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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To stop my DS going on playdates at house of a smoker

78 replies

babykicks · 01/11/2008 19:05

My DS goes to my neighbours about once a month to play with her kids. He really enjoys it and is in the same class as one of the DC. I did not know that she smoked in the same room when he is there. AIBU to stop him going?

OP posts:

Twinklemegan · 01/11/2008 22:12

I stand by my comment, if they are deliberately smoking in the same room as their child.

vixma · 01/11/2008 22:15

Its a really tough situation, I wouldn't like it either but how do you tell your neighbour without offending them and not having your child invited over agan in the future....espesh if your child enjoys it. Its even harder if your childs alrady been around there. Tough one.

Tortington · 01/11/2008 22:16

i really think you should phone social services

Star1ightExpress · 01/11/2008 22:21

Invite their kids to yours too, and feed them sausage rolls and fruit shoots!

PortoTreasonandPlot · 01/11/2008 22:21

hissbangwhoosh · 01/11/2008 22:24

easy
just ask said parent not to smoke round your child. I am sure for one play date once a month she will be fine

onager · 01/11/2008 22:58

Yes everyone knows that smokers are bad parents. That includes most of your parents since at one time the vast majority smoked.

Someone will pop up now and declare that their parents never smoked, but if not them then their aunts and uncles.

Lotster · 01/11/2008 23:13

Some people are horribly addicted and can't help themselves it's true, but you CAN go outside, you KNOW it's not good for kids. Can't believe my sisters put up with my mum's smoking around their kids for so long - she's given up now so I don't have to have the showdown...

Slight hijack, but what I really don't get is when people who gave up smoking in pregnancy take it up again afterwards, when they are physically free of the nicotine habit.

To start again on purpose when you have a child, (and no-one can claim ignorance to the harm it does anymore) to me makes them such an arsehole. And if they never gave uo in the first place, then doubly so.

Cupofteaplease · 02/11/2008 07:33

Lotster- then by your definition I am an areshole-thanks

tigermoth · 02/11/2008 08:41

I think you are being unreasonable to stop him going with no explanation to the neighbour.

If you feel strongly, tell them why. If you are happy to end the arrangement over the smoking issue, you have nothing to lose by being open with her.

Pheebe · 02/11/2008 10:22

You aren't being unreasonable at all. Children should not be exposed to cigarette smoke, full stop.

Bit confused how you could not have realised it was happening though, he must have reeked when he came home surely...

BTW, smoking is about far more than the physical nicotine addition. There's a huge component of psychological addiction too. Unfortunately its like any other addiction - alcohol, heroin etc - once an addict always an addict. So people who start smoking again, while wrong as I'm sure they'll freely admit, certainly aren't 'arseholes' and don't deserve that kind of abuse! I'm an exsmoker myself, gave up the first time I was pregnant, miscarried anyway and live daily with the knowledge that my smoking probably contributed to it. Despite that I have still have many times since when I've been very very tempted to restart. Its only the fact the DH doesn't smoke and I'm not in the places or around the people where I used to smoke that has stopped me. That and the thought of exposing my kids delicate lungs to it such potent carcinogens, even 'once in a while' fills me with such horror.

OO bit of a rant sorry

mm22bys · 02/11/2008 10:25

YANBU.

Can you have the neighbour's kids play at your place instead? Then at least none of the kids miss out....

ClareVoiant · 02/11/2008 10:35

are you sure she's smoking in the same room? how do you know? because your dc said? surely you'd have known,the smell would have given it away. maybe she has one of these

WorzselMummage · 02/11/2008 10:52

If she is smoking in the same room you'd definatly notice the smell, if your've not had to wash everything your dc are wearign then i'd hazard a guess that she isnt smoking atall.

lingle · 02/11/2008 16:55

Gosh, tricky.
If there is any even remote link to asthma (or similar) in your family that you could mention, then it might make the conversation with her less mortifying. Maybe there's hayfever in your family? that puts you at higher risk of asthma and might make her feel less insulted. good luck!

MrsMattie · 02/11/2008 16:57

Difficult one. Personally, I don't understand people that can't at least go into the garden or another room with the window open or something. I wouldn't like it at all.

NotDoingTheHousework · 02/11/2008 17:00

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

MrsMattie · 02/11/2008 17:05

No point turning it into another bitchy, ranty thread.

The OP is asking a genuine question: if you're uncomfortable with smoking around your child, what do you do in this situation? It's a genuine dilemma. I'd feel uncomfortable yet embarassed about this, too. I don't like to offend people or dictate what they do in their own homes, but more than that, I am absolutely opposed to people smoking around children., especially my children. just hate to think of my son breathing in cigarette smoke

2shoeshissbangwhoosh · 02/11/2008 17:09

as I posted earlier.....its easy just ask her not to.
ffs it is so simple.

UniversallyChallenged · 02/11/2008 17:13

if you havent noticed the smell on him then she cant be smoking around him

i wouldnt stop him going in that case

if i could smell it on him then he wouldnt go again

findtheriver · 02/11/2008 17:15

Good post MrsMattie.

It's so dull when anyone responds to a smoking thread by doing the whole over-the-top, smokers being victimised thing.

We all know the dangers of smoking - the physical effects, as well as the other issues such as children witnessing adults smoking, and the fact that it just stinks bloody horrid!

Even where someone is an addict, they can regulate their smoking and could choose not to smoke in the same room as kids are playing in.

Personally I wouldnt like it, though would probably let it go if it's once a month or so as the example my kids would see most of the time would be non-smoker adults. But I think it's pretty pathetic that any adult feels it's ok to smoke in front of kids.

OrmIrian · 02/11/2008 17:19

I would let mine go. It really wouldn't bother me unless the adults were chain-smoking in front of the children. I don't smoke and neither does DH(now..yay!). But I have friends who smoke and my children spend time in their houses. Most people I know make some sort of allowances for non-smoker especially children. Smoke only in one room, or in the garden.

Firepile · 02/11/2008 17:24

Lotster, the overwhelming majority of women who quit while they are pregant relapse after their baby is born - something like eight in ten of them do. And - just like for women who can't quit during pregnancy (at least one in every four mothers) - it does not make them bad parents.

Your offensive coments are doing precisely nothing to improve the health of smoking mothers and their children.

guyFAwkesreQuiem · 02/11/2008 17:31

hehe - I'm an arsehole and a bad parent (as I not only didn't manage to quit while pg with DS3 - did with the other 2 - but also took it up again after each of their pg AND I have lit-up in front of my DS's - inside in the past

ooo - just read further on I'm pathetic too

MrsMattie · 02/11/2008 17:40

Th denial and defensiveness on these smoking threads is madness! Most reasonable people don't think smoking in front of kids is 'child abuse' or that smokers are 'bad parents'. But they do worry about the effects of smoking on their childrens' health - the proven, indisputable effects. Jesus. I am an ex smoker, I know how bloody hard it is to give up smoking...and even I end up thinking smokers are pathetic when threads like this start to descend into smokers defending themselves with lame comments.

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