To stop my DS going on playdates at house of a smoker

[babykicks]

My DS goes to my neighbours about once a month to play with her kids. He really enjoys it and is in the same class as one of the DC. I did not know that she smoked in the same room when he is there. AIBU to stop him going?

Calling anyone a 'bad parent' is pointless and rude because parenting is complex with a lot of grey areas. And no one is perfect. What is 'perfect' anyway?

However, in the case of something which is clearly harmful, then it strikes me as very wishy washy to skirt around the subject and pretend we shouldnt just say it's bad.

I would think it's bad to feed your child a diet of crap, constantly. I would think it's bad to not put enough clothes on your child so they are cold. I would say it's bad to keep your child up and not let them get enough sleep. And I would say it's bad to smoke around your children.

Whether these things in themself make you a bad parent is a more complex issue. But they are obviously not great things to do, and parents will make their own decisions accordingly!

I wanted genuine opinions as I am concerned. Thank you for the sensible replies.I don't think that it makes someone a bad parent because they smoke around their children but I don not want my children exposed to this.However, as it is only once a month I feel that I need to turn a blind eye to this for my DS's sake and invite them to mine more.

I wouldn;t like it either but YABU if he only goes once a month. It's controlling and spoiling his fun.

YANBU, I'm a smoker (dh is not) and some of my friends are smokers too but I don't actually know anyone that does smoke indoors.
I don't smoke around the dc's and I would hate them to be playing somewhere where people were smoking.

But, if it was a good friend of the dc adn they wanted to go there, then I would have to think, well ok I'll let them.

I agree with those that have said I wouldn't think much if the mother if she was smoking around not only her own dc's but other people's too.

I'd try and have the child over to my house more.

YANBU, but have the other kid over yours so that they can still play.

It sounds neurotic to me tbh

YANBU.

My DS has a school friend who also lives down our road. His Mum and Dad are both heavy smokers but I didn't realise they actually smoked in the house in front of their 4 children until DS had tea there one day. When he came home he absolutely stank and started pretending to smoke with a piece of dry pasta.

My DS doesn't go to their house at all now. I am quite happy to have his friend at mine and have told the Mum I would rather her son just came to my house because I am not happy for my DS to be in the house with smokers. She sees my point of view. Its not caused a problem between us.

I feel for her children. She has huge french doors in her kitchen and a hugs garden - why not just go outside??

sorry, huge garden

I think once a month is just about right to let a child realise it stinks etc - but not enough for them to get used to it and think it normal.

Could be the best way to put him off for life!

I think playing at other people's houses is all part of children encountering the wider world - and lots of it not what you, or they, think is ideal. I don't think once a month would pose a serious enough health hazard for me to stop my child going, ditto parents who swear (more than me ) or feed food that I wouldn't . This is set against visits where the parents won't allow any drinks other than water at tea (DS often has juice), have more stringent clearing up routines etc etc - good for DS to learn to live with it all.

I can see how some people would think you're being precious, but frankly I think smoking's foul and I try my best to prevent my DS from being exposed to it. Also smokers have absolutely no idea how utterly rank they make the place smell, as their sense of smell is totally obliterated by fags.

So I'm on your side . Wouldn't mind if they played outside, but not in an enclosed smoke-filled home.

(I'vegotaheadache - you sound like such a lovely, considerate smoker!)

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What I seriously think is that smoking is foul and I try to avoid it as much as poss - same goes for my DS. I'd hate to sit in a smoky room for hours at a time, why should I expose my kids to it?

"Do you seriously think that playing there once a month for an hour or two poses a health risk?"

What I find bizarre is that people can still think that ANY exposure to cigarette smoke is NOT a serious health threat. There are reams of detailed, valid scientific evidence that even low levels of passive smoking can increase your risk for lung cancer let alone the myriad of 'less serious' health issues.

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Cupofteaplease and Firepile - I was a smoker too, after a cancer scare I stopped, if it's important enough you can stop. I have an addictive nature and I managed it. I find pregnancy and smoking around children would have been a reason enough for me too.

Sorry to offend you, I am not a prefect mother, who is... I'm merely venting my own frustrations in a forum where we are asked our opinions on a particular subject, whatever they may be... I am sure you know deep down it is wrong to smoke around children, or anyone.

I can't help being passionate about it, as someone who myself was born prematurely, an attractive shade of purple and spent the first touch and go 24hours of her life in an oxygen tent, I reserve the right to my opinions. I hate that my mother smoked around me all my life, when she was pregnant, and that my dad has lung problems despite never being a smoker.

I'd crawl over broken glass for my kids (as I'm sure you would too), going outside for a fag or getting the help to give up doesn't seem such a big deal to me in comparison.

periodic exposure to levels of nicotine and the other carcinogens in smoke (way too many to list) at levels lower than anticipated for regular smokers

go do the literature research yourself before you make sweeping statements about the 'safety' of periodic exposure to carcinogenic toxins

I wouldn't be happy about it, to be honest. Aside from any possible health risks, s/he would be all smelly!

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I'm not the one making ridiculous, unverified claims about the safe levels of exposure to known carcinogens - you are. You're offering an unsubstantiated opinion about something you clearly have no knowledge of. Having pulled you on it you still seem unable to subtantiate your claims.

Is only once a month, my dh smokes but not in the same room as the dd's, i wouldn't expect him to smoke outside when people are over, its his house after all.

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One mothly visit to a smoker house is probably less harmful than the pollution you breathe in on a traffic ridden street! I wouldn't stop him going. It would be different if it was daily.
Is there a way you can bring up the conversation? Try to encourage them to look after their own childrens health. Perhaps fain ignorance and make up something like DH mother smoked around DH and you can't understand why anyone would want to smoke around their kids? Something like that?

O dear bloss, I responded to your posts in the same tone as you used. Unpleasant isn't it. Not my usual posting style at all. And I still note you are unable to back up YOUR original assertions - you should really consider taking more responsibility for your proclamations.