AIBU to feel quite upset over close friend party

[grunjle]

Ok, have name changed in case she MNs (though I'm sure she doesn't)

We are very close and do loads together as families. I heard from a third party weeks ago she and dp were having a big halloween bash - adults only though. I had had heard nothing about it. I figured she'd tell me soon.
Nada. It got to the point where everyone was talking about it, and I was so sure she'd tell me any moment. Then it got to the point where it was obvious DH and I were not invited and I was mortified and too proud to mention how hurt and bewildered I felt by the ommission.
I told myself she probably had decided that as we don't have many people to ask to babysit, there was no point in asking.

I have seen her this week with the kids and all seemed well. I can't think of anything DH and I have done to offend or to explain why we weren't invited. Then on Thursday, when her dp was picking his kids up from ours he said, very casually ''you know about friday don't you?'' we said 'no'.
''Ah well'' he said, ''if you can get a sitter..''

Well, who can get a sitter with one day's notice? Abd why did they wait til the day before to invite us when it has been planned for weeks and was fancy dress so if we had gone, we'd have needed costumes.

I know i sound like a 12 year old, but I do feel so hurt and paranoid.
Would you say something to her? Or let it lie. Not sure I can let this go

It's a good opportunity to re assesss your friendship anyway.
You sound like a lovely friend
I bet you wouldn't do that to her would you?

I try to be a lovely friend....
The irony is, another friend and I arranged something for later in the week and I invited this friend to that - even though I knew she was busy that night, so she wouldn't feel left out

I have been close to this family for 6 years, our kids are close, we have similar ideals, and parenting styles. They are the sort of people we can totally relax and be ourselves with.
It is a little galling to think they mean more to me than I do to them.

You know upon reading this thread I immediately thought that they would be taking drugs and that is why you were purposely excluded. I think you should probably be thankful that you were spared from loads of boring, self indulgent nonsense and be kind of pleased that you fall into the grown up catagory of friends. they are not cool, they are saddos who are having trouble leaving their childhood behind, you can now be slightly patronising to them

Maybe show her this thread? If she's unaware that you're upset it will make her realise and she'll run round trying to make it right. If she knows your upset but doesn't give a toss, then what harm can it do?

I think her answer stinks TBH. Not much of a friend. I could understand not inviting you if it was a small dinner party, but not a big bash.
I don't blame you for feeling upset. It sounds like she doesn't think you are 'good enough' for some of her other mates. That, by the way, reflects badly on her, not you.
I would seriously consider whather it is worth being that close to her in the future. With friends like that, who needs enemies?

grunjile..do you want to come to my party this weekend?You sound lovely to me..

My BF once invited us over for a pre Christmas dinner (something that as a group of friends we did every year) the first year we had dd1.She then uninvited us by saying it wasnt going to be dinner that year but a party and we probably wouldnt want to come.Ive since found out its because she was concerned there would be drugs taken by some of the people there and she didnt want DD near anything like that.However was still hurt by the way she did it, (and actually, self importantly I suppose, dissappointed that she didnt think more of us than her friends who may or may not have been doing drugs-why no univite them, not us?)Wenare still friends and I am over it now, but for a long while I was pretty mad at her and felt very left out of things..It made me put more effort into other friendships in a way, and this has paid off for me now as have more mates than I had before, which can only be a good thing Maybe you could do similar..dont cut her out, just make more effort elsewhere?

I think that is the crux of the matter greatscoocreamy (are you a namechanger or just not crossed paths with you before?)
Obviously people can have other friends, but I'm sorry if I'm just not 'cool' enough anymore (just because I am capable of dancing all night without assistance.)(
Last timne I went to one of those parties, I ended up playing Old Wise Woman agony aunt to some neurotic 20-something and dispensing vit c the next morning to those who were coming down...
So I probably wouldn't have gone anyway. It's just the not being asked which has rankled.

Anyway, Enough of this naval-gazing. Thank you all for your empathy and kind words. If we don't kill this thread soon, it will turn nasty and spoil all your good work!
(I don't think I've ever seen a thread filled with such lovely sympathetic MNetters. Surely by the law of averages someone will come and call me a wanker soon? where is Cod when you need her...

Wanker

Im normally TheGreatScootini, but have very subtly (do you see what I did there?)changed for Halloween and now it wont let me change back for some reason..Actually I dont often post on anything much except post natal for May 07,but am off sick today and am enjoying self immensely

Grunjle, I think you could be me.

