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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to not want DH to go on stag weekend?

75 replies

moimoimoi · 10/11/2008 15:03

DH's friend is getting married next year and they are all wanting to go to Benidorm for a weekend for the stag weekend.

AIBU in not wanting him to go? Reasons being:

1, we have a 9 month old
2, i have (mild) disabilities, meaning I can't be alone at night and would need to stay with my parents to get help with dd and my parents are p*ssed as they don't want to babysit their adult daughter.
3, he went to benidorm and london last year for a stag weekends, whilst I was pregnant/had a newborn.
4, he went to prague for his stag weekend 3 years ago.

I just think, why not have a stag night or something HERE? His friend also wants him to go to cyprus for the wedding.

He is now saying I won't let him have a social life (not true, don't mind him going out occassionally), I'm embarrasing him as he will be the only one not going (he is the only father in the group, and one of only 2 who are married - 20 guys are going).

He is now refusing to go down south with me and dd to visit a friend next year. As in, why should I do something with friends if he cant?

So thoughts and support appreciated.

OP posts:
themildmanneredsnotmonster · 10/11/2008 15:04

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

TurkeyLurkey · 10/11/2008 15:05

Have you got any friends you haven't seen for a while that would want to come and stay with you for the weekend he is away?

expatinscotland · 10/11/2008 15:05

he's being a git.

he's a dad now, not a teen.

i think these stag do's away from home are pissing money up a wall.

i wouldn't go off on a hen spree like that and leave my husband holding the baby, so i fail to see why he'd do the same to me.

AstroPup · 10/11/2008 15:07

He is an adult. YABU.

Ivvvvyygootscaaared444 · 10/11/2008 15:07

he is acting like a spoilt child - you can#t go cos I can't go nah anh.

Tell him to grow up and realise that he has responsabilities, therefore stag does are going to end up restricted to local events.

As a family going away to see friends is part of social lie when you have babies.

YANBU

Ivvvvyygootscaaared444 · 10/11/2008 15:08

soory - social life not lie...

VinegarTits · 10/11/2008 15:09

YABU its only for one weekend

TurkeyLurkey · 10/11/2008 15:09

I went away for a week with friends when my DD was 10 months old though, leaving her with her Dad. I don't really have any right to say YANBU bearing that in mind.

Original poster
moimoimoi · 10/11/2008 15:10

thanks all, I don't see why friends should stay with me, my husband should stay with me. i dont' have that many friends (something he uses against me in arguments), my best friend has been in hospital (and has disabilities too so couldnt' really help) and other friends live too far away.

OP posts:
TurkeyLurkey · 10/11/2008 15:12

But he is an adult. I think YABU, sorry.

roobarbschmoobarb · 10/11/2008 15:12

I think YABU based on reasons 1,3 and 4 - also because it wouldnt bother me in the slightest and i've been in the same position several times over the past 2 years.

If your objection was purely that you would need help in his absence and no-one was willing to provide that help but he was willing to go regardless then i would say YANBU

flowerybeanbag · 10/11/2008 15:12

Sounds as though he's being a bit childish about seeing your friend, but I also think you are being a bit unreasonable to try and stop him going on a stag weekend. Yes maybe it would be better if it was a stag evening out locally, but he doesn't get to make that call.

I think you should let him go as long as you can find someone who is willing and able to help you.

I also think he should come with you to visit your friend.

AstroPup · 10/11/2008 15:13

1, we have a 9 month old
-Make sure that you also have time away to do nice things, neither of you stop being individuals when a baby arrives. Becoming a family shou;ldn't be so miserable.
2, i have (mild) disabilities, meaning I can't be alone at night and would need to stay with my parents to get help with dd and my parents are p*ssed as they don't want to babysit their adult daughter.
-Far deeper issues here than your DH, and if he is, in effect, your carer then a bit of time away is probably a good idea. Speak to your family, hopefully they do not feel as negatively as you think.
3, he went to benidorm and london last year for a stag weekends, whilst I was pregnant/had a newborn.

