for not being able to stand or want to spend time with the MIL

[wahwah1270]

I,m sure I'm not alone but the MIL is rude obnoxious interfering treats DH like her baby and is inappropriately controling of him, she likes to spend time with DD and DH "her family" but barely tolerates me. I spent half the weekend (we had the pleasure of her copmpany) in tears and a nervous wreck and am still no calmer today. She tells Dh to do something and he instantly obeys her, she will take DD off on long walks without asking me, she thinks she knows best on everything, she tries to get DH on her own without me when normally weekends are our time and we do everything together cos we dont see much of each other in the week. I'm at breaking pint today, this happens every time we see her, should i say something to dh - i canbt stand much more of this.

I think that you will find that some MNetters will be like that in future colacubes-they ought to take note!!
They control every aspect of their DCs lives and I think a fair proportion are going to be unable to let go!
If they have problems letting their DC stay with a grandparent or go on a school trip or even travel in another mother's car, they may find it difficult to stop their possessive behaviour by the time he comes to finding a partner.
I will put my tin hat on and run for cover!!
I stand up for MIL in general, but there is no doubt that some DIL have to cope with impossible ones!

My MIL used to be a real cow and possibly still is but I've just zoned out. Things she did in the past were she never used to speak to me at all, addressed all comments to me through DH (still does actually, just goes over my head these days) so when she used to come and visit for days on end, I used to volunteer for overtime at work so would leave the house at 7.00 am and not get back till midnight rather than be ignored by guests in my own home, she told my DH that I was having an affair. I once overheard her saying to DS1 when he was about 3 I'm so glad you're blonde and not dark like her. She tried her utmost to break us up and to be honest she started having less of an impact on us when I banned her from our house, if DH wanted to see her he went by himself. Even today if she rings the house and I answer the phone she'll put the phone down so she doesn't have to speak to me.

When the DC's were born if the inlaws visited us they had to stay in a B&B and we visited them on my terms, so always leave just after tea as have a 2 hour drive home, but she still directs all comments through my DH, always gathers her family around her in a room that I'm not in and excludes me from everything. So these days I let her get on with handling two boisterous DS's, I just sit back with the book I strategically packed in my bag and view it as a day off.

I am always very envious of people who have good relationships with their inlaws and at the beginning I took her behaviour very personally, it took me years to realise she was bonkers. I've just taken it as a lesson to myself for when my boys are older to treat their partners etc with respect.

How awful wahwah - tell your dh to say no to the long walks as your dd is also YOUR dd.

Good post walkingthedinosaur

Gosh, I'm lucky I've got one of the good ones. She actually pulls DH into line when he needs it. He asked her if she would come and help when DS was born. Her reply? Not up to you my boy, your wife is having the baby, it's up to her who she wants to have around.

tw70 - I am impressed with your inlaw! Wow, she ought to start some serious parenting / grnadparenting classes!

Some really nasty experiences on here. My MIL is actually nice.

When DD was first born (she is 10 months now) I had a lot of issues with both my mum and MIL as I felt that they both undermined me. I needed to learn about motherhood myself and make my own mistakes, and I felt judged by them both. I still do but have learnt to not be so bothered.

I would say let them treat their boys how they like but step in when its about their grandchildren, your chidren.

My MIL (and mum) always ask me (rather than DH) whether they can do something with DD. They just realise how it works, for now. I am the one who spends every day with DD so I get to say how it is, what she needs etc, until she is old enough to express herself.

Was thinking the same as AbbeyA. That will be some of us in years to come.

But for the record, my MIL is absolutely lovely. But then I believe she was a relaxed and sensible mother when dh was little, so that's just who she is. I do try to learn from her, and am very happy to see that dd has inherited some of her charm and confidence in getting on with people.

From the various threads on this subject that I've read here, it seems like mothers-in-law are like the little girl with the curl right in the middle of her forehead - when they are good, they are very very good, but when they are bad, they are HORRID!!!

Yeah its helpful if you try to imagine how they must be feel about their DS, because thats how you will feel about your DC.

It is tough at times but without them your DP wouldnt be here.

