to not want DH to go on stag weekend?

[moimoimoi]

DH's friend is getting married next year and they are all wanting to go to Benidorm for a weekend for the stag weekend.

AIBU in not wanting him to go? Reasons being:

1, we have a 9 month old
2, i have (mild) disabilities, meaning I can't be alone at night and would need to stay with my parents to get help with dd and my parents are p*ssed as they don't want to babysit their adult daughter.
3, he went to benidorm and london last year for a stag weekends, whilst I was pregnant/had a newborn.
4, he went to prague for his stag weekend 3 years ago.

I just think, why not have a stag night or something HERE? His friend also wants him to go to cyprus for the wedding.

He is now saying I won't let him have a social life (not true, don't mind him going out occassionally), I'm embarrasing him as he will be the only one not going (he is the only father in the group, and one of only 2 who are married - 20 guys are going).

He is now refusing to go down south with me and dd to visit a friend next year. As in, why should I do something with friends if he cant?

So thoughts and support appreciated.

In your first post YABU, everyone needs time away and I dont think one weekend is a lot to ask.

Do you mind me asking if youre struggling to pay the debt? If not then I still cant see a problem, we have a mortgage, and a car loan each but we pay every month and still enjoy ourselves, life would be unbearable if we didnt go anywhere because we had a car loan!!
If you are struggling then YANBU.

Oh, I see you haven't had a family holiday. In that case YANBU - he is a tosser.

I agree with others comments about drip feeding threads being very annoying - think we are on the same ones!

In your circumstances YANBU. But how about you go with your dd and stay with the friend you are planning to see the same weekend as the stag do?

Of course that doesn't cover the debt issue. DH and I have our own accounts for stuff like this that we do on our own though so we don't have to justify how we spend our own money on things we like to do. Vast majority of both salaries to joint account for combined and work expenses and small amount each month for ourselves (same for each of us not affected by our own income). That would help this wouldn't it?

sorry for the drip feeding thread, i should have mentioned the debt thing etc at the start, baby is napping now so easier to put everything down!

DH's stag weekend will cost a few hundred, I think, plus drinking money. My trip to see my friend won't cost me accomodation/food, just petrol really. Plus dd and DH would be coming with me, I can't go on holiday by myself/travel by myself but even if I could, I wouldn't.

Bacuase you wouldn't CHOOSE to go away on your own doesn't mean that your dh shoulnd't be allowed to? I have many less nights and weekends away than my dh because I am not that bothered about it either but it would be unfair to not let him when that is my choice.

Your disability does make things more difficult but then maybe he feels he deserves a break as he has to look after not just dd but also you all the time.

I'm playing devils advocate a bit here to try and help you understand where he is coming from. I really can understand you being unhappy with this situation. And if he genuinely is going regardless then he is an arse of the highest order.

nametaken -

1. He has a night with the boys about once a month, he has 3 nights out at xmas coming up and my mum has agreed to stay with me then. She also stayed with me back in May when DH went to benidorm for a stag weekend and I stayed at her's in July when he went to London for a stag weekend. Once a week, he works night shift so I stay with my mum. (oops, I'm drip feeding again sorry sorry I'm new to MN)

1. yes the main problem is not hearing dd at night, she wakes about 5 times a night, she doesn't want a bottle, she just wakes, and if we try leaving her to settle herself it doesn't work and she usually ends up screaming for us. I don't see it getting any better next summer! I've been alone with her during the day as I can see her/check on her, but at night time it's just too dangerous.

3, MIL likes to tell me I should never have had dd due to my disabilities so I'm reluctant to ask her for help. Plus she works full time and has refused to watch dd in the past due to this.

yep he's saying he's going regardless.

I wouldn't call him my 'carer', it's just at night time I need his help. If he went out in the evenings with his mates, that would be okay, but all night, I couldn't manage alone.

Paying the debts - can just about manage, if we are careful (cutting back on meals out, takeaways, cinema trips and holidays!!!)

I'm in two minds about this. I know you have a disability, and your DH needs to limit his activities somewhat to take this into account. BUT.... these stag parties seem to be all the rage (don't get it myeself, but hey ho..) and he does want to go.

To NEVER expect him to go away without you is unreasonable. Twice a year doesn't seem that much. Why does he need to go with you to see your friend?

There are ways around this. Why don't you add to the cost of the weekend a night nanny/babysitter or something. Tell your DH that this cost needs to be included in the costings of any trip he makes, and needs to be PAID FIRST. That way your child is safe, and you are not imposing on your parents/friends.

Being in debt doesn't mean never having a break, unless the debt is leaving you without any spare cash at all.

I guess overall, I would have to come down on the YABU side.

Have you never spent a night on your own in the whole time you have been with your OH? Did he make a commitment to being there with you all the time?

I think YABU to be honest.

Though the money thing would worry me.

A nightnanny / paid babysitter is a very good solution. We have got girls from my ds's nursery to babysit before although not at night - is this an option? If money is an issue perhaps this is not easy though...

Another thing is that if its not until next summer you have a long time to try and address her sleeping - she will almost certainly be much better then but I understand you cannot rely totally on this.

And I stand by the fact that if he is going regardless of you being unhappy to be alone then thats really unreasonable of him.

Why does he need to go with you to see your friend? UH, THOUGHT THIS WAS OBVIOUS? I CAN'T HEAR FIRE ALARMS, BURGLAR ALARMS, TELEPHONE'S, TRAIN STATION ANNOUNCEMENTS, CAN'T SEE TRAIN STATION NAMES CLEARLY, HEAR OR SEE PROPERLY CARS COMING...???

