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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think my teen daughter shouldn't talk to my partner this way?

99 replies

twirlandpearl · 03/11/2008 22:24

If my partner comes into the living room with a handful of biscuits my daughter will screech "how many???" and start kicking off about greedyness and that there's no wonder the biscuits never last and that he's selfish because nobody else ever gets any!

I told her off, she went crying to her dad and he said I'M out of order.

OP posts:
starzzz · 04/11/2008 10:37

Twirl.. does he have any kids of his own? Alot of people are saying he is acting childish, but if he has never had his own children, it is hard to "jump" into a parent role just if your partner has DCs.

I dont think the issue is how many biscuits he has, its the fact that a 15 year old feel its quite acceptable to screech at an adult, and, as far as im concerned, no 15 year old has the right to screech at an adult...so YANBU.

mayorquimby · 04/11/2008 10:51

i'm going to go aainst the grain here, so far the only two crimes we have heard is him not offering any biscuits (although it doesn't sound like he got much of a chance to offer) and not gtting on too well with his partners teenage step-daughter. hardly worthy of the names and accusations about his personality that have been spouted in his direction on this thread

pingping · 04/11/2008 11:28

I don't think YABU but I do think you need to sort these issues out and find out what the root of the problem is.

If he is not making great effort with your Daughter then you can't expect her to respect him. I would have a word at with them both and put an end to all this winding each other up.

Also I don't think your EX DP is being unreasonable your daughter has obv gone to him upset about your DP and yourself and he is just looking out for his child.

Theladyevenstar · 04/11/2008 11:45

I do think HE needs to make more of an effort. I have a dss who can be very difficult as I have posted on here just a few days ago but for other reasons that we have now begun to deal with. My dp is SD to my ds1 and he has done everything possible to get to know ds1 and they get on really well, although at times the do clash (both the same star sign) in general all is peaceful. DP would not dream of getting a handful of biscuits and not offering any to the rest of us...mainly because I would have to fight him for them as I am a biscuit addict (but only if they are McVities).

You dd is a child and needs to know you are on her side! Obviously she will go to her dad if she is in trouble and feels it is unfair who wouldn't? I used to do that when I was a child and my parents were together in the same household. DS1 does it with dp and I..and I am sure ds2 will do it as well.

Maybe it runs deeper than just her being jealous, try talking to her.

And DO listen to the advice given on here, i did and I am making major steps forward with dss.

starzzz · 04/11/2008 11:49

Why should she side with a child that is being disrespectful? That just creates a him / us type scenario, and he will always be the bad guy!

eniddo · 04/11/2008 11:53

8 biscuits is fucking greedy

I'm with your dd

bubblagirl · 04/11/2008 11:57

if he pays bills and lives with you he has the right to eat what he wants and how ever much he wants tell hetr she can have her own snack box if she ewants to asnd then her stash is her stash

as for telling her thats the right thing to do if you sided with her then it would be belittling your dp who is an adult and can eat what he wants

as for her getting upset yopu need to take her to one side and ask he rwaht her problem is does sshe miss time with you? could you do something the 2 of you and then have your dp and you another time do something fun

best thing is sit down and talk without your dp there maybe she feels resentful as she doesnt get your full attention or shes just being a teenager

ginnny · 04/11/2008 11:58

There's a lot more to this than just a handful of bourbons.
She may feel pushed out by him and maybe jealous of your relationship with him, all sorts of feelings and hormones are flying round at 15.
You need to get to the bottom of this. Why not have a girlie day out with her and have a chat about what's really bothering her and how she really feels about you and him.
I remember having a new stepdad at 16 and all the feelings of being pushed out and resentment that brought. Now I'm 39 my stepdad is more like a real dad to me, but back then I'd have done exactly the same as your dd (and he does walk around with handfuls of biscuits too which drives me insane even now!!!)

pagwatch · 04/11/2008 11:59

I am so sorry but I can't really get beyond eight bourbons.

