...to be ticked off my SIL has just announced 'we're not buying for adults this year'

[Pheebe]

Firstly I'm not materialistic in any way and her announcement has pissed me off on several levels.

1. Its made it all about the money - to me giving gifts is about choosing something special for the person, not about how much it costs. I don't have alot of money to spend but always make the effort to ensure what I give is special and personal - this takes effort not money.

1. It puts everyone else in an awkward position. They will be with us on christmas day so can we still go ahead and buy for the other adults and not them? There aren't that many of us anyway.

1. They can 'afford it' - won't go into details but we're all made very aware of their 'excellent' income and their house full of gadgets.

1. On past performance I think its being done for effect rather than a genuine need to budget. There are people in the family with much less disposable income than them who would never dream of doing something like this.

Perhpas I am being unreasonable - please give me some perspective on this...

We're doing that this year with df's family (well one of his sisters anyway)- they've decided to just buy for the kids and not the adults. They have 2 children and we have our 13 week old, but will be buying for his other sis and husband iygwim. I always think its nice to give a small present even if its a bottle of wine or box of chocs.

Maybe they have done this precisely because they are concerned that the people in the family with less disposable income struggle to buy presents for everyone and that particularly with the credit crunch will really struggle. So they have said this so that the more skint people don't have to have the embarrassment of trying to get out of present buying?

Just a thought...

Oh and I think of course you can go ahead and buy for other adults and not them - they have asked this!

I don't think the idea of only buying presents for the children is unreasonable at all. However, I think a decision like that needs to be made jointly.

In our family, we have all agreed that none of the grown up siblings will buy presents for each other, we will just buy for the children.

My dh and I proposed it to the others for discussion and we all agreed that we are in the fortunate position that none of us "need" anything. Money would therefore be spent on gifts which were an unnecessary extravangance.

We don't need to give gifts to each other to confirm our feelings. We make the effort to see each other.

We love seeing the children open presents, and with each additional child in the family, the cost for everyone has gone up. We would therefore all rather spend any money available on each other's children.

i would have said ok, and thought oh good, don't have to spend any money.

however, if you genuinely enjoy buying gifts, and want to then get them something.
if you're happy to go with it then don't get them anything, but buy for the other adults you['d usually buy for

Maybe its an excuse so they don't have to receive anything they don't won't. I did this with my sis as she's always broke, had a smaller family than mine and she always spent lots of money on lots of tat!
I won't worry about it. If it really upsets you just buy for them anyway.

God I would love it if anyone in my family said this - the only reason I don't say it myself is that I know gift-giving means a lot to them and they'd probably be upset. I very rarely get things I really want or need for xmas and it is a total pain buying things and all in all a waste of everyone's money IMO.

Well-chosen, thoughtful presents are a lovely thing of course but Christmas is a huge amount of pressure, to get presents even if you can't find anything suitable, to try to get it right, to get it all done in time, when the shops are heaving and you're busy, blah blah. Honestly I would be happy if all xmas presents for adults were banned.

(Bah humbug)

I'd like to think they're doing it for altruistic reasons - not sure they are but perhaps thats how I should look at it. It doesn't sit right with me to give nothing at all - perhaps that does make me materialistic...I don't know.

agree snowleapard

yabu

i'd rather only buy gifts for children or if I genuinely see something I know an adult would completely love and I wish others would treat me in the same way.

I hate the orgy of buying that surrounds Christmas.

Don't get them anything, it's what they'd prefer.

I am younger than my siblings and, since they had children, they didn't buy for each other, just the children. I only bought for their children too although always got a present from them (and so did my husband).

Now we have children of our own they don't buy presents for us anymore, just the kids.

I'm a bit miffed because I love getting presents but it seems fair if you ask me.

However, when we go to my sister's for Christmas Day I do always buy a small gift as a contribution to the dinner (good chocolates, champagne or something).

