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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

to think dh is being selfish

63 replies

shoptilidrop · 11/11/2008 09:16

i think he is- but just need someone elses opion.
Dh is forces and he was going to be away this week and weekend, plans changed and he is how here. I had planned to go home ( just over and hour away) vist family and have my hair done. I was going to take my dog with me and dh wasnt go to be here. Seeing as he is now here, i said great, you can look after the dog, - who is not in the best of health having recently been diagnosed with hip displacia and the weekend would have really been a bit much for him. Dh said fine, then yesterday when i was booking the food shopping to be delivered onthe sat am, he said he wouldnt be here. I asked him why as he would need to be here to look after the dog, and he informed me he had plans to go out with friends in the next town and would be staying overnight to save taxi fares. I said what about the dog - to which he told me he would be ok, he would leave a light on and he wasnt going out till 10pm. So i said that if he wasnt going out till then when would he get back - he said he didnt know but would get a mate ( who i dont know) to pop in and let the dog out for a wee at lunchtime. I went mental at him, i think he is being totally selfish and a idiot. He then said that he would be in the pub at 10, so would in fact be leaving the house at about 8, but wouldnt admitt to the fact that he was trying to make me misunderstand. He said i was being selfish and trying to control him and that if the dog was in a kennel noone would be there at night ( dont know if this is true or not).
I am fuming at him, and not speaking to him. I never go out, i cannot think of more that 7 or so occassions since i had dd ( who is almost 3) that i have been out in a evening, - and im only going to my mothers! AIBU?

OP posts:
Lauriefairycake · 11/11/2008 09:19

very very selfish, you can't leave a dog for 20 hours on it's own (with one pee) - he's a pack animal ffs

please take the dog with you

he's a tosser

anyfucker · 11/11/2008 09:19

I can see both sides here.

It doesn't seem unreasonable for him to look after the family dog.

However, he has an unexpected weekend off and wants to relax properly.

Unless he has a history of utterly selfish behaviour, I would stick to your plan A and take the dog with you.

Alternatively, why don't you all stay home and have a bonus family weekend together?

VinegarTits · 11/11/2008 09:21

YANBU your dh sounds like a selfish fecker. Poor dog, can you just take her with you like you origionally planned?

harleyd · 11/11/2008 09:23

take the dog with you as planned. why shouldnt he be able to go out, its not like you are going to be there, he wasnt going to be there anyway.
and why dont you go out? sounds to me like thats the problem here.

Cupofteaplease · 11/11/2008 09:23

I can see your upset, so may be looking very deeply into things but...

I think YABU about the dog, sorry. We go away for the weekend and leave the dog home alone. The neighbours pop in to feed her and take her for walks, but for the majority of the time she is on her own. No lasting damage!

I'd be glad your dh had though to organise someone to come in and see to the dog- many people would have let it slip their minds completely!!

Cupofteaplease · 11/11/2008 09:24

I can see you are upset

tw70 · 11/11/2008 09:25

Is the fact that you don't go out at all related to DH wanting to go out? I think so many women don't go out much after they have their children, and think it is unreasonable that their DHs do go out. If it is your choice to not go out, then you are probably being a bit unreasonable.

If it is circumstances that prevent you from going out (finances, no one to assist with childcare, etc) and DH has a history of this sort of behaviour, then you ANBU.

He's probably right about the dog kennel, by the way. I don't think they monitor that closely at kennels.

shoptilidrop · 11/11/2008 09:28

i think he is being very bloody selfish. I do everything at the momment - ive just moved here ( we were living apart) and im not working at the momment, so thats fine, but i dont see why i should have to take dd and the dog with me when he is here. Its really not that hard to look after a dog, and im not saying he cant go out, he just cant stay out all night- that is not fair.
I dont want a family weekend, ive planned this weekend for 3 months, and ive a hair appt with my hairdresser ( who is booked up for 3 months) so im not going to change it.

And he has invited his parents for lunch on the sunday, - which i have got to houseclean/ cook for, so if i am doing that for hi,, why cant he look after the dog ( who he says he loves and is part of the family) for one night>?

OP posts:
anyfucker · 11/11/2008 09:32

his parents are coming for lunch on Sunday and you are cleaning/cooking for him ???

why would you do that?

there is lots more to this than just looking after a dog

shoptilidrop · 11/11/2008 09:32

no its nothing to do with not wanting dh to go out - i dont mind that at all. what i mind is that i never get to make and have my own plans, mostly thats down to the army lifesytle, i always have to cancel or hes away and i have noone to baby sit or whatever. For once i planned something- and yes i was going to take the dog with me ( like i said not ideal with his hip problem) but dh is here so i dont see why he cant share some of the responsibility - why does it all fall on me?

