to be worried about DS staying at MILs.

[RagingHormone]

He's 6 months now so I should have chilled out a little. He had a few problems when he was born so we were very over protective. He's fine now and so I let people mind him or take him for walks if they ask, or if I'm working I let close family mind him.

My mum's had him over night one night when me and DP went to a posh hotel, and a couple of times when we've both had sickness bugs and not wanted the baby to catch it. Mum adores DS and DS adores me.

MIL doesn't seem to like me since I had the baby as I haven't involved her to any great extent because I think if she's so bothered, why do I have to make all the effort? Plus she's refused to buy nappies before when we lost our cash card and couldn't get money out.

Anyway, she wants DS overnight. Anything we tell her to do she does the opposite on purpose and she smokes which really bothers me as DS's cousin has a very bad chest and has always been around her smoking.

Anyway. She thinks I'm unreasonable as she wanted to be sort of centre of DS's life and she's not. I am. She also thinks it's horrible that my mum's more involved but it's because my mum makes an effort and comes to see him or asks to have him and alsorts.

But then MIL is his nana too and I should let DS stay for DP's sake I suppose. But I know she'll do things to mind me up, and she'll put him in bed with her when he sleeps through in is cot for me. I never gave in and put him in bed with us, I always just settled him and put him back in his cot (I know some babies are more difficult than this, and I was lucky). She won't follow my routine's either.

I know I'm being a little fussy... should I let him stay or not?

I'm ready to get a bashing on here for being mean to MIL but I thought I should ask anyway.

Sorry I meant DS adores my mum. I put DS adores me. Mistake.

Oh and also she swears around him all the time and he's saying mama and dada so he'll pick 'shit' or 'bugger' or 'fuck sake' up soon.

I wouldn't let him stay if she smokes and puts him in bed with her.

Those are my two main worries. She says she won't. But the thing is, she ignores all our other 'rules' so how do we know se won't ignore this one, too?

I wouldn't let him stay and you're not being overprotective. dd1 is 2.7 and has never stayed overnight at her gps. dd2 is 13 months and there is no way I would let her.

Gud God, I've just read through my original post and realised it is full of spelling and grammar mitakes!! Sorry.

I can't even say baby kept me up all night because I admitted in my OP that he sleeps through lol. No reason to be so tired and dippy.

If you don't want your baby to stay at MIL's then don't! She must get a grip and accept that.

Your baby. Your rules.

From what you say, I would not let my child stay over. The smoking and the co-sleeping are complete no nos.

My DS was 4 before he stayed away from home (at MIL's). But I'd def not let him stay if she smokes.

No dont let her stay

I'm really surprised everyone agrees with me, I thought I was being a bitch. I'm glad, though!

The other thing is, she makes out he's done everything the most or the 1st time at her house. So I get upset thinking why doesn't he do it for me? Or why cant I get him to laugh as much, maybe he doesn't like me. And stuff like that. But really, I do have him doing all these things, it's just that I'm made to feel that I don't. And like they're better with him and doing something special that I'm not IYSWIM. But then maybe that's my state of mind rather than something that's actually being said?

god you sound like me, my MIL is very similar, minus the smoking thing, but saying she did X with her kids and it worked and what I do is 'nonsense' etc. She doesn't mind dd either...

I wouldn't leave a baby with a smoker, especially if she's going to sleep with him.

She sounds like a nightmare. My DS is nearly 20m and has stayed without me at my mum's house twice. Two nights. And not before he was a year old and I trust my mum implicitly. I certainly wouldn't let him stay overnight with someone I didn't particularly like or trust, I don't care who they are.

Raginghormone, do we share the same MIL?!

No way would I let him stay - my MIL is exactly the same (bar the smoking) and I'm not letting her babysit for one hour let alone one night. She drives me insane - she won't do anything the way I want it done and does nothing with DS unless it's on her terms.

She can spend time with him but, for the moment, it will be with me in tow. Tough.

Yes, it upsets dh, but he's an adult. My DS is number one in all this and he's only 5mths old.

YANBU even slightly. She sounds like a nightmare.

Have you discussed your concerns with your dh? If you explain in an as calm and reasoned manner as you have on here I can't imagine he wouldn't back you up.

She needs to demonstrate that she is going to do as you ask on the important stuff if she is going to be looking after him. She is bound to do some things her way but there are the non-negotiables like smoking and cosleeping. And following your routine is important so that he is settled and secure when he is in a different environment. Until she can demonstrate that she respects your wishes about your son I think she can f*ck off quite frankly.

I wouldn't let my DS stay with someone who smoked. YANBU.

No the smoking is a big big problem, she can't have him.
What is the obession of wanting them over night ? I've never understood that, surely they want them happy and wide awake for a few hours in the afternoon, that's when I'll want my grandchildren. They can go home to sleep.

NO NO NO NO NO to letting 6mo old baby stay with someone who smokes. even more NO to smoker who would co-sleep. that is a huge risk for a baby and you should not take it just to make your MIL feel better.

WHY does she want him to stay anyway? sounds selfish - does he need to stay over for any reason? - 6 mo is young to be having nights away from you! and if your mum can have him when you and dh want a night alone then that's fine isn't it.

never forget he is YOUR baby and it is a privilege not a right for grandparents to be involved. MIL can be involved without demanding to have him to herself for overnight stays!

He's too little to stay overnight with someone where you are not completely happy. Maybe when he's four or five and ASKS to stay at Granny's, but not now.

I do think it's a bit hard on MILs because DILs obviously tend to be closer to their own mothers so MILs often seem to be second-best when it comes to their grandchildren. But there's no way I would have let ds stay over at his Granny's without me when he was a baby!

(And wheelsonthebus is right, smoking and co-sleeping are really bad news.)

Some of these grandparents (my MIL included) seem to think that their baby grandchildren are toys, provided for their entertainment and amusement. They are not, they are children who need to be looked after responsibly, with due care and attention to the wishes of their parents. (IMO).

So - YANBU.

I think the idea that you 'owe' anyone the right to have your very tiny, young baby overnight is completely MAD. He's YOUR baby, not hers. It's totally up to YOU. (have I used enough capitals to make my point? )
If YOU and your dh want a night away, then yes, ask your mum, but going to your MIL randomly won't be for your benefit or his, so just say no. She can see him in the day, surely?

YANBU at all. Not due to the smoking particularly, but because she wants to be nana when it suits her. Smoking I would insist she goes outside/kitchen if he was there and if I smelled smoke when I collected she would not have him again. Same if he was out of routine when I got him back- make it clear from the start that this is the condition and if she breaks it (you will know) it will be the first and last time overnight.

Maybe she is asking to have him overnight to give you opportunity to go out and see her DGC. Perhaps she feels you are precious with him and she can't see him much even when you are there or criticising everything she does