AIBU to feel quite upset over close friend party

[grunjle]

Ok, have name changed in case she MNs (though I'm sure she doesn't)

We are very close and do loads together as families. I heard from a third party weeks ago she and dp were having a big halloween bash - adults only though. I had had heard nothing about it. I figured she'd tell me soon.
Nada. It got to the point where everyone was talking about it, and I was so sure she'd tell me any moment. Then it got to the point where it was obvious DH and I were not invited and I was mortified and too proud to mention how hurt and bewildered I felt by the ommission.
I told myself she probably had decided that as we don't have many people to ask to babysit, there was no point in asking.

I have seen her this week with the kids and all seemed well. I can't think of anything DH and I have done to offend or to explain why we weren't invited. Then on Thursday, when her dp was picking his kids up from ours he said, very casually ''you know about friday don't you?'' we said 'no'.
''Ah well'' he said, ''if you can get a sitter..''

Well, who can get a sitter with one day's notice? Abd why did they wait til the day before to invite us when it has been planned for weeks and was fancy dress so if we had gone, we'd have needed costumes.

I know i sound like a 12 year old, but I do feel so hurt and paranoid.
Would you say something to her? Or let it lie. Not sure I can let this go

agree with earlybird's approach

no apologies for your feelings

just matter of fact, to the point, no guilt or big build up. blurt it out and let her explain.

that's good advice, thank you.
Thanks to all who have responded. I love MN for testing out genuine AIBU stuff.

It doesn't sound as though it was an oversight or friend would have wanted to know why OP wasn't offering to help with decorations, etc. I also wouldn't apologise for seeming childish either. These are grownups who, for whatever reason, have excluded the OP and her dh from a party, yet are presumably expecting to attend an event thrown by OP in December. Unless they intend finding some excuse not to attend......

I do think things need to be clarified. I had a similar situation a few years ago with a friend. We don't live close to each other so communicate mainly by telephone and cards, etc. I had been calling and leaving messages, sent cards for birthdays, etc., with no response. I was convinced that I had offended her deeply, so ended up sending her a letter. This elicited an immediate telephone call from her full of apologies. She'd just been so busy and kept intending to respond but life kept getting in the way. I was so relieved and we still have an excellent, if sporadic, friendship.

If something is bothering you that deeply, you have to address it or it will fester. The result may be painful and unpleasant, but at least you will know where you stand.

Oh and please don't get drawn into a text conversation. I find these are absolute relationship killers.

Not unreasonable, no.

I agree with everyone who says you should address it with them and have no need to apologise for doing so. Best of luck.

I bet it turns out to be a simple oversight. We had a Halloween party, and by the day I had totally lost track of who was coming/how many had been invited. I printed out invitations, then ran out of ink in the printer, so I only gave printed invites to people who might need directions - every body else was invited verbally. This led to some people getting miffed because they hadn't received a printed invitation. I bet your friend just assumed you would hear about the party and know you were invited.

Just to defend my approach , I used this before with someone who I knew would be extremely defensive about something I wanted to raise with her. By opening in this manner it paved the way for telling her how I felt. If I hadn't have used this approach, I probably would never have brought it up. But, it is not appropriate in all situations.

Good luck - let us know how you get on.

No advice really, but good luck with your conversation.

I need to know what happened next!

Yes me too!

Come on "g" spill the beans!

understandable to feel upset. Couldn't you just drop a comment like, 'if I'd known about it sooner, i could've made a costume. was ther party a last minute decision?'

Did you get it sorted yet?

I fear I am quite like that friend in a way. When we have a party here I never invite my best friend, I never think to...im just assuming she will turn up. She doesn't have a partner but she has a male best friend who I kind of see as her other half (they are practically joined at the hip), so when she turns up im expecting he will too..I never invite her neice or her mum either because they are all sort of a package deal to me.

Could it be that at all?

dammit - what happened???

This happened to me once. I was working abroad at the time and there was a group of ex-pats (if you like) and we were all quite friendly and went round to each others houses. Anyway, one of the couples had a party and I was not invited. A couple of people said to me "are you going to so and so's tonight? and I said no and they looked really embarrassed. Anyway, someone must have mentioned it to the host and she came upto me the next day and apologised profusely - she had just assumed I had got a verbal invitation.

I hope this is what has happened to you. If your friend has deliberately excluded you, then I think you have every right to be hurt and you should reconsider the friendship!

I would have felt bad too. I have no idea what I would have done. Lived with it probably.

Have you chatted with your friend yet?

Also waiting with baited breath to find out what happened.

FWIW If I felt upset enough about it as the OP does, then I think I would have had to say something, even if done in a jokey way.

As an aside...am I the only one who thinks it is entirely WEIRD to have a halloween party without kids??

Maybe OP and husband weren't invited because all the other guests are swingers and it was that sort of party?-costume was the "codeword"

Watching and waiting for a blow-by-blow account

From your dp's comment it seems that they thought they had already told you about the party.

I would do what Tryharder did and get another friend to ask. Want to know what happened anyway!