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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

for not being able to stand or want to spend time with the MIL

54 replies

wahwah1270 · 10/11/2008 17:31

I,m sure I'm not alone but the MIL is rude obnoxious interfering treats DH like her baby and is inappropriately controling of him, she likes to spend time with DD and DH "her family" but barely tolerates me. I spent half the weekend (we had the pleasure of her copmpany) in tears and a nervous wreck and am still no calmer today. She tells Dh to do something and he instantly obeys her, she will take DD off on long walks without asking me, she thinks she knows best on everything, she tries to get DH on her own without me when normally weekends are our time and we do everything together cos we dont see much of each other in the week. I'm at breaking pint today, this happens every time we see her, should i say something to dh - i canbt stand much more of this.

OP posts:

RagingHormone · 10/11/2008 17:35

This is EVERY mother in law. I hope someone comes along and brings insight into why they do this. I'd like to know, and can't get my head around it.

nametaken · 10/11/2008 17:37

Is this happening in your house or hers? I ask because if its her house I'd be inclined to stay at home and let them get on with it and make the most of the peace and quiet.

If it's your home, I'm afraid she has to understand it's your rules. And to do a bit more than just "tolerate" you. Thats just bloody rude.

TheCrackFox · 10/11/2008 17:38

YANBU. My MIL is really quite lovely. DH is the youngest of 3 brothers so I suspect that MIL had a lot of practice before I came along.

poppy34 · 10/11/2008 17:39

think no point in saying anything to mil but do say something to dh about her interfering in your time together as a family and intervening with your dd.. there is an intersting thread on relationships about mil from hell if you've not seen it - heartening but also some good advice in tehre about separating what is abotu you/dp and you/badger like mil

poppy34 · 10/11/2008 17:39

Original poster

wahwah1270 · 10/11/2008 17:39

thank you, she makes me feellike i'm unreasonable and i'm on the verge of saying something to dh

OP posts:

spottyzebrahasthelurgy · 10/11/2008 17:40

my mil is lovely too. they are not all bad

wannaBe · 10/11/2008 17:42

not all MILs are bad.

But you need to speak to your dh about this. Ultimately she is his mother and he needs to stand up to her.

nametaken · 10/11/2008 17:48

I think I might know RagingHormone.

The problem is, the generation gap between us and our parents is huge. One of the biggest generation gaps ever. Both generations were raised in completely different environments and our MILs waited on their menfolk. For some reason, our MILs completely fail to recognise that we work full-time mostly and that we should do the same thing for their sons and they did for their husbands.

For example, many MIL complain that DIL hasn't sent out any thank you cards. Now, not only is that illogical, but they actually blame DIL for the fact that thank you letters aren't sent, EVEN THOUGH HER OWN SON HAS NEVER SENT OUT THANK YOU LETTERS TO ANYONE IN THE FIRST PLACE.

They never had an equal and balanced relationship with their own dhs and can't get their heads around the fact that we do. Some of them are apoplectic with rage if their DILs go out without their partners or don't cook them a dinner.

However, it won't be so bad with us and our DILs because the generation gap is much smaller. So, when my son gets married and I stop getting birthday cards, it's his bloody ear I'll chew off, not hers.

leonifay · 10/11/2008 18:09

my mil took 'her family' to belgium for a week so they ould spend quality time together...did i mention this wsa 3 weeks after me and dh got married and i was left at home??

if its getting you down to the point of tears and a nervous wreck talk to your dh. tell him things need to change!

angel1976 · 10/11/2008 21:27

You are your DD's MOTHER so you hold all the power in this relationship. Do you realise that? One of my friends whose MIL never liked her because she was of a different ethnicity from her DH and they never got married. However, she said when the children came along, she could do no wrong as her MIL was smart enough to realise that she holds the key to her relationship with her GC!

My MIL is really quite nice BUT she can be controlling and wants things done her way. Also when she is with DS, it's as if I don't exist, she carries him, she feeds him, she plays with him... I'm not complaining as it gives me time to myself! However, you need DH on your side. His loyalty should be with you and not his mother first of all. When my MIL was really interfering in the first couple of months, DH and I made the decision to distance ourselves from the ILs as our relationship was very strained and their interference really did not help. It was self-preservation. They got the drift and in the end, we had a very civil discussion and since then, things have been much better. I still have to put up with some snide remarks thrown my way but overall, I am much happier but I couldn't have done it with DH's support. It is his parents and I find it's a lot easier for him to deal with them IYKWIM.

