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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to not want DH to go on stag weekend?

75 replies

moimoimoi · 10/11/2008 15:03

DH's friend is getting married next year and they are all wanting to go to Benidorm for a weekend for the stag weekend.

AIBU in not wanting him to go? Reasons being:

1, we have a 9 month old
2, i have (mild) disabilities, meaning I can't be alone at night and would need to stay with my parents to get help with dd and my parents are p*ssed as they don't want to babysit their adult daughter.
3, he went to benidorm and london last year for a stag weekends, whilst I was pregnant/had a newborn.
4, he went to prague for his stag weekend 3 years ago.

I just think, why not have a stag night or something HERE? His friend also wants him to go to cyprus for the wedding.

He is now saying I won't let him have a social life (not true, don't mind him going out occassionally), I'm embarrasing him as he will be the only one not going (he is the only father in the group, and one of only 2 who are married - 20 guys are going).

He is now refusing to go down south with me and dd to visit a friend next year. As in, why should I do something with friends if he cant?

So thoughts and support appreciated.

OP posts:

mum2niamh · 10/11/2008 18:48

thanks for all advice, especially from those who are trying to see both sides.

He came home, announced he'd paid for it, he was going regardless of what I wanted. If I didn't like it, too f*cking bad and that his mum thinks he should leave 'permanently'.

my mum is raging, drove up to his parents, I have NO idea what she's saying (she has a helluva temper - sometimes a good thing, sometimes not)

I am going to speak to my HV about the sleep thing, I have also heard SW can fund special equipment so I'm gonna see if I can get something better to help me at home.

I have tried putting her in bed with me, she hates it! cries etc. So can't do that!

nametaken · 10/11/2008 19:18

mum2niamh did you know you changed your name throughout the thread? Was it deliberate.

You both need to resolve your issues without running to your parents, sorry, but that's just childish, disabled or not.

mum2niamh · 10/11/2008 19:21

yeah, in case DH saw the thread. oops!

aGalChangedHerName · 10/11/2008 19:30

Gosh he sounds lovely (not) and so does his mother. How often does his family help out? If he wants to go and do his own stuff which i would have no objection to,he needs to make sure dd is "safe" first no?

Before paying for it i would have expected him to first sort out his family to come and stay and help.

The money thing would fuck me right off tbh. There is a huge difference between spending money on food/petrol and going on a bloody stag weekend.

DH has just cancelled his golf membership and me my gym membership because we are skint. There is no way we would decide to go on a stag/hen night atm.

mum2niamh · 10/11/2008 19:42

see, I've cut back a lot but dh (who accumulated all the debt over the years) isn't making that much effort!

babyinacorner · 10/11/2008 19:43

Think yanbu - he sounds quite selfish.

aGalChangedHerName · 10/11/2008 19:58

DH wasn't all that keen on cancelling the golf but did after a good talking to. It's an utterly selfish/stupid thing to do imo to go on a boys jolly when there is 10 grands worth of debt to worry about.

Hope you get this resolved xxx

Ineedmorechocolatenow · 10/11/2008 20:08

It all sounds a lot more complicated than your initial thread suggested. I was going to say that he wasn't being unreasonable to want a night out. But the fact that you are in debt, and that he spends money like water and that he's coming out with CRAP like 'mum thinks I should leave permanently'.... YANBU!

Let us know what the fall-out from your mum's confrontation was.....

georgimama · 10/11/2008 20:12

I'm amazed people think that YABU (and I am very quick to tell people that they are). Even on your first post your DH just sounded like being "one of the boys" was more important to him.

What an arse.

mum2niamh · 10/11/2008 20:32

well, mum spoke to his parents, they think I'm wierd, don't understand why I don't like them, think dh should leave me...

mum outlined my issues with them, said DH was being unreasonable, he is immature and detailed some of the lies and stupid made up stuff he comes out with sometimes.

mum explained she had planned to visit my sis abroad around then, so may not even be around to help me and she does enough of that anyway.

she told them that he should not be spending so much money when we're in debt

much more, basically mum didn't miss them and hit the wall...

