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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

I'm at my wits end, advice needed please before I scream - Aaarrggghhhh

137 replies

interflora · 01/11/2008 18:34

I am not sure what to do in this situation.

My friend has recently started bringing her 11 year old son along with her to our house - he is the most spoiled, most ruined, most horrible, most everything-bad-you-can-think-of child I've ever come across.

My dh and I adore children, and have seven of our own, our children just cannot be in the same room as this child, even though they love to play with all other children when our other friends visit.

He walks around our house from one room to another, and is allowed to touch and play with anything he wants, he calls his own mother nasty names, and she just sits there not saying anything to him.

We were meant to go to a Halloween party last night when my friend and this 'horrid henry' of a son of hers, turned up, which meant that our children spent the evening upstairs in their bedrooms, all dressed up in their dress-up clothes, and had to stay in. He'd already been 'trick or treating' so he was fine, and if he was fine, tough, nobody else mattered.

He was rude to my husband, when my husband tried to stop him going to every room of our house, as we feared he'd go upstairs to our childrens' bedrooms.

Also, this horrible child, knows much, much, much more than most kids his age, and far too much for my liking, about sex - and when one of our children dared come downstairs to make a drink, he crept up behind her and ripped off the upper part of her halloween outfit.

DH and I don't know what to do, we're certain that if we mention it to her, it will just fall on deaf ears, as she's told us many times that she can't understand why her sister, sister in law, his grandmother etc don't like her perfect little sod son, he's even been suspended from primary school, and his mother still thinks the sun shines out of his rear end!

Please please can anyone help us, its a delicate situation obviously, we don't want to cause trouble or offend anyone, but feel that the situation cannot be allowed to continue.

TIA

OP posts:

laidbackinengland · 01/11/2008 18:59

His Mum sounds like she does not give him any boundaries, but that does not mean that you can't have boundaries with him whilst he is in your house. I would say very clearly to him (in front of his mum) that you expect him to behave in a certain way in your home; if he can't/won't and the mother does not back you up, you should ask them to leave. Your home, your rules.

PottyCock · 01/11/2008 19:04

Don't know why this would automatically be a troll? Not an unrealistic situation imo.

loobeylou · 01/11/2008 19:05

needsomeonetotalkto - because most people accused of trollism do at least deny rather than ignore it.

I can't believe that so many people are shocked by the fact that OP has allowed this behaviour in her house, but don't think, oh yeah, maybe this is a big wind up, cos i sure as hell would not tollerate that behaviour in MY house, so he would NOT have been invited in at the expense of MY 7 kids who were all ready to go out having to stay in. It is too unreal.

Go on Interflora, convince me......

kristatwin · 01/11/2008 19:07

You need to get a backbone,the son is dictating to you, if the mother lets this happen, that is up to her, but it is your house, and letting your children miss out, because of a spoilt brat, you must be mad !!

kristatwin · 01/11/2008 19:07

eekamoose · 01/11/2008 19:08

Obviously troll.

loobeylou · 01/11/2008 19:10

thank you eekamoose (erm, unless you are taking the p* out of me, of course)

MurderousMarla · 01/11/2008 19:10

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

kalo12 · 01/11/2008 19:13

if you've got seven children maybe your friend wants some parenting tips. why can't you discipline, mildly this child in your own home?

Original poster

interflora · 01/11/2008 19:14

loobeylou - why on earth do you want me to say 'I'm not a troll' I am not a troll I promise you, this is serious.

Last night, her son said he'd seen someone having sex on youtube and he 'gave a demonstation' of what he'd seen, and his mother laughed.

Thank god our dc were out of the way. No, he hasn't threatened to kill them or anything like that, our dc just say 'there's something about him' and that is what they don't like.

DH and I have had discussed this, and we've decided that enough is enough actually.

I will have to get the message across to his mother that he is no longer welcome, and of course, will have to explain why. Whevever anyone says anything about her spoiled bratt darling son, she insists that his behavious is just 'normal childhood behaviour'.

OP posts:

StewieGriffinsMom · 01/11/2008 19:15

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

Original poster

interflora · 01/11/2008 19:18

what can I do to convince you loobeylou??

How am I meant to convince you?

OP posts:

wehaveallbeenthere · 01/11/2008 19:20

Okay, I'm going to give you the benefit of the doubt and say...you aren't a troll and this is a genuine situation to which you require an answer.
SOOOO...you sound intelligent. If you stay on the track you are on...allowing a woman (you say is a friend) with a child you cannot stand (and your children shun) that sounds like they need social therapy what do you think is going to be the outcome?
The child isn't going to stay his eleven years. If he is already getting away with tearing clothing off your children then expect him to do it again.
If he is given the run of the house then why should he expect anything different?
Why would your "friend" expect you to say or do anything different when you act so to her face?
If you are a good friend to her then point her in the direction of professional help. Both she and her son seem to need it and perhaps you may investigate some for yourself as you sound like you would let your family be walked on in order to keep a friendship with someone that you say one thing to but think another.

loobeylou · 01/11/2008 19:23

look at the title guys, deliberately attention catching

look at some of the phrases used

most spoiled, most ruined, most horrible, most everything-bad-you-can-think-of child I've ever come across.......

My dh and I adore children, and have seven of our own.....

our children just cannot be in the same room as this child, even though they love to play with all other children when our other friends visit.....

this 'horrid henry' of a son of hers.....

He was rude to my husband.....

Also, this horrible child, knows much, much, much more than most kids his age, and far too much for my liking, about sex ...

....ripped off the upper part of her halloween outfit.

it will just fall on deaf ears, as she's told us many times that she can't understand why her sister, sister in law, his grandmother etc don't like her perfect little sod son, he's even been suspended from primary school, and his mother still thinks the sun shines out of his rear end!

IF this did not sound so like a story from a book (so florrid, so much un necessary detail) I might be less cynical

IF her family and the school are telling her the boy is a problem, then she knows. IF you allow him to behave in your house that way, being rude to you/dh and intimidating your kids, you are mad.As for worrying about her being upset/offended, you should just be upset and offended yourself

what did you/dh/his mum do/say about the ripped dress incident? How did it happen? If he crept up and grabbed her and it was an accident, why the need to tell us of his sexual knowledge, was he trying to molest her?

loobeylou · 01/11/2008 19:27

interflora-

You should not feel the need to convince me. The fact that you have NOW denied being a troll once I ASK WHY YOU HAVE NOT is mighty fishy!

needsomeonetotalkto · 01/11/2008 19:30

loobeylou - stop being mean!

loobeylou · 01/11/2008 19:34

OK Interflora, two questions for you

How old are your 7 kids, and do they go to the same school as this boy (do they know him other than as a son of your friend who comes round)?

eekamoose · 01/11/2008 19:34

No, Looby, am not taking the piss out of you.

MurderousMarla · 01/11/2008 19:35

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

loobeylou · 01/11/2008 19:37

needsomeonetotalk to - am not trying to be mean,JUST DON'T WANT EVERYONE BEING DUPED, where are ALL THE TROLL SPOTTERS WHEN YOU NEED THEM?

off I go, got better things to do......

loobeylou · 01/11/2008 19:39

eekamoose and murderousmaria, thank God someone else can see it, I was beginning to think I would end up having to grovel and eat my hat!

Original poster

interflora · 01/11/2008 19:41

Right then, I have just received an email from his mum saying that they will be coming over tomorrow afternoon.

I've reached the point now that I don't care if his mum never speaks to me, yes its true that his mum just won't see my side of things, he's just a child as far as she's concerned.

The ripping off the costume bit was more 'teasing' than anything else on his part - just not funny for dc.

Right then, best answer her email, I don't want to pretend we're not in etc. as that would only postpone the problem until next time, and surely we can't pretend to be going out every time, we might as well tell her now that we don't want to see her son again and that she is more than welcome to visit on her own - he is 11 ffs, but she says she cannot leave him at home alone cos he'd wreck the place.

So she obviously does know what he's capable of, but does nothing about it. She told me last time that he hit her. She mentioned not long ago, that she was going to 'seek help' from social services as he was unbearable. He has a tantrum every night and won't go to bed when he is asked to. He does not allow his mum or dad to watch tv/listen to music, as soon as the attention is not all his, he throws a tantrum and switches off tv/hifi or screams the house down to make sure they don't hear what they're trying to listen to/watch.

I don't feel its my business to suggest that she seeks help for him, or to inform social services or nspcc myself. Our problem is how he behaves in our home not how he behaves elsewhere iyswim.

Anyway will email her now, wish me luck, I don't want to risk losing her as a friend, but feel its inevitable somehow.

OP posts:

Original poster

interflora · 01/11/2008 19:43

my kids do not attend same school as friends son - they only know him since his mother started bringing him with her to visit.

OP posts:

loobeylou · 01/11/2008 19:46

Aha, a troll will always trip themselves up in the end.....

"She told me last time that he hit her. She mentioned not long ago, that she was going to 'seek help' from social services as he was unbearable. He has a tantrum every night and won't go to bed when he is asked to. He does not allow his mum or dad to watch tv/listen to music, as soon as the attention is not all his, he throws a tantrum and switches off tv/hifi or screams the house down to make sure they don't hear what they're trying to listen to/watch."

.....this is the same parent who doesn't know why all the ILs hate her perfect son and thinks the sun shines ouit of his rear end. yeah, right!

loobeylou · 01/11/2008 19:47

thanks for replying interflora, and how old are your kids ?

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