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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to be worried about DS staying at MILs.

57 replies

RagingHormone · 09/11/2008 15:06

He's 6 months now so I should have chilled out a little. He had a few problems when he was born so we were very over protective. He's fine now and so I let people mind him or take him for walks if they ask, or if I'm working I let close family mind him.

My mum's had him over night one night when me and DP went to a posh hotel, and a couple of times when we've both had sickness bugs and not wanted the baby to catch it. Mum adores DS and DS adores me.

MIL doesn't seem to like me since I had the baby as I haven't involved her to any great extent because I think if she's so bothered, why do I have to make all the effort? Plus she's refused to buy nappies before when we lost our cash card and couldn't get money out.

Anyway, she wants DS overnight. Anything we tell her to do she does the opposite on purpose and she smokes which really bothers me as DS's cousin has a very bad chest and has always been around her smoking.

Anyway. She thinks I'm unreasonable as she wanted to be sort of centre of DS's life and she's not. I am. She also thinks it's horrible that my mum's more involved but it's because my mum makes an effort and comes to see him or asks to have him and alsorts.

But then MIL is his nana too and I should let DS stay for DP's sake I suppose. But I know she'll do things to mind me up, and she'll put him in bed with her when he sleeps through in is cot for me. I never gave in and put him in bed with us, I always just settled him and put him back in his cot (I know some babies are more difficult than this, and I was lucky). She won't follow my routine's either.

I know I'm being a little fussy... should I let him stay or not?

I'm ready to get a bashing on here for being mean to MIL but I thought I should ask anyway.

OP posts:
SummatAnNowt · 09/11/2008 22:24

Don't do it.

I ignored warning signs with my in-laws to make sure I was doing right by the relationship between them and my child and they did something which could have killed him. I hated myself for a long time for ignoring what they were like for the sake of trying to be the good daughter-in-law and doing things "right".

And he was much older! I certainly wouldn't have left ds with them when he was that young.

beanieb · 09/11/2008 22:33

Aside from the fact that she smokes, which I would be worried about too, do you think that perhaps you have anxiety about her ability to keep him safe and her motives because you just don't know her or feel comfortable with her because she's not your mum?

How does your husband feel? I would guess that it's quite importnt to him that his mum form a close bond with your child.

Your DS in a part of your DH and so will benefit from a loving close elationship with your DH's family.

I can understand why you feel things are safer with your mum, you know her well and you have a genetic and lifetime bond. Were your dad's grandparents in your life as a child?

I think it's just really important to allow both sides of the family to make those bonds in your childs life so long as they are not toxic in some way.

Six months is young though. Maybe try to spend more time with your MIL as a family?

TheLadyEvenstar · 09/11/2008 22:34

GP's don't do things the way parents do though!!!1

My nan would let me have cream cakes for brekkie if i wanted which I always did lol

But my mum and dad wouldn't

My nan would let me sleep in her bed with her

Mum and dad wouldn't

I could sit up with Nan and Grandad until i was almost falling asleep and nan would go to bed with me...

Mum and dad wouldn't

ds1 has sweets at my mums I don't allow them, he sits up later, etc etc

thats what nans are for doing things differently.

StayFrosty · 09/11/2008 22:35

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

TheLadyEvenstar · 09/11/2008 22:37

6 mo is young to be having nights away from you!

???????????

I left ds1 with my parents most weekends from when he was 3 weeks old!!! he is now 10 and still stays with my mum (lost my dad 5yrs ago) most weekends......

KatieDD · 09/11/2008 22:37

The lady, did your nan let you breath in 2nd hand smoke which could kill you ?
There's bending the rules with your 5 yo DGC and there's putting a 6 month old at risk, completely different kettle of fish.

StayFrosty · 09/11/2008 22:42

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

TheLadyEvenstar · 09/11/2008 22:46

Katie, both of my grandparents smoked, as did my dad (mum never did) as do I as does dp.