DH is refusing to come home now. Says we are finished. Not sure how to feel about that actually.

georgimama · 10/11/2008 20:35

"DH is refusing to come home now".

Pathetic. So because nasty wife doesn't want him to go out to play he has run home to mummy? God MN is an eye opener, I think my DH is an arse sometimes but some of the men on here are off the scale.....

Sorry you're going through this.

DorisIsAPinkDragon · 10/11/2008 20:49

Really sorry to hear that M2N,

have to say from this perspective seems like there are far too many people in your marriage ( princess Di didn't like 3 but you seem to have 5 what with his parents and your mum all argueing and fighting) It really doesn't give the 2 of you any space, I wonder whether your not so D H has had the space and freedom to grow up and make mistakes with money or whether Mumy and Daddy always stepped in to hlp?

However he is being a twat running home, but was there underlying issues before alll of this?

DorisIsAPinkDragon · 10/11/2008 20:51

were there

aGalChangedHerName · 10/11/2008 20:52

Fuck me what an arsehole!!! And his parents too imo.

He sounds like my younger brother actually. Life gets tough or you don't get your own way,kick off and run back to mummy. He sounds to me like a spoiled brat who has been bailed out by mummy and daddy (like my db)

Horton · 10/11/2008 20:53

Blimey. Refusing to come home? So what are you going to do about your daughter if you cannot be left alone with her? I think this is pretty childish behaviour from him. More importantly, how are you going to manage tonight?

mum2niamh · 10/11/2008 21:14

mum is going to have to come up, so I'll be offline in a bit. She's p*ssed as hell.

we've always had problems in our relationship but we make up...I guess I have to face facts and let it die

Horton · 10/11/2008 21:18

What are you going to do about your daughter long-term, not just tonight, though? If your DH has left, you need to get on the phone to social services in the morning. Or your mum does if you can't use a phone. Presumably your mum can't be there forever.

tw70 · 11/11/2008 07:12

Wishing you well, OP. I guess those deeper issues have come up.

Have you thought of getting one of the support dogs? They can train them to do your 'hearing' for you, and they will alert you if your child cries.

Obviously a long term solution, and doesn't help you straight away, but it would give you some much needed confidence and independence.

Upwind · 11/11/2008 07:34

I just read your OP and thought YABU, but then I read the updates with details of the money problems and it is clear that YANBU, even purely on financial grounds.

Get on to SS this morning. Your DH says it is finished but this is so fresh and new, I really hope that both of you can have counselling to find a way forward.

pingping · 11/11/2008 09:25

WOW your DH is a complete wanker, I was on the fence with this one but his mum sounds like a complete cunt.

OP I hope you get it all sorted.

pamelat · 11/11/2008 09:58

The debt makes it different, otherwise YABU

Blinglovin · 11/11/2008 10:18

You have much bigger problems. You are an adult and your mum and dad should no longer be your main carers, neither should your DH, even with your disabilities. You and DH need to start taking responsibility for yourself and for each other.

This situation sounds fraught on a lot of levels but you seem to be drifting along going with the current of your mum, his mum, him etc. I think you need to spend time with DH, alone, and work out what's going on in your relationship. His desire for some time out, without you and DD, is totally understandable, especially if he's also your carer and not just your partner. But.. if there are money issues, you both need to find better ways for him to have this time away without it putting you as a family into further debt.

Similarly, you need to become more independent - I think the suggestion of a night nanny is excellent. And it's entirely reasonable that if as a family you agree you can afford for DH to go away, then as a family, you have to work into that the cost implications at home for him leaving.

Ineedmorechocolatenow · 12/11/2008 17:58

Let us know what happened. Did DH come home?

cantpickyourfamily · 13/11/2008 15:46

Hi m2m how are things going?

solidgoldbrass · 13/11/2008 15:54

I think you need to look into respite care or paid care assistance of some description. Are there charities/support groups for people with your disabilities nearby? I appreciate that life is hard for you but it must also be hard for your DH: all carers need regular breaks if they are not to become bitter and resentful. It would also be good for you to get some help with more independent living: either find out a source of occasional assistants/buddies or ways round common difficulties, because putting everything on your DH is problematic.

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