...to be ticked off my SIL has just announced 'we're not buying for adults this year'

[Pheebe]

Firstly I'm not materialistic in any way and her announcement has pissed me off on several levels.

1. Its made it all about the money - to me giving gifts is about choosing something special for the person, not about how much it costs. I don't have alot of money to spend but always make the effort to ensure what I give is special and personal - this takes effort not money.

1. It puts everyone else in an awkward position. They will be with us on christmas day so can we still go ahead and buy for the other adults and not them? There aren't that many of us anyway.

1. They can 'afford it' - won't go into details but we're all made very aware of their 'excellent' income and their house full of gadgets.

1. On past performance I think its being done for effect rather than a genuine need to budget. There are people in the family with much less disposable income than them who would never dream of doing something like this.

Perhpas I am being unreasonable - please give me some perspective on this...

Their money, they can spend it how they like, surely?

We suggested this a couple of years ago but my sister insisted that she wanted to buy for everyone - seems particularly pointless as we always end up doing the 'can you get me...' or swapping matching book tokens.

So YABABU - although it would probably been less of an imposition if your SIL had thought to announce it a bit earlier than November.

Sounds sensible to me.

Your family may be different, but in mine all the adults waste time and money buying things that the recipient doesn't really want and which will then gather dust or be recycled to someone else next year. I'd love it if we could all agree to not bother.

tbh i dont see the problem - esp with the credit crunch about

buying presents is nice and fun, but for some it is an extra exspense which they can do with out

and yes its the thought, but you can end up with lots of crap, that you jusy end up throwing/giving away

maybe suggest that everyone buys one pressie and you put in bag and everybody picks out one

We do this too. We only buy for my 2 SIL's kids and vice versa. My brother doesn't have kids yet so we still buy for him, but my sis and I only exchange presents for our kids. i think it's sensible and sooo much easier!!

On dp's side, his brother (flash house full of gadgets, new cars etc) announced last year that they would only buy for the children. So we got his kids something, but carried on buying for sil and her bf, as we enjoy swapping fun practical gifts.

On my side, a few years back my (very well off) sis with 6 kiddies announced that we should only buy for the children - at that time 2 of my sisters had 9 children between them and 2 of us none. The one with 3 still bought for their aunties, the one with 6 just accepted all the pressies off everyone - us childless spinsters went to all that expense and didn't even get a penny chew. I know its all about giving, but its also the thought that counts!!

What I'm trying to say is that if someone has decided unilaterally only to buy for children, then just buy for THEIR children, and carry on swapping gifts with other adults in the family if thats what you want to do.

YANBU - but I think I come at it from a slightly different angle.

I think it is important for the DC to give gifts and for them to see that Christmas is a family event and that adults deserve a gift too. If only the children get gifts then it is can become all about how big a pile of presents they can accumulate.

So as a family and after much too-ing and fro-ing we have decided on a token gift for the adults (paperback, smellies for MIL) but spending more on DC.

A couple of years ago we agreed to do 'pass-on presents' for adults instead of buying new. In other words, you wrap up a book/DVD etc that you've finished with and give it to someone else.

My mum entered into the spirit of this with rather too much enthusiasm and tried to declutter her house into ours. Still, it could work?

Had my sisters annunced this in September I would have thought 'damn' (because I like presents, as much as anything). However Mum announced we weren't doing the little stocking last week- and I am as they all knew very well we started Chrsitmas shopping in September and I have most bits now, so I am saddled.

I agree its good for kids to give something to the adults even if its nly a bag of home made cookies: Christmas otherwise becomes about how big a pile of tat yopu can stack. We're very aware of that this year (even planning to take them to Church on the day so they realise its about more than accumulation)

maybe they are in debt from all of their gadgets and it is all on credit?
i agree with others - tis an expensive time of year - we are setting £10 budget this year. we feel mean doing this, but i'll be back at work next year, so can afford to splash out a bit next year.

We do this in our family, some where pleased, some not. We are a large famly, and it was getting so expensive. This year we are limiting the amount being spent per neice to no more than £5.00 - but I still have 18 neices/nephews, one SIL/BIL, both sets parents, couple of old aunties, and the large list of nursery, afterschool, teachers, coaches.
We just cannot afford it this year - its not worth getting into more debt for.
My side of family are hugely supportive - DH side of family not so.

YANBU - I'm like you, I like buying and giving presents and I think it's about making an effort. I dont see why people dont want to ir family as well as the children? Even when you dont have much money you can still get / make things that someone would appreciate.