I have to say this is why I am delighted I have girls, my Son in Laws only have to have my girl happy and that's good enough for me, I could care less what he feeds the DGC.
From what I can gather the mother/son relationship seems rather intense.

I would bet tw70 and clam that your MIL were relaxed mothers and not controlling every aspect of your DHs life! If a mother won't give independence to a 10 yr old they are going to find it difficult to welcome a DIL that they didn't choose!!

Am wincing at the contempt for the text saying 'I love you'. I'm sure that in context it was annoying....but I'm not going to stop loving my ds just because he's a grown up.

I have lots of issues with my MIL she found it very hard to let go off her little boy ,she asked for a blood test with my first pg even though there was no issue of paternity at all and she had known me since I was 3 .
She completley misbehaved when our baby passed away 10 years ago and then told people at the funeral that she had looked after the baby for 5 weeks because I couldn't cope my dd had never slept out or even been to mils house .
She has told my ds that he would be better off in a foster home and has accused me of not feeding her precious son and that I am cruel making him work full time because he gets tired easily !
TBH we do not see a lot of her anymore and dp understands the term toxic parents ,the way I see it even through all the shit she has done me 2 massive favours

1. I would not have my lovely family if it wasn't for her

2. I know how not to behave when my dc grow up and have families if their own and that is all thanks to her .

Sadly she is a contol freak Fiveplusbump-unless you were her choice you were doomed from the start! I expect you could predict it from her behaviour throughout his childhood.

Oh yes she was a loon when we were children we were neighbours and our mums were friends .
She would take pretend overdoses in front of her dc and go into violent rages over nothing ,she was also a compulsive liar IE someone bumped into her while she was shopping by the time she got home she would have been mugged at knive point iyswin ? .

You were very brave then to marry her DS! Fiveplusbump!

Mines just weird

He takes after his Dad he needed rescuing and I was his knight in shining armour lol !

She was always quite nice to me before I got pg though .

Won't say much about my MIL as walls have ears but she was shockingly bad to me, but thankfully DH stood up for me. But then she can be terrible to others, so I wasn't the only one IYSWIM.

We are amicable now for DD's and DH's sake, hope it continues as such...I hope I won't be a controlling MIL when the time comes.

You don't have to spend time with her do you? If you choose not to though then surely this means she will be spending more time with your DH without you and possibly with your daughter?

"You are your DD's MOTHER so you hold all the power in this relationship".

What a sad way of looking at it. Remember one day you will probably be a MIL - will you feel powerless then?

My SIL ( by SIL, I mean married to dh's brother so we share a MIL!) remembers MIL coming to visit when her ds was newborn, and giving BIL and SIL a bollocking because the baby had a sore bum and then demanding that SIL go and look for the nail scissors that minute so she could cut the baby's nails. SIL burst into tears upstairs and BIL hugged her and said "Don't mind her, she does it to chipmonkey too!"

I think wahwah came on here looking for some specific advice and help so lets get the thread back to that, shall we, and less of the "they're not all bad" stuff - that is not going to help wahwah at this time.

My tuppence worth would be you definitely need to discuss how much this is upsetting you with your dh as soon as possible - can he not see what MIL is doing? does he not recognise you are upset? or is he playing for the quiet life and hoping to stay out of a possible scene? You need to let him know how you feel, that you should be his top priority now, not his mum, and that you need his full support in tackling this together. I really hope he helps you with this, united you stand, divided you fall!

How often do you see her? could you reduce this for a while to give you some breathing space? I hope you find strength to get this sorted before it gets any worse.

YANBU at all. Imagine if she was not your mother in law but your sister or your mother or a friend or anyone. Her behaviour would still be unbearable and utterly unacceptable. It's not to do with the relationship, it's to do with the behaviour, which is cruel and damaging to your relationship with your child and your husband.

Do not tolerate this. Set down rules. If you need to have a row, have a row. You need to assert yourself and it will give you a great sense of freedom and confidence.

This isn't about aren't all mils horrible -- it's about how this woman is being unpleasant and unkind to you. You shouldn't spend any more time with her than you absolutely have to or you could end up feeling quite depressed.