to think dh is being selfish

[shoptilidrop]

i think he is- but just need someone elses opion.
Dh is forces and he was going to be away this week and weekend, plans changed and he is how here. I had planned to go home ( just over and hour away) vist family and have my hair done. I was going to take my dog with me and dh wasnt go to be here. Seeing as he is now here, i said great, you can look after the dog, - who is not in the best of health having recently been diagnosed with hip displacia and the weekend would have really been a bit much for him. Dh said fine, then yesterday when i was booking the food shopping to be delivered onthe sat am, he said he wouldnt be here. I asked him why as he would need to be here to look after the dog, and he informed me he had plans to go out with friends in the next town and would be staying overnight to save taxi fares. I said what about the dog - to which he told me he would be ok, he would leave a light on and he wasnt going out till 10pm. So i said that if he wasnt going out till then when would he get back - he said he didnt know but would get a mate ( who i dont know) to pop in and let the dog out for a wee at lunchtime. I went mental at him, i think he is being totally selfish and a idiot. He then said that he would be in the pub at 10, so would in fact be leaving the house at about 8, but wouldnt admitt to the fact that he was trying to make me misunderstand. He said i was being selfish and trying to control him and that if the dog was in a kennel noone would be there at night ( dont know if this is true or not).
I am fuming at him, and not speaking to him. I never go out, i cannot think of more that 7 or so occassions since i had dd ( who is almost 3) that i have been out in a evening, - and im only going to my mothers! AIBU?

He wont share the work with you because he doesnt have to.

HE invites his parents for sunday lunch, and YOU chose to come home early to clean the house and cook for them.

DONT.

He will never share the load with you if you cant think him capable of offering lunch to his own parents. Stop running around him and do stuff.

Here is what you should do

Go to your parents, leave dog with him, make sure he has arranged for his friend to call in early Sunday to let the dog out, make sure he comes back Sat lunch time for shopping delivery.

Stay at your Mums till Sunday, as you planned, let him clean house and cook lunch for his parents.

Have a nice peaceful weekend at your mums and leave him to it.

He is going out on the friday night. He said he wont be home till later sat afternoon. I cant have the shopping delivered any other time as all the slots are booked up. I dont chose to come home early- really i have to - they are travelling 2 hours to visit all of us, inlcuding dd who they have not seen for 2 months. I would not be fair for me to not be here.
The dog is ill, he has serere hip displacia and is under the care of a vet - we are waiting for a referal for a replacment hip. My mum has a puppy this would make it very hard for my dog. and i was going to have to take about 3 stair gates with me for 1 nights stay to try to keep the dogs apart. It was going to be difficult. So i dont get why he just cant come home and pay £10 for a taxi.
I dont understand -

Drusilla, I did make the point that if it was circumstances that prevented it, then that was different.

I may not be a forces wife, but my DH works flaming long hours, and has a lot of evening commitments. I don't get to go out as often as I sometimes would like, but that's not all his fault. I could do more to organise alternative childcare if I REALLY wanted to.

I certainly would not get upset about him not wanting to give up a precious weekend off to look after the dog (hypothetical dog! - dont' have one), when an alternative was easily available.

But then again, I avoid making my appointments for the weekend because I would rather we spent that time together as a family.

I think its a difference in priorities. He just doesn't think that looking after the dog requires as much work as the OP does.

Vinegar - thats a great plan, but i would feel guilty as hell to not see his parents. They are travelling for 2 hours to see us, and we wont see them again till xmas. Also if anything happened to the dog _ some days he cant walk- i woiuld feel too guilty.

Have you asked him why he cant just come home in taxi? i do see your point and it would be far easier if he did just get a cab home. A little compromise is needed i think, tell him, look, i am cutting my weekend short for your parents coming, can you cut your visit to your friends house short to be there for the shopping and the dog?

Drusilla - thank you. i know you understand.
Its that pretty much 95% of your time revolves around dh and their needs ( courses, exercises, tours, what they need, when they will be away etc..) So you have to plan your life around that, and that means taking on most of the responsibility.
For one night in 10 years or something i want to be put first. I want him to share some of the responsibility. I dont see why that is so difficult, and why i have been flamed for that.

I cant really see why he cant just get a cab home either tbh

Yes i have, he said it will save money. Its only a tenner.
So this whole arguement has been caused for the sake of £10 - its petty.
And i still think hes being an arse. Maybe i am a cow??

Flamed? You asked if you were being unreasonable - some people said yes, some people said no, others said yes and no. YOU asked!

Perhaps you should have posted elsewhere if all you wanted was a moan.

Oh, and I'm not saying you dont' have a right to moan, by the way. But if you ask whether you are being unreasonable, you should really be prepared for some people to think you are.

tw - i too try to avoid making weekend plans so we can spend time together- its just that he can be away weekends just as often as weekdays. Also im staying my my mums and she works weekdays.
There really isnt any alternative childcare.
Ive just moved here,- i dont know anyone. Family are all between 2 to 4 hours away - what do you think i should do?

oh and vinegar - you are totally right. Its about comprimise, i do things to help him out, so he should for me. AND its his dog too. Im angry as its always me that has to comprimise - i dont get why he should have things easy and all his way - and i should be left to struggle with everything all of the time.

Shop - my family and my DHs family are on the other side of the world. I have just moved to another county - I do know where you are coming from. If I want childcare, I have to pay for it - haven't managed to sort anything out here yet. (Maybe I should spend less time on Mumsnet????!!)

My DH has absolutely no problem with spending the money on that so that's never an issue for us.

Oh, and I do sometimes send my DS out with my DH on a Saturday for a few hours, to get them both out of my hair, and to give them some much needed bonding time without mum around. However, there are times when my DH is so stressed from his work that I honestly don't think it's fair on DS to have to put up with his short temper.