TheLadyEvenstar · 09/11/2008 22:47

On the other hand ds2 14m has never been away from me for more than 15minutes

KatieDD · 09/11/2008 22:52

I think you should give ds2 to your mum immediately then, the only place he's safe by the sounds of it.

TheLadyEvenstar · 09/11/2008 22:54

lol Katie, he wouldn't go anyway. He likes to be with me and its as simple as that.

DS1 on the other hand would be there everyday if he could.

Oh and by the way he is very safe with us as his parents.

Original poster
RagingHormone · 10/11/2008 10:04

I've read the whole thing but can't remember who said what so I'll just answer the questions in general IYSWIM.

Firstly, I didn't have a good relationship with my dad's parents. They didn't like my mum even though she's lovely, and they prefered their other grandchildren to me and my siblings. I never stayed overnight with them. Perhaps this has had an effect on me?

MIL doesn't smoke around DS, she goes into the kitchen, but her house stinks of it so he smells all smokey and she kisses him after she's just had a fag. Even if we're there for an hour, she still goes into the kitchen or hall atleast twice for a fag. I don't see why she can't wait til we've left.

DP agrees with me. He wants DS to have a good relationship with his mum and his whole family as they love kids and they're a very close family. But she only wants DS on her terms and she doesn't make half as much effort with him as she does with his cousin which is upsetting. She moans about us behind our backs for not letting her take over but she doesn't even ring to see how he is like everyone else does on a daily basis.

She was also saying a couple of weeks ago that when he stays over, they can have a bath together. I think that's somewhat strange and I wouldn't want to have a bath with my nana. Wrinkles everywhere.

The thing is, I would LIKE to get on well with her but she needs to have some respect for us as a family, and she needs to try to like me. I KNOW she doesn't like me. She's even wearing a white dress to our wedding. I know a lot of MILs do this, so I was prepared for her to say it, but it still upset me a bit when she told me.

Does anyone know why she wouldn't like me?

OP posts:
purpleduck · 10/11/2008 10:24

Everyone else rings on a daily basis???

If your MIL has your ds over ( you mentioned he does more at her house) and wants to have him over, I would say she IS making an effort!! He is only 6 months old - maybe she is uncomfortable with the infant stage, and is just now feeling comfortable.

I wouldn't him stay over because of the smoking, and certainly not in the same bed as she is not used to babies in her bed (I assume) and may roll on him.

But honestly, it does sound like she is making an effort. Do you really expect daily phone calls . I would be seriously annoyed to get a call every day.

Talia22 · 10/11/2008 10:26

Raging, you could write a whole book on "does anyone know why she wouldn't like me" with regard to the MIL/DIL relationship. I never dreamt in my wildest nightmares that I would have the kind of relationship that I do have with my own MIL (mutual loathing). I really wish MN would write a book on it, so that we can all refer to it in the future and try to do better with our own DILs.

YANBU, he's too young and the smoking/co-sleeping thing is just a non starter. As someone else said, grandchildren are a privilege not a right.

purpleduck · 10/11/2008 10:28

I wouldn't let him stay over....

snowleopard · 10/11/2008 10:35

YANBU and I wouldn't let him stay. In a way the smoking is a good get-out - she smokes, say you have been advised that he shouldn't sleep in a house where people smoke - end of. (which you have, it's government advice) Invite her to come and stay, as long as she smokes outside, and she can spend time with him.

Your DS comes first IMO. I would never let my DS stay in a smoking household until much older than 6mo - he's 3 now and I still wouldn't - and if your DS has had health problems then it's even more important. She obviously isn't great in other ways too but they're harder to address and you can just use the smoking.

If DP is upset, remind him very clearly about the statistics on SIDS and how sleeping in a smoker's house is absolutely out of the question.