  • 2 wknds last year, I honestly dont see how that is alot, though his timing could have been better! 4, he went to prague for his stag weekend 3 years ago.
  • ok..........
VinegarTits · 10/11/2008 15:13

So he is not allowed to be away from you for a weekend, seems harsh. Agree, he is an adult and yabu.

alicet · 10/11/2008 15:16

I think YABU to object to him going for a weekend away IF you can find a solution that means you are able to manage. I think it is reasonable to look into as many options as you can to enable him to go (your parents staying / you staying with your parents / a close friend staying etc) as I think it is important that both you and your dh have opportunities to do things for yourself from time to time.

If you genuninely can't find a way that he can go (and without knowing what your disabilities are its very difficult to know if suggesting things like pil or friends help is appropriate) then he has to suck it up. He would be very unreasonable to go in this situation. But I think you should try and facilitate it if you can. Then take your turn going away for a weekend without him and your dd another time

Tortington · 10/11/2008 15:16

i think you need to have some fun things for you - do you?

don;t let him have all the fun.

usually i would say - its fine so what?

but your disabilities muddy the water for me, as your dh has to not only consider your needs and his childs needs but also that of his PIL

so in this situation it would seem unreasonable, and i think that his friends - would think of this, i would like to think that my dh would think of the eeds of his friends before organising such things

harleyd · 10/11/2008 15:16

yabu

Original poster
moimoimoi · 10/11/2008 15:28

allow me to clarify:

dd would be in danger if I was left alone with her. I would not be able to go to her if she needed me at night (and she wakes a lot). I am profoundly deaf and visually impaired. yes there are equipment I can use but they have failed in the past and I do not want to rely on them alone.

my mother helps me a lot whilst dh works, she thinks he is now taking the P. She also helps my frail grandmother. She has stayed with me or let me stay with her in the past when dh goes away, but has refused this time. He plans to go regardless. My sister lives abroad and my PILs have only one bedroom.

DH moans if I go out anywhere (very rarely) as he's 'tired' from work and does not want to babysit.

OP posts:
BarbieLovesKen · 10/11/2008 15:30

sorry, didnt read all, YANBU - hes being an arse!!

Original poster
moimoimoi · 10/11/2008 15:30

sorry, I also forgot to mention that we are £10,000 in debt but he can afford to go away with friends for a weekend.

He says we 'can't afford' a family holiday next year and spoiled our holiday this year (paid for by my parents!!) by moaning about the cost. yet he went on two stag weekends last year.

OP posts:
VinegarTits · 10/11/2008 15:39

Well after reading your last 2 posts, YANBU, he is being a selfish twat.

But at yet another drip feed thread, should have just said in your op, these 2 lines:

  • We are £10,00 in debt
  • He moans if i want to go anywhere

Would have got you a 'YANBU' from me in the first place, i can only go on the info you give initially, so dont flame me.

roobarbschmoobarb · 10/11/2008 15:44

What Vinegartits said

Flibbertyjibbet · 10/11/2008 15:50

From your latest posts I would say he is being a twerp and yanbu.

But, I feel I must ask...

Is there some kind of competition on this afternoon for drip feeding threads, cos I've just come from another one.

mayorquimby · 10/11/2008 15:50

i think yabu, he's an adult. if you can afford to go and visit your friends down south later in the year and it is ok for you to have a holiday with your friend why is it out of order for him to do the same.
would everyone be reacting the same if the word "stag" had not appeared anywhere?

nametaken · 10/11/2008 15:53

It's easier to reply now you've clarified. Obviously you can't be on your own and your parents are fed up of doing it leaving you with 2 choices:

  1. Your dh doesn't go to every event he's invited to, maybe he goes to half. That way your parents can help but they won't feel put upon.
  1. His parents come to stay and help - especially if he's the one who is going away on a stag do. Would they be willing.

How come your dd is in danger if left alone with you? Surely your mother doesn't arrive the second he goes to work. As far as I can see the real problem is you won't be able to hear the baby cry in the night. However if she 9 months old now how old will she be at the time of the stag event? Certainly old enough to sleep through and, as she won't be waking with hunger that age then she won't suffering terrible deprevation if she wakes up and cries in the night.

To be honest, I don't think either of YABU, - could it be nerves and lack of confidence because you've never been in charge of baby alone?

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