I'm at my wits end, advice needed please before I scream - Aaarrggghhhh

[interflora]

I am not sure what to do in this situation.

My friend has recently started bringing her 11 year old son along with her to our house - he is the most spoiled, most ruined, most horrible, most everything-bad-you-can-think-of child I've ever come across.

My dh and I adore children, and have seven of our own, our children just cannot be in the same room as this child, even though they love to play with all other children when our other friends visit.

He walks around our house from one room to another, and is allowed to touch and play with anything he wants, he calls his own mother nasty names, and she just sits there not saying anything to him.

We were meant to go to a Halloween party last night when my friend and this 'horrid henry' of a son of hers, turned up, which meant that our children spent the evening upstairs in their bedrooms, all dressed up in their dress-up clothes, and had to stay in. He'd already been 'trick or treating' so he was fine, and if he was fine, tough, nobody else mattered.

He was rude to my husband, when my husband tried to stop him going to every room of our house, as we feared he'd go upstairs to our childrens' bedrooms.

Also, this horrible child, knows much, much, much more than most kids his age, and far too much for my liking, about sex - and when one of our children dared come downstairs to make a drink, he crept up behind her and ripped off the upper part of her halloween outfit.

DH and I don't know what to do, we're certain that if we mention it to her, it will just fall on deaf ears, as she's told us many times that she can't understand why her sister, sister in law, his grandmother etc don't like her perfect little sod son, he's even been suspended from primary school, and his mother still thinks the sun shines out of his rear end!

Please please can anyone help us, its a delicate situation obviously, we don't want to cause trouble or offend anyone, but feel that the situation cannot be allowed to continue.

TIA

Just in case they do turn up again...

It is YOUR house, your rules. Take control. Tell him off. Tell him he'll have to leave if he doesn't behave etc.

I have a friend, whose son has ADHD and a few other things as well, and is generally out of control. He is often suspended from school and she will bring him round here. If he doesn't behave I tell him he'll have to go home, and if he continues to misbehave I say to her that I'm really sorry but he has to go. Then I take them to the front door and say goodbye nicely. He has had a tantrum once on the way out because he wanted to stay, but I steered him out of the house, saying "don't worry, I understand" to my friend, and "when you calm down you can come back" to him. I expect it will happen again but we've had a few months of good behaviour so far.

His parents have received a letter from the school headteacher about his behaviour at school, stating that they cannot control him as totally unreasonable, making him impossible to discipline.

The letter stated that his behaviour disrupts the entire class and other pupils who want to learn are unable to concentrate - so everyone suffers because of him.

The headteacher also pointed out that he needs to be seen by 'a professional' as he needs help urgently if he can remain at school, and unless his parents take action to ensure he receives the 'therapy' or 'medication' or whatever professional help he requires, then the school will take appropriate action themselves through social services, child/educational psychologist etc.

I'm not sure if there's anything in the pipeline with regards to that, but am certain his parents have taken no action.

His mother blows hot and cold, on one hand she says she's 'fed up' and cannot cope with his behaviour and constant tantrums where he smashes the house up and hits his mother etc. and on the other hand she defends him saying his behaviour is 'normal child behaviour'.

School will take action whether his mother does anything her end, or not. He will go on the SEN register, and will be placed on school action escalating to school action plus.

TBH I am suprised he is not already on this. If she was a decent friend she would understand that normal people do not want a boy with 'needs' rampaging through their house!

yes he is older than my dc celia - he's 11 my eldest is 8.

Its not his age that frightens my dc, its his behaviour mostly, and he is absolutely huge, he is very tall and definitely around 14/15 stone, size 10 or 11 shoes. He frightens the life out of our dc, they'd rather be upstairs together than stay downstairs with him. The older dc tells me there's 'something about him' they don't like.

That is very odd, because they are very sociable children, obviously used to playing with other children, but won't have anything to do with him. My eldest dd was very upset and kept telling us about the indicent where he ripped off the top of her halloween costume. We actually saw that, so did his mother, but she just turned a blind eye and a deaf ear - she knows its pointless for her to even try disciplining him, he's too far gone for that.

Jux, thanks for your advice. I totally agree with the way you handled the situation with the child at your home. I have braced myself for the possibility of them turning up on our doorstep again. He will definitely just push his way in past us. If he's managed to that to my dh the rest of us are nothing to him. We will just have to ask tell her to physically remove him from our house, if not then I don't know where we stand legally, surely we would not be allowed to handle him. Verbally telling/warning him is a complete waste of time, and a waste of precious breath!

I think she's just pinned her hopes on us Lovesdogsandcats.

Maybe she thought that a family with seven children would just allow their dc to behave as they wished and they'd also be totally unruly and not diciplined. Our dc are disciplined I can assure you, we want to be proud of them not ashamed, and of course it would be totally selfish of us to expect other people to accept them if they did not behave at their homes.

Hopefully the school have already started taking appropriate action. Its awful to watch I promise you. One one hand we could kick his backside all the way home, but on the other hand there are times when we also feel very sorry for him, his parents think they are being kind in spoiling him like this, but to our way of thinking they are guilty of child abuse. They are obviously very cruel to spoil their child to the point where he has no hope in hell of living a normal life, not even in adulthood.