OP posts:
VinegarTits · 11/11/2008 09:34

But up until this week you planned to take the dog with you anyway, so what is the problem? jsut pretend like he is not there and carry on as you would have done if he was away.

Or is it the fact that he is staying out over night, the real issue here?

As for Sunday, if he invited his parents, then tell him he can cook dinner.

shoptilidrop · 11/11/2008 09:35

i will do that beacuse i love him. His mil in law is a bit difficult ( which he knows and he doesnt spend much time with his parents - his choice. he invited them here then told me about it.
I dont get what you are trying to say?

OP posts:
QuintessentialShadow · 11/11/2008 09:36

So, while you have a great time with your family and having your hair done, your DH will have to sit home and dogsit your dog rather than seing HIS friend?

YOU are totally unreasonable and selfish. You had planned to take the dog with you, so why cant you?

shoptilidrop · 11/11/2008 09:38

Dog sit OUR dog. Ive not said he cant go out, ive just said he cant stay out all night. I even said why dont they go out here and his friends can stay over here in the spare room, or on the sofa.
THIS IS NOT ABOUT HIM GOING OUT!! it is about all the responsibility constantly falling on me.

OP posts:
tw70 · 11/11/2008 09:39

He invited your parents for lunch and then wants to go out all night and leave you to get everything ready? Very selfish, I think.

With regard to the dog, perhaps you just have fundamental differences in what you think the required care is. Maybe he honestly thinks that someone checking in on the dog is sufficient, and can't understand why you're getting so bothered by it.

QuintessentialShadow · 11/11/2008 09:40

Yes, but you were planning to take the dog anyway.

And if you are not there, I cant see how you can cook lunch for his parents?

Trade it off, tell him fine, I am taking the dog with me, but catering for your parents and having a clean house is YOUR responsibility, as I am away.

QuintessentialShadow · 11/11/2008 09:41

Oh, I will bow out of this one, seem to be many issues.

tw70 · 11/11/2008 09:41

Um, why did you come on here anyway? You seem to have already decided that he is being unreasonable, and that you are being very reasonable and don't really care for any differing opinions.

shoptilidrop · 11/11/2008 09:43

he intivted his parents for lunch on the sunday - i wasnt going to be home until late on the sunday. But have changed my plans to accomdate him - so am now coming home sat pm and will have to clean and cook.
So i do not understand why he just cant look after the dog. and before i get jumped on again, that just means not staying out all night and being there to take the food shopping ( that is the stuff i need to cook for his parents)

OP posts:
VinegarTits · 11/11/2008 09:44

So he is going out Friday night, staying in his friends

you are staying at your mothers, dog was going with you

now you want dog to stay with him, so he has to change plans with his friend, when you could just take the dog with you as planned, or he could have his other friend call in a let dog out for a wee as he planned.

Sorry but YABU and controlling.

VinegarTits · 11/11/2008 09:46

Get food shopping delivered Sat Afternoon when he is back from his friends?

harleyd · 11/11/2008 09:46

yab completely unreasonable
poor bloke

shoptilidrop · 11/11/2008 09:46

i do care for differing opions. I dont know why everyone seems to think i have a problem with him going out _ I Dont. That is not an issue. Its to do with sharing the responsibility. He always goes out, he was out last night, and is out tonight and tomorrow night. He was away for 3 weeks prior to that. I do not mind. What i do mind is that fact that he wont share the work with me.

OP posts:
Drusilla · 11/11/2008 09:46

I am in your situation and think you are being totally reasonable My DH is forces too and I would be as annoyed as you are. We have an elderly dog too and DH is away so much that almost everything I do revolves around DS and the dog. My family are 3 hours away and his even further. So if DH had an unexpected weekend off then I would expect him to make my life easier for once and look after the dog, even if that involves coming home at night to do so.
"I think so many women don't go out much after they have their children, and think it is unreasonable that their DHs do go out. If it is your choice to not go out, then you are probably being a bit unreasonable."
That's all very well, but try walking in the shoes of a forces wife

QuintessentialShadow · 11/11/2008 09:46

But if you are coming home sat pm, when is the dog going to be alone? when is he going out? Saturday or friday?

If he is going out friday, and you are coming saturday, the dog wont be alone that long.

If he is going out saturday night, the dog wont be alone at all. I dont understand.

I give up