Original poster
RagingHormone · 10/11/2008 10:35

She doesn't make an effort, honestly. She's had him over about twice by asking, and the other times it's been if I've been working and everyone else has been busy so I've had to ask her, and she makes me feel like she's doing me such a big favour. Like she's given me a kidney or something.

She has DS's cousin every day and asks to have him stay over every weekend and some week nights. He's supposed to go in his travel cot but she just puts him in bed with her.

I don't expect daily phone calls but we get them from sis, SIL, DP's auntie and nana and my mum and dad. It's nice. Last time she rung us was July.

She also threw a paddy and stormed out of his christening because other people were holding DS.

Then she fell out with me at a party this week because DS cries for her as he doesn't really know her. He doesn't cry for her sister as she's always calling round to see him, or inviting us all over hers, or asking to mind him for a couple of hours. It really annoyed MIL that he cried for her infront of everyone and I had to have him for the rest of the night, so she fell out with me.

MIL makes us feel very unwelcome when we go round and when DS was a week old we took him round to see her and she said 'Can you two just leave please? I want my GS to myself'. She made DP go to Asda in the end but I wouldn't go and leave him (he'd stopped breathing a few days before). I don't critcise what she does with DS as that would be rude. I just grit my teeth. Annoys me a lot that she swears at him though.

She sort of wants to be DS's mum and wants me out of the pic IYSWIM.

OP posts:
Original poster
RagingHormone · 10/11/2008 10:38

But yes, I can use the smoking. She will take offense though as her arguement is 'there's nothing wrong with him now' and that she's always smoked so why should she give up to mind him.

OP posts:
MollyCherry · 10/11/2008 10:40

Lol Raging and Talia - I know the feeling re MILs.

I have a fairly mutual loathing situation with mine, and am pretty sure she has always ignored certain things we would like her to do when she has DD (4), which she has done, during the day from about 5 months. I don't have the smoking issues though, and don't think I would fancy the situation either from what you describe.

These days I let MIL have DD overnight on the occasions she suggests it (usually 2 or 3 times a year max as she only ever wants her when she has her other 2 grandkids), and that largely keeps her off my back the rest of the time. I'm not relying on her for childcare anymore either, which helps.

I think if you don't want to do it and you have your DH's support, I wouldn't worry about it anymore. If it makes you feel better perhaps you can get her involved a bit more during the day for now. Maybe go out Christmas shopping or something (where she can't smoke )

MollyCherry · 10/11/2008 10:43

OK have read your last but one post - I take that comment about Christmas shopping back.

I'd just avoid her like the plague - she sounds as barking as mine!!!

purpleduck · 10/11/2008 10:47

She swears at him

Ok, I see where you are coming from!!!

Yep, supervised visits only!!! And I would prob let DP do the supervising!

TheLadyEvenstar · 10/11/2008 10:53

I guess I am lucky dps mother will have nothing to do with ds2 she has never phoned to see how he is, no b'day card for his 1st b'day, no xmas card, nothing...so it is not a worry I will ever have lol

snowleopard · 10/11/2008 11:09

Wow RH, I would not let this woman ever, ever have sole charge of him. She sounds dangerous. OK she may not be happy - but she's not anyway, and it's more important to keep DS safe. You don't need to fight about it - just say "the doctor told me he cannot stay with a smoker - sorry."

Original poster
RagingHormone · 10/11/2008 11:33

Well she says 'bugger, bugger, bugger' and 'little shit' to him. I think she's trying to get him to say it. Sometimes she says 'Oh Fuck off' to us infront of him. If he cries she says things like 'Oh bugger you then you little shit.' And she calls me a silly bitch or a dizzy bitch infront of him.

I've hinted around the smoking topic the other day. I'll just slowly say it more and more.

DP is an absolute star though, I think maybe his mum's just going a bit loopy in her old age lol.

I don't know if any of this is intentional or not.

OP posts:
snowleopard · 10/11/2008 11:40

that is abuse, even if he can't understand yet.

Don't let him stay!