He says he's already a man btw, maybe that's why he feels he's above everyone else and refuses to respond to discipline.

My dh went as far as saying he probably has the 'mental age' of a child who's far younger than his age in years, he may be 11 years of age but probably has the mentality of a child of around 5/6? I don't know what to think any more. Its a real shame to see him and knowing his parents refuse to help him.

Lovesdogsandcats - what is 'school action' and 'school action plus'? sorry I'm not familiar with these things

I am totally confused!!

I have just received my long-awaited-for email from said person, and guess what??????????

Its quitea lengthy email in which she mentions what they are doing today, and what she's bought for ds for xmas (saying she can't tell me exactly what she's bought for him in case the 'little one' reads her emails - so he's allowed to read his parents' emails as well hmmmmmmmm.........but..........she mentioned absolutely nothing about the email I sent her last night.

do you think it's possible or even probable that her son has deleted the email you sent??

omg I never thought of that!

To the OP, its your house and therefore, your rules. Ask yourself if her friendship is really worth it.

To the nasty troll accusers, if your bored, read the Daily Mail. There are plenty of things to shout troll about and we won't have to hear you.

thankyou topbitch, and all who posted helpful comments.

I am baffled that she mentioned nothing in her email to me regarding the email I sent her last night - she mentioned everything else, but nothing about my request for her to visit without her son.

Someone posted earlier thought it was possible or probable that her ds had deleted the email I had sent, but I have checked and she's actually used the email I sent to send me her email today. So its not that ds had deleted it, she must have read it, how else could she just have used that to send me an email?? I am baffled.

Its obvious that she's read it anyway, cos she keeps referring to ds as 'my little on', which he's anything but!!

Any tips as to what we should do now, anyone??

Maybe he sent the 'reply'?

Do you know, I really think you would be better off with out either of them in your familes' lives. I know she is your friend but if she can't see how badly she is treating you then, quite honestly she is not worth it. I hope you can reolve this in the best way for you and yours.

Can you imagine what he is going to be like at 15?

AND I'm sorry that people starting shoutig troll at you - I'm sure you're not!

i think it sounds like they all need help. but thats not to say that you can help them or even have to.

I don't know what to think now, i just don't.

Have received another email and again she mentions nothing ????????

Thanks needsomeonetotalkto, please take no notice of those who shout 'troll', I have reported them to mumsnet so we'll see what happens.

As for friend? dunno what to think now?????????????

Why don't you reply and just ask if she received your email from {insert time you sent it}.

She may just be avoiding addressing it as does not want to acknowledge what you have said.

Interflora - am sorry have delayed replying because of all some posts on here, We were in the same situation but worse as it was my nephews, when they come over with parents they were awful, hitting other children, calling other children names, they even called my 3 month old DD fat However on their own they were OK as we actuallly told them off when we had them if they were rude, something that DB wouldn't and still can't do. It has got to the stage now where they are tolerated but not a joy to be with, but slowly getting better, so massive sympathies with you.

he is absolutely huge, he is very tall and definitely around 14/15 stone, size 10 or 11 shoes

bloody hell he is a giant then!!!

How frustrating, to have sent the e-mail, but to still be unsure if she has heard loud and clear. If she has read it but is evading the issue, it kind of explains the poor kid's behaviour even more.

Sounds like an awful situation. I have known of a boy of his sort of age who was also that sort of size. That alone can be troubling to a young child. Hormones raging at an especially early age, desperately trying to keep up, emotionally and intellectually, with the physical growth. Very tough for a young boy.

However, that wasn't really what I wanted to post about! Instead of relying on an email you sent, please, please can you speak to your friend directly about this? She has obviously read your email and decided to ignore it. I am afraid I think you are really going to have to do this face to face with her. Arrange to meet your friend without your children present (if that's possible, but definitely without her DS present), and TALK to her about the situation. See if there's anything you can do to help. TELL her that you find her DS's behaviour unacceptable and until it has been resolved he will not be welcome in your home.

Why has the art of conversation disappeared? Why do people think that the best form of communication is via email or text message? If you have a problem, TALK!

interflora ,sounds like"horrid henry" has inherited his personality traits/behaviour from his mother. he doesnt care what others say and niether does she,why else would she ignore your email?why would she get help for her sons behaviour if she is the same.to her its normal.sorry to be bitchy, but u dont need the hassle, get a new friend.

YANBU but...
I do agree with you that the situation as it is now is not acceptab. However, imagine having
-to live with him day in day out,

• having the school complaining about him,

-your friends sending you emails about the situation.

I do not try to excuse your friend for her lack of autority, but she must be absolutely worn out. I think you should definitely try to find time to speak with her about the issue, for your sanity ,the sanity of your children and out of concern for your friend. I think a good friendly talk might unblock a situation that can only become worse. If after that she is still convinced there is nothing wrong with her son and there is no problem or if she does not think it is your concern, let her go.
None of you is going to get anything positive out of this relatioship.