Why don't you add to the cost of the weekend a night nanny/babysitter or something. WE ARE TRYING TO WATCH OUR MONEY! THE BANK IS ALWAYS ON THE PHONE, WE CAN MANAGE IF DH IS CAREFUL, WHICH HE IS NOT, HE JUST SPENDS LIKE AN IDIOT.

AND NO, HAVEN'T SPENT A NIGHT ON MY OWN WITHOUT DH BECAUSE I CAN'T!!!

(SORRY FOR CAPITALS, WAS TRYING TO SEPARATE MY WORDS FROM YOUR POSTINGS)

moimoi, you need to get your daughters sleep pattern organised - have you spoken to your gp, social worker or health visitor about it. They may be able to advise in this area. But as I said before, IF she wakes in the night and cries, she won't be physically harmed.

Your MIL sounds horrible. Have you or dp got any siblings.

he obviously IS responsile foe you alot more than you say if he HAS to accompany you because of your disabilities....

however he knew this when he married you and had a child with you so HE should come up with a solution to the problem of you being unable to cope without him when he wants some time off

So did he go to Benidorm last year or this May because you dont seem to know which??

Do you have any friends that could come and spend the night with you when dh is away. Or could your dh drive you to your friends house before he goes away on the stag doo?

Why is the bank on the phone when youre managing your repayments?? Sounds a bit naughty Id tell them to naff off.

You are drip feeding horrendously on this thread which is not helping your argument sorry.

Also you need to tackle the sleeping thing with your dd. Do you really not see it getting any better in a year? Have you tried controlled crying, dream feeding etc? You shouldnt be woken up 5 times a night at this stage really, just trying to think of things to make your life easier.

I'd second mosschops suggestions to try and help your dd's sleeping.

And actualy if your dd wakes screaming every night about 5 times and becuase of you being profoundly deaf you don't wake up I'm actually not surprised your dh wants to go away for a couple of nights!

How do/ would you cope if DH was ill, or had to take an urgent trip at short notice?

The thing is, you have ages to plan in advance for this stag do, and although you clearly rely on each other wouldn't it be good to know that if absolutely necessary, you can cope with the LO without him if need be?

I do sympathise but a couple of weekends a year don't seem unreasonable to me, and I'd worry that he might feel trapped or resentful if he can't go. Not good for the long term.

I think you have bigger issues than your DH wanting to go away for a weekend. His going away is just a symptom, your problem goes WAY deeper. If you've got the bank ringing you then you (I say you loosely here) are NOT managing your money.

I think you need to get these problems sorted sharpish. See a counsellor, debt counsellor, somebody, anybody. But you do need help.

it was may 2008 he went to benidorm, I say 'last year' because it's past, sorry.

I have tried CC, dream feeding...honestly, I have tried everything

my sis lives abroad, my BIL has a kid, most of my friends have kids (except the one who's also disabled) and I honestly doubt they'd want to leave their kids to look after me

If dh was ill or what, then my parents would definitely help, but my parents feel he is taking the P as my mum helps us a lot, helps my grandmother, stays over whenever he has a night out or what, and will be minding dd when I return to work part time (my employer is VERY disability friendly, I have a buddy in work who helps me a lot, lots of disability equipment).

I have to sign off now, thanks for help given so far.

moimoimoi ummm your mum should help you and surely is helping you whilst your husband is at work?

I am on the fence on this as I can see why he might want a break, Minus the debt is there no way his parents can't stay with you for a couple of days or a friend.

If it was the other way round would he let you go?

So why not plan the weekend at your friends the same weekend as the stag do he can take you down there and go off and you can enjoy some time with your friend.

Could your DD sleep in the bed with you? Perhaps this way she would be able to wake you up even if you couldn't hear her? Or not? I'm sorry if this is totally off beam as I'm not used to dealing with your issues but maybe you would feel her wake and move around even if you can't hear? Who cares for DD on a day to day basis? How do you deal with her waking up in the day? If your DH is essentially your carer, is it possible to access respite care in some way?

YANBU because you are £10,000 in debt, but if you weren't then I think a stag weekend once a year is perfectly reasonable, even given that you would need to get help to manage with DD.

I think he is BU as he has a family unlike the other people going so his commitments should come first.

I have to say you keep saying that your mum is there to look after you, Yet the care you descrbe is for your dd. I would suggest that a sleeping babysitter/ nght nanny would be a good suggestion, if you do not let your dh go he is going to feel pressured and controlled, not a good feeling for a relationship especially one where there is obviously a level of dependancy, anyway (sorry if being too blunt).

Yes the babysitter will cost money but it may also be a marriage saver, removing presure from you mum and your dh, improving relations all round. Maybe if you have time advertise locally for someone who would be a backstop in emergency situations nights out for you and dh rather than your mum, ( agencies may cost more). A more mature lady with grandchildren may be ideal!

I also think you're allowing your mum to cloud your judgement a little, 1 night out a month and a couple of weekends add up to approximately 16 nights a year ( 16 out of 364 really isn't very much), It's not like he plays football twice a week and then drinking veryweekend after a match, yes he has responsibilities but it's a fine line between that and shackles!

I also think that letting him go is on the proviso that you and he sit down and have vvv serious discussions about finances, family holidays and what exactly is budgeted for do you and he have jopint acoounts with small amounts of "play money" for each, or is it all from one pot?
(as this problem will reappear with the cyprus wedding.... if you're invited family holiday potential with belt tightening?)

Good Luck whatever you choose to do