I'm at my wits end, advice needed please before I scream - Aaarrggghhhh

[interflora]

I am not sure what to do in this situation.

My friend has recently started bringing her 11 year old son along with her to our house - he is the most spoiled, most ruined, most horrible, most everything-bad-you-can-think-of child I've ever come across.

My dh and I adore children, and have seven of our own, our children just cannot be in the same room as this child, even though they love to play with all other children when our other friends visit.

He walks around our house from one room to another, and is allowed to touch and play with anything he wants, he calls his own mother nasty names, and she just sits there not saying anything to him.

We were meant to go to a Halloween party last night when my friend and this 'horrid henry' of a son of hers, turned up, which meant that our children spent the evening upstairs in their bedrooms, all dressed up in their dress-up clothes, and had to stay in. He'd already been 'trick or treating' so he was fine, and if he was fine, tough, nobody else mattered.

He was rude to my husband, when my husband tried to stop him going to every room of our house, as we feared he'd go upstairs to our childrens' bedrooms.

Also, this horrible child, knows much, much, much more than most kids his age, and far too much for my liking, about sex - and when one of our children dared come downstairs to make a drink, he crept up behind her and ripped off the upper part of her halloween outfit.

DH and I don't know what to do, we're certain that if we mention it to her, it will just fall on deaf ears, as she's told us many times that she can't understand why her sister, sister in law, his grandmother etc don't like her perfect little sod son, he's even been suspended from primary school, and his mother still thinks the sun shines out of his rear end!

Please please can anyone help us, its a delicate situation obviously, we don't want to cause trouble or offend anyone, but feel that the situation cannot be allowed to continue.

TIA

His mother sent me another email late last night, again telling me about everything they'd done and everywhere they'd been (think that was all make believe btw - Sorry but I find it hard to believe that they've been here, there and everywhere, and done this, that and the other just as soon as I sent her the email telling her I do not want her son at our home ever again.)

Obviously she wanted to make me think that my banning him from here will not make a difference at all to her 'little one' as she calls him. He will be taken wherever he wants to go and given all that he wants as per usual - but that doesn't bother me one bit, she is only exacerbating his and their problems with him as a family, why should I be concerned about that - he can do whatever he likes as long as he's not within a 10 mile radius of us as a family.

As Guy Fawkes night is approaching, our dc have asked us if 'he' is not coming here to spoil another evening for them - so its obviously had a major impact on our dc.

Have assured them that under no circumstances will they ever have to endure him at their home again.

Anyway, up to the email I sent banning him, him mother sent several emails daily, up to now and its gone 11am NO EMAIL!

I am intrigued as to what's going to happen next - but I honestly do not believe that arranging to meet her to speak face to face about the situation would do a jot of good tbh as it would not just be her, HE would insist on being present also and if ds says that he wants to go somewhere/do something HE GOES! Kiddo rules the parents not the other way round. So he would no doubt be there, and I'm sorry but if that was the case I would simply walk away.

Also, as they've already CONFRONTED, yes confronted you read that right, the school headteacher after he was suspended, for NOTHING, he never did anything to deserve to be treated in such a way, what's the matter with school headteachers nowadays, they're not like the old days, no they are not, and what a shame cos then her little angel spoiled-brat would have had six of the best.

Anyway as you can see, its obvious that they have no intention of doing anything about it, if she can't speak to her 'only friend' as she has told me, then she will certainly reject any 'nonsense' from the authorities also.

Its such a shame, because as my dh keeps reminding me, its not his fault, its his parents fault no doubt, but the child is one who is undoubtedly going to suffer as a result of their stupidity.

I live a few miles from them and she readily admits that I am/was her one and only friend, claiming that EVERYONE who live in her area are not worth knowing - I wonder if that's because they've banned ds also????

Even his grandmother has banned him and she used to drive him to/from school and care for him at her home when there was no school, she said to parents that she just couldn't cope with him wrecking her house on a daily basis and the way he treated her was not acceptable at all. If he hits his mother I hate to imagine how his grandmother was treated.

I say he needs the birch but my dh says that its not him who needs to be birched its his parents.

I suspect your friend is now in denial and is therefore not answering the point in her replies to you. She probably doesn't really know what to say but wants to keep up a facade of normality until she has to face the inevitable.

I didn't realise this boy was quite so huge so obviously my suggestion is not particularly practical. Do you have a spyhole in your door so you can check whether it's them? Do you have a chain?

The last resort of course, is the police. You can call them when someone refuses to leave your property when requested. Threatening to call the police may do the trick if he doesn't go when you ask.

You will need to develop some confrontational behaviour, I'm afraid. If they do turn up again you will have to lay down the law very clearly before or as they come in.

With luck she won't bring him round for a while after having got your e-mail anyway.

Why not just text her and say look I enjoy being friends with you but my DC's are very scared to be around your DS I would like to maintain an Adult friendship with yourself but would not like you to bring your DS round to mine anymore.

I think you did the right thing by telling your children they should not have to endure him again.
You might also be right in waiting for her to get back to you, and maybe, if it does not happen it is for the best.
I think jux has a point, you will have to be very assertive and not let them in again until ther is a clear change in his behaviour. That will only happen if the mother realises what er son is like and takes serious steps to keep his behaviour in check (coul he have ADHD?)
I would tell her what pingping suggests but not via text message.

Still no email reveived from his mum, by this time of day she's usually sent several, so it looks like she's decided not to contact again.

She mentioned in last nights email she would ask her dh to bring craft stuff she said she was going to bring our dc, reading between the lines I guess what she meant to say was 'if ds cannot visit nor will she', she has difficulty finding babysitters for him and she can't daren't leave him at home alone cos she knows he'd ensure they'd have no home to return to!

I think she's decided to kiss goodbye to us as a family now folks, shame that she's decided not to remain friends with us, but there we are, its worth breaking the friendship even, if it means not having another endurance test with that lad of hers.

I shall email her again or text her as suggested by some of you on MN, to explain that she is most welcome to visit anytime, but regrettably as our dc and ourselves cannot continue to put up with her ds's behaviour, she must visit alone. I shall explain that the fact that we've had to resort to taking such drastic action in banning her ds, by no means affects our friendship with her in any way.

Thanks for all your advice folks x

Let us know how it went. You are doing the right thing

interflora - you know, this 'child' needs help. He doesn't necessarily need the birch, but he needs specialist help, his parents obviously CANNOT cope with him.

received another email, again no mention of the ban on ds...just everything else...not sure what to think now??

Pick up the phone and speak to her. Jeez, if you can't do it face-to-face because her DS will be there, just phone the woman. Or ignore the email. Up to you.

What a difficult situation. Sadly the child will not get any help under special needs unless his parents agree - this is a legal requirement. No ed psych is allowed to 'see' him without their permission. They do sound like they need support.