I like giving and receiveing a present or too at Xmas. I think it is disproportionate for the children to have a big big of expensive presents and teh adults to get nothing.

I think Xmas is about celebrating family (atheist!) and that involves in our family buying presents for each other wihtout breaking the bank but also not going wild with present buying for the children. I think its important for children to see the enjoyment everyone gets from receiving a thoughtful present.

When my sister said "lets not buy ofr the adults" I said - no problme if yo udon;t want to buy me somehting I quite understand. However I enjoy swapping presents so I will continue to buy you something but will limit it to something homemade or low value (passive aggressive queen).

We still swap presents and its nice. Not buying because you can't be bothered is not in the ethos of Kewcumber Xmas!

but we are not a big family and I have no DP - if my brother and sister don't buy me a present I open one from my mum and thats it! Maybe I would feel differently if I had a huge family.

we say this every year but people still insist on buying....I really would be happy if the adults agreed (strictly) that pressies are just for the kids.It is just such an expensive time and,to be honest,we do tend to buy the adults the same things over and over again..Christmas-in my opinion anyway-is for the kids to enjoy.They're what Christmas is all about for me.

I think you should rejoice!

Dh's family have just said same, presents for immediate rels, bil sil, mil, fil, and cards for cousins, aunts etc. Little prez for children is still ok. FABULOUS I'm so relieved, it's such a nightmare burning money out of obligation.
Also I know what you mean about assuming they have loads of money but equally, they may really want to save and that should be up to each individual.
But as far as you're concerned. Leave them out and go ahead doing whatever you want to do. It's a free country! But I am overjoyed not to have to do all that shopping and trying to buy something for dh's cousin's dh!

kids get loads of presents - they don't need one more from auntie Wendy to enjoy Christmas. I on the otehr hand would be hugely appreciative of a box of thorntons chocolates from Uncle Bob.

Books food drinks - plenty of opportunites to make me vey happy on a small budget.

OP - how about you and I buy a small present from each other this year?!

I think YABU. It's a great idea. Christmas is not about presents. My sisters - who had children before me - introduced price limits for adult presents first and then decided no presents for adults, apart from our mum. We haven't swapped adult presents for ages now and we still have a lovely time. We don't need the extra stuff and it's good for the planet as well as our pockets and middle sister's shopping phobia.

This year despite looking as if we are affluent we have no spare money at all. I love my SIL so we sat down and had a chat and I explained our financial woes in detail. I was basically saying nowt for adults and a tenner each for her kids but she replied with "they're old enough now (17 & 18) and can do without". I was - and am - a bit unsure about this bit but I appreciated her understanding, and that of my MIL.

It's not hard to have had lots of money and have lots of material things and suddenly find difficulties making ends meet. We were very cautious with our money and were able to afford everything pricey we bought in the past, but circumstances have made things hard for us. I would rather spend £50 contributing to family food and drink over the festive season than buy unnecessary material goods.

Thingy, what I do in your situation with the grown-upish children is to get one thing for the whole family, like box of special biscuits, board-game, jigsaw puzzle. Works as long as the young ones live at home or are home for Christmas, but you need a whole new round of agreements once they set up their own households.

Maybe they just don't like ending up with apilke of scented candles/phot frames/flavoured olive oils/bubble bath and all the other stand-by gifts and novelties that people buy each other out of duty. YABU - respect their choices and stop thinking of Christmas in terms of presents.

apilke a pile

As a previous poster said; I think it's reasonable to not buy Xmas presents for adults if everyone is in agreement. Tbh, I don't know of anyone who wouldn't be pleased and relieved about such an arrangement.

Several years ago, we suggested this amongst our (huge) extended family and everyone was in ageement. Now we only buy for all the children up to age 21 and even then it's money or vouchers as most of my neices and nephews are teens or pre-teens.

It was the best decision ever. DP and I give a donation to Oxfam Unwrapped every year instead.

Choccypig, great idea, I will select a fantabulous box of chocolates or chocolate biscuits and honour will be saved! I might have been prepared to give up presents at 21/leaving uni but when they are still at school seems a bit harsh! I've just always spent about £40 on birthdays for them and £25-£30 at Christmas so felt I needed to warn of reduction in generosity.

You know, its not the idea of not buying christmas presents for the adults thats got my back up, it the way the announcement was made and the implicit criticism of those of us who enjoy the giving of gifts a christmas. Frankly I couldn't give two hoots whether I get a gift or not. Its the somehow being made to feel small, flashy, or morally wrong to want to do the whole gift thing for the people I love thats upset me.