Been there, seen it, got the t-shirt etc. Take my advice, get out now and take the hints she appears to be giving you. She's not a friend. It hurts like f* but easier in the long run.

Oh dear, Grunjile, you sound nice and like you don't want to make a big deal about this but...

sorry, if a friend had a big halloween and didn't invite me, I'd be pretty cheesed off. Some things are very obviously, "invite everyone" and some aren't. This would have been the former I'd think.

If she was that good a friend, why not a call saying, "listen, we're having a halloween party. We'd love you to come but I have to warn you in advance that a lot of people will be there doing things you might not approve of...".

TW07 is absolutely right, you know how she sees the friendship now. DOn't chew on it, but digest it, and perhaps, relegate her from superdooper best friend to somebody you're friendly with and like a lot, but leave the way clear to make other friends.

This happens to me as a single person all the time. I am excluded from all the evening stuff because I don't have a partner. My friends (if that's the right word, and it is really) talk openly about their various dinner parties etc and who's invited etc right in front of me, because it's clearly such a no-brainer that I wouldn't expect to be invited.

So I've had a lot of practise at just reclassifying friendships slightly, a subtle relegation, note made! information processed so to speak, and then move forward understanding where you all stand.

Hey Liffey, I'd invite you to dinner! I think it stinks that friends don't invite single friends to dinner. Firstly, who cares if there is an odd number at the table, and secondly, if you didn't want to go alone, you could always take a friend of whatever gender.

I've been married for what feels like forever, and I would have been miffed if early on my single friends didn't invite me to things just because I was married.

I should just let it go and carry on as normal, but perhaps put more effort into other friendships. If they were a sad lot, who have to take drugs to have fun, you were probably well out of it anyway.

I find it so weird that some people seem to imagine that single people ought to socialise seperately from couples. It annoys me to be honest, the most interesting people in my DH's circle of friends are single and are all too often excluded from the boring dinner parties that I am obliged to attend!

OP, I agree with everyone, you've learned something about these friends' attitudes from all this and I would have less time for them in the future!

Grunjle - I agree with the others; try not to take it too personally but perhaps put a bit more effort into other frienships.

Something similar happened to me with someone I was meeting up with once or twice a week for a year when my first and her third child was born. She invited 'hundreds' to her daughter's christening but we were relegated to a sandwich get together for about six people the week afterwards. I had really thought we were quite close .... It so happens that we drifted further apart when she continually asked me to look after her children because her DH didn't feel up to it, and took the hump on one occasion when I didn't want to help out because I was upset about some cancer news my Father had. She didn't then, and hasn't since (about 3 years ago), asked after his health. I wish I had taken more note of the first party omission.

I really hope something positive can come out of this for you in terms of new friendships.

I would back off from this friendship a bit I think. Very odd explanation in my opinion

I completely understand why you're upset but to be fair to her whenever I have tried to mix my friends it has turned into a disaster. I have one friend in particular who is my best and oldest friend who doesn't like my other friends so I just see her on her own and with her friends.

Some of my friends are happy to smoke weed and take coke at parties while most of my friends would be horrified. I don't have enough of either group to make up a party but mixing them would be disasterous. One really close friend is a committed christian and a lovely person but would never so much as drink an extra glass of wine, another is going through a very messy divorce and feels very fragile, another a feisty single parent who hates people who complain, another couple who like to have weekends off from their kids and take coke.

Therefore if that is the reason I can understand and I can also understand why she wouldn't have mentioned it.

I went to a gig in the Summer with several friends and they were the ones who like a few spliffs, the one who is a christian started expressing an interest and I knew it wouldn't have been good so I was casual about it and she didn't ask again...

Tw, thanks! I don't mind going to places on my own. I'm never worried that somebody is bored, or more embarrassingly, borING!!

Grunjle - I agree with the others, that you sound like a lovely person and friend !
I also agonise over these sorts of things, although trying to do so less these days... I know that since becoming single, I am no longer invited to a lot of "couple" things.

By the way, I am always amazed that there are people who have so many friends that they can pick and choose who they will invite to a party !! I have always been the sort of person that if I was having a party I would have to invite everyone I call a friend, or there would not be enought people ! {blush]

lol at orgy, but she does not sound good person to me.she like you be there when she wanted and not be there when she does not need you. iyswim
you seems very caring friend. i want friend like you
please do not take it serious, but if it was me i will be very hurt and do not want to be involved in the future.
friend is friend, whatever sort and kind of. iyswim.