Troutpout · 10/11/2008 21:30

Yes you need to talk to your dh about it. yanbu ..it sounds horrid

Greensleeves · 10/11/2008 21:33

You sound as though you need a glass of wine and a warm bath, you sound totally upset and over wound

Agree talk to your dh. But try and do it neutrally, as in "we're the adults" - don't fall into the trap of setting yourself up as a rival "controlling mother" in his life - that make just make him whinge and sit on the fence (IME). You're not going mad, she is being really difficult - be firm but pleasant with them both, if you can!

LadyGlencoraPalliser · 10/11/2008 21:36

I think I finally had it with MIL a couple of years ago when we were invited to lunch there with SIL and BIL - only to discover that I was expected to eat in the kitchen with my children while the adults (and SIL's small baby) ate in the dining room. MIL refused to back down even when DH insisted on joining me in the kitchen. I think she was afraid the children would be messy, but they are extremely well-behaved children with excellent table manners and social skills as she would know if she ever paid the slightest bit of attention to them. Now I try to zone out and cultivate an air of zen-like calm for the sake of DH and the children. It doesn't always work but it helps.

TheFallenMadonna · 10/11/2008 21:46

How often do you see her? My MIL and I have issues, but we only see her every six weeks or so, so I bite my tongue and get on with it really.

SummerC · 10/11/2008 21:46

YANBU YANBU YANBU!!!!

MILs ought to be banned. Mine isn't controlling, but she is a weak, snivelling woman who drives me to distraction. She made some mistakes with her kids, but if I have to listen to her moan about her past one more time, I may just stab myself in the head with a fork!!

I cannot abide weak, moaning, guilt-inducing women. Arrghhh!!

lou33 · 10/11/2008 21:48

i banned mine form getting in touch with myself or my kids 6 yrs ago (when i was still with now exh), after a stand up row at gatwick airport, in which i called her a poisonous witch

was very liberating

pudding25 · 10/11/2008 21:56

OMG, some of these MILs sound absolutely horrific. Mine is pretty great and when she annoys me, either I tell her or DH tells her to stop it.

OP -you need to speak to your DH and he needs to sort it out with you mil.

leonifay don't tell me that your DH went on holiday and left you at home????

AbbeyA · 10/11/2008 22:19

This is not EVERY MIL!

SummerC · 10/11/2008 22:20

AbbeyA - would you mind sending your MIL around to meet mine?

chipmonkey · 10/11/2008 22:29

I changed my name on here once to MyMILisDoloresUmbridge! Mine does this veiled criticism thing all the time. When I had just had ds1, I was back at work very quickly and had a hell of a commute. I was FT in work his nursery didn't provide food for babies so a lot of the time he got Heinz jars. Well, she went on and on about how she used to cook fresh food for her babies and never gave them a jar of anything! My GP also gave me a hard time about it so I ended up then on occasion staying up till 2am cooking stews for him to freeze
Roll on years later, I was much more organised and ds3 always had home-cooked food. To which FIL said. "You go to a lot of trouble. MIL used to give them those jars......"

AbbeyA · 10/11/2008 22:41

All mothers of boys are not horrible!

clam · 10/11/2008 22:50

I don't doubt that some of you have been unlucky with your MILs. But I feel I must speak up for them as a general race - mine was an absolute love, and made my life with young children immeasurably better. She lived 2 minutes away, but would never call without notice or being invited. We had an agreement that if she could help, she would, and if not, she'd say so. Even so, she would frequently forego her own activities to help us if we were stuck.

Sadly, she died 18 months ago, and it was the saddest day of my life. I miss her still.

snickersnack · 10/11/2008 22:55

Am at eating in the kitchen and going on holiday without you.

I find much of my MIL's behaviour strange, but no more so than my own mother's behaviour. Nothing to do with her being my MIL. She is lovely, by and large, and all her idiosyncrasies are nothing compared to her love for her children and grandchildren.

So I agree with AbbeyA - some MILs are great. I hope I am as lucky with my DILs as I've been with my MIL.

colacubes · 10/11/2008 23:14

My MIL is just as crazy, I have no insight why some are like this, but it seems its the majority than the minority. My MIL has told me my dp is the love of her life!! and she would text the house on a sunday morning, wakeing us, with a message that would say. I love You My Billy!!! Wtf, she is a complete tapper, and i avoid her like the plague, my dp is somehow drawn to her toxic self like a moth to a flame, makes no sense.

All you can do is either, fight her head on, or accept that she is nuts and you have better things to do with your life, thats what i do now, i avoid her they go to see her, i have a bath, read, do my nails, tidy up, anything that makes me happy.

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