If I were you I would breathe a sigh of relief and go and buy yourself something lovely with the money you would have spent on them!

For the last few years we have only bought for the children in our families.

I would much rather spend money on a decent present for my nephews/neice than spend less on them and buy our brothers/SILs something that they don't need or want. The only sibling we buy for is my DH sister who has no children.

I don't see why it puts everyone else in an awkward position. It is them who have requested no adult present buying, it shouldn't affect the rest of you.

It sounds like a very good idea to me.

Maybe they don't want any more of the tatt you usually buy them.

I'm joking, ok!!!

Pheebe they have only said they are not buying for any adults this year, thats fine. Don't let it have any effect on what you do.

They do what they want, you do what you want. Just because they won't be buying you a gift doesn't mean you don't buy them one. You buy a gift for someone if you want to buy a gift for someone, surely.

Sorry but I think YABU. I have a huge and I mean huge family. I have said I'm not getting adults presents this year, just the kids. In fact, we all agreed on this. Christmas is getting out of hand, and although I could afford to get the adults presents, I don't want to. I have 20 gifts to get for the cousins, nieces and nephews, thats without my own child. If you decide to buy them a gift, donate to a charity of their choice, if they are decent enough they will think it's a nice gesture.

My DB and SIL and our family decided this about Birthdays because we live so far from each other and inevitably ended up sending cheques back and forth We decided that we would keep Christmas but spend less on the adults and more on the DCs. At least then everyone has something to open (and we see them at xmas). I would just get a nice bottle of whatever they drink for them anyway.

Are you my SIL?! I'm quite open about the fact that I don't buy for adult family members. I may give a photo of the children, and a token present for parents but that is it I'm afraid.

Last year, at IL's house we received presents from dh's siblings, but didn't give any. I refuse to feel guilty- I TOLD them I wasn't buying, if they chose to buy for us and each other, that is their choice.

I would rather use the disposible money we have to buy for the 10 dn we have, rather than for their parents. After all, with limited funds, what could I buy them that they would actually want? A decorative candle? Smellies?...

We do this in our family. We really don't have the money to spend and it is so much easier just buying for the children. It has taken a lot of pressure off of everyone.

I was thinking of suggesting this to my SIL.

My sil imposed this on us a few years ago. But to be honest I'm glad she did - it all gets out of hand. Her point was that she'd rather spend more on bd presents - it wasn't the money that was the problem but the madness of having to buy for everyone at once.

We said to people that we would buy for children, not adults and all of our friends breathed a heavy sigh of relief. They wanted to suggest it but didn't want to look tight. We've also spoken to family and said that we won't be buying for older kids (by older, I mean in early 20's). All the family understood. People have been told not to buy for us. One of my friends is really strapped and was embarressed about having to ask not to buy for her kids.

We've managed to cut about 10 names off the list and save about £3-£400 pounds by doing so. By the same token, other people will be saving too. Maybe the less well off people in your family will feel glad that someone has made this suggestion as it takes the pressure off them. If people don't want you to buy for them then give them a nice card and wish them love for the coming year.

YANBU! I hate that to. My SIL has said that 4 years ago. we never agreed and we always do presents for everyone regardless. She does not care because she is the most selfish person I have ever met (sorry for mini rant) and she still comes ove r for dinner empty handed and never invite us back. She is very well of btw, so no question of poverty here.

I believe everyone like receiving a gift and why should adulthood become so boring I do not know. It's the thought that count not the price tag.

For me, the thought is: "Shit, I hate going out and buying prezzies for adults who should have grown up about this sort of thing by now." Does that count?

We've always done this in our family. We buy for our parents (and they for us) but no other adults. It gets silly otherwise.

I want to stop buying presents for my brother and 2 bils; however none have children and somehow this would seem wrong. So we just end getting a token gift for them all. We are considering saying "last year this year"......
Sound like a meanie I know, but i think that present buying does get out of hand given generally.