interests of dd.

I'm so glad your parents are giving you some support now

unless you can prove that you or dd are in danger from your dh you won't be able to get an injuction, however, he has made threatd to take her when he feels like it, so that may be grounds, seriously, speak to a solicitor they will have heard it all before, and know exactly what to do