It isn't biscuitgate it is bigbiscuitpiggygate.

eniddo · 04/11/2008 12:00

oink oink

bubblagirl · 04/11/2008 12:01

sorry for typos lol i dont think calling him names is fair he ate 8 biscuits so what my dp will eat a whiole pack and i'll happily demolish big bag of crisps and why shouldnt we

she can easliy go and get some if she wants

get her a tub and fill it with her own things then she can help herself and he can respect that

you need one to one with her and speak as adults allow each other to talk and then you need the 2 of them to speak and and sort things out find out what she wants from your dp and see if you can help them build bridges

its not easy taking on someone elses child especially at a teen age but if they can find some way of being friends rather than him being her father figure as she has one and not at an age of appreciating another one at the moment

0987 · 04/11/2008 12:03

a whole pack

StretchMarkCatherineWheelQueen · 04/11/2008 12:04

I have been kbnown to have a WHOLE pack of bourbons at once....so flame me!!

pigleto · 04/11/2008 12:04

It sounds as though they need to make friends. Can your dp make an effort to spend time with her and get to know her?

My dh as a stepmother who came into the family when he was 14 and he still won't speak to her as she stole his dad.

OrmIrian · 04/11/2008 12:04

8

TheProvincialLady · 04/11/2008 12:05

I imagine she is just parroting the kind od response she would expect to get if she larded into the room with 8 bourbons for herself and none for anyone else.

pagwatch · 04/11/2008 12:06

euuuwwww !

A whole packet of biscuits? And not as a one off moment of gluttony !

eeeuuuwwww

Upwind · 04/11/2008 12:07

So what if he ate 8 biscuits? I demolished an entire pack of ginger nuts yesterday, having made the mistake of leaving them within arms reach of the computer. His home, his biscuits, his business how many eats.

Your DD sounds extremely cheeky. But the thread title is wierd. You think she shouldn't speak to your partner this way, you address her rudeness, end of.

Lotster · 04/11/2008 12:09

Taking 8 biscuits is greedy and quite a teenage thing to do, (e.g. any parent seeing a child take 8 biscuits would probably tell them to pace themselves and not be so greedy) so maybe she feels he's on that teenage level to talk to / doesn't see him as deserving of respect IYSWIM.

It's surely about more that biccies though, and 12 (think you said your'e together 3 yrs) is a difficult age to start getting used to a man in your mum's life - her hormones and mood were probably just starting the slide in to teen confusion at that stage!
At the end of the day she's probably looking for re-assurance that although this man is in your lives, she's still your priority, and you still love her the most.
Teenagers do things so aggressively, but often are insecure and looking for re-assurance. I wouldn't re-visit my teen years for all the Bourbons in the blimmin world! I argued with my parents so much, and your girl has to act out her teen years and angst in front of someone who is relatively new to her, which is hard.

Maybe you/and he need to clearly define his role to her, is he a father figure? a friend? Because at the moment she possibly seems to see him as competition.

Could he spend some time with her away from you to allow them to have a separate bond, without you being piggie in the middle all the time?

OrmIrian · 04/11/2008 12:09

And it depends on how she would talk to you/her father. Would she comment like that to you? Would you comment like that to her.

I don't beleive adults are due any more respect from children than children are from adults.

snarky · 04/11/2008 12:13

Not to defend rudeness, but I find this rigid "he's an Adult and therefore can do whatever he likes, but she is a Child and must therefore suck it up and smile" attitude a bit facile tbh. Fine, if it's a 3yo giving his granny the one-finger salute, but when it comes to a 15yo and her (possibly not terribly mature?) stepfather the distinction is just unhelpful and unfair.

I think it's impossible to decide who was in the right/wrong here without the benefit of nuance/tone/prior knowledge of characters etc.

But 8 Bourbons is fucking minging

eniddo · 04/11/2008 12:14

families are about sharing

8 biscuits is quite piggish if there are other people in your family, whether you pay the bills or not

anyway paying the bills is a stupid argument, your teenage dd is not an equal adult she is a child of course she cannot pay the bills

eniddo · 04/11/2008 12:15

I would think I had an eating disorder if I ate a whole pack of biscuits

OrmIrian · 04/11/2008 12:16

exactly snarky

Theladyevenstar · 04/11/2008 12:34

what a brilliant idea, give her a snack box which is full of things just for her and make her feel more secluded!!!!!!

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