But up until now you haven't talked about child care, you've talked about your dog. I personally don't think having someone check on your dog is a problem. But then again, I'm not really a dog person for the very reason that they need so much of your attention. Cats are much better, their independence suits me.

I'm assuming (correct me if I'm wrong) that this is just one event in a long list of things where your DH expects you to carry the respnsibility for things. On it's own, it's pretty much nothing, but for you, it could be the straw that breaks the camel's back. Only you know that.

Why don't you put the dog in kennels overnight then you can both do whatever it is you want to do and you would know that he being supervised? One night in kennels would probably cost the same as a taxi home for your DH and you've both had an evening out then. It sounds to me as you want him to come home because... and he wants to stop out because....

Re the lunch thing, it's up to you if you want to do the work or negotiate with your DH to share the load when you have guests.

good idea sally, - im just not sure i woiuld be ok with him in kennels at the momment. He is really quite ill with his hips.
He needs to have certain medication ( about 3 different types) and certain times of the day. If he doesnt get it he is in awful pain and cant stand up. I dont think a kennel would provide this level of care.

I dont mind doing the lunch/cooking etc.... i really dont. Thats why i am angry as im dont mind, so dh shouldnt mind helping me out. We are meant to be a family and work together.

Take the dog with you.
Don't go back early for the meal he has planned.
That way you both have to compromise.

shop, you haven't been flamed

if you ask a question in AIBU, you must be prepared for people to have differing pov

I answered you at the beginning to say I could see both sides, yours and DH's

however, I think the most unreasonable part is where you seem to think you have to cook/clean for his parents

at that point, I went shopping

oh shoptillyoudrop - I too am in your situation and its about NEVER normally being able to do as you wish isn't it??

Then when you do get the chance your dh stubborny refuses to do something that would just make your life easier on such a RARE night out.

Drusilla, I agree.

YANBU at all - you just want for once to come first instead of the Army (RN or RAF as you like) and your dh's needs. The hierarchy for those not married to some one in the Forces is as follows:
RN/Army/RAF first, second, third
Their (dh's) hobbies
dcs
partner

Having to constantly juggle your life around someone else's short notice trips/need for clean kit/drop offs/pick ups / unexpected evenings out/working late/working away/exercise/sea time/patrols/ missing Christmas/births/birthdays plus your own career and children is no joke. I can quite understand why you don't want to miss your weekend away and have someone look after you for a change.

Can you tell what my dh does for a living?!!

yes i can!
Thank you for that - i do feel better this morning. I was just so frustrated and annoyed yesterday. Dhs stubborness made it worse, then i couldnt understand why i was being called controlling and people felt sorry for my dh - wtf? that man has a pampered life i tell you. He wants for nothing. I constantly go out of my way for him and felt he was taking the piss to be honest. Anyway - all over now.

thank you everyone

shoptillidrop - have you tried posting in the Forces' section? You might find that you have more understanding there as there are issues in your OP which need the perspective of someone else in your shoes. I think the majority of people on here are not married to someone in the Armed Forces, and so wouldn't understand the specific issues of living in MQ's etc etc.

I don't think YABU by the way - I agree that a compromise is needed. Hope you've managed to sort it out with him.

that is trus suburban - in hindsight i should have posted there. I think its very specific to the forces. Any forces wife i think would know exacally how im feeling - most others would not really see what the fuss was about. Not their fault - just not living the same lifestyle.

I am going to post this - which i posted in answer to the thread in relationships ( i got all upset about being called controlling and for a few hours it made me question my whole marriage, i was really upset) hopefully it will make sense.

I cant believe this is still going - lol
Its all been resolved at home now. I feel a bit silly, dh has applogised lots. As you have said - it is not really about the dog. Its about the responsibility.
I know i am not controlling - i have realised this overnight. I constantly go out of my way for my dh. I always cancel my plans, and most of the time try to arrange them around him. This is the first time this year than i havent. Its a one off.

I am leaving on friday lunchtime, to spend some time with my mother - who is really upset that i have just moved so far away from her. Its about trying to keep her happy too. It will be nice to spend some time just my mum and me. Dh is more than welcome to come too - but realises how upset my mum was when i moved and that its important to reassure her. My hair appt is at 10am then next day - it will take about 3 hours then i will be leaving to come home. There is no point dh coming up after the hair appt.

• i had been with my dh for 2 years before we got married. - i supose in principle i agreed to the army lifestyle. BUT you dont really know what its like until you are in the thick of it. Its very hard to explain and its always me sacrificing everything - friends - jobs- houses - plans - time - birthdays - xmas- having to do everything on your own ALL the time. I have lived this way for 10 years now, so i know what its like and i rarely complain. Plans changing at a momments notice - i kid you not, once he got 40 mins notice that he was going to iraq. Luckly i worked near home so got home in time to say goodbye. It is very very rare that i put myself first - this is the first time this year. i was was very angry that he first accepted to help - then lied and changed the goal posts. We do try to spend as much time together as we can, dd has a lovely relationship with her daddy, but i think its also important for her to see her grandparents. Yes he has been away for 3 weeks and has been out for 3 nights this week. That was not seeing his mates - that was time he volunteers for the local army cadets - giving back to the community and giving his career a helping hand at the same time. I would rather he didnt do it sometimes as i would like to see him - but how selfish would i be ask him to stop, when he is doing it for the community.Its not always 3 nights a week - its usually just one, but he has been helping out other grouips and there has been special things for remembrance. I also found out yesterday that he is going to be away most of dec and jan. So my lovely xmas dress and shoes will have to be returned to the shop. Grandparents were looking forward to babysitting - that needs to be cancelled too. And i will be left organising the whole of xmas and dds birthay on my own. ( again)

So dh has apologised but what is happening with the dog??!?!?