to want to tell other parents that Autism is not contagious?

[ALMummy]

My ds has recently been diagnosed with High Functioning Autism. A couple of people with dc who I was friendly with suddenly melted away when I told them he was being assessed - before he was even diagnosed. He is not aggressive, just a bit quirky and it didn't seem to be a problem till I openly said he was being assessed.

I know the general consensus on here will be that it would not bother you if your friends child was autistic but this has not been my experience so far in rl.

He can come over to play with my HFA boy!!

I have this with my dd she has dyspraxia and is quite hardwork ,all her teachers say she is popular but she never gets invited to other peoples for playdates or parties and we are usually greeted with excuses when we invite people .

Makes me sad because she sees her siblings playing with friends after school and going on sleepovers .

ALMummy - I'm sorry to hear that. My sister has not told many people her son has been diagnosed with Aspergers and now I understand why

It would not bother me at all - I adore my nephew and your DS can come round anytime

I didnt want to be paranoid but two mothers I was quite friendly with just stopped accepting or extending invitations quite soon after I first mentioned it.

One was my next door neighbour so it was quite awkward as ds would constantly ask when he was going to see her dc when we were outside her house. Made me so sad for him .

YANBU - I think it is probably down to ignorance sadly. People are still afraid of difference, and view autism as a 'mental illness'.

The views of people with any form of difference mental illness/learning difficult etc are so terrible. People are scared. Some believe that an autistic child may be 'dangerous' and uncontrollable. The are embarrassed to ask questions for fear of putting their foot in it and so instead sadly ignore the issue (a that can mean you and your child).

I would ask on the SN board to get ideas of who to deal with this situation.

I think you have a few options with these friends. You can firstly think sod them, and maybe they are showing themselves to not be real friends.

Secondly you can approach them and be upfront with them, explain in depth about your son. But I know many people here with family with SN will be saying that they are so fed up with having to do this everytime. But they may think you don't want to be asked, or not know what questions to ask.

Also you could do, as my collegue does with her son who has Aspergers is to go to school and talk with the children about your son. She does a talk every term with them, encouraging them to ask questions.

I hope I haven't said anything stupid, as I dont have a child with SN that I know of yet. But my friend's little girl has SN and I have watched people freeze as they don't know what to say in the situation.

That is so sad and I understand that you'd be upset. My best friend has a boy the same age as dd1 and they play together a lot. He was diagnosed with autism not that long ago and we see both of them just as much as before. The diagnosis doesn't change who he is,which is a lovely boy and one of my daughter's best friends.

YANBU, My son has a syndrome that (amongst other things) has caused him to have a hearing loss and a severe speech delay, he untill very recently dribbled almost constantly.

A parent of a friend of DS2's used to actively steer her away from him if we saw them at swimming lessons etc. In the end I did say don't worry she won't catch it!

I think you will quickly decide the people that are worth your efforts and explaining etc and those that aren't. It is a shame for your DS but often children are far less judgemental than adults.

I would also say post on the SN board.

I do post on the SN Board and it is great as they all understand but I wanted to reach a wider audience so posted on here to maybe get some responses from those like some of you who dont have any experience of HFA or other special needs.

Noonki you didn't say anything stupid at all. Your suggestion of going into the school is a good one although luckily the school that DS goes too are brilliant and very focussed on supporting him in the mainstream environment.

What irritates me is he is no different now than he was before we began the assessment process and they didnt mind their kids being with him then but now it is "official" they seem to have run for the hills.

Also have ds with HFA & best advice I have been given is: The people who mind don't matter & the people who matter don't mind - very true! Forget these people & you'll find a true group of friends who will be there for you & offer support when you need it but most of all treat you & ds like there's no difference. Good luck x

Thanks Webstermum. Thats a great piece of advice. I know for a fact that one of the people I am talking about posts on here though she doesn't know that I do reads this.

Slightlycrumpled sometimes I really do just want to say that too.

Yup, this is typical. My ds does go to some big parties, but as the parties get smaller, he gets fewer invitations. I network, invite people over, host parties, but it gets harder and harder. It is very, very sad.

I've not noticed people becoming distant myself but maybe I've just been lucky with my friends. I have noticed that now ds (8) is getting older he gets less invites than he used to though. I think with ds thats mostly down to his increasing difficulty in negotiating social situations and the problems that his behaviour causes with his friendships. Its very sad but tbh I understand why some of the children he used to get on with have drawn away from him Luckily he still has a small core of friends that tolerate his more problematic behaviour.

yanbu.id be tempted to get a tshirt printed.
i dont personally have an autistic child but some of my friends do.theyre children are often treated very differently by other children and parents.

it's tough ALMummy especially if the diagnosis is new - give yourself time to get used to it too cos it's a big deal & you have to get your own head around it before you can start dealing with everyone else. Much as I would love my ds to be the same as other kids he's not & never will be but as time goes on I find more & more +ves in him that i never see in others and realise it's a blessing in many ways. I suffered from depression after diagnosis cos found it so hard to deal with & everyones reactions too but now have a good network of supportive friends & it makes all the difference. Be good to yourself x

I just want to cry reading some of these posts. The worst thing about it is that he needs social interaction more than most, the more he gets the better he becomes at it and the difficulties that cause others to draw away become less apparent. It is a vicious circle.

I am angry too because by behaving like that these people are making him more "different" than he actually is. They never had a problem before it was "official".

Thansks WM. I took DS to family party a couple of weeks ago and their was an AS/ADHD child there. I spotted him the second I walked in - funny how developed your SN radar becomes and he and ds got along like a house on fire. I think friends who understand would make all the difference. Just not that easy to find in RL.

It is so hard sometimes, my ds has recently been diagnosed with autism too. The problem is that there is a lack of understanding of the condition and the fact that it has such a wide spectrum, no two autistic children, or adults, are the same. As with everything in life, we only hear about the worst cases, and this is such a small percentage in reallity. My ds is mildly autistic, but you mention autism and people think the worst. Unfortunatly unless we go round telling everyone the ins and outs of our individual cases people will just 'assume' whatever. Not everyone is like this, I know, and I think the peole that are affected by autism, whether family or friends, are more accepting, once they understand. I know I am far more accepting of differences now, and also becoming a little more accepting of the people that upset us, it's because they don't understand.

People generally are knobs in all honesty, my DD's a bit immature for her class, she's the August baby and honestly we don't get invited to things because of that, there's always something.

When I told my Mum and MIL they both mentioned Rainman - surprise. Now if I tell anyone I say he is not that different, it is as much part of him as the colour of his hair or eyes, you don't have to treat him any differently, it is just who he is and it is not a bad or sad thing. He has blonde hair and fair skin so needs more sun screen than others might, he is HFA and finds social interactions more difficult than others might. Simple.

To us it is very simple, you are right almuumy. I think as long as my liitle man is happy, then we are doing ok.

Oh god I have been thinking about the same thing today!

Our DS1 was diagnosed with ASD 2 years ago and since then, some what we thought were good friends have notably disappeared. It makes me so sad the way people - adults and children - increasingly just ignore him, like he doesn't exist because he doesn't talk.

For example, we had house guests this weekend just gone, two kids aged 7 and 5 (same age as DS1). Used to be good friends, don't see them much these days. Their children totally ignored DS1 all weekend, obviously because he didn't know how to be entertaining and join in their games. Their parents hadn't had a chat with them about DS1 and that they should try to include him - be it looking at animal pictures with him if that's what he wants to do.

What a wonderful opportunity to teach your children that hey, everyone is different, everyone is good at different things, and just because someone doesn't play the way you like to play, he can still be your friend.

There was a point during the weekend when their eldest asked 'why doesn't DS1 talk' and the father pipped 'well, DD, he's just a bit slow' . To which I said, through gritted teeth, that 'actually he is very clever at certain things, he'll talk when he is ready but he is not ready yet'. This is a well educated, professional person, and that's the kind of belief that he is passing on to his children - that people with disabilities don't have to be bothered with as they are 'slow'. Nice.

actually my son is very severe and yet personally I think he is quite a nice kid anyway

Blimey drowninginlaundry - I hope you've crossed them off your xmas card list!

Everyone in the world comes into contact with wankers but when your child has a disability (no matter how severe or mild) you seem to notice them more. The opposite side to this though is that you meet some TRULY amazing people. people you may not have met othwerwise. I am always touched by the kindness of strangers when you do not expect it too. I have had complete strangers approach me when i am with my severely disabled daughter to tell me how beautiful she is/happy etc ina non patronising manner. Someone once said to me you dont meet a child like your dd without being touched by her. She may be disabled but she is still a human being