...to be ticked off my SIL has just announced 'we're not buying for adults this year'

[Pheebe]

Firstly I'm not materialistic in any way and her announcement has pissed me off on several levels.

1. Its made it all about the money - to me giving gifts is about choosing something special for the person, not about how much it costs. I don't have alot of money to spend but always make the effort to ensure what I give is special and personal - this takes effort not money.

1. It puts everyone else in an awkward position. They will be with us on christmas day so can we still go ahead and buy for the other adults and not them? There aren't that many of us anyway.

1. They can 'afford it' - won't go into details but we're all made very aware of their 'excellent' income and their house full of gadgets.

1. On past performance I think its being done for effect rather than a genuine need to budget. There are people in the family with much less disposable income than them who would never dream of doing something like this.

Perhpas I am being unreasonable - please give me some perspective on this...

YANBU to not like it. It puts you in an awkward situation if you had planned to give gifts and has the potential to make you look extravagant.

I don't like occasions like Christmas being made awkward by conditions on who gives what to what person, and what they can give. Gift-giving is the choice and prerogrative of the giver.
Anyway, I'm one of those sad people that loves buying daft presents for other grown-ups.

We did it ages ago and just give to DCs in the family and the elderly. Far more sensible IMO.

We do this as it all got a bit silly with asking what CDs people wanted and getting oil burners that we never used etc. I'd also rather choose my own calendar when they are dead cheap in January!

On DPs side each couple puts £20 in and we make a donation to a charity that we decide between ourselves. On my side this is the first year that all my siblings so no adult pressies needed - hurrah and bah humbug.

We still buy for the 'oldies' though.

Laundrylover - we buy for our parents too!

We've sort of decided to do this, but we're being subtle about it! We make a calendar with pictures from each equivalent month last year of the children and us which we send to all the adults. TBD makes it at work so it doesn't cost us anything. We add a tin of chocolates for certain people or a personalised present for others, but most people get just the calendar. We try to get something from Boots for £10 each for the children, which works out about £7 each with 3 for 2.

Why dont you suggest the same thing to the entire group who is going to be present?

Take the focus OFF the gifts, and just enjoy time together and friendship, and let the kids have their gifts.

I honestly dont see why adults should be buying gifts for eachother. I only buy a gift for ONE good friend (because she lavishes presents on my kids), my sister and my parents.

Thesmallclanger - I think you've summed it up for me perfectly! Thats exactly how I feel. I don't do the whole extravagent gift thing, never have and neither has anyone else in the family. As I said, there aren't that many of us. I enjoy giving the smaller, sometime jokey, sometimes very personal gifts I spend time choosing for people.

Someone else said it has the potential to make us seem extravagant - think thats something else thats annoyed me about it - makes us seem pushy or flashy somehow for buying gifts for the people we love.

Also I think I might feel a bit insulted - maybe they didn't like the presents I gave?

Think I'll go ahead and do what I'd planned and leave it at that. I'd feel ashamed to attend a family get together with nothing to share with everyone - if they don't feel the same way, thats down to them I guess.

thanks everyone

YABU - it seems a totally sensible idea to me. I did this last year and whilst one bil was a bit sniffy at first, nobody wants to go back to the previous pattern this year. So, other than our parents, we are not buying for any adults this year. If it's not about money for you, why does it matter to you how much they earn? It could just as easily be for environmental reasons.

YABU I asked my SIL to dothis several years ago, initially she was not impressed, and insisted on giving presents. That year she gave us something that had clearly come free with a catalogue!! We really wish she hadn't bothered - I would rather just have fun and the 'gift ' of their company. And not everyone enjoys receiving presents - I find the excessive materialism of christmas makes me very uncomfortable.

Message withdrawn

My family has also agreed on present amnesties for adults. I'm glad. I think it's very responsible to tighten belts and stick to basics.

My sister's a bit sad about it because she's very good at getting people presents and really enjoys the whole thing so I feel sorry for her.

YANBU - she and her DH should have discussed it with all concerned ie 'shall we just buy for the children this year?' instead of just announcing it as a fait accompli.

We are only buying for kids this year and it is a major weight off my mind in terms of present ideas and money. But we all decided together that's what we'd do.

Maybe she has already discussed it with everybody? Maybe nobody are to give this couple presents?

I think it is sensible.

My mum has two brothers and they each have two adult children, two of whom are married, one is engaged so add another adult, in addition to my three siblings plus 2 gc plus family/personal friends so it could get out of hand if we all bought for everyone else. What tends to happen is that we buy little bits for those that we see at Christmas and for those we don't, we club together and buy something to be sent to them. It seems to work and everyone is happy.

'Jokey' and 'Daft' presents go straight to Oxfam.
Ditto things bought from Boots and cheap scented candles.
YABU.

'My SIL has just announced 'we are not buying for adults this year'' suggests she had not discussed it with anybody.

TBH I think it's perfectly sensible: very few adults "need" the type of things they are given as gifts and if they do "need" them they can use the money they might have spent on others buying something special for themselves, be it bath salts, an out of print book or new tea towels. So much of adult to adult tokens is just "stuff" and much better to choose your own.

PS I don't like receiving presents: if it's cheap enough to be affordable for others, I'll buy it myself and if it's not, it'll be too expensive for someone else to buy... But I accept that I am impossible to buy for as poor DH knows

YABU. In our family we only buy for our siblings children up to the age of 21,our brother who does not have children ( beccause he buys for our children ) and our parents.

Agree with gscrym-we stopped buying for adults in our family years ago-there were too many. We also don't buy for the older 'children'. There comes a time to draw the line.

Sorry but I think it's a great idea. In the US my family is used to mega, and I mean mega, Christmases. I wish that it were more like our Thanksgiving which somehow no one has turned into a present based holiday, which is a miracle. I'm tired of feeling like the grinch because I want something much more scaled back.

my sils and me (and there are 5 of us altogether) have decided that we will all give each other a really good book (novel) that we think each other will enjoy. Perfect result - don't have to spend more than a tenner on any of them, have the fun of thinking of the perfect book for each, and at the end of it all I'll have 4 books that I wouldn't necessarily have bought for myself to read, as opposed to a load of more expensive presents that I don't actually like very much. I'm looking forward to it already. We all like reading though, which helps.

People get too hung